Gifting grown children?

[veryfluffy]

But the way I am reading this is different from some extended families where everyone seems to buy presents for the children. There is usually the idea here that once someone is an adult, they then participate as adults. It is a "family" thing, and does not imply the element of reciprocity between two parties. However, in this instance it is a group of friends who have opted to buy gifts for each other's children, rather than for each other. The reciprocity involved is between adults A and adults B, via gifts for their respective children. If adults A give gifts to children B, but adults B don't give any gifts at all, it becomes very one-sided. Keep in mind that these children were ONLY being gifted because of their relationship to the adults in the exchange, not due to any relationship to the gifter.

[stanthedevil]

why would that be unfair?  their child got gifts for 18 years -- what is unfair about them providing gifts for some other child for 18 years?

Well, when you put it that way, nothing, I guess. It just makes me feel a bit uncomfortable that they are gifting my children and I am no longer reciprocating. I think that's how a few of the others feel as well. Maybe we can all pitch in for a gift card or something practical for him. I just don't know.

My family weathered a similar situation.  However, it worked out just fine.  The cousins in my family range from 12 to 32.  My parents always bought for their siblings children until they graduated from high school.  My aunts and uncles have done the same.  The only ones getting presents this year are the three youngest: 7th grade, 10th grade, and 12th grade respectively. 

I don't think it will be a big deal, but you could always ask the young man's parents to get a feel for the situation.  Because in reality if you have children still under 18, you bought for him before you had children of your own.  Now it's just the opposite situation, and I wouldn't feel bad at all.

[jane7166]

Our cut-off age is 21.  DD now picks a name to gift an adult in the family just like all the adults.

I'm happy to cut off dear nephew and his wife, now that they are both 21, since they don't attend the extended family celebrations (I do understand they have to work and can't make the trip) and haven't acknowledged ANY presents in two years.

[KeenerRain]

What about making a toy donation to a charity in honor of the college student? That way they are "cut off" so to speak from the children's gift exchange but their parent's gift contribution is reciprocated.

Plus buying toys is tons of fun especially when they are going to charity because you get to choose what YOU want rather then what the child wants. I try and honor my "inner child" by going to the toy department an buying ANYTHING I want! Lots of fun and it helps give a nice Christmas to a deserving kid

[dawbs]

In my family, 18 is the standard cut-off age.

I will say, to avoid confusion, giving a "transition gift" (as someone put it) with a card explaining that you are thrilled he is a responsible adult and won't be part of the kid's gift exchange any more is helpful.

[Clara Bow]

When he's out of school and making his own way in the world, then I would stop giving him the gifts. Until then, a gift card to the local grocery or pizza shack would be most appropriate and much appreciated.

[Deetee]

I'll just echo what a bunch of people said and say that this should be the last year. 18 is a good cut-off point for children.

I'm going to disagree with the gifting of college students because I can see that becoming very messy. Do you give gifts to Sam who took a year off to travel , but is still technically a student? Or Sally who is 35 and in grad school? Does Betsy go back on the list at 23 or does the fact she has her own kids count against. (And I'm speaking as an ex starving student)

One last gift at 18 and then he's on the card list. He is an adult. As the adults don't exchange gifts, this seems simpliest.

[stanthedevil]

Deetee makes a good point.  I'm 22 and still in college, but I'm living on my own.  My brother is 21 and still lives at home.  He doesn't attend school at all.  So who should get presents?

On my dad's side of the family only the three kids: 13, 16, and 19 (but mentally retarded) get presents.  The adults just play games and talk.  We're all pretty scattered, so getting to catch up is a great present!

On my mom's side, the three kids get presents that all the aunts pitch in a few dollars for and all the adults draw one name.  The fellas draw the fellas and the ladies draw for the ladies.  There is a $30 limit on the gifts and everyone only has to buy one present.

[lkdrymom]

I was worrying about this last year. My kids are 10 & 11 while my cousin's kids are 18, 17, 15 & 13. I decided that they will get a Xmas gift from me through the year they graduate high school. Then they are an adult and not part of the 'gifts for children  only'. SO last year was the last check for the oldest. I am concerned next year when I send gifts for the two younger kids and not the oldest...could I end up offending his parents?

[scooter2071]

This is actually a bit of a sore  point for me as all my husband's nieces and nephews are in their mid to late 20s while our children are still very young.  He/we spent a fortune buying gifts for them over the years, until the early 20s for the oldest one, but his siblings have hardly ever bought gifts for our kids.  It's not the gifts themselves but the attitude that hurts.

I am dealing with a similar situation with my Aunt and Uncle's children. My aunt has bought for myself and my siblings every year, for all occasions and is very generous. She has children, my cousins, the same age as my own children and we buy them gifts for birthdays and Christmas but we can never afford to reciprocate equally. I feel badly, but they have a different set of circumstances. They married later when they obtained Master's degrees and have pretty decent carrers established whereas we are still students raising children...and pretty much broke.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I was worrying about this last year. My kids are 10 & 11 while my cousin's kids are 18, 17, 15 & 13. I decided that they will get a Xmas gift from me through the year they graduate high school. Then they are an adult and not part of the 'gifts for children  only'. SO last year was the last check for the oldest. I am concerned next year when I send gifts for the two younger kids and not the oldest...could I end up offending his parents?

possibly, but that really shouldnt be your main concern.  Let the parents know that next year, you will be doing gifts just for the "kids." of make a comment about how s/he is an adult now and this will be the last one...
This way, they have advance notice and less chance of being offended.  Who you give gifts to is up to you....

[gr_gal1993]

Our cut-off age is 21.  DD now picks a name to gift an adult in the family just like all the adults.

I'm happy to cut off dear nephew and his wife, now that they are both 21, since they don't attend the extended family celebrations (I do understand they have to work and can't make the trip) and haven't acknowledged ANY presents in two years.

This strikes me as odd because I would have cut off a married under 21 year old immediately regardless of the rules.  If they are old enough to marry, then they should be considered adults.  An unmarried 20 year old niece would get a gift from me, but not a married one.

[freakyfemme]

Our cut-off age is 21.  DD now picks a name to gift an adult in the family just like all the adults.

I'm happy to cut off dear nephew and his wife, now that they are both 21, since they don't attend the extended family celebrations (I do understand they have to work and can't make the trip) and haven't acknowledged ANY presents in two years.

This strikes me as odd because I would have cut off a married under 21 year old immediately regardless of the rules.  If they are old enough to marry, then they should be considered adults.  An unmarried 20 year old niece would get a gift from me, but not a married one.

Ooh, can I be in your family?  I'm 22, but I probably won't get married for a long, LONG time.......so, I'd like a pony, and a Playstation, and a villa in the South of France, lol.  Oh, and I'm willing to sit at the kids' table in exchange for these things, as long as everything *stays* on the table, as opposed to being flung every which way.

[gr_gal1993]

Ooh, can I be in your family?  I'm 22, but I probably won't get married for a long, LONG time.......so, I'd like a pony, and a Playstation, and a villa in the South of France, lol.  Oh, and I'm willing to sit at the kids' table in exchange for these things, as long as everything *stays* on the table, as opposed to being flung every which way.

Actually, our families have all eliminated gifts for kids and everyone.  Grandparents might give their grandkids a few trinkets, but it became too much of a hassle trying to buy gifts for others.  Now, we just get together for games and fun during the holidays.

[freakyfemme]

Ooh, can I be in your family?  I'm 22, but I probably won't get married for a long, LONG time.......so, I'd like a pony, and a Playstation, and a villa in the South of France, lol.  Oh, and I'm willing to sit at the kids' table in exchange for these things, as long as everything *stays* on the table, as opposed to being flung every which way.

Actually, our families have all eliminated gifts for kids and everyone.  Grandparents might give their grandkids a few trinkets, but it became too much of a hassle trying to buy gifts for others.  Now, we just get together for games and fun during the holidays.

Can I still be in your family?  That means I'll never have to decode claims of "Oh, I don't care what you get me"; or "I'd like peace on Earth!!!"; again, lol.