Not Going To Happen 'Cause I'm Not Harry Potter (Impossible Patron Requests)

[Sirius]

4:59 pm. I'm locking up for the day.
Since we are still open, I pick up the phone.

The client wants me to email them (complicated file request covering long period of time.)
Oh, and they are kind of in a hurry, so they want it asap, first thing in the morning.

Just.can't.happen.

Sigh.

Where I used to work I got requests all the time for workload figures, so I kept those figures religiously and updated them monthly.  Most of the time people were happy with a copy of my spreadsheet, but once one of the accounting offices called me back after I e-mailed them my figures and told me, "We need these typed up on letterhead."  To which I said, "Go ahead."  The person who called was incredulous that I wouldn't type it up for them, and told me, "We have a short suspense." (means that they had to get this information back to whoever had requested it quickly.)  However, I wasn't about to do their job for them and type it up in a different format, especially since I had no idea why they'd need figures typed up on letterhead. 

[Ceallach]

4:59 pm. I'm locking up for the day.
Since we are still open, I pick up the phone.

The client wants me to email them (complicated file request covering long period of time.)
Oh, and they are kind of in a hurry, so they want it asap, first thing in the morning.

Just.can't.happen.

Sigh.

Where I used to work I got requests all the time for workload figures, so I kept those figures religiously and updated them monthly.  Most of the time people were happy with a copy of my spreadsheet, but once one of the accounting offices called me back after I e-mailed them my figures and told me, "We need these typed up on letterhead."  To which I said, "Go ahead."  The person who called was incredulous that I wouldn't type it up for them, and told me, "We have a short suspense." (means that they had to get this information back to whoever had requested it quickly.)  However, I wasn't about to do their job for them and type it up in a different format, especially since I had no idea why they'd need figures typed up on letterhead.

Lol!  I have to submit monthly management report to our board of directors.  That includes reporting on data that some of my staff record and track in our database.  Maybe I should just force them to collate their data into my report format so that it's easier for me to submit my reports, after all *I* need it in that format....  yeah that idea would go down like a lead balloon!   Maybe I should get them to do my job for me altogether while I'm at it. 

[iridaceae]

A guest who refused to believe that the branch of a specific pharmacy she wanted to be taken to was not 24 hours. She got very upset when I told her that pharmacy had only 1 24 store here in Tucson, and it wasn't the one she was demanding to be taken to at 2 AM.

Apparently if she wants that store open it should be open!   

[White Dragon]

4:59 pm. I'm locking up for the day.
Since we are still open, I pick up the phone.

The client wants me to email them (complicated file request covering long period of time.)
Oh, and they are kind of in a hurry, so they want it asap, first thing in the morning.

Just.can't.happen.

Sigh.

Where I used to work I got requests all the time for workload figures, so I kept those figures religiously and updated them monthly.  Most of the time people were happy with a copy of my spreadsheet, but once one of the accounting offices called me back after I e-mailed them my figures and told me, "We need these typed up on letterhead."  To which I said, "Go ahead."  The person who called was incredulous that I wouldn't type it up for them, and told me, "We have a short suspense." (means that they had to get this information back to whoever had requested it quickly.)  However, I wasn't about to do their job for them and type it up in a different format, especially since I had no idea why they'd need figures typed up on letterhead.

I sent the request to the appropriate person before I left last night.
When she came in, I let her know that the request was pending.

Shortly afterward, the client called, wanting to know where the files were.
Ummm...we are on a 10 am booking deadline. It's not going to happen until we get past deadline.

Oh, and the files had already been sent once before. The client misplaced them.
"Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."
We didn't say it to the client, but everyone working on this request said the same exact thing...

[hobish]

Hehheh. I run into that, too.
“We need this reviewed and we need it right away because it’s closing in an hour.”
  Um … you’ve got 2 separate financial documents, an 86 page set of bylaws, an offering plan that is at least 100 pages … no, honey, it isn’t. I don’t care if the customer is a muckety-muck; I don’t care if it is for the President himself … not happening.

[Fleur-de-Lis]

Hehheh. I run into that, too.
“We need this reviewed and we need it right away because it’s closing in an hour.”
  Um … you’ve got 2 separate financial documents, an 86 page set of bylaws, an offering plan that is at least 100 pages … no, honey, it isn’t. I don’t care if the customer is a muckety-muck; I don’t care if it is for the President himself … not happening.

I know that feeling.  I've taken it into my head to attempt to reconcile the attorney hours/expenses spreadsheet I have custody of.  As it stands, the number of hours for each attorney does not match the amount of fees assessed. 

I'm going to have fun bringing this to the senior attorney's attention.  He may or may not act on it, but at least I will have done *my* part.

[NyaChan]

I used to work at a cafe and one day as I was working the register a couple came up.  They were clearly giving me what they seemed to think were surreptitious glances and whispering to each other so I was already a bit intrigued as to whether it was me or the muffins that had drawn their attention. 

They walk up to the counter and the man with a super eager look on his face starts talking in gobbledygook.  Or at least that's what I thought at first, but then he stopped and smiled at me with an expectant look on his face.  Then it hit me, they were trying to speak with me in one of several hundred  languages from India.  I don't know which one it was, but I did know it wasn't one I could speak.  I apologized and explained that I didn't understand that language. 

And with a look of utter shock and disappointment he goes, "But it's Indian! You're Indian!"  Again I explained, yes I am Indian, but there are a lot of Indian languages and unfortunately I don't speak that one.  I smiled and asked what they would like to order hoping for the exchange to end, but he just kept spluttering about how "It's Indian. I traveled through India, it's Indian,"  while his wife nodded in agreement.   

All I could think was, "Sir, it might as well be Khoisan, cuz I'm still not gonna understand it."

[BarensMom]

I used to work at a cafe and one day as I was working the register a couple came up.  They were clearly giving me what they seemed to think were surreptitious glances and whispering to each other so I was already a bit intrigued as to whether it was me or the muffins that had drawn their attention. 

They walk up to the counter and the man with a super eager look on his face starts talking in gobbledygook.  Or at least that's what I thought at first, but then he stopped and smiled at me with an expectant look on his face.  Then it hit me, they were trying to speak with me in one of several hundred  languages from India.  I don't know which one it was, but I did know it wasn't one I could speak.  I apologized and explained that I didn't understand that language. 

And with a look of utter shock and disappointment he goes, "But it's Indian! You're Indian!"  Again I explained, yes I am Indian, but there are a lot of Indian languages and unfortunately I don't speak that one.  I smiled and asked what they would like to order hoping for the exchange to end, but he just kept spluttering about how "It's Indian. I traveled through India, it's Indian,"  while his wife nodded in agreement.   

All I could think was, "Sir, it might as well be Khoisan, cuz I'm still not gonna understand it."

I asked one of my bosses what language did people from different regions of India use to communicate with each other.  "English," he replied.

[WolfWay]

Not sure if this is a Harry Potter request or a "makes my head hurt" exchange.

I'm a software developer and I've been working (for the last two months) on writing a huge application for another department within our company. The application has multiple parts and is designed to process large amounts of raw data to extract specific values. This is something that the other dept has been doing by hand and this app will make their job much easier and quicker to do.

The problem is that every time the analyst (who is designing the system that I'm coding) goes for a meeting with the other department to discuss progress and show them what we've done, they change their mind about how they want it to organise and process the raw data. It's like trying to climb a wall of crumbling sand, and for every step forward, I slide three steps back. I'm going to die of old age coding this application. 

The latest round of changes basically inverted the entire way the application handles and processes the data. It took me two months to get it right last time because of the sheer quantity of changes and extensions. Now they give us the new system requirements on Tuesday morning. Friday morning, I start getting emails from other dept head saying "We need to start inputting data into this system today and we need it functional and live by Monday".  I got various versions of that email throughout the day remind me how urgent and high priority this project is and they need it today!

Apparently they can make me magically produce at least 100 hours of coding in four hours by repeatedly reminding me how urgent and high priority it is.

I don't know if the other dept labours under the assertion that computers are magical or that they work like Star Trek ("Computer, write me an analysis program that organises data by the date time and branch number"). All I know is that it's going to take me at least two weeks to completely reorganize the logic, and it still has to go through extensive testing before we'll let them use if for making any business decisions.

[Seraphia]

Not sure if this is a Harry Potter request or a "makes my head hurt" exchange.

I'm a software developer and I've been working (for the last two months) on writing a huge application for another department within our company. The application has multiple parts and is designed to process large amounts of raw data to extract specific values. This is something that the other dept has been doing by hand and this app will make their job much easier and quicker to do.

The problem is that every time the analyst (who is designing the system that I'm coding) goes for a meeting with the other department to discuss progress and show them what we've done, they change their mind about how they want it to organise and process the raw data. It's like trying to climb a wall of crumbling sand, and for every step forward, I slide three steps back. I'm going to die of old age coding this application. 

The latest round of changes basically inverted the entire way the application handles and processes the data. It took me two months to get it right last time because of the sheer quantity of changes and extensions. Now they give us the new system requirements on Tuesday morning. Friday morning, I start getting emails from other dept head saying "We need to start inputting data into this system today and we need it functional and live by Monday".  I got various versions of that email throughout the day remind me how urgent and high priority this project is and they need it today!

Apparently they can make me magically produce at least 100 hours of coding in four hours by repeatedly reminding me how urgent and high priority it is.

I don't know if the other dept labours under the assertion that computers are magical or that they work like Star Trek ("Computer, write me an analysis program that organises data by the date time and branch number"). All I know is that it's going to take me at least two weeks to completely reorganize the logic, and it still has to go through extensive testing before we'll let them use if for making any business decisions.

But computers ARE magic! Or at least, that's what some people seems to think. My contact with the client seems to be under the same impression as yours - if you send enough emails, have enough meetings and make enough spreadsheets, eventually the computer will just spit out perfect data, no questions asked.

Newsflash! The computers cannot read spreadsheets or emails, and if you don't include the programmers in the meetings, there's no way for us to know that loading the last 15% of the test data suddenly went from (hohum) lowest to (PANIC BUTTON) highest priority. Also, no, it will not be finished by Monday at noon when you ask me to do it on Friday at 4:30, then go home before I can point out that the spreadsheet has no useful data on it.

[Stormtreader]

You get til noon?
Here we have someone frantically emailing that they MUST have this done by first thing tuesday or the WORLD WILL END...and then they email us the spreadsheet at 5.30 monday night, just before they go home.
Yeah, the servers may work all night, but I dont....

[BabyMama]

I used to work at a cafe and one day as I was working the register a couple came up.  They were clearly giving me what they seemed to think were surreptitious glances and whispering to each other so I was already a bit intrigued as to whether it was me or the muffins that had drawn their attention. 

They walk up to the counter and the man with a super eager look on his face starts talking in gobbledygook.  Or at least that's what I thought at first, but then he stopped and smiled at me with an expectant look on his face.  Then it hit me, they were trying to speak with me in one of several hundred  languages from India.  I don't know which one it was, but I did know it wasn't one I could speak.  I apologized and explained that I didn't understand that language. 

And with a look of utter shock and disappointment he goes, "But it's Indian! You're Indian!"  Again I explained, yes I am Indian, but there are a lot of Indian languages and unfortunately I don't speak that one.  I smiled and asked what they would like to order hoping for the exchange to end, but he just kept spluttering about how "It's Indian. I traveled through India, it's Indian,"  while his wife nodded in agreement.   

All I could think was, "Sir, it might as well be Khoisan, cuz I'm still not gonna understand it."

This happened to me a couple of weeks ago! I'm Korean, but am adopted and don't speak Korean. In fact, English is my only language. At a coffee place I had an older man come up to me and say something in what as gibberish to me. I looked at him, confused, and he repeated it. I had no idea what to say...eventually he realized I didn't understand him and he asked me if I spoke Thai (um, if I spoke Thai, I would have replied to you the first time...) I told him sorry, I didn't. He then proceeded to tell me about his visit to Thailand--as though I was Thai. Okay then. 

[artk2002]

The problem is that every time the analyst (who is designing the system that I'm coding) goes for a meeting with the other department to discuss progress and show them what we've done, they change their mind about how they want it to organise and process the raw data. It's like trying to climb a wall of crumbling sand, and for every step forward, I slide three steps back. I'm going to die of old age coding this application. 

Your analyst, or whoever is managing the project, is doing a terrible job. The other department are acting like customers always will, unless they're managed properly. Dealing with this is really quite simple. You get a requirements document signed by the customer. You make it clear that that is what you are building and that any changes after that are a different task and not covered under the agreement between the groups. Then you hold them to that. "I'm sorry, that wasn't in the original requirements -- shall we open a change request and put that into the list of other changes you've already asked for?"

Having a piece of paper that you can point to and say "this is what you asked for -- this is what you get" is the only way to survive projects like this. It boggles my mind that development groups let themselves be jerked around like this -- I have project management books 30+ years old that talk about how to avoid this problem.

[Ceallach]

The problem is that every time the analyst (who is designing the system that I'm coding) goes for a meeting with the other department to discuss progress and show them what we've done, they change their mind about how they want it to organise and process the raw data. It's like trying to climb a wall of crumbling sand, and for every step forward, I slide three steps back. I'm going to die of old age coding this application. 

Your analyst, or whoever is managing the project, is doing a terrible job. The other department are acting like customers always will, unless they're managed properly. Dealing with this is really quite simple. You get a requirements document signed by the customer. You make it clear that that is what you are building and that any changes after that are a different task and not covered under the agreement between the groups. Then you hold them to that. "I'm sorry, that wasn't in the original requirements -- shall we open a change request and put that into the list of other changes you've already asked for?"

Having a piece of paper that you can point to and say "this is what you asked for -- this is what you get" is the only way to survive projects like this. It boggles my mind that development groups let themselves be jerked around like this -- I have project management books 30+ years old that talk about how to avoid this problem.

I agree, it's mind boggling!   I also see this happen frequently on projects, but it has to be managed tightly and clearly documented.  They don't get to change their minds continually and expect people to run around and cater to every whim.

[WolfWay]

The problem is that every time the analyst (who is designing the system that I'm coding) goes for a meeting with the other department to discuss progress and show them what we've done, they change their mind about how they want it to organise and process the raw data. It's like trying to climb a wall of crumbling sand, and for every step forward, I slide three steps back. I'm going to die of old age coding this application. 

Your analyst, or whoever is managing the project, is doing a terrible job. The other department are acting like customers always will, unless they're managed properly. Dealing with this is really quite simple. You get a requirements document signed by the customer. You make it clear that that is what you are building and that any changes after that are a different task and not covered under the agreement between the groups. Then you hold them to that. "I'm sorry, that wasn't in the original requirements -- shall we open a change request and put that into the list of other changes you've already asked for?"

Having a piece of paper that you can point to and say "this is what you asked for -- this is what you get" is the only way to survive projects like this. It boggles my mind that development groups let themselves be jerked around like this -- I have project management books 30+ years old that talk about how to avoid this problem.

The bolded bit is how every single other project we have worked on is handled. For some reason, this isn't being applied to this internal project and I have no idea why. If nothing else, it's a perfect example of why that process must be followed.

I agree, it's mind boggling!   I also see this happen frequently on projects, but it has to be managed tightly and clearly documented.  They don't get to change their minds continually and expect people to run around and cater to every whim.

Oh, trust me, I've been saying this OVER and OVER and OVER throughout the whole thing, but nooooooooooooooooooo....  The analyst has no say in whether we do the change or not, that decision lies with our dept head. Dept head is just going "give them what they want" and dismissing our concerns, probably because she's swamped and hasn't grasped the implications of what other dept were asking for. I think she has no idea how much work is entailed in doing these changes and it's finally sinking in when both analyst and I are refusing to take on any other tasks (or rather notifying the requestors that there will be at least a two week delay until we can actually do what they need, would they perhaps like to ask other team instead).

We have had the occasional incidence of attempted scope creep with projects for outside clients, but usually my dept head is the first one to swat that into submission. For some reason, she has had a total blind spot to this particular project. 

Things may finally have gotten through to her, because now she's told the other dept head that no more changes will happen unless she's in the meeting to authorise them. <sigh>