Author Topic: Uh.. ya, don't do that....  (Read 478158 times)

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LadyClaire

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2325 on: July 27, 2012, 10:53:19 AM »
Deep frying Camembert in a pan on the stove while topless. 
It didn't splatter much at all.  Microscopic, really.  But, it still hurt.

My DH used to be the head of security for a very exclusive country club and community. One day, they get a call that one of the ladies had a fire break out on the stove, while wearing a nylon peignoir set. It melted to her skin.

I only cook in natural fibers ever since he told me that story.

I use a torch a lot in jewelry making, for soldering. I always wear close-toed leather shoes and natural fiber clothing when I'm working with the torch, since I don't want to end up like that lady.

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2326 on: July 27, 2012, 11:05:30 AM »
If you're tying to make a pasta salad from a box (for whatever reason... don't judge me!), please don't add the seasoning package into the water with the pasta.  While it *will* turn the water a lovely shade of brown, you'll need to use the seasoning packet from another box to actually make the salad taste like anything other than pasta drowned in mayo.
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vorbau

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2327 on: July 27, 2012, 11:29:26 AM »
Dear would-be spouse murderers:

1. If you're staging a scene to look like a suicide or accidental death, an expensive cigar is NOT an artistic touch if your spouse has never smoked and is in fact allergic to tobacco.

2. If you plan to make it look like suicide by gunshot to head, you really should know your spouse's dominant hand. Especially if your now-defunct spouse is, in fact, in a line of work requiring the carrying of a weapon and is known to be proficient on the range with that dominant hand.

Respectfully submitted, with extra eyerolls,

Vorbau
Let's roll. (And you can't scare me; I've had teenagers.)

EmmaJ.

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2328 on: July 27, 2012, 12:13:40 PM »
Dear would-be spouse murderers:

1. If you're staging a scene to look like a suicide or accidental death, an expensive cigar is NOT an artistic touch if your spouse has never smoked and is in fact allergic to tobacco.

2. If you plan to make it look like suicide by gunshot to head, you really should know your spouse's dominant hand. Especially if your now-defunct spouse is, in fact, in a line of work requiring the carrying of a weapon and is known to be proficient on the range with that dominant hand.

Respectfully submitted, with extra eyerolls,

Vorbau
Oh my - what fascinating stories those must be.  If you're allowed to share more, please do!

Mental Magpie

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2329 on: July 27, 2012, 12:57:44 PM »
If you're tying to make a pasta salad from a box (for whatever reason... don't judge me!), please don't add the seasoning package into the water with the pasta.  While it *will* turn the water a lovely shade of brown, you'll need to use the seasoning packet from another box to actually make the salad taste like anything other than pasta drowned in mayo.

Dark Boyfriend and I have each done that!  He did it, didn't tell me, then I made the same mistake a week later.  Only then did he 'fess up to making the same mistake.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2330 on: July 27, 2012, 01:31:07 PM »
Dear would-be spouse murderers:

1. If you're staging a scene to look like a suicide or accidental death, an expensive cigar is NOT an artistic touch if your spouse has never smoked and is in fact allergic to tobacco.

2. If you plan to make it look like suicide by gunshot to head, you really should know your spouse's dominant hand. Especially if your now-defunct spouse is, in fact, in a line of work requiring the carrying of a weapon and is known to be proficient on the range with that dominant hand.

Respectfully submitted, with extra eyerolls,

Vorbau
Oh my - what fascinating stories those must be.  If you're allowed to share more, please do!

Oh yes.  This is a delicious story, I can just feel it.
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Sophia

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2331 on: July 27, 2012, 01:53:40 PM »
If you're tying to make a pasta salad from a box (for whatever reason... don't judge me!), please don't add the seasoning package into the water with the pasta.  While it *will* turn the water a lovely shade of brown, you'll need to use the seasoning packet from another box to actually make the salad taste like anything other than pasta drowned in mayo.

Dark Boyfriend and I have each done that!  He did it, didn't tell me, then I made the same mistake a week later.  Only then did he 'fess up to making the same mistake.

Doesn't worked real well on Blue Box Mac and Cheese either. 
Boiling off the excess water results in inedible pasta paste. 
Sidenote: You can buy 1 lb. bags of the cheese sauce powder at Amazon.

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2332 on: July 27, 2012, 02:49:58 PM »
If you're tying to make a pasta salad from a box (for whatever reason... don't judge me!), please don't add the seasoning package into the water with the pasta.  While it *will* turn the water a lovely shade of brown, you'll need to use the seasoning packet from another box to actually make the salad taste like anything other than pasta drowned in mayo.

Dark Boyfriend and I have each done that!  He did it, didn't tell me, then I made the same mistake a week later.  Only then did he 'fess up to making the same mistake.

Doesn't worked real well on Blue Box Mac and Cheese either. 
Boiling off the excess water results in inedible pasta paste. 
Sidenote: You can buy 1 lb. bags of the cheese sauce powder at Amazon.

::Runs to check::

Hmm... $12.83... now let's see, I can get boxes of store brand for $0.40 (I prefer that to Kraft, honestly), which means $12.83 would buy me 32 boxes.  The question is, would I be using more than half an ounce of this stuff.... y'know, I'm going to stop right there, I probably would.  But still, that is *awesome*.
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Sophia

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2333 on: July 27, 2012, 02:57:02 PM »
...::Runs to check::

Hmm... $12.83... now let's see, I can get boxes of store brand for $0.40 (I prefer that to Kraft, honestly), which means $12.83 would buy me 32 boxes.  The question is, would I be using more than half an ounce of this stuff.... y'know, I'm going to stop right there, I probably would.  But still, that is *awesome*.
Bowtie pasta.  ...Just saying
It wasn't that long ago that the sale price of craft was $0.10.  Now around here it is $0.70 to $0.80. 
My husband puts the powder on his popcorn. 

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2334 on: July 27, 2012, 03:42:01 PM »
...::Runs to check::

Hmm... $12.83... now let's see, I can get boxes of store brand for $0.40 (I prefer that to Kraft, honestly), which means $12.83 would buy me 32 boxes.  The question is, would I be using more than half an ounce of this stuff.... y'know, I'm going to stop right there, I probably would.  But still, that is *awesome*.
Bowtie pasta.  ...Just saying
It wasn't that long ago that the sale price of craft was $0.10.  Now around here it is $0.70 to $0.80. 
My husband puts the powder on his popcorn.

If I throw away the pasta, it's still 32 packets for the same amount.  :)
Location:
Philadelphia, PA

vorbau

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2335 on: July 28, 2012, 09:35:52 AM »
Dear would-be spouse murderers:

1. If you're staging a scene to look like a suicide or accidental death, an expensive cigar is NOT an artistic touch if your spouse has never smoked and is in fact allergic to tobacco.

2. If you plan to make it look like suicide by gunshot to head, you really should know your spouse's dominant hand. Especially if your now-defunct spouse is, in fact, in a line of work requiring the carrying of a weapon and is known to be proficient on the range with that dominant hand.

Respectfully submitted, with extra eyerolls,

Vorbau
Oh my - what fascinating stories those must be.  If you're allowed to share more, please do!

Oh yes.  This is a delicious story, I can just feel it.

Well, several, actually. Some professional colleagues and I are putting together an after-hours presentation for an upcoming professional conference - the after-hours ones are where we exercise our black humor, juvenile antics, awful puns and you-won't-believe-this-no-really photos, appropriately anonymized.

Ours is titled "How Not to Murder Your Spouse" and is based upon a number of real-life cases we have investigated. (Some day I would like to make this an e-book, available for download only to those I have personally vetted - no point in helping the opposition.) Thus, the one with the tobacco is based upon a true-life case in which the wife decided to unload her inconvenient husband using a surgical anesthetic (supposedly undetectable) to make it look as though he had expired from natural causes during an, um, supreme mome)nnt of triple-points scrabble ecstasy, complete with tastefully arranged magazines and a partially-smoked vintage cigar.

Except ... the victim had never been known to look at pictured of nekkid people, had never smoked any substance in his life, and was highly allergic to tobacco. Besides which the clerk in the fancy tobacco store remembered selling the cigars to the wife, and the drug she used is no longer undetectable...

As for the gunshot cases, the first two proceed something like this (play along with me here, it makes more sense and it's a lot more fun):

Turn your dominant hand into a pistol - you know, point your index finger, stick your thumb up for the hammer, and curl the remaining fingers into the butt/magazine. Now put your "gun barrel" in contact with your head as though you were going to shoot yourself (most people choose the temple, although the area immediately above the ear is actually more efficient). Now move the end of the "gun barrel" away from your head as far as you can without actually dislocating your shoulder.

Now, using the same hand, put your "gun" in position to shoot yourself in the same place, but on the OPPOSITE side of your head. Uh-huh.

In the first case, the husband was a law enforcement officer, right-hand dominant, who'd won shooting prizes for his proficiency with both revolver and automatic. So when he was found dead in his bed from a gunshot wound to the left side of his head, with the pistol lying by his left hand, both loose on the pillow, eyebrows went up. Once the bullet track was determined, the ME stated the gun had been at least 8" away from the head, and his hands tested negative for GSR ... the BS meter soared into the red zone.

In the second case, the husband was a law enforcement officer and the wife was a corrections officer. The scene was meant to look as though the wife had gone to bed and, in despair after a recent argument, shot herself in the head with her service weapon. However ... livor indicated she had been dead some time, not minutes as the husband had said in the 911 call, there was no GSR on either hand, and the wound was a direct contact to the right parietal region. And she was exclusively left-handed; once, when she'd sprained three fingers on her left hand and tried to sign the work log with her right, she joked that her right hand always behaved like it belonged to somebody else. First prize in the category of "You Should Have Known Better" goes to ...

And the third case is one of my cold cases. The husband claimed he found his wife dead, an apparent suicide, from a gunshot wound to the chest. He knew she was depressed but didn't know she had a gun, didn't know where she'd got it, blah blah blah fishcakes. The fact that he was having multiple affairs and could be proven to have forged her signature on the credit card receipt for the gun purchase, well, those things had just slipped his mind in the trauma and anguish of the event.

It took us 25 years to prove him for the cheap rug liar he is. The wife was a tiny little thing with very little upper body strength, right-hand dominant. The weapon was an enormous .45 Dirty Harry type thing, with an extremely heavy double-action trigger (I couldn't fire the thing using both hands, and I am considered an extremely strong shooter for my size and gender). The fatal wound was in her left upper chest (if you picture her left breast as a clock, with you looking straight at it, the wound was about at 3 o'clock). The weapon was lying on the floor next to the right side of the bed, and her right arm was trailing over the edge of the bed, so that it was supposed to look like she'd fired and then her hand and arm were pulled down by gravity.

When we re-opened the case, we noted: there were NO prints on the gun. There was no GSR on her hands. The bullet had been fired at least 12" away from her chest. Perform the above exercise again: Make your right hand into a gun. Point it straight at the 3 o'clock point on your left breast, not deviating up, down, left or right - it was a straight through-and-through. Now move your hand back so that the muzzle is at least 12" away from that point. Don't dislocate your elbow in the process.

He (and, in fairness, the original investigators) overlooked one other very important fact - a partial print on one of the rounds remaining in the magazine ...

I'll be happy to post other pro tips here, if y'all want, as we proceed with assembling the presentation.

Let's roll. (And you can't scare me; I've had teenagers.)

Morticia

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2336 on: July 28, 2012, 09:44:16 AM »
Vorbau, I would kill to read your book.  ;) Have you thought about doing a general consumption version for people such as we who enjoy your postings so much?

Edited because I hadn't had enough coffee.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2012, 11:56:43 AM by Morticia »
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EmmaJ.

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2337 on: July 28, 2012, 11:06:52 AM »
Thanks for the fascinating read Vorbau! 

Elfmama

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2338 on: July 28, 2012, 11:35:23 AM »
There is a series of books intended for writers on just such things, Vorbau.  If I need to murder someone in a book, I look for one of those.  (Mushrooms.  Nasty things, not immediately deadly in the right dose, but destroys the liver and/or kidneys.  Not treatable in my medievaloid setting.)  Your book, if you should write one, would have a significant audience!
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Thipu1

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Re: Uh.. ya, don't do that....
« Reply #2339 on: July 28, 2012, 12:17:50 PM »
There is a series of books intended for writers on just such things, Vorbau.  If I need to murder someone in a book, I look for one of those.  (Mushrooms.  Nasty things, not immediately deadly in the right dose, but destroys the liver and/or kidneys.  Not treatable in my medievaloid setting.)  Your book, if you should write one, would have a significant audience!

I believe the series is the 'How Done It' series.  We used them when we were writing interactive murder mysteries in the 1980s and they were very useful.  'Deadly Doses' is the name of the book on poisons.