Not Going To Happen 'Cause I'm Not Harry Potter (Impossible Patron Requests)

[Garden Goblin]

My favorite impossible request -

Them: 'Hi, I need you to walk me through task on the computer.'
Me: 'Okay, do ____ and tell me what you see on the screen'
Them: 'Oh, I'm not at my computer/home/etc....'
Me: :::headdesk:::

[Catananche]

I did tech support for a while and (besides the 'normal' strange calls) this one was the best ever.

Note: ... indicates his voice trailing off
Me: Hello, techsupport, this is Catananche. How can I help you today?
Man: Yes, I have a problem with my wireless modem...
Me: Yes? What seems to be the problem?
Man: I ordered a wireless modem...
Me: Yes? <thinking "Give me something to work with please!">
Man: It has wires and I'm really upset about it!
Me: <he's gotta be kidding me!> Sir, the modem needs wires, it's made so you can use your computer without wires. It's really neat!
Man: NO!!! A WIRELESS MODEM DOESN'T HAVE WIRES! IT'S WIRELESS!!!!!! I WANT A WIRELESS MODEM!
Me: I'm sorry, but <my company> doesn't have wireless modems, we have modems that can be used for wireless internet. I can help you installing the modem you have?
Man: NO! WIRELESS!!!! WIRELESS!!! WIRELEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! <click>
Me:  What did just happen?

[PeterM]

I don't know about anyone else, but I do not have a printing press up my behind to print copies of this book.

And the award for Most Disturbing Superpower That Would Still Be Useful In Some Circumstances goes to...

[RebeccainGA]

I don't know about anyone else, but I do not have a printing press up my behind to print copies of this book.

And the award for Most Disturbing Superpower That Would Still Be Useful In Some Circumstances goes to...

*snerk*

[Jocelyn]

I did tech support for a while and (besides the 'normal' strange calls) this one was the best ever.

Note: ... indicates his voice trailing off
Me: Hello, techsupport, this is Catananche. How can I help you today?
Man: Yes, I have a problem with my wireless modem...
Me: Yes? What seems to be the problem?
Man: I ordered a wireless modem...
Me: Yes? <thinking "Give me something to work with please!">
Man: It has wires and I'm really upset about it!
Me: <he's gotta be kidding me!> Sir, the modem needs wires, it's made so you can use your computer without wires. It's really neat!
Man: NO!!! A WIRELESS MODEM DOESN'T HAVE WIRES! IT'S WIRELESS!!!!!! I WANT A WIRELESS MODEM!
Me: I'm sorry, but <my company> doesn't have wireless modems, we have modems that can be used for wireless internet. I can help you installing the modem you have?
Man: NO! WIRELESS!!!! WIRELESS!!! WIRELEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! <click>
Me:  What did just happen?

I'm not completely sure, but I suspect your caller was wearing an aluminum foil hat while talking to you. 

[Cami]

My favorite impossible request -

Them: 'Hi, I need you to walk me through task on the computer.'
Me: 'Okay, do ____ and tell me what you see on the screen'
Them: 'Oh, I'm not at my computer/home/etc....'
Me: :::headdesk:::

It's like those people who call my office for phone numbers and addresses and when you start to give them the info say, IMPATIENTLY, "WAIT A MINUTE! I need to get a pen and paper, you know!"

Why would I know that? I'd prefer to think you had a brain in your head and when YOU chose to call for information, would be prepared to write down that information.

My favorite though was the woman who called asking for that information and wanted me to text it to her phone since she was driving and couldn't write the number down. She was quite put out when I told her that I don't have a texting feature on my phone. "Well, what am I supposed to do?" I suggested she pull over at her earliest opportunity and call back when she could write down the info. Rocket science, apparently.

[Mediancat]

Cami: I've gotten an audible eyeroll, though, when I say, "Hold on while I get the pen," when what I mean is, "Hold on a second until I pick it up." I understand getting annoyed if the person takes more than a couple of seconds, but in most cases I'm not actually holding the pen in my hand while I make the call.

Rob

[mmswm]

Cami: I've gotten an audible eyeroll, though, when I say, "Hold on while I get the pen," when what I mean is, "Hold on a second until I pick it up." I understand getting annoyed if the person takes more than a couple of seconds, but in most cases I'm not actually holding the pen in my hand while I make the call.

Rob

And then there's the pen curse I'm afflicted with.  You see, I can go through all the trouble of finding a pen and making sure it works, but for whatever reason, as soon as the person starts to give me the needed information, the pen stops working or explodes in spectacular fashion.  This happens with frightening regularity.

[heartmug]

Cami: I've gotten an audible eyeroll, though, when I say, "Hold on while I get the pen," when what I mean is, "Hold on a second until I pick it up." I understand getting annoyed if the person takes more than a couple of seconds, but in most cases I'm not actually holding the pen in my hand while I make the call.

Rob

And then there's the pen curse I'm afflicted with.  You see, I can go through all the trouble of finding a pen and making sure it works, but for whatever reason, as soon as the person starts to give me the needed information, the pen stops working or explodes in spectacular fashion.  This happens with frightening regularity.

That used to happen to me a lot so much so when my kids were little I would have a crayon near the phone to write down messages with.

[BabylonSister]

Cami: I've gotten an audible eyeroll, though, when I say, "Hold on while I get the pen," when what I mean is, "Hold on a second until I pick it up." I understand getting annoyed if the person takes more than a couple of seconds, but in most cases I'm not actually holding the pen in my hand while I make the call.

Rob

And then there's the pen curse I'm afflicted with.  You see, I can go through all the trouble of finding a pen and making sure it works, but for whatever reason, as soon as the person starts to give me the needed information, the pen stops working or explodes in spectacular fashion.  This happens with frightening regularity.

That used to happen to me a lot so much so when my kids were little I would have a crayon near the phone to write down messages with.

My mom used to tie the pen with a length of yarn to the phone table.

[mmswm]

Cami: I've gotten an audible eyeroll, though, when I say, "Hold on while I get the pen," when what I mean is, "Hold on a second until I pick it up." I understand getting annoyed if the person takes more than a couple of seconds, but in most cases I'm not actually holding the pen in my hand while I make the call.

Rob

And then there's the pen curse I'm afflicted with.  You see, I can go through all the trouble of finding a pen and making sure it works, but for whatever reason, as soon as the person starts to give me the needed information, the pen stops working or explodes in spectacular fashion.  This happens with frightening regularity.

That used to happen to me a lot so much so when my kids were little I would have a crayon near the phone to write down messages with.

I should do this.  I still have one kid little enough to have crayons around.

[Yarnspinner]

It happened again.

I've written about the patrons who want their own gmail/yahoo/aol accounts.  But they want US to sign them up, create their user ID and passwords and then, the next time they come in, they will ask us to log them in because they, of course, don't have to remember their ID and password; WE'LL remember it for them.

Today brought a new wrinkle to the proceedings.  A man was in with two women, one in her thirties the other in her twenties.  Neither one spoke English or anything close to it.   He wanted ME to sit down and create emails for them and explain to them how it was done. 

Sorry, I can speak some French and Spanish and even a little Japanese, but I do not know nor will I likely ever know how to speak Pakistani.  He, of course, KNEW how to create the accounts, but was quite up front about not feeling like it.  Even though he speaks the language. 

One of my (much younger and more patient) coworkers took over trying to show them what to do.  It has been two hours and they still don't have even their passwords created.  Younger and more patient coworker is looking waaaaay older and has become a lot snappier in the last two hours as well.

[Yarnspinner]

And another one today....

Dear Sir,

However much you may wish it, the book you requested about Calypso Music and insisted it would be found in the 500s (natural sciences) is NOT about calypso music but about "the" Calypso--Jacques Cousteau's vessel.  My advice would be NOT to listen to "some guy who told you this is the book about music" and maybe listen to the librarian who can actually find what you are looking for.

Unfortunately, I guess he thought I was being mean or condescending when I explained WHY a book about Jacques Cousteau was NOT going to be about calypso music.  He said he would be back when "the guy" was here.

This is frustrating because it means one of my own coworkers told him the wrong book to request.

[Elisabunny]

And another one today....

Dear Sir,

However much you may wish it, the book you requested about Calypso Music and insisted it would be found in the 500s (natural sciences) is NOT about calypso music but about "the" Calypso--Jacques Cousteau's vessel.  My advice would be NOT to listen to "some guy who told you this is the book about music" and maybe listen to the librarian who can actually find what you are looking for.

Unfortunately, I guess he thought I was being mean or condescending when I explained WHY a book about Jacques Cousteau was NOT going to be about calypso music.  He said he would be back when "the guy" was here.

This is frustrating because it means one of my own coworkers told him the wrong book to request.

And no, the song about the Calypso does not count as Calypso Music.

[PeterM]

Our librarian encountered what I can only hope was a once in a career request yesterday.

She was asked to provide a book that proves the world is round. Seems the patron thought the Shuttle disaster was a cover-up to keep the mission from discovering it's really flat. Why the patron waited ten (or twenty-seven?) years to look into this, or what she thought all the other hundred-plus shuttle missions were up to, were not part of the reference interview. Pity.

Needless to say, this was not actually an impossible request, but it also wasn't as simple as you might think. Leaving aside the patron's skepticism, my library doesn't stock Basic Knowledge For Basic Nitwits. The vast majority of books assume a certain minimum level of knowledge. The librarian managed to satisfy the patron, though, at least for the moment.

Seriously, though, a Flat-Earther. In Oregon. In 2013. I am simultaneously proud and ashamed to be an American.