Along the carrot and apricot vein......
WARNING: This story is GROSS and FUNNY. Put all drinking materials to the side, no food while the flight is in the air, all tray tables in the upright position.
Ready? Here we go.....
We had a customer at the pharmacy who would make huge pots of collard greens and bring them to us at the start of collard season. They were homegrown, they were fabulous and, for those of us who were collard-naive (as in, not raised on them), they are an explosive natural laxative.
And there was only one bathroom in the store.
So we got smart one week that she made them. We were going to take Immodium BEFORE eating the collards.
Oh my lordy, was this the worst idea we ever had.
There is no gas pain on earth like the pain of gas in a slowed-down gut. We were literally writhing in agony by the time the shift ended. Have you ever had to get out of your clothes to save yourself from the bloat only to discover that you SKIN was too tight? Oh yeah.....I was in PAIN. Horrific, deadly AWFUL pain. I was begging to pass a little gas, just a little, just enough to keep from EXPLODING. It was hellish....finally, after about 48 hours of gut busting pain, the Immodium wore off and I was free. After a day I was finally back to normal.
I finally got immune to the collard backfire but I swear I will NEVER use antidiarrheals as a preemptive strike again.
Though it is not right to laugh at your pain, it is fun!
Seriously, I think part of why this is so funny, and to add a corallary to the "don't do that" list, if you are feeding someone a food that they have not yet had, and you know that it has, im...explosive side effects the first few times you eat it, let them know, so they don't eat a bunch before going on a three hour car ride.
Unfortunately, I did this to Hubby.
I had made a HUGE pot of Collard greens, a big ol' batch of beans, and some corn bread.
I was fully prepared to live off of this, milk, and poundcake for the week he would be out of town with the scout troop he worked with.
He asked what I was making, commented that it smelled good, and asked if he could have some.
I dished him up a big ol' plate.
I realized, about half an hour after he left that he had never had Collard before, or he wouldn't have been asking what it was, that he had, at a minimum, a three hour drive ahead of him, and that he would be camping, for a week.
He was less than thrilled when he called me to let me know he finally arrived. My MIL thought it was the funniest thing EVAH!