Annoying train-riding companion...

[Olivia]

I've read articles about women's safety that indicate that varying ones schedule is a good idea.  (For instance, you shouldn't run the same trail at the same time every day.)  This might be a good idea for you, too, if it's possible.  This guy sounds very creepy. 

I think in a lot of instances women are taught to be polite (thus your post here on an etiquette board asking if your behavior is OK).  But when your safety or personal space is compromised, I think it's OK for politeness to go out the door.  I wouldn't be so alarmed if he just wanted to chat to his "train buddy" every day, but the fact that he's changing his commute to spend more time with you is soooo weird. 

[fklwmn]

can you ride with some headphones in, even if they aren't really attached to anything? And carry something with you that you can place in the seat next to you unless the train is too full?

Sounds to me that he thinks he's found a train friend.

[fklwmn]

"In future, perhaps you should invest in an MP3 player, and a paperback. Even if you don't listen or read, the sight of someone with earphones in and their nose in a book tends to discourage conversation."

I DO read, but he doesn't seem to care.  He notices all right, since he's commented on the fact that I've managed to read 3 books since we've started talking.

The more I think about it, the more creeped out I am :shudder:

I am a person who would always prefer to read over conversing. ALWAYS, lol.

I findthat people do not think that when they talk to you while you are reading, they are interrupting you. I am always being interrupted by people while I am reading. People who, during the course of their interruption, talk about how much I read.

Yes, I read, I would rather do that than speak with you.

Of course, I don't say that, but I often want to. Even when I kind of stop listening to them and my eyes drift back to my page, they still often don't get the hint.

this guy may be creepy (be vigilant) but he also may have just decided to befriend you for some weird reason and does not respect your 'me' time. grrr

[ButterflieRJ]

Olivia, I've read that too.  It's rather hard for me to change my schedule, especially at the end of the day (the train I catch is the last one for 30 mins, and then it goes to an every hour schedule--can't leave work early).  I'm hoping that I can start to get to bed earlier and catch the early train (the later one in the mornings gets me to work way late) to cut down on the times I can potentially run into him.

Trina, often times the characters in books are just more pleasant to be around I'm a huge bookwork as well, and it drives me bonkers when people think that bugging me while reading isn't a big deal...

[Adah]

Given all of the effort you have invested in trying to give this guy the hint that you'd rather not converse/interact with him on the train and the avoidance techniques you're using, I would say if this weirdo manages to waylay you again on the train, be very blunt with him. Tell him flat out that his behavior makes you uncomfortable, that you do not want to sit and converse with him, and for him to leave you alone.

This may sound very harsh, but this guy really does have stalker tendencies. I was stalked by an ex; I did the whole polite route until finally he was banging on my front door, crying and screaming, and running around the house to all of the open windows trying to get me to "listen to him." At that point, I put my foot down and told him that I never wanted him to come near me again and that if he didn't leave immediately, I'd call the cops. When I picked up the phone, he left. When he started cruising through my (private) employer's parking lot every afternoon to see where I'd parked, I notified HR, who notified the police, who notified him. Sometimes you've just got to be very firm, even if it seems rude. Your safety and mental sanity are more important than his potentially hurt feelings.

[Lunadiana75]

Wordy McWord to everyone saying safety over rides manners.  I pride myself on my manners and try very hard to be polite even when faced with rudeness.  Until I feel threatened.  At that point, I don't feel the slightest need to be polite.  I can and will draw a hard line in the sand to protect myself.

I have said on this board before and I will say it again.  Women: if your instincts say someone poses a threat or a danger LISTEN TO THEM!  Instincts never ever ever lie!  Don't brush them off as "over reacting" or "hysterical", instincts are there to protect you. 

[MineralDiva]

I agree with the suggestion that you should listen to your instincts.  Vary your train schedule, when and if you can.  And if you still run into this guy, perhaps it's time to tell him to leave you alone...in words that even HE will understand!

[Clara Bow]

I agree with the suggestion that you should listen to your instincts.  Vary your train schedule, when and if you can.  And if you still run into this guy, perhaps it's time to tell him to leave you alone...in words that even HE will understand!

There are a lot of women out there who would not have been molested, beaten, raped and/or killed if they heeded this advice. He may be perfectly innocent, but better to look a little reactionary than to be hurt...

[MineralDiva]

I agree, Auntie.  Better to seem a little reactionary than be hurt!  Amen to THAT!

[gjcva1]

agree with everyone here who are telling you to follow your instincts.  i have a very fine-tuned "gut".  the few times i haven't listened to it, i have regretted it immensely. 

listen to yours.  be safe.  this might just be some dopey dumb socially inept guy and mean no harm (though the changing train times and not riding the bus and walking instead is just a LITTLE strange).  if you hurt his feelings, i'm really sorry.  too bad so sad.  know where you are in relation to the station manager's kiosk is at all times, know where the button is to summon help always.  better you be safe than sorry later.

[ClaireC79]

Is there normally anyone else in the carriage that you can sit next to?  (obviously vary it so they don't think you are stalking them).  Maybe that would give him a hint

[ButterflieRJ]

THanks again everyone!  I'm going to try to vary my schedule and avoid until I move, which, hopefully, will mean I switch train lines and therefore never see him again!  WOO! 

As far as knowing where a kiosk and emergency button is, as far as I know the train I take only has a conductor (usually multiple ones that man certain areas of the train) and no emergency call button.  Kinda sucky, but nothing I can really do I guess.

Is there normally anyone else in the carriage that you can sit next to?  (obviously vary it so they don't think you are stalking them).  Maybe that would give him a hint

There are usually others with open spots next to them in the carriage I prefer to get in on, but since I prefer my own seat, I'll head to an empty one out of politeness and my own semi-selfish desires (part of it is just a comfort thing--I like to lean against the side of the train and have a leg up on the little edge that holds the seat up). 

Bah I'll figure it out... Thanks again Ya'll!

[freakyfemme]

"I was up last night with quite a cough.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to beg off conversation and get some sleep on the train today.  Excuse me."  Nods off....

Good call.  Maybe it'd be even better to replace "cough" with "explosive diarrhea," especially if it's possible to make up some plausible reason why said diarrhea just happens to be highly contagious.

[bopper]

1) Start sitting in a different train car
2) Sit in a seat that already has somebody in it so that you cannot be sat next to
3) Bring some "work", and the next time he sits near you just say "Sorry, I have a project that is due soon and I am so behind.  I am afraid I have to work on it and can't talk."  Then start flipping pages and taking notes and such.  This "work" may have to go on for a few days.

[ButterflieRJ]

Update:

I've been leaving the house 5 minutes earlier than normal in order to get to the station earlier, thus allowing me time to walk a few extra feet down the platform and hide wait in a semi-enclosed area.  This also means I am getting on in a different car, which, for some odd reason isn't all that popular, so I've been getting my own seat every morning!    I've been doing this for about a week and it is working out pretty well in the mornings. 
In the evenings I get on one car past my normal car and move away from the engine (as opposed to towards the engine, which is closer to where I park).  I haven't seen him on the ride home at all... it's been nice.

Saw him again this morning.  I was running late and saw him pulling into the station a mere 2 cars behind me.  Grr... I hurried to get out of the car but he got out about the same time I did.  I had a voicemail from the previous night and muttered something about needing to check it, and did.  Somehow, I ran away lost him between checking my voicemail, hurridly stuffing my $1 into the little box, and getting on the train, and then managed to find an already occupied seat to sit in.  I don't think he sat in the same car as me either.  I scooted off the train before he did and walked to work, thankfully, alone.

So far, the avoidance tactic seems to be working, and I'm feeling less and less bad about it.