Not Going To Happen 'Cause I'm Not Harry Potter (Impossible Patron Requests)

[bopper]

My eyes are crossing.  I have written about this patron elsewhere, but I think I have to unload the whole tale here before I lose what little is left of my mind.

Bert is a nice guy, but he is obsessive to the point of madness.  He is very interested in the history of Our City and does a lot of research on it.  That's fine. He is also African American which isn't actually important, but does add a twist to this tale.

Unfortunately, he does not research his other obsession, which is proving that before Franklin Delano Roosevelt took office, Herbert Hoover had desegregated the army, Jim Crow did not exist, racism did not exist, everyone got on well in some sort of multicultural utopia, there was happy intermarriage, AND the Depression never happened (Roosevelt invented it to discredit Hoover), college was free to all as were hospitals.  No one went hungry, there were no food lines and....everyone lived in a paradise where no one had to work, etc., etc....

His "proof" are the speeches of Herbert Hoover.  Period.

At first we tried to engage the crazy and explain what real evidence is.  We tried to explain, light heartedly, that a speech given by someone seeking reelection is not evidence and, frankly, that the speeches of pretty much EVERY president since Washington sound an awful lot a like...everything is raining puppies and unicorns cavort about sneezing up rainbows. 

We might as well talk to ourselves as he comes back day after day demanding more and more proof about his belief of the 1930s utopia.  He will stand at our desk and read from the speeches to back up whatever point he is making.  Interesting fact:  both his parents grew up during the Depression, but apparently they are part of the conspiracy to suppress this information.

I said one day "So, my Grandmother was lying about having to take in washing to make ends meet?" and "Medical care was free?  Boy, Gramma got taken for a ride since she and Grampa had to PAY the hospital and the doctor with real cash money when my Uncle was born."  And "Bert, are you calling my Grandmother a liar?"  And he just chuckles and keeps arguing his point.

It has reached a place where we cannot make him go away as he is determined to "open our eyes" to the truth of our current situation.  No matter what information we are able to find for him, he dismisses it, no matter the slant is right left or center...it's all a conspiracy and we have to produce information to prove this consipiracy.

I finally told him that I wanted to stay friends and that he was frustrating that aim and that if he wanted to ask me for help on any other topic, I would help, but if he mentioned Hoover and Roosevelt, I would walk away.  He's been good about not asking me for proof of his theories, but it's still a drain on our time and energy.  Today my colleagues and I were calling each other in order to free up whoever Bert was holding hostage at the time.

I've asked my supervisor if we may start instituting a five minute rule for chatting and slightly delusional people. 

I'm sure this sounds silly and not that big a deal, but this has been going on for six months and daily it becomes more oppressive, especially since we have to deal with multiple versions of Bert embodied in other patrons.

"You know, Bert, we don't have any information about that.  Have you tried <other library>?  Maybe they do."

[esteban]

Museums need to be very careful because you never know what people will try to do.

Because they're not heavily visited, the period rooms are always a problem.  An amorous couple was found attempting to play 'Scrabble' in a 17th century bed. 

Heck, a janitor found a pair of museum visitors trying the same thing when he went into a closet for a mop. 

Museum guards probably have reams of stories to tell. 

   

Janitors of any ilk often have many such stories.  When I was a new teacher, the janitor in our building often caught kids in the bathroom playing scrabble of many varieties.  When I was a museum docent during undergrad, I learned to never leave the back gallery unattended during high school field trips for the exact same reason.

My son came home one day from 8th grade and said that a couple people he knew were suspended for playing scrabble and partaking in a certain "medicinal in states we don't live in" herb.  I'm not sure if it makes us bad parents but the first thought my wife and I had was doing that at the same time in a school bathroom involves a degree of multi-tasking and iniative that is impressive if misguided.

[cwm]

He explained that he was just passing through (lived 2 states over), but thought he would stop in and see if he could find any information about his grandmother's family. 
He refused!  He wanted to "have something to hold in my hands that my ancestors actually touched."   

He actually thought that he could go into a museum, and the curator would let him handle the artifacts because he claimed to be a descendant of the original owner? Seriously?
The best I think you could have given him was if said ethnic group were of a particular religion, that if he went to the church he might find something his ancestors had touched, like a communion rail.
But even that's a stretch.

All the time we would have people come in wanting to see Papyrus X, Y, or Z.  When we pulled out a big 19th century book with photographs of the ancient document and a translation of the text (usually in French or German) you could hear their jaws hit the floor. 

These folks really expected that we'd unroll a 3,500 year old papyrus scroll in front of them and leave them alone to 'commune with the ancestors'. 

Yeah, right.

To be fair, if I call ahead with enough time to one of the forts nearby from the Civil War, I can arrange a time to get out my ancestor's belongings and see them up close. There's probably loads of rules to follow, and I wouldn't mind in the least wearing white cotton gloves if I got to actually hold his saber, but I figure it's so much work for the parks department and the people working the museum that it's not worth it for me to actually call ahead and DO it. It's nice enough for me just seeing it. But it's not quite so old as papyrus, and I wouldn't be expected to be left alone with it.

[LazyDaisy]

Impossible request from boss.

Coworker sends me a data file to process. Some of the data file is missing, so it won't process. I email coworker (cc-ing boss in on email to keep him in the loop as to progress) to ask coworker for a more up to date version of the file. Coworker is on leave today, so boss decides to step in and forward the question onto someone who can help... he forwards my own email right back to me!

"Hi Wolfway, in coworker's absence can you provide feedback on this issue?"

I felt like replying with a conversation between me and me discussing how we could work together to solve the issues before finally "both" asking boss if he wanted to forward the question onto someone else who might be able to help (like perhaps me?).

*mad snickering* Well, somebody's not paying attention, and I don't think it's you... 

hehehe I have someone like that at work. Luckily she has a pretty good sense of humor about her own absent-mindedness so I can write back friendly but snarky emails that she needs to please go back and read my original email more carefully. Sometimes is takes more than one reply for her to "get it."

I wrote this: Hi J, I sent the invitations to print at Acme Printing and Mailing Co. today. They'll be ready to mail on Thursday. Do you have the mailing list ready?

She writes back: When do you think they will be finished printing and deliver to Acme Mailing?

I reply: Acme is doing both the printing and mailing. They'll be finished printing Thursday but I need to send them the mailing list. Do you have it ready?

She: I need to know when will they be delivered so I can let Acme know when to expect them?

Me: J, LOL. I don't think you're reading my emails. Acme is doing the printing. Acme will "deliver" to Acme when Acme is finished printing on Thursday. Please send me the mailing list by Thursday.

Her: Oh, sorry. I thought Zenith Printing was doing the printing. When do you need the mailing list?

Me (madly needing an adult beverage with an umbrella in it): Thursday

Her: Ok. Attached is the mailing list.

Some days, I swear I'm on Punked.

[Slartibartfast]

Museums need to be very careful because you never know what people will try to do.

Because they're not heavily visited, the period rooms are always a problem.  An amorous couple was found attempting to play 'Scrabble' in a 17th century bed. 

Heck, a janitor found a pair of museum visitors trying the same thing when he went into a closet for a mop. 

Museum guards probably have reams of stories to tell. 

   

Janitors of any ilk often have many such stories.  When I was a new teacher, the janitor in our building often caught kids in the bathroom playing scrabble of many varieties.  When I was a museum docent during undergrad, I learned to never leave the back gallery unattended during high school field trips for the exact same reason.

My son came home one day from 8th grade and said that a couple people he knew were suspended for playing scrabble and partaking in a certain "medicinal in states we don't live in" herb.  I'm not sure if it makes us bad parents but the first thought my wife and I had was doing that at the same time in a school bathroom involves a degree of multi-tasking and iniative that is impressive if misguided.

This made me laugh    I'm just wondering - why do it at school?  Unless you're super-humanly fast (which I hope not!), you're not going to get all that done in between classes - so you're skipping at least one class to, err, enjoy yourselves anyway.  And since you're skipping class, wouldn't you take the time to try to find somewhere a bit farther from school to do your business?

[cwm]

Museums need to be very careful because you never know what people will try to do.

We had a pair of beautiful and somewhat fragile Chinese chairs on view. People would try sneaking  behind the ropes to have friends photograph them sitting in the things. When the chairs were replaced with a Chinese day bed, young women were forever trying to pose on the thing like a Chinese anatomical doll. 

I once found a woman in heels and a business suit trying to climb a ladder on display in the African galleries. 

In the American galleries we had a wonderful inlaid table from about 1820 on view.  A family of visitors was found starting to set up a picnic lunch on it.

Because they're not heavily visited, the period rooms are always a problem.  An amorous couple was found attempting to play 'Scrabble' in a 17th century bed. 

Heck, a janitor found a pair of museum visitors trying the same thing when he went into a closet for a mop. 

Museum guards probably have reams of stories to tell.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-23588462

Proof to the bolded.

I remember this museum. I kept my hands firmly at my side because I'm a very tactile person and always have the temptation to touch. I have never touched anything unless it's clearly labeled that it's free to touch. This guy? Not so much...

[nutraxfornerves]

I visited London with someone who had never been there before & took him to the British Museum. He was a geologist and became very excited about the ancient statuary--not just the beauty of the statues, but he was fascinated by the marble or other rock used. He kept reaching out to touch them, even though there were "do not touch" signs all over the place. "No touching!" I'd hiss and he'd guiltily say "Oh, yeah." Then, about two statues later, he'd do it again. It wasn't so much snowflakeyness as being so excited, his brain wasn't working right, like a two-year old who cant stop grabbing for the pretty flowers or something.

Eventually, an attendant spotted him and came up. She seemed to be a sort of docent rather than a security guard, but she very sternly told him to either stop it or leave. He sheepishly explained why he was so excited. They chatted about statue carving for a while, then she made his day. She said that she rarely had visitors who would appreciate this, but look at the floor. It was brilliantly shining tiles--complete with real embedded fossil ammonites. The floor was much more beautiful than this, but it's the best picture I can find.


The docent warning must have sunk in. Mr. Geologist took a zillion pictures of the floor, but kept his hands to himself for the rest of the visit, even catching himself a couple of times as he reached out.

Edited to add: oops. I somehow thought this was the Snowflake thread. But it probably would take Harry Potter to cast a spell on an obsessed geologist. Maybe there's an arm version of the Leg Locker Spell.

[Nibsey]

I visited London with someone who had never been there before & took him to the British Museum. He was a geologist and became very excited about the ancient statuary--not just the beauty of the statues, but he was fascinated by the marble or other rock used. He kept reaching out to touch them, even though there were "do not touch" signs all over the place. "No touching!" I'd hiss and he'd guiltily say "Oh, yeah." Then, about two statues later, he'd do it again. It wasn't so much snowflakeyness as being so excited, his brain wasn't working right, like a two-year old who cant stop grabbing for the pretty flowers or something.

<snip>

At least he didn't lick it.  It wouldn't be the first geologist I've seen do that in order to identify a rock. 

[kherbert05]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-23588462

Proof to the bolded.

I remember this museum. I kept my hands firmly at my side because I'm a very tactile person and always have the temptation to touch. I have never touched anything unless it's clearly labeled that it's free to touch. This guy? Not so much...

A good trick - especially when dealing with kids is teach them to frame things instead of pointing. Overlap your thumbs and hold your hands up palm out near your face. Then I get behind the kid look at what they are framing. It is a lot less frustrating than trying to figure out exactly what they are pointing to and guards aren't worried about them reaching out to touch something.

[ladyknight1]

As most of you know, it take a while for a public or private institution to send records to another. We now have an electronic system, but it takes a minimum of 3 business days, since the item goes to a server in another state from the sending institution, then is sent to the receiving institution. I keep getting emails about the process and am asked if I can "speed it up". How?

Then I am sent an email with an embedded image that is supposed proof of the initial record being sent. Only it has someone else's name!

[alkira6]

Museums need to be very careful because you never know what people will try to do.

Because they're not heavily visited, the period rooms are always a problem.  An amorous couple was found attempting to play 'Scrabble' in a 17th century bed. 

Heck, a janitor found a pair of museum visitors trying the same thing when he went into a closet for a mop. 

Museum guards probably have reams of stories to tell. 

   

Janitors of any ilk often have many such stories.  When I was a new teacher, the janitor in our building often caught kids in the bathroom playing scrabble of many varieties.  When I was a museum docent during undergrad, I learned to never leave the back gallery unattended during high school field trips for the exact same reason.

My son came home one day from 8th grade and said that a couple people he knew were suspended for playing scrabble and partaking in a certain "medicinal in states we don't live in" herb.  I'm not sure if it makes us bad parents but the first thought my wife and I had was doing that at the same time in a school bathroom involves a degree of multi-tasking and iniative that is impressive if misguided.

This made me laugh    I'm just wondering - why do it at school?  Unless you're super-humanly fast (which I hope not!), you're not going to get all that done in between classes - so you're skipping at least one class to, err, enjoy yourselves anyway.  And since you're skipping class, wouldn't you take the time to try to find somewhere a bit farther from school to do your business?

You would be surprised at the amount of kids I have caught skipping in the bathroom, smoking and otherwise engaged, because they decided to skip at the last minute and no one would ever think to look in the bathroom for skippers.

[pierrotlunaire0]

Why else would there be such a massive government coverup of the alleged event? 

I work for the state government.  When I hear people refer to a "massive government cover-up" or a multi-agency conspiracy, I laugh.  Bureaucracy is inefficient, uncoordinated, and each agency hoards information since information is power.

I'm not saying government conspiracies don't exist; Just that they are uncommon.  Usually things get swept under the rug out of sheer laziness, not nefarious reasons.

Considering what I have seen in my 15 years in state government, I sincerely doubt that the government conspiracies even exist.  There is too much laziness, guesswork, poor decisions, and general loose lips for me to be anything but the cynical cuss I am today.

Last month, we went on line with a nation wide database that tracks car titles issued in the US.  That way, when someone presents us with a title from another state, we can check and know for certain that the title in front of us is the true title.

Except, the guy last week had a title issued in 2011, but the database said that the most recent title was issued in 2005.  I ended up making several phone calls to this other state, and confirmed that the 2011 record had not been updated, but it was the most recent title.

Only now, other state is sending ME (lil' ol' peon Me) car title information, and telling me to access the national database and make these changes.  Um, no.  Just no.  I am not the contact person for my state, and I do not have the authority to do anything remotely like this.  I only got them to stop by having the head honchos in my state call other state directly and say, "Leave lil' Pierrot alone!  She's a nobody!"

[Slartibartfast]

Considering what I have seen in my 15 years in state government, I sincerely doubt that the government conspiracies even exist.  There is too much laziness, guesswork, poor decisions, and general loose lips for me to be anything but the cynical cuss I am today.

Oh, they definitely do happen - witness the news about the NSA collecting Americans' phone records en masse and how other agencies now want access to that database.  Obviously that particular situation has been going on for a while (no one will say how long), but it sounds like knowledge about it was restricted to the NSA.

Now, I'll definitely grant you that *most* conspiracies that people worry about aren't happening - we didn't fake the moon landing, we're not implanting mind-control drugs in corn flakes, etc.  But I think it's a bit naive to say that no conspiracies exist, given that we have big scandal exposés probably about once a year 

[pierrotlunaire0]

Yeah, that's true, but I just see so much that is contraindicative of true conspiracy planning.  My cynicism makes me roll my eyes so much it is a wonder I can see.

[asb8]

Considering what I have seen in my 15 years in state government, I sincerely doubt that the government conspiracies even exist.  There is too much laziness, guesswork, poor decisions, and general loose lips for me to be anything but the cynical cuss I am today.

Oh, they definitely do happen - witness the news about the NSA collecting Americans' phone records en masse and how other agencies now want access to that database.  Obviously that particular situation has been going on for a while (no one will say how long), but it sounds like knowledge about it was restricted to the NSA.

Now, I'll definitely grant you that *most* conspiracies that people worry about aren't happening - we didn't fake the moon landing, we're not implanting mind-control drugs in corn flakes, etc.  But I think it's a bit naive to say that no conspiracies exist, given that we have big scandal exposés probably about once a year  

To me that is more a demonstration that the government can try to keep a secret but doesn't seem to be very good at it. Especially in this digital, everybody-is-connected internet age.