Classic Faux Pas: Bridesmaids Drafted To Write Thank You Notes !!!!!!!!!!!

[Asharah]

A good friend of mine was married recently, and I was one of five bridesmaids. Before she left for her honeymoon, the bride told us that she would like to take us all out for dinner to thank us for our support and friendship over the years.

She had booked a private room at a nice restaurant. When we sat down, the bride passed each of us a box. Each contained a fountain pen, a stack of blank cards, and a list of 70 guests, their addresses, and the gifts they had given the bride. Before we could eat, she wanted us to write her thank-you notes for her.

I thought for a moment, then said that perhaps the guests would be happier with a simple personal message from her, even if it were just something along the lines of, "Dear ___, Thank you so much for the ____. It means a lot to us that you thought of us. Love, Bride and Groom." She reassured us that she was personally writing the notes for those guests who would recognize her handwriting!

I think that all the bridesmaids were stunned, but nobody wanted to make a scene. We wrote, addressed, stamped, and sealed in grim silence for almost two hours before we could order dinner. As far as I know, none of us has spent much time with her since then.

FauxPasoftheYear0426-05

One thing that has begun to annoy readers of this web site is how frequently people display their complete lack of a backbone which results in them being used abominably by the ever increasingly dark side of manners.  Let's get one thing straight - the "scene" was already created/made by the bride and a reaction to her outrageous presumption would not be "making a scene" unless you flung the fountain pen across the room to embed it into a painting of the Marquis De Sade or flipped the box of notes in the air creating a stationery snowfall. 

No, it is quite possible to decline this lovely honor without making an idiot of yourself.  Here is one scenario of how it could be done:

Bridesmaid:  sits blinking at the contents of the box then gently pushes it away from her place setting saying with a sweet smile, "Thank you but I think I will decline the honor of writing these."

Bride:  "Why not?  Aren't you going to help me?"

Bridemaid:  "It is neither my duty nor obligation to express your personal thoughts of gratitude for the gifts your guests gave you."  Still smiling sweetly....

Bride:  "But there are so many! How am I supposed to do all these myself?"

Bridesmaid:  "One at a time is the usual method."    Bridesmaid then makes a mental note in her head to never host any type of shower for this person again and seriously considers never buying her a gift again.  After all, it would be very unkind to burden the bride with such an onerous duty to write her thank you notes.

[Reika]

I agree, the mind boggles at what some people manage to pull off because their "victims" just go along with it. Truthfully if I'd been in that situation my response probably would've earned me a place in Ehell.

[retreadbride]

Sorry, I just had my nails done.

[twinkletoes]

Asharah, I agree that just saying "no" does not equate to making a scene.  It is quite possible to gently push the box away, stand up, and say "sorry, I'm not doing this."

But I can see where these sort of things happen - people don't want to say no (eg, "How can I say no to my best friend of 10 years?"), or they're afraid they'll be seen as a "mean" person.  And sometimes, the rudeness is just so incredibly shocking, that people just go along with it because they're literally stunned over the whole thing.  On this forum, it's so common for someone to say "I wish I had been thinking - I would have told (rude person) to get bent."  Yes, people need to grow a spine (spines?), but I can also see where they just go along with the rudeness.

[Daquiri40]

I agree.  Sometimes your spine is stunned into silence.  It is more difficult to say NO when the rest of the bridesmaids said yes. 

I love this post though.  It always makes me chuckle.  The bride had some nerve and you can bet she saw absolutely nothing wrong with what she was asking.

[Pixie]

"Hand over the gifts, then I'll write the Thank-Yous."   

I do NOT thank people for gifts not given to me.

No, I am not sorry for that.

     


.

[Evil Duckie]

I know that if this happened to me I would have either been sent to ehell for my response or stunned into silence by her gall.

This makes you wonder what other jobs she had for her slaves bridesmaids. 

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

And sometimes, the rudeness is just so incredibly shocking, that people just go along with it because they're literally stunned over the whole thing.  On this forum, it's so common for someone to say "I wish I had been thinking - I would have told (rude person) to get bent."  Yes, people need to grow a spine (spines?), but I can also see where they just go along with the rudeness.

That often happens to me - I'm just so stunned that my brain shorts out and I can't form the Assertive, e-h3ll-worthy response. Usually I just cave because my brain is still going, "Wha...?"

Usually, if given time to think before formulating a response to something ridiculous and not sandbagged, I will have time to forumlate my own negative response in such a way that it's not rude or whatever... but not the teachers at my school. They are a freaking Milgram Experiment. I have never seen a bunch of people cave to "authority" like that in my life. They will cave right away because they don't want to be seen as standing out or disagreeing. "We're going to a spa for our staff function! It will cost $$$ but it's lovely." I'm the only one who says, "I think that's a waste of money. Why not save the money for decorating the staffroom/buying some decent bathroom fixtures/whatever and just go out to a nice restaurant?" The rest of them? "Okay." ARGH!

It really chaps my hide because then I look like the dissenter - meanwhile, they will all complain about it behind the boss's back, but will smile and agree to her face. Even a close colleague does this. The last day of the term we were talking about going to the stupid spa *again* this year (I didn't like it; I got a terrible headache after the back massage) and she said, "I'd rather they gave me the 500 bucks and just took us out for lunch." (She's a single parent with a deadbeat arsehole for an ex-husband, so to waste 500 bucks on something "frivolous" is hard for her.)

Anyway, just then the organiser came past and said, "Sell lots of stuff at your stall so we can go for the whole day this time!" I said, "I don't really want to go there again; I didn't enjoy it much." She said, "But if we go for the whole day we can get a HEAD massage! And a facial scrub!" I said, "I don't want a head massage, and no one is touching my face." So she turns to my colleague and says, "But you enjoyed it, didn't you?" (Remember, this woman was JUST complaining about not wanting to go!) And my colleague says, "Yes, I enjoyed myself." I was ready to STRANGLE her!

Sorry, this turned into a rant. Oh well, it felt good to get it off my chest.

[Bob Ducca]

What I especially love about this story is how the bride tells the bridesmaids they can eat after they are done with the thank-you notes.  I have to wonder if she had the foresight to book the private room for four hours, knowing she was asking each 'maid to write 70 notes.

Clearly, the bride knew she was being a manipulative witch, or else she would have asked them straight out, not attempted to use hospitality to hold them hostage.

[Sibby]

Honestly the very first thing I wouuld have asked was "where is hte groom and his groomsmen?"  Of course I think the whole situation is obnoxious, but I think my first reaction would be hte feminist in me...

it is sometimes hard to say "no" when faced with a group situation like that, and honestly evenif saying "no" isn't "causing a scene" technically, in reality it is seen that way.

I was involved in a wedding as a bridesmaid.  The MOH announced via email to the WP and the MOB that guests would be addressing their own thank you envelopes the shower.  I replied all stating that I felt this was rude beyond compariosn an very tacky and I thought the bride would be mortified and the guests would be insulted.  I was not rude in my email, just matter of fact.  I was 'punished' by the WP (among other things not only was I not sent an invite to the shower, but when I asked for the verbiage of the invite to be emailed to me (people were asking me questions) I was refused repeatedly and in a very, very nasty manner) and I was called a troublemaker, etc.  so even if officially it's not rude to say no, othen if is received that way and the person who says no feels the reprecussions, not the asker.

[Asharah]

Asharah, I agree that just saying "no" does not equate to making a scene.  It is quite possible to gently push the box away, stand up, and say "sorry, I'm not doing this."

Just to clarify, the comment attached to the post is from the website, not me. However I do agree with it. I think they should have just politely refused and left. And I liked the part about not ever giving her another gift so she wouldn't be burdened with writing a thank you note. 

[twinkletoes]

"it is sometimes hard to say "no" when faced with a group situation like that, and honestly evenif saying "no" isn't "causing a scene" technically, in reality it is seen that way."

Agreed.  And there are people who are twisted enough who would whisper and say "can you believe (letter-writer)?  She told (Bride) that she wouldn't write thank you notes for her!  And all right before (bride) was going to treat us to a nice dinner!  How ungrateful can you be?"

[kingsrings]

It seems that in today's society, we are encouraged to just take things as they are and to let people walk all over us. Standing up for oneself is looked at as a no-no. Don't cause trouble, don't make waves. Just do it, and let it go. That is why situations like the one in this thread happen.

[megswsu]

I wonder if the bride made her BMs greet all her guests too? Afterall, all that walking around in one's gown can really tire you out!! 

[snowball's chance]

Yes, these BMs ARE held hostage -- no food til you're done w/ my homework, basically.  You might have to give in . . . what if everyone else at the table is totally willing to do it?  Is it ok to be only one refusing?  What if you drove w/ someone else, and don't have $$$ for a cab, and there's no bus . . .