Exchanging Gifts

[daisydaisy]

I will try to make a long story short, but I will apologize in advance for likely failing...

8 years ago, I moved from the city I grew up in to another city about 5 hours away.  My friends and family all lived in the city I moved from so I pretty much didn't know anyone in new city except for my fiance, now my husband.

After a few years my best friend, her husband and 3 kids moved to new city as well.  Now that whole relationship is a question in itself but I'll save that one for another day.

Anyhow a few years ago, I introduced a friend I had made in new city to a friend of best friend in old city.  They hit it off and ended up getting married a couple of years ago.  About a year ago they had a baby. 

So here's the question - for the past few years we have had a tradition of all 3 families getting together having a festive dinner and exchanging gifts.  Everybody bought for everybody.  This year other friend's husband sent out an e-mail saying let's only buy gifts for the kids this year.  I'm feeling kind of put out and annoyed.  And I should mention that we don't have any kids.  Am I being childish?  I mean there are lot's of people out there who think Christmas is only for the children but dangit, I like presents too.  And these are the friends that I would get nice stuff from too that I would actually like.

So what does one say when one person makes a unilateral decision like that?  I said "fine" because I couldn't think of any polite way to say that I didn't think it was fair.

Suggestions?

[fluffy]

Can you suggest that everyone draw a secret santa and then buy a small gift for them? Or, perhaps, you can do a White Elephant/Yankee Swap type gift exchange.

That way you would still get the fun of opening a present, but your friends wouldn't have the pressure of buying for all of the elephants.

[Chocolate Cake]

I think you have to speak up.   Clearly, the person who suggested this idea didn't think it through at all considering that you don't have children.

It is very fair for you to say, "In retrospect, I don't think the idea of only buying for the children is going to work out since we don't have children.   We would be buying for X (number) of children but not receiving anything in return.  However, I understand that maybe buying for everyone is getting too expensive."   Then you could suggest a Dirty Santa or a Secret Santa amongst the adults and whomever also wishes to buy for the children could do so on their own.

[JudiAU]

I can understand why you would be miffed about not receiving a present but I don't think that you can point that out in a polite way. Saying "I don't want to buy for your kids unless you buy for me" comes across pretty poorly. I don't think "buying for the kids only" was directed at you-- probably little thought went into it and many people would be happy with the change.

I think the only polite way is to respond that that you really appreciated that he brought it up, that Christmas has become so commercial, and that are trying to rethink your gift giving. You would prefer to no longer participate in a gift exchange but of course, don't care if others do."

[LissaR1]

How about, "I agree that it does get expensive to buy for everyone, but why should the kids get all the fun?  Let's do a Pollyanna/Yankee/Secret Santa for the adults as well."  That way you're including all the adults in the present exchange and it sounds more tactful.

[veryfluffy]

I think it's extremely inconsiderate of your friends to make a suggestion like this. Actually, I get very offended by the whole "let's only buy for the kids" spiel. It would be fine if they said, "don't bother with us, since there are FIVE of us altogether, so if you want to get something for just the kids we will enjoy that too," and then they gave YOU a present because they are your friends. Or just give FAMILY presents. But it's just incredibly selfish for them to expect gifts for their kids with nothing for you in return at all.

[ZipTheWonder]

OP, why don't you suggest that the get-together is sufficient for Christmas and that gifting be stopped altogether?  Would that be acceptable for you because it seems like the most fair solution -- all or none.

You and your husband would then have a few extra dollars to spend amongst yourselves. 

[sammycat]

It was rather rude of the friend to suddenly announce that there would be no more presents for the adults, rather than asking for opinions on it first.  Do you know what any of the other friends think?  I agree with the others that introducing a Secret Santa type thing would be a good compromise.

For what it's worth, my husband's sister is not married nor does she have kids, but I always make sure she receives presents from each of our children at Christmas as she always buys for them.  How boring it would be for her to sit there and watch everyone else opening presents while she doesn't.  She lives with her mother so we either give them a joint gift from us as well or separate gifts, but either way, she has something to open!

[blarg314]

There is nothing wrong with suggesting scaling back the gift giving - your friends may be finding that, with small children at home and possibly expanding family gift commitments that they are over extended financially on the holidays.

However, it would be better to either stop the gift exchange completely, do a drawing where each person gets a gift for one other person, or go for family gifts where the gift is addressed to each family unit.  Just giving to the kids would be  sensible if you all had kids, but is unbalanced when you are being asked to purchase gifts for their children while you don't get anything.

[Linda1967]

It was rather rude of the friend to suddenly announce that there would be no more presents for the adults, rather than asking for opinions on it first.  Do you know what any of the other friends think?  I agree with the others that introducing a Secret Santa type thing would be a good compromise.

For what it's worth, my husband's sister is not married nor does she have kids, but I always make sure she receives presents from each of our children at Christmas as she always buys for them.  How boring it would be for her to sit there and watch everyone else opening presents while she doesn't.  She lives with her mother so we either give them a joint gift from us as well or separate gifts, but either way, she has something to open!

My DH and I are in a similiar situation as your husband's sister - we're the only couple among our siblings who does not have children.

For several years, my two sisters, their husbands and DH and me drew names to see who was buying for who so we could cut down on the amount of gifts. Last year, my sisters suggested buying gifts only for each other's children - my older sister has a 25-year-old daughter and a 15-year-old son, and my younger sister has 7-year-old twins, a 4-year-old daughter and a five-month old son. My older sister then told me, "But we'll still buy for you and DH." I told her that was fine, but she didn't have to, since DH and I would still have gifts to unwrap from my parents at the family gathering. I also pointed out that DH and I wouldn't be buying more gifts than she and my other sister would be buying, since my sisters still had to buy gifts for their own children. 

As it turned out, however, my sisters did give DH and me small gifts in exchange for us giving their children gifts, and my oldest niece and her new husband also buy gifts for DH and me.   

DH's brother and his wife, however, have given us no gifts, even though we send them and their 2-year-old son gifts every year. Next year, they'll have another child, so we'll have to buy them another gift. I know that it's more blessed to give than it is to receive at Christmas, but I just wish DH's and his wife remembered us.

 

[graceh9]

I will try to make a long story short, but I will apologize in advance for likely failing...

8 years ago, I moved from the city I grew up in to another city about 5 hours away.  My friends and family all lived in the city I moved from so I pretty much didn't know anyone in new city except for my fiance, now my husband.

After a few years my best friend, her husband and 3 kids moved to new city as well.  Now that whole relationship is a question in itself but I'll save that one for another day.

Anyhow a few years ago, I introduced a friend I had made in new city to a friend of best friend in old city.  They hit it off and ended up getting married a couple of years ago.  About a year ago they had a baby. 

So here's the question - for the past few years we have had a tradition of all 3 families getting together having a festive dinner and exchanging gifts.  Everybody bought for everybody.  This year other friend's husband sent out an e-mail saying let's only buy gifts for the kids this year.  I'm feeling kind of put out and annoyed.  And I should mention that we don't have any kids.  Am I being childish?  I mean there are lot's of people out there who think Christmas is only for the children but dangit, I like presents too.  And these are the friends that I would get nice stuff from too that I would actually like.

So what does one say when one person makes a unilateral decision like that?  I said "fine" because I couldn't think of any polite way to say that I didn't think it was fair.

Suggestions?

many people find perfunctory gift giving tedious AND a challenge to their budget -- having to do this is likely to make the other participants in the dinner find the dinner and social event less appealing. 

I'd give trinkets to the kids e.g. coloring books or whatever -- things they can play with right then and there --

if you really want to do a gift thing one option would be a yankee swap or a white elephant etc but I'd drop it if the others aren't enthusiastic -- you could structure it so each person brings gag gift, a white elephant from their home or a cost limit gift or if it is right for the crowd, a book (books swaps are lots of fun if people are readers) -- then you do the draw numbers, unwrap or grab someone else's gift (person who loses opens a new one) etc and then at the end, you go back through the numbers from top to bottom and each person has one more chance to swap -- fun, lots of gifts to unwrap --

but if they don't like the idea -- drop it -- it is childish (although most of us have that inner child longing for presents)to insist that you must be given gifts and ultimately are these gifts really worth everyone's hassle?

[fklwmn]

I think you have to speak up.   Clearly, the person who suggested this idea didn't think it through at all considering that you don't have children.

It is very fair for you to say, "In retrospect, I don't think the idea of only buying for the children is going to work out since we don't have children.   We would be buying for X (number) of children but not receiving anything in return.  However, I understand that maybe buying for everyone is getting too expensive."   Then you could suggest a Dirty Santa or a Secret Santa amongst the adults and whomever also wishes to buy for the children could do so on their own.

Oooohhh... I really don't like this. It makes i seem like Christmas giving is a tit-for tat thing, when the issue is really that OP feels left out of the gift exchange (or so it seems to me).

I would say something more along the lines of "I was hesitant in speaking up, but this has been weighing on my mind. I've been thinking, I really enjoy the Christmas tradition that we have established and I would miss it terribly if we were to do something different this year. In fact, I had already purchased a gift for (fill-in-name) and something else in mind for (XXX) and was SO looking forward to seeing your expressions when we exchange gifts. Also, not having any children ourselves, DH and I would be missing out on the joy that you will be able to experience watching your own children open gifts. If it's okay with everyone else, we'd prefer to leave our traditions intact."



One of the reasons why your solution struck a nerve for me is that I have a friend with a son the same age as my kids. Every year she made a big deal out of us getting together so our kids can exchange gifts (when I would have just skipped it. My christmas list is family only, and then any firends I FIND something for, I will buy it, but no one is mandatory). This was fine, my kids gave hers a gift  and her son gave one to each of my boys. One year she says her son complained b/c he has to buy TWO gifts (one for each of my sons), and that's NOT FAIR b/c he only gets one in return (given jointly from my kids). So she asked me to make sure that my kids get his separate gifts that year.

I was shocked and appalled b/c I don't see gift exchanges as a reciprocal thing at all (as in... just b/c I bought you a gift, I do not expect you to buy me one, or to make sure it is similar in value, etc... and would rather get no gift at all than one bought as an obligation). I thought her son's complaint was understandable at his age (I think he was 7) and that it would have been the perfect time for her to teach him about christmas being about giving and not receiving, etc... but instead, she validated his complaint and wanted me to do so as well. I told her I thought it was best if we just didn't worry about the gift exchange that year. (and for the record, neither I nor my boys would have been upset had they received a single gift addressed to BOTH of them in lieu of a gift each). We have not exchanged gifts since, and this is the 3rd Christmas since then.

[ClaireC79]

from a seven year olds point of view I can see where he's coming from, as far as he's conbcerned your son are his two friends, completely forgetting the fact that they are brothers.  Personally I probably would have given two gifts from the start (as they were meant to be off of the kids, not off the family), but probably done a cheaper value than I would have as a joint gift.  It's the way I've always done when two of my children are invited to a party

[beakiebean]

It would be my guess that the suggestion to just buy for the kids was out of concern for the family budgets. I know as much as I love to give presents we have to be very careful not to strap our budgets over the holidays-that became extra true after DD was born.

Maybe you could do something like a cookie or ornament exchange so that you still get to enjoy the giving and receiving but it isn't such a big bite out of the budget?

Becca

[KeenerRain]

I suggested this in another thread and it may apply here.

What about "adopting" a child(ren) through a charity to buy gifts for in lieu of you. I know it's not the same as getting a present for you but at least the gift-giving is "fair" and you can make Christmas special for a child.

"Oh Sis I bought a wail-n-wink dolly for charitychild because I remembered how much you loved yours until I decapitated it- sorry about that ;-) "
(At least that is how it would sound in my family!)