Not Going To Happen 'Cause I'm Not Harry Potter (Impossible Patron Requests)

[Outdoor Girl]

I worked for a laboratory that tested the drinking water for the municipality.  We occasionally fielded calls from the public complaining about their drinking water.

A man called in.  He had a fish tank with one fish in it.  He added twenty fish, all at once, and they all died.  He insisted that we had to test the water in his fish tank because it was the water's fault.  And when I politely refused as that water is no longer drinking water, I got the 'I pay your salary' speech.  I referred him to my supervisor.

Yeah, adding 20 fish to a fish tank all at once doesn't stress them out or anything    And I don't even know that much about fish.

[thebeckster]

I worked at a bank. One day, our branch and the block we were on were all without power. A customer called (all calls were routed to our 1 emergency power phone) and said he had a question about his account. I explained to him that we had no power, I could call him back when we had power, or he could contact one of our neighboring branches. No, he wanted to talk to me about this, when would we have power? I told him the power company was telling us 24-48 hours (standard response).

He called back about 10 minutes later. Did I get the fax he had sent? Um-mm, no, our fax runs on electricity, and that still hasn't been restored. He got upset with me because, after all, the fax went through on his end, and our fax line had rung.

[Sirius]

I have no idea what the fixation with "white" horses was. It was weird.

Perhaps she wanted to put rings on her fingers and bell on her toes and ride to Banbury Cross?

Somewhat off topic, but I always thought "With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes and a bone in her nose, ho ho" was one of the best song lyrics I've ever heard.

(Ray Stevens, "Ahab the Arab.")

[caranfin]

A man called in.  He had a fish tank with one fish in it.  He added twenty fish, all at once, and they all died.  He insisted that we had to test the water in his fish tank because it was the water's fault.  And when I politely refused as that water is no longer drinking water, I got the 'I pay your salary' speech.  

But if he had promised to bring it in and take a big drink of it, would you have tested it? 

[Outdoor Girl]

LOL.  No, there are very specific containers to be used for sampling that are sterile or specially cleaned or have preservatives in them so we would never accept samples that hadn't been taken by a qualified person.  And now, it is actually the law that the sampler must have certain qualifications to submit samples.

[mumma to KMC]

This one didn't even leave the "barn" before we shut my MIL down.

A few years ago, dh took a job in a town an hour away. My husband and I are in the habit of attending daily church services for our particular Faith. When dh took the job, he wasn't able to attend service one day a week, because that was the day the service was later due to it being for the kids in school.

We were having dinner with his parents and it came up that we had to "modify" our weekly schedule. Ah,yes, my MIL's suggestion:

"Why don't you call Fr. so and so and ask if he could move mass to x time so you could attend?"

[kajunchick]

I work for a water company. We use a printing company to print our bills, so we don't have actual copies of our bills. Some people just don't get that.

Irate Man: Yeah, I need to register my son for school, and I need a copy of my bill.
Me: We don't print our bills here, but I can print a customer history report for you.
IM: What do you mean? I need a copy of my bill.
Me: I'm sorry, we use a printing company to print our bills. I can print a customer history report. That will have all your information on it. The school should accept that.
IM: You have computers! You can just print a copy!

This went on for a while. He finally agreed to accept the report I was offering him, after accusing me of being lazy, because "OurTown is so small, we can't have more than 200 customers" (we have almost 2500 customers, and only two office employees. It really is time consuming to print and mail out all of those bills). I have no reason to lie to my customers, why do they always assume that I am???

[wordgirl]

I don’t have time to savor this thread in its fullness but I do have a story to share, and it will also mark it so I can read it at my leisure. :DA long time ago in a city not that far away, I handled letters to the editor for a small hometown newspaper. I was pretty skilled at dealing with letter writers who wanted their letter in Right! Away! and I’d genuinely do my best, but there were times I just couldn’t help. There’s one I’ll never forget - it's very similar to elephantschild's situation above, which I just noticed. ).

I got back from lunch to find three phone messages (in the course of an hour) from the same person. We didn’t have voice mail then so these were little pink slips, and our receptionist had covered the last one with exclamation points. I called the person back right away. This is approximately the conversation that followed:

Him: “I must get my letter in before the next meeting of Yourtown City Council - I  have information they must consider.”
Me: “OK, let's see. Oh, wait - you know the next meeting is tonight?” (I was thinking he’d say “Oh, I meant the next meeting after that.”)
Instead, he sighed, as if I were stupid.
Him: “Yes. That’s why I called you.”
Me: “OK, sir, you know we’re a morning newspaper, right? We won’t publish another edition until tomorrow morning.”
Him: (long pause.)
Him: “Oh."
Me: "I'm sorry, sir.”
Him: (another long pause)
Him:“Well, how about if I fax it in? Or I can read it to you and you can take dictation?”

Me: *headdesk*
(He was not pleased at my recommendation to actually go to the council meeting and read them his letter.)

elephantschild We've definitely had the experience with the reporters who write epics for a 13-inch hole. What are the editors supposed to do? Make the paper longer? LOL.

[Sirius]

I used to love the doctors who'd bring me a 30-minute tape that was full, front and back, and tell me they needed the report in ten minutes.  I'm good but not that good!  

Then there was this one.  I've told about this one before:  The person in charge of booking patients on planes called me up and told me she needed a summary so she could book a patient on a plane.  I checked the system, and the doctor hadn't dictated anything.  I called her back and told her this, and added, "We've got an operation report.  Would that help?"

Her response:  "I need a summary!"
Me:  "I can't transcribe what hasn't been dictated."
Her:  "But I need a summary so I can book the patient on a plane!"
Me:  "I still can't transcribe what hasn't been dictated.  Call the doctor and get him to dictate a summary, and we'll do it stat (on the double.)"

She said she would, and hung up.

Ten minutes later:
Her:  "I called the doctor, and he's going to be in surgery all afternoon and can't dictate a report, and I need a summary to put that patient on a plane!"
Me:  "We still can't transcribe something that hasn't been dictated.  I can send you the patient's operation report - that has the information you need."

Finally, after about five repetitions of the above I got her to take the operation report.  If she'd asked me to make something up, I'd have refused, but that though apparently never occurred to her (or she had the brains to realize that I'd refuse.)  She wasn't a bad sort, just a little dim at times.

[magiccat26]

That last post reminded me of this story....and yes this is the same CEO from the 9/11 story.

Anyone here who has ever had to put together a presentation probably knows that a good presentation (or training class in my case) takes a lot longer to put together than it does to actually deliver.

My boss would come to me and tell me that he was doing a presentation to a client and needed a full powerpoint with statistics, product offerings (tailored to the client's line of business), etc.  OH, and it should be around 30 minutes long.  Then, he would tell me the presentation was the next day at 9:00 a.m. and could I have it to him in 30 minutes for review because he was leaving for the rest of the day.

When I requested a little more time (as I would have to research the statistics, get with the sales team and finally draft it into the program...), he looked at me with pure disbelief...."It's a couple of powerpoint slides!  It shouldn't take you more than 10 minutes to whip that up!  I'm not asking for a dissertation on the origins of life on mars!"

 

Yeah, there's a real good reason I don't work there any longer!

[Josiepug]

These are great!

I briefly worked at a medical billing company. Basically doctors offices would send us the information and we would bill the patient's insurance company and then the patient. We sent out two bills and then a third one would be sent that was printed on pink paper with a big warning that the account was going to collections if a payment wasn't made. You wouldn't believe how many people only received that bright pink one. There was also apparently a rampant mail stealer all over out state that only stole those first two bills.

Anyway my favorite story is this one. We answered patients billing questions via phone all day long. A patient called and demanded to speak to someone about her account. I was the lucky one that answered this call. I pulled up her information and told her what date her visit was, how many bills had gone to her house, etc.

Patient: I do not want these bills. Please put me on your do not call list. If you continue to send me these bills I will report you to my attorney
            for harassment.
Me: Ma'am I can't do that. We are not asking you to open credit card this is about a bill for services rendered.
Patient: If you continue to harass me I will sue you for all of your money.
Then she hung up the phone.

I think I laughed for a good twenty minutes and was not at all sorry when I sent her to collections about a month later. However, in the mean time she did send us a formal looking letter asking us to cease and desist our harassment.  

[ginlyn32]

My favourite customer last spring was a lady who wanted her mare to become covered by a certain stallion. I told her it wouldn't be possible because he died last year, but offered her to look for one of his sons or - perhaps even more suiting for her mare - one of his nephews.

Me: "I'd take Stallion R. for your mare. He's a son of the sister of the stallion you actually wished and .... a lot of blubber about his merits."
She: "Is he black?"
Me: "No, he's brown."
She: "So I won't get a black foal from him, will I?"
Me: "Well, with your mare being a chestnut who was only having chestnut foals until now it's unlikely to get a black foal ..."
She: "But the stallion I actually wanted was black, wasn't he?"
Me: "Yes, but nevertheless you probably wouldn't have gotten a black foal from him and your mare. He wasn't homozygous black."
She: "How do you know?"
Me: "His sister is a chestnut too."
She: "But he was black!"
Me: "Of course, he was - but him having a sister who is a chestnut means that he wasn't homozygous black. Besides around 75 % of his children are brown."
She: "But he was black and he had black children!"
Me: "Yes, there are black foals of him, but ..."
She: "You have a black son of him, haven't you?"
Me: "Yes, my dressage horse is a son of him and he's black."
She: "Then I want you to cover my mare with him. I insist on her getting him."
Me: "You know, there's one son of your dream stallion who's black and was having a black mother too - with him the chances to get a black foal are pretty high ..."
She: "I want your horse for my mare!"
Me: "You can't have mine. But why don't you try this black son ..."
She (now sounding rather furious): "Why don't you want to let my mare become covered by your black stallion?"
Me: "Because he isn't a stallion anymore!"
She: "What do you mean with that?"
Me: "My boy is a gelding."
She: "So what? I want to have a foal from him."

Sycorax
"That was the moment my jaw dropped ..."

You would think that if you had horses and wanted to breed that you would actually STUDY genetics and bloodlines. I'm told all the horse people in Kentucky and Virgina do that.

Just like if you have a Woman with Blond hair and Blue eyes (both recesive genes) and a Man with black hair and brown eyes (domant genes) does not result in brown hair and brown eyed children. It's all in how the genes match up, which is a gamble.

ANd this is just what I remember from biology class in high school!

Ginger

[EddiesMom]

A dear friend of mine worked at a business which provides travel services in Sioux City, IA.  She worked there in 1989, at the time of the United Flight 232 disaster.  She related the following call to me...

CALLER:  I'm calling to see if my flight leaving tonight is on time.  
FRIEND:  Ma'am, all flights in and out of Sioux Gateway Airport have been cancelled due to the disaster.
CALLER:  What disaster?  
FRIEND:  Ma'am, an aircraft crashed on landing.  All flights in and out have been cancelled indefinitely.  We will be happy to help re-book your flight from another airport.  
CALLER:  NO!  I have to be on that flight tonight, out of this airport!  
FRIEND:  Ma'am, that won't be possible.  The airport is closed indefinitely.  
CALLER:  They can't do that to me!  I have to be on that flight! And what do they mean when they say indefinitely?  
FRIEND:  Ma'am, it's safe to say that the airport will not be open for quite some time.  
CALLER:  You have to give me an answer!  How long will it be before the airport is open?  
FRIEND:  Ma'am, I don't know.
CALLER:  HOW LONG?  
FRIEND:  (Who is very nearly in tears by this time)  Ma'am, the airport will not be open until the wreckage and remains are cleared.  
CALLER:  Remains?  What kind of remains?  
FRIEND:  Bodies, Ma'am.
CALLER:  Human bodies?
FRIEND:  Yes, Ma'am.  
CALLER:  What kind of airport are they running?
FRIEND:  One that is currently dealing with a disaster, Ma'am.

Friend said she hung up the phone, went in the back room, and burst into tears.      
    
 

[just me]

I work for a water company. We use a printing company to print our bills, so we don't have actual copies of our bills. Some people just don't get that.

Irate Man: Yeah, I need to register my son for school, and I need a copy of my bill.

See, this is where I'd have a hard time not pointing out to the customer that he gets a bill each and every month, surely he could have KEPT the customer portion of the bill? We keep that portion of all of our bills in our filing cabinet. I'm amazed that other people don't do the same.

[kajunchick]

Irate Man: Yeah, I need to register my son for school, and I need a copy of my bill.

See, this is where I'd have a hard time not pointing out to the customer that he gets a bill each and every month, surely he could have KEPT the customer portion of the bill? We keep that portion of all of our bills in our filing cabinet. I'm amazed that other people don't do the same.

You'd think, wouldn't you? Or he might have a rent receipt or an electric bill?