How do you tell someone they STINK!!

[Suze]

Here it is my first question to the board

I belong to the Society for Creative Anachronism, we have monthly business meetings at our library.  We have a fairly new member that for the last few months has come to the meeting STINKING with body Oder.

This is the kind of stink that is so strong that you can taste it.  (I wish it were the perfume issue from another post, I could deal with that.)

I am afraid that when a potential new member comes in that they will hit the "wall-o-stink"  and decide that we are uncouth, and never show up again.

WE NEED to tell him about this --- but how --- any ideas?

Suze

PS - if this isn't the right spot, please move it to the correct one.

[Ferrets]

Jane Goldman's British etiquette book aimed at teenagers, 'For Weddings, A Funeral, and When You Can't Flush the Loo' (which I highly recommend!) includes this very question.

Her advice is to take the person aside (one person only, not the whole lot of you!  ) under the pretext of a casual private discussion, and say quietly to them:

"This is very hard for me to say*, and I don't think anyone else has noticed**...but I think that, once or twice, you may have forgotten to put your deodorant on in the mornings.  I thought I should tell you, as I'd want to know if I'd forgotten to do that." 

*Even if this is a lie.
**Even if this is, too.

This should minimise embarrassment as much as possible (and at least credits them with the awareness to actually use deodorant too!).

However, when I used to do Viking re-enactment (I just do ECW now), there was a guy in our group who we all dreaded going up against to fight with for that very same reason.  When it was tactfully (and then not-so-tactfully) pointed out to him, his calm, unbothered reply was..."Oh, that's because I don't shower or wash."  Eww...  ("Look, we really don't expect you to take the pursuit of authenticity quite so far in your daily life, you know...")  

Good luck with yours!

[CoryanderX]

Wow. If someone has it pointed out to them and is blatant and unbothered that they don't care about being clean, I don't see the problem with being equally blatant in return: "Well, because you don't bathe, you smell pretty strongly and nobody wants to be near you." I mean, what do they expect?

I went to visit some friends who lived in a little house at college with two other roommates, and happened to ask them if there was a second bathroom since I'd noticed only two sets of soap, shampoo, etc. in the shower (which I presumed belonged to my two friends). They said one of their roommates kept his stuff on a shelf, and the other one didn't keep stuff in there because he only showered, like, once a week. Some people just don't bathe, and while I can't understand not wanting to go to the trouble to not be physically repellent in close quarters, if you are going to explicitly make that decision you can't be offended at the logical consequences.

As for the original poster's question, though, when there's no evidence that he's aware of his odor, I think the solution WolfieSara posted is pretty good.

[SunkissableOne]

I agree with the first post.  I think that's a great way to go about it, but maybe have another guy talk to him.  It may make him feel uncomfortable if he is approached by a female.  If he has some close friends in the group maybe they could do it.

[Fabrashamx]

UGH! I know a guy who comes into an online trivia room I work for, and He was telling me about the trailer he lived in.

It is a small trailer, meant to be pulled behind a car and quite small and old. A tree fell on it several years ago and he lost power in half of it, unfortunatly the half included his refridgerator. I asked him if he was able to salvage the food, and he said he hadnt opened it in 3 months because of the smell. (sorry this is gross I know).

Then he told me he had seen a POSSUM in his house.and it was using his shower stall for a restroom. I asked why he didnt shoo it out, and he said his house was soooo messy, doors wouldnt open or close anymore, and there were large piles of trash that the possum was hiding in.

 I tried to help this man. I suggested I could loan him the money to rent a dumpster and maybe hire someone to repair his electricity. He said he wouldnt call anyone out because he was afraid they would turn him in to the health department.

 I sent him articles about squalor, depression, and overcoming situations similar to his.
He was unconcerned, and laughed at me for trying to help. The possum was in his small trailor for at least 6 months before he found it dead one day.

It came to a head when his aunt came to visit (she owned the land and the trailer) and saw how he was living. She threw him out and had the trailer removed and destroyed.

A lot of us tried to support Paul in his new home, and encouraged him to get some help so it wouldnt degenerate into a similar situation. About 6 months later he told me he was changing his sheets for the first time since the move and oh haha, guess what you guys, my sheets had grown onto the mattress with a kind of mold.

We gave up! He seems perfectly happy living in sqaulor. I would imagine his personal hygene is non existent and he smells as bad as your guy if not worse.

By the way, I had to laugh when I read the viking post, My stinky guy belongs to a medieval group that has faires where everyone is in costume. I'm certain his odor and table manners are very realistic. Bottom line? You cant help people who dont want help. Try once, then be blunt or move on, Its all you can do.

Stink-Free Hugs, Fabby 

[Bob Ducca]

I agree with the first post.  I think that's a great way to go about it, but maybe have another guy talk to him.  It may make him feel uncomfortable if he is approached by a female.  If he has some close friends in the group maybe they could do it.

Men have a certain way of dealing with things like this that women can't seem to master.

Man 1: Dude, you stink.  What is up with that?

Man 2: No, really?  I guess I need to use a different deoderant.

Man 1: Well, do something, because that stink is [insert manly adjective here].

Man 2: You know it!  {exchange hi-5's}

--OR--

Man 1: Dude, you stink.  What is up with that?

Man 2: Yeah, I don't like to shower.

Man 1: Well, stand over there, then, downwind of me! {exchange hi-5's}

At least, that's how it looks to me!!   

[Sophia]

Men have a certain way of dealing with things like this that women can't seem to master.

What makes that so funny is that it is true! 

[Fabrashamx]

LOL!

 Once my husband was talking to his boss in the parking lot after work.

In the middle of a sentence. A fly zooms into boss's mouth and he begins to choke on it.

My witty hubby says, 'Jeeze, Dennis, maybe if you brushed your teeth once in a while that wouldnt happen'

He's telling me this, and I'm thinking oh no oh no he's fired for sure!

Nope. The boss laughed so hard he had to lean on his car for support.

men, who can figure them out?? LOL

~Fabby 

[Cyndi]

Well I know one way NOT to tell someone that.

Little story: My mom smokes like a chimney. When I was going to school she'd smoke one or two in the car and I'd marinate in the smell. People used to move away from me all the time and I didn't know why because I was numb to the smell. Finally my CHOIR TEACHER pulled me up in front of the whole class and demanded to know how many cigarettes I smoked in the bathroom. I gave her the most blank, bubbleheaded look and said I've never smoked in my life. She said I smell like an ashtray. I started to cry and said my mom smokes.

After that she treated me like a lesser being and that wasn't the first time she humiliated me in front of peers who already bullied me horribly.


It took until I joined my church choir to get my mom to NOT smoke in the car when she's taking me places. Why? The sopranos around me would come up to me when I was alone and kindly let me know that I smell like smoke, and I'd see them fanning their noses. It was so embarrassing that I told my mom if she was smoking, I wasn't getting in the car. So now she won't smoke in the car if I ask her not to. It's a small victory...I wish I could make her quit smoking altogether, but she doesn't have the willpower. It's her biggest vice. -.-;


But yeah, don't tell Mr. Stinky that he stinks in front of people. Maybe if you set it up so different members of your group catch him while he's alone and mention it, he'll realize it's not just one person who notices the smell.

[Clara Bow]

Oh thanks be to God for this thread...I have wondered for years how to tell a stinker that hygeine was in order...
I'm in college so I've been blissfully away from the fascinating odors that working with the public afforded me, but every now and then someone will come strolling by with a body odor that I swear will peel paint. There's one girl in particular (I don't know her) who has literally made me gag she smells so severe.
Incidentally, a smelly man is bad. A smelly woman?? That's just unholy....

[beakiebean]

Lol-well now you know-just have one of the guys tell him. They can high five themselves all the way to the deoderant aisle. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

LOL!

 Once my husband was talking to his boss in the parking lot after work.

In the middle of a sentence. A fly zooms into boss's mouth and he begins to choke on it.

My witty hubby says, 'Jeeze, Dennis, maybe if you brushed your teeth once in a while that wouldnt happen'

He's telling me this, and I'm thinking oh no oh no he's fired for sure!

Nope. The boss laughed so hard he had to lean on his car for support.

men, who can figure them out?? LOL

~Fabby 

ok, now you have to explain to my dead silent office why I am cracking up, red-in-the-face laughing over here!

[Cyndi]

Just remember that once upon a time, back when humans were still cavemen, we probably found BO attractive

I remember my high school BF(who moved a long time ago) once caught me on a day when I wasn't my most fresh and he thought my smell was attractive! I did check myself once on a sweaty day and I smell like....are you ready?......SALSA!



...I guess one person's funk is another person's perfume.

[Gwywnnydd]

Here it is my first question to the board

I belong to the Society for Creative Anachronism, we have monthly business meetings at our library.  We have a fairly new member that for the last few months has come to the meeting STINKING with body Oder.

<snip>
WE NEED to tell him about this --- but how --- any ideas?

I agree with the other posters, have *one* man take him aside and tell him he needs to bathe before coming to the meetings.

We have a similar problem with one of the women in our Barony, but it's complicated by the fact that it's a distinctly, um, *feminine* smell. I'm really unsure how to deal with this one . I just try to hold my breath around her, and hope we're outside :}.


(My DH has an idea, but I've told him if he tries it he will be permanently in the doghouse.)

[fklwmn]

UGH! I know a guy who comes into an online trivia room I work for, and He was telling me about the trailer he lived in.

It is a small trailer, meant to be pulled behind a car and quite small and old. A tree fell on it several years ago and he lost power in half of it, unfortunatly the half included his refridgerator. I asked him if he was able to salvage the food, and he said he hadnt opened it in 3 months because of the smell. (sorry this is gross I know).

Then he told me he had seen a POSSUM in his house.and it was using his shower stall for a restroom. I asked why he didnt shoo it out, and he said his house was soooo messy, doors wouldnt open or close anymore, and there were large piles of trash that the possum was hiding in.

 I tried to help this man. I suggested I could loan him the money to rent a dumpster and maybe hire someone to repair his electricity. He said he wouldnt call anyone out because he was afraid they would turn him in to the health department.

 I sent him articles about squalor, depression, and overcoming situations similar to his.
He was unconcerned, and laughed at me for trying to help. The possum was in his small trailor for at least 6 months before he found it dead one day.

It came to a head when his aunt came to visit (she owned the land and the trailer) and saw how he was living. She threw him out and had the trailer removed and destroyed.

A lot of us tried to support Paul in his new home, and encouraged him to get some help so it wouldnt degenerate into a similar situation. About 6 months later he told me he was changing his sheets for the first time since the move and oh haha, guess what you guys, my sheets had grown onto the mattress with a kind of mold.

We gave up! He seems perfectly happy living in sqaulor. I would imagine his personal hygene is non existent and he smells as bad as your guy if not worse.

By the way, I had to laugh when I read the viking post, My stinky guy belongs to a medieval group that has faires where everyone is in costume. I'm certain his odor and table manners are very realistic. Bottom line? You cant help people who dont want help. Try once, then be blunt or move on, Its all you can do.

Stink-Free Hugs, Fabby 

Okay, but there is SO MUCH MORE wrong with his bed than just not having changed the sheets in 6 months if they were growing to the mattress with mold. gross.