Author Topic: Special Snowflake Stories  (Read 5097031 times)

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TeamBhakta

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25440 on: February 10, 2014, 12:56:13 PM »
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Which is the opposite side of the same problem - only complimenting one thing! Most of us want to be loved for the entirety of who we are - not just some pieces. We want to be complimented on our looks, personality, intelligence and abilties. Focusing on only one are (and it doesn't matter which, although the physical is probably the one that gets noticed the fastest) makes you wonder if the other person cares about you as a person or only about have X quality on their arm.

I can't imagine expecting a guy I'd only been on 2 dates with to "love" me or "care" about me (beyond "I care to open a door for you" & "I care if you trip"), let alone love all aspects of me. And this is coming from someone who was told on the second date with a now fiance "I want to marry you." I had seen some d_ting article the other day, along the lines of "Just breath on the first few dates with someone. Get to know them. Don't mentally turn it into 'Am I going to marry you ? When will we turn exclusive ?' " and it really rings true.   

MommyPenguin

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25441 on: February 10, 2014, 01:15:47 PM »
And this is why I don't wish to go back into the dating world ever again. The carryover of everyone's baggage makes for muddy waters.  Could be this guy praised his last date/gf for her intelligence and she was insulted he didn't notice the effort she put into looking good.

Which is the opposite side of the same problem - only complimenting one thing! Most of us want to be loved for the entirety of who we are - not just some pieces. We want to be complimented on our looks, personality, intelligence and abilties. Focusing on only one are (and it doesn't matter which, although the physical is probably the one that gets noticed the fastest) makes you wonder if the other person cares about you as a person or only about have X quality on their arm.

I think the problem here is that it was after two dates, and it sounded like it was basically a short email to say "I enjoyed my time with you."  If he'd said, "I really like your hair, your smile, the way you talk, your intelligence, how creative you seem to be, and our conversation," it just gets to be a bit much and might come across as creepy.  Honestly I don't think people should be talking about smell quite so soon in a relationship, though.  I think that remarking on somebody's smell is a bit intimate and should be something reserved for later, once a solid relationship is established.

KenveeB

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25442 on: February 10, 2014, 01:50:38 PM »


*I asked my soon-to-be 18 yo son if he minded taking me to Sam's Club as I only needed one thing. After I put my tenth item in the cart, he mildly protested with "I thought you said you were only getting one thing?" I replied, deadpan, "When a woman tells you she's only picking up one thing, she is ALWAYS lying." We both laughed.  ;D And yes I know men are equally guilty of that.
"
What my daughter did when I was going to Costco (same as Sam's Club) for "just one thing " was to forbid me from using a cart. You don't need a cart, Mom, if you were getting just one thing!  So I was limited to what I could carry. :-)

Unfortunately my "just one thing" (well, two or three things) at Costco is dog food. Gotta have the cart for that. I'm pretty good at grabbing my couple of bags of dog food and making a beeline for the door, but sometimes I get distracted. :)

Coralreef

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25443 on: February 10, 2014, 02:22:09 PM »


*I asked my soon-to-be 18 yo son if he minded taking me to Sam's Club as I only needed one thing. After I put my tenth item in the cart, he mildly protested with "I thought you said you were only getting one thing?" I replied, deadpan, "When a woman tells you she's only picking up one thing, she is ALWAYS lying." We both laughed.  ;D And yes I know men are equally guilty of that.
"
What my daughter did when I was going to Costco (same as Sam's Club) for "just one thing " was to forbid me from using a cart. You don't need a cart, Mom, if you were getting just one thing!  So I was limited to what I could carry. :-)

Unfortunately my "just one thing" (well, two or three things) at Costco is dog food. Gotta have the cart for that. I'm pretty good at grabbing my couple of bags of dog food and making a beeline for the door, but sometimes I get distracted. :)

That shinny stuff is hard to resist  ;)

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heartmug

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25444 on: February 10, 2014, 02:28:25 PM »


*I asked my soon-to-be 18 yo son if he minded taking me to Sam's Club as I only needed one thing. After I put my tenth item in the cart, he mildly protested with "I thought you said you were only getting one thing?" I replied, deadpan, "When a woman tells you she's only picking up one thing, she is ALWAYS lying." We both laughed.  ;D And yes I know men are equally guilty of that.
"
What my daughter did when I was going to Costco (same as Sam's Club) for "just one thing " was to forbid me from using a cart. You don't need a cart, Mom, if you were getting just one thing!  So I was limited to what I could carry. :-)

Bopper, that is something my teen would say to me.   ;D
The trouble is not that the world is full of fools, it's just that lightening isn't distributed right.  - Mark Twain

greencat

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25445 on: February 10, 2014, 03:30:41 PM »

What my daughter did when I was going to Costco (same as Sam's Club) for "just one thing " was to forbid me from using a cart. You don't need a cart, Mom, if you were getting just one thing!  So I was limited to what I could carry. :-)


I do that to myself at the grocery store, and then swear at myself when I walk toward the front juggling the six or seven things I had previously forgotten that I needed.

wolfie

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25446 on: February 10, 2014, 08:26:02 PM »
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Which is the opposite side of the same problem - only complimenting one thing! Most of us want to be loved for the entirety of who we are - not just some pieces. We want to be complimented on our looks, personality, intelligence and abilties. Focusing on only one are (and it doesn't matter which, although the physical is probably the one that gets noticed the fastest) makes you wonder if the other person cares about you as a person or only about have X quality on their arm.

I can't imagine expecting a guy I'd only been on 2 dates with to "love" me or "care" about me (beyond "I care to open a door for you" & "I care if you trip"), let alone love all aspects of me. And this is coming from someone who was told on the second date with a now fiance "I want to marry you." I had seen some d_ting article the other day, along the lines of "Just breath on the first few dates with someone. Get to know them. Don't mentally turn it into 'Am I going to marry you ? When will we turn exclusive ?' " and it really rings true.   

That is true - two dates isn't a long time to base anything off of. But I bet she wasn't really feeling it for him and so decided to needle him to see if she could get a reaction. If she had actually been attracted to him she probably would have tried to feel him out a little more subtly. I was just okcupid messaging with someone who just asked me how I felt about him - asked me no questions about me at all. I didn't even need a date to decide that that just wasn't what I was interested in. She could have felt the same way - if he only discusses physical things in the first two dates then there has to be more attraction to consider a third.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25447 on: February 10, 2014, 09:28:47 PM »
***snip***
I think the problem here is that it was after two dates, and it sounded like it was basically a short email to say "I enjoyed my time with you."  If he'd said, "I really like your hair, your smile, the way you talk, your intelligence, how creative you seem to be, and our conversation," it just gets to be a bit much and might come across as creepy.  Honestly I don't think people should be talking about smell quite so soon in a relationship, though.  I think that remarking on somebody's smell is a bit intimate and should be something reserved for later, once a solid relationship is established.


This is true as well.  An ex-friend from college was one of those types that come on way too strong and tend to jump into the emotional intimacy way too soon. In hindsight I'd say it was a lot of red flags.  So if someone did start praising all those qualities I'd be warning a gal to be cautious as ot would sound insincere or trying to hard to appear like Mr. Right.

So yeah best thing he could have said? "You looked great, enjoyed our conversation." Bit in all truth, if she didn't like him she'd dismiss him no matter what he did.
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RooRoo

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25448 on: February 11, 2014, 01:21:08 AM »
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"You looked beautiful last night," it said. "I love your smile, your hair, the way you smell." I had deliberately worn jeans and a plain sweater. My hair might have looked okay -- not a rat's nest, anyway. I wore no perfume.
I'm with her. What he wrote was over the top. It sets off my BS detector. Note that she dressed down, on purpose; she was not dressed for flirtation, but for conversation.

Yes, back in my college days there were guys who said stuff like that. Guess what they were interested in? Hint: it had nothing to do with my major, my job, or my hobbies.

Piratelvr has it right:
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best thing he could have said? "You looked great, enjoyed our conversation."
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

TeamBhakta

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25449 on: February 11, 2014, 01:42:18 AM »
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I'm with her. What he wrote was over the top. It sets off my BS detector. Note that she dressed down, on purpose; she was not dressed for flirtation, but for conversation.

I honestly would not guess, even though I'm a female, that a date choosing a sweater and jeans combo signals "I only seek a conversation. I am not going to flirt with you." 

MariaE

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25450 on: February 11, 2014, 02:37:07 AM »
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I'm with her. What he wrote was over the top. It sets off my BS detector. Note that she dressed down, on purpose; she was not dressed for flirtation, but for conversation.

I honestly would not guess, even though I'm a female, that a date choosing a sweater and jeans combo signals "I only seek a conversation. I am not going to flirt with you."

Female here, and I honestly think I look better in jeans and a nice sweater than in most anything else.

Just because he complimented her looks doesn't mean he didn't appreciate their conversation as well. He might have mentioned what he thought she'd appreciate the most. Sounds to me like she took his comment and turned it around and inside out in order to interpret it in the worst possible way. Don't blame him for not replying - he dodged a bullet there. Most of the people commenting there seem to think the same thing.
 
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Dindrane

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25451 on: February 11, 2014, 09:40:51 AM »
Since this is from an article that was actually published (albeit on the internet), I suspect that whoever wrote it is taking a more strident tone than she'd be inclined to in real life (or with something that has her name attached).

I also think that if her date had already given her a lot of verbal compliments on her appearance, getting an email that focused yet again on her appearance and physical traits would not have felt much like genuine interest in her as a whole person. I can see why something like that would be frustrating and would spawn an internet article.

And in the context of figuring out whether or not she wants to date this guy, I wouldn't have responded the way she did, but I don't know that she was necessarily out of line to try and see if he did have anything else to say about her, since I imagine the answer (had he answered) would have influenced whether she was willing to pursue the relationship or not.

So I'm definitely not convinced that this is an example of special snowflake behavior, and to be honest, I'm not entirely convinced it's rude (rather than just blunt and potentially abrasive). I think whether or not it's rude depends very much on the other interactions, that weren't described. It's nothing that I would say, but I don't think that alone makes it rude.


VorFemme

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25452 on: February 11, 2014, 11:03:19 AM »
I do agree that the "tone" of their in-person interaction is probably a big part of her reaction to the "tone" of the email.

But we weren't there to see or hear what happened in the first two dates while they were getting to know each other....
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Coralreef

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25453 on: February 11, 2014, 11:07:12 AM »
Then again, some people are never satisfied because it's not the "right" compliment.  I've met both men and women who just would not be happy whatever you said or how you said it.  It was like extreme compliment fishing.


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pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #25454 on: February 11, 2014, 11:27:45 AM »
Then again, some people are never satisfied because it's not the "right" compliment.  I've met both men and women who just would not be happy whatever you said or how you said it.  It was like extreme compliment fishing.

Ooh, I think I saw that on ESPN.
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