Not Going To Happen 'Cause I'm Not Harry Potter (Impossible Patron Requests)

[siamesecat2965]

Our office deals with vehicle registration. Ever since the state installed a new system, all "title" transactions are cut off at 2 p.m.. This has been going on since May. Every day from 2 p.m. till closing (5 p.m.) customers come in past no fewer than 3 different signs that say "Title work will not be processed after 2 p.m.".  They still say they didn't know about it.

Last week a gentlelman came in after 2, and would not take my word that we could not help him that day. He complained that it wasn't HIS fault that his car was at the tow lot....it wasn't HIS fault that he had to go to court. I repeated that I was sorry, but we cut off title work at 2, and he would have to come back another day. He said, "Isn't there something you can do?" I replied, "Sir, in order to help you I would have to have the ability to turn back time, and I just can't do that."  He asked for a supervisor, and she told him the same thing.

I just love the "I didn't know that" response.  Which I get from customers when I let them know I'm very sorry but I can't take their return as its past the deadline.  And has been 90 days for the last FOUR years.  And is printed on each and every receipt, AND is on signs at the cashwrap. Sorry, but if you weren't aware, that's not my problem.

[2littlemonkeys]

I am convinced that computers like to go on vacation.  I used to handle all hardware/software issues for my department.  If I couldn't fix something at the customer's desk, I would bring it back to my office...where it would immediately begin working perfectly, and continue working perfectly when it went 'home'.

Occasionally we have problems with our computers, and DH, someone who can build computers and troubleshoot almost anything, after trying everything he can think of, will give up in disgust and declare that we must need to replace some expensive part. (It's never a cheap part.) I say "Turn it off and let it rest a while" and he'll argue that rest won't fix whatever problem it has. But sure enough, nine times out of ten the computer starts right up after sitting for a few hours. These are not overheating problems, either, but putting the computer in time out does work sometimes. And if time out doesn't work, thumping it is worth a shot. 

The technical term is "percussive maintenance". I'm a great believer, myself.

I always called that 'impact adjustment', and I'm a believer, too.

I always called it "Threaten it with a sledgehammer" but "percussive maintenance" sounds much more professional.  Whatever it's called, our old copy machine was terrified of me.   

[Minmom3]

I am convinced that computers like to go on vacation.  I used to handle all hardware/software issues for my department.  If I couldn't fix something at the customer's desk, I would bring it back to my office...where it would immediately begin working perfectly, and continue working perfectly when it went 'home'.

Occasionally we have problems with our computers, and DH, someone who can build computers and troubleshoot almost anything, after trying everything he can think of, will give up in disgust and declare that we must need to replace some expensive part. (It's never a cheap part.) I say "Turn it off and let it rest a while" and he'll argue that rest won't fix whatever problem it has. But sure enough, nine times out of ten the computer starts right up after sitting for a few hours. These are not overheating problems, either, but putting the computer in time out does work sometimes. And if time out doesn't work, thumping it is worth a shot. 

The technical term is "percussive maintenance". I'm a great believer, myself.

DH calls it the "whackit" principle, promulgated by Ernest T. Whackit.....

[WolfWay]

I am convinced that computers like to go on vacation.  I used to handle all hardware/software issues for my department.  If I couldn't fix something at the customer's desk, I would bring it back to my office...where it would immediately begin working perfectly, and continue working perfectly when it went 'home'.

Occasionally we have problems with our computers, and DH, someone who can build computers and troubleshoot almost anything, after trying everything he can think of, will give up in disgust and declare that we must need to replace some expensive part. (It's never a cheap part.) I say "Turn it off and let it rest a while" and he'll argue that rest won't fix whatever problem it has. But sure enough, nine times out of ten the computer starts right up after sitting for a few hours. These are not overheating problems, either, but putting the computer in time out does work sometimes. And if time out doesn't work, thumping it is worth a shot. 

The technical term is "percussive maintenance". I'm a great believer, myself.

I always called that 'impact adjustment', and I'm a believer, too.

Heh. Now I'm thinking of Avengers.

Hawkeye: What happened?
BlackWidow: Cognitive Recalibration.
Hawkeye: Huh?
BlackWidow: I kicked you in the head.

[Fallon]

A customer called today wanting to know why the repair man hadn't come to his home yesterday. I pulled up his claim and saw that yesterday was the date the parts needed to complete his repair were due to arrive. I assumed he had misunderstood what had been explained to him during the initial call when we first got the claim (a call that I made and had to leave a voicemail), so I advised him (politely) that yesterday had only been the estimated date of arrival for his parts, and from the notes it appeared the repair man had tried to confirm the parts were available first thing this morning, but was being told they were not.

Before I could go further and explain what I would do to help him (follow up on where the parts had gone) he got very upset with me and the conversation eventually dissolved into him telling me it was unacceptable that I didn't have a magic wand to fix it.  I might go to customer service ehell for this, but my response was "I'm sorry sir, I have a wand, however it doesn't work like that. Please hold" and then passed him off to someone higher up.

The VP thought it was hysterical.

[elephantschild]

I am convinced that computers like to go on vacation.  I used to handle all hardware/software issues for my department.  If I couldn't fix something at the customer's desk, I would bring it back to my office...where it would immediately begin working perfectly, and continue working perfectly when it went 'home'.

Occasionally we have problems with our computers, and DH, someone who can build computers and troubleshoot almost anything, after trying everything he can think of, will give up in disgust and declare that we must need to replace some expensive part. (It's never a cheap part.) I say "Turn it off and let it rest a while" and he'll argue that rest won't fix whatever problem it has. But sure enough, nine times out of ten the computer starts right up after sitting for a few hours. These are not overheating problems, either, but putting the computer in time out does work sometimes. And if time out doesn't work, thumping it is worth a shot. 

We think the computers in our office have a crush on the IT guy, or just really like him.   We can be having problem upon problem with them, file many help requests with IT, and when he's actually there, standing in front of them ... they work just fine.

Two seconds after he leaves, boom. The problems are back. Sigh.

[hobish]

A customer called today wanting to know why the repair man hadn't come to his home yesterday. I pulled up his claim and saw that yesterday was the date the parts needed to complete his repair were due to arrive. I assumed he had misunderstood what had been explained to him during the initial call when we first got the claim (a call that I made and had to leave a voicemail), so I advised him (politely) that yesterday had only been the estimated date of arrival for his parts, and from the notes it appeared the repair man had tried to confirm the parts were available first thing this morning, but was being told they were not.

Before I could go further and explain what I would do to help him (follow up on where the parts had gone) he got very upset with me and the conversation eventually dissolved into him telling me it was unacceptable that I didn't have a magic wand to fix it.  I might go to customer service ehell for this, but my response was "I'm sorry sir, I have a wand, however it doesn't work like that. Please hold" and then passed him off to someone higher up.

The VP thought it was hysterical.

I think it depends on the customer. Sometimes an answer like that is jokey enough to break the tension. I have told people that i am fresh out of pixie dust -- and our "customers" are all from a sister company so they will sometimes call and ask if we can use our pixie dust to fix something  I have also used "My crystal ball is perpetually cloudy." Of course some people will not think it is cute, but i find that a lot do.

[AfleetAlex]

I've been known to tell my mother that I failed my ESP test so I can't read her mind. 

[2littlemonkeys]

I'm an assistant and one of my main duties is to prepare and process expense reports.  When the reimbursement comes in, I get an email from our finance department and I go grab the check to give to the employee.  It is fairly common knowledge that the checks are actually cut at a different office and are sent here.  I can't give a person their check until the finance department physically gets it from Other City (which is several hundred miles away).

One afternoon, I got an email from a guy I work with.  He wanted to know if a check he was expecting was going to come in the next day.  If so, could he get it today?

We do have such a relationship that allowed for my response of "Well, only if you have a time machine."  He laughed and said something like, "Yeah, I guess that wouldn't really work."

[magicdomino]

I've been known to tell my mother that I failed my ESP test so I can't read her mind. 

I tell people that I flunked ESP class.  The funny part is, I really did take a class on ESP, and while it wasn't graded, I didn't do too well on the tests.   

[deadbody]

I've been known to tell my mother that I failed my ESP test so I can't read her mind. 

I tell people that I flunked ESP class.  The funny part is, I really did take a class on ESP, and while it wasn't graded, I didn't do too well on the tests.   

I guess since you didn't do too well you didn't see that coming...... 

[Yvaine]

A customer called today wanting to know why the repair man hadn't come to his home yesterday. I pulled up his claim and saw that yesterday was the date the parts needed to complete his repair were due to arrive. I assumed he had misunderstood what had been explained to him during the initial call when we first got the claim (a call that I made and had to leave a voicemail), so I advised him (politely) that yesterday had only been the estimated date of arrival for his parts, and from the notes it appeared the repair man had tried to confirm the parts were available first thing this morning, but was being told they were not.

Before I could go further and explain what I would do to help him (follow up on where the parts had gone) he got very upset with me and the conversation eventually dissolved into him telling me it was unacceptable that I didn't have a magic wand to fix it.  I might go to customer service ehell for this, but my response was "I'm sorry sir, I have a wand, however it doesn't work like that. Please hold" and then passed him off to someone higher up.

The VP thought it was hysterical.

I think it depends on the customer. Sometimes an answer like that is jokey enough to break the tension. I have told people that i am fresh out of pixie dust -- and our "customers" are all from a sister company so they will sometimes call and ask if we can use our pixie dust to fix something  I have also used "My crystal ball is perpetually cloudy." Of course some people will not think it is cute, but i find that a lot do.

Yeah, there are circumstances where I've gotten away with shaking an imaginary Magic 8 ball and saying "Signs are unclear" and gotten a laugh. (this was face to face, not on the phone, fwiw)

[LazyDaisy]

I'm an assistant and one of my main duties is to prepare and process expense reports.  When the reimbursement comes in, I get an email from our finance department and I go grab the check to give to the employee.  It is fairly common knowledge that the checks are actually cut at a different office and are sent here.  I can't give a person their check until the finance department physically gets it from Other City (which is several hundred miles away).

One afternoon, I got an email from a guy I work with.  He wanted to know if a check he was expecting was going to come in the next day.  If so, could he get it today?

We do have such a relationship that allowed for my response of "Well, only if you have a time machine."  He laughed and said something like, "Yeah, I guess that wouldn't really work."

On the check needing to be physically present vein...I had a customer one time ask if they could fax me the check so I could process an order faster (all orders were prepaid). Um, I don't think the bank would honor that one.

[Slartibartfast]

I've been known to tell my mother that I failed my ESP test so I can't read her mind. 

I tell people that I flunked ESP class.  The funny part is, I really did take a class on ESP, and while it wasn't graded, I didn't do too well on the tests.   

One of my psychology professors had a cartoon on her office door - it showed a class with "PARAPSYCHOLOGY 101" on the board and the caption was something like "Answers are due at the end of class.  Your test will be handed out next week."

[MissRose]

I work for an internet provider, and we have had some issues with email not accepted by a few providers.  It is an issue being worked on and the other place is dragging their feet allowing ALL not some of our customer email.

I cannot tell you the amount of times I've told people verbally or in writing that we are working with the other place but the other place is taking their time.  Many think we have the power to tell the other company to lift all of their restrictions immediately when we have no power like that all over the other place!