Gifting grown children?

[Felica]

Our group of friends don't exchange Christmas gifts. We do parties and get togethers and stuff like that. We do buy for the children though. This year, one of our friends has a son that has turned 18 and moved into a college dorm (has a job, is paying his own way in college, basically self sufficent). My personal feeling is that it's time to stop buying for him, as he is now grown and not living at home. But, the rest of us all have younger children, living at home and our friend (parent of 18 year old) has already said she will continue to buy for these children. Which is fine. My concern is am I being mean for not wanting to continue to gift her grown child, or is it time to stop?

I'm asking on behalf of several of us, who aren't sure what to do....

[TZ]

I think your friend is very generous to continue buying for your children, and I would continue to gift her son, as well.  I think an 18 year old who is working to put himself through college could really use a lot of things, i.e. giftcards to Amazon, a grocery store, Target.  He sounds like a responsible young man who could use some help, or at least something "fun" that he might not normally be able to afford for himself. 

[MDefarge]

The gift cards I got from Aunts/Uncles/friends of the family actually meant *more* to me when I was in college because I could really appreciate the gift - I haven't met a college student who *isn't* strapped for cash and it was nice to still be thought of.  Once I graduated from college and more or less on my own, I started sending my own cards/gifts instead of just having my name on whatever the family gift was.  The poster who suggested gift cards to Walmart/gas stations/grocery stores is right on the money (pardon the pun)

[lolane]

As someone who is not too removed from the life of a poor college student, I vote for continuing to give him gifts until he's graduated.  I got a lot of gift cards to grocery stores in college and they meant A LOT to me. Even when I didn't get gift cards, I usually got stuff that was too much a luxury for me on my student's budget.

[veryfluffy]

I am not sure I understand why this boy should suddenly no longer warrant a gift. He is still the same person. Either you want to give gifts to your friends' children, or you don't.

[bibbety]

We stop buying for our nieces and nephews once they have graduated from high school. They are considered adults at this point, and adults reciprocate with gifts.

Having said that, I always give a year's notice. I'd send a gift this year with a polite note saying something to the effect that you'll just be buying gifts for the children from now on. Then, send him a nice card next year.

[Felica]

I am not sure I understand why this boy should suddenly no longer warrant a gift. He is still the same person. Either you want to give gifts to your friends' children, or you don't.

It's not quite as black and white as "warrenting" a gift. He's a perfectly fine young man. Maybe I wasn't clear. The 'rule' is that the adults don't exchange gifts. Techincally, college child is now an adult. But it also seems unfair for his parents to continue to buy for the children who are still 'children'.

[Chocolate Cake]

We stop buying for our nieces and nephews once they have graduated from high school. They are considered adults at this point, and adults reciprocate with gifts.

Having said that, I always give a year's notice. I'd send a gift this year with a polite note saying something to the effect that you'll just be buying gifts for the children from now on. Then, send him a nice card next year

POD!  (Oh, sorry...) I mean to say "I wholeheartedly agree"!   Age 18 is a natural cut-off point.  He's an adult, albeit a poor one, but an adult none-the-less.  He doesn't "count" as a child anymore and since you only buy for children, he's reached the end of the gift road.

[graceh9]

I am not sure I understand why this boy should suddenly no longer warrant a gift. He is still the same person. Either you want to give gifts to your friends' children, or you don't.

It's not quite as black and white as "warrenting" a gift. He's a perfectly fine young man. Maybe I wasn't clear. The 'rule' is that the adults don't exchange gifts. Techincally, college child is now an adult. But it also seems unfair for his parents to continue to buy for the children who are still 'children'.

why would that be unfair?  their child got gifts for 18 years -- what is unfair about them providing gifts for some other child for 18 years?

[Felica]

why would that be unfair?  their child got gifts for 18 years -- what is unfair about them providing gifts for some other child for 18 years?

Well, when you put it that way, nothing, I guess. It just makes me feel a bit uncomfortable that they are gifting my children and I am no longer reciprocating. I think that's how a few of the others feel as well. Maybe we can all pitch in for a gift card or something practical for him. I just don't know.

[sammycat]

I agree that if only the children are being gifted then this boy should not receive a gift, but I wouldn't cut him off this year, as to do so without any prior warning would be unfair. It's a bit of a hazy subject as really you are gifting each others children but then again he isn't technically still a child.  Maybe the group needs to have a discussion and set a cut off age for future years.  Is he the oldest by a lot of years, or are there other teenagers coming up to 18 as well?  As another poster said, you HAVE bought for him for 18 years (or how ever long you have known him), so now its his parents turn to gift everyone else's children for 18 years.

In my mother's family there was a cut off age of 18, so we all knew it was there.

This is actually a bit of a sore  point for me as all my husband's nieces and nephews are in their mid to late 20s while our children are still very young.  He/we spent a fortune buying gifts for them over the years, until the early 20s for the oldest one, but his siblings have hardly ever bought gifts for our kids.  It's not the gifts themselves but the attitude that hurts.

[Lady Vavasour]

Once a child starts college/working, what I would do is give them a 'starting out' gift appropriate for needy students/new workers. That way, you have a ritual that marks the onset of their adulthood, and the end of receiving presents, while at the same time making it a little special for them.

[MadMadge43]

I completely see the reasoning of having a cut-off point for children and gifts. But I wonder if 18 is the age to do it at. These are the nether years where you assume all the responsibility and get none of the perks. You make no more money than you did when you were 16 and now all of a sudden you have to buy your own toilet paper, not to mention rent, college tuition and everything else.

Maybe the age should be moved to 21. I know I would have been head over heels if I had received gift cards and other thoughtful items from aunts, uncles and family friends.

I still look in horror at the darn "retired" Tom Clark gnome of a student I received from my mom for Christmas while in college when I had no clothes, food or anything else. What was she thinking! $200 could have bought me a lot of toothpaste & tampons which I was out of and had to borrow from my sister while home.

[Oxymoroness]

My family had "graduated from high school or 18 -whichever came first" rule as well. At that point the former "kids" would participate in the adult polyanna exchange.

Maybe a nice "transition" measure would be to gift college students with a decent gift card instead of a full-blown gift exchange. Then after college they're on their own! 

I can see both sides having been there myself. Ultimately, gifts are given when the giver wants to for whatever reason. It doesn't have to be an age limit, or a holiday that determines if you're "allowed" or not. If you like the guy and want to help him out at a tough time in his life, sure give him a gift.

[Betsy]

I understand where you are coming from. When I turned 18 a bunch of my parents friends stopped getting me gifts and I understood that "I was an adult" and If I wanted to be treated as such then I had to accept the other not so wonderful parts too. However some of them did continue to get me gifts but now that Im two years removed from college they havent since I graduated.