Author Topic: Special Snowflake Stories  (Read 5058348 times)

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PastryGoddess

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27930 on: July 14, 2014, 04:15:46 PM »
Iíve recently started building my family tree on ancestry.com and have contacted some long-lost relatives to ask for names and dates.  I contacted my cousinís 40-year-old daughter, whom Iíve never met (I havenít heard from her father in decades).

She answered ďAre you aware that my father abandoned me and my brother after my parents were divorced [when she was a child]?  We donít exist to him.Ē

I replied that I wasnít aware the situation was so bad, but Iíd be grateful to have full names and birth dates for her, her brother, and her mother. 

Her response was that she didnít want to be part of my family tree unless I added information about what a jerk her father is and all the ways heís done her wrong.

Seriously . . . itís genealogy, not therapy. There's no place in my family tree for personal issues.  I decided not to engage the crazy, but I thought about telling her Iíd replace her leaf on the tree with a box that says ďCrazy PersonĒ. 

Oddly, she's Facebook friends with several relatives on her fatherís side and often gushes over their posts. 

Iíve recently started building my family tree on ancestry.com and have contacted some long-lost relatives to ask for names and dates.  I contacted my cousinís 40-year-old daughter, whom Iíve never met (I havenít heard from her father in decades).

She answered ďAre you aware that my father abandoned me and my brother after my parents were divorced [when she was a child]?  We donít exist to him.Ē

I replied that I wasnít aware the situation was so bad, but Iíd be grateful to have full names and birth dates for her, her brother, and her mother. 

Her response was that she didnít want to be part of my family tree unless I added information about what a jerk her father is and all the ways heís done her wrong.

Seriously . . . itís genealogy, not therapy. There's no place in my family tree for personal issues.  I decided not to engage the crazy, but I thought about telling her Iíd replace her leaf on the tree with a box that says ďCrazy PersonĒ. 

Oddly, she's Facebook friends with several relatives on her fatherís side and often gushes over their posts. 


The good thing about ancestry is that eventually the will find that "leaf" and add it to your family tree for you.  So any information that she has put in her profile can be copied over to your tree.  So I would put the father name if you know it, as well as her name if you know it.  The system will do the rest

MrTango

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27931 on: July 14, 2014, 05:00:31 PM »
The good thing about ancestry is that eventually the will find that "leaf" and add it to your family tree for you.  So any information that she has put in her profile can be copied over to your tree.  So I would put the father name if you know it, as well as her name if you know it.  The system will do the rest

So even if this person chooses not to share information with CDL, Ancestry will eventually provide CDL with information from the person's family tree?  That seems rather shady from a privacy perspective.

Dr. F.

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27932 on: July 14, 2014, 05:03:42 PM »
The good thing about ancestry is that eventually the will find that "leaf" and add it to your family tree for you.  So any information that she has put in her profile can be copied over to your tree.  So I would put the father name if you know it, as well as her name if you know it.  The system will do the rest

So even if this person chooses not to share information with CDL, Ancestry will eventually provide CDL with information from the person's family tree?  That seems rather shady from a privacy perspective.

They don't release any information about living people.

I was astonished that I could find my grandmother's SSN, though, of course, she's dead, so it's not private information anymore.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27933 on: July 14, 2014, 05:05:05 PM »
The good thing about ancestry is that eventually the will find that "leaf" and add it to your family tree for you.  So any information that she has put in her profile can be copied over to your tree.  So I would put the father name if you know it, as well as her name if you know it.  The system will do the rest

So even if this person chooses not to share information with CDL, Ancestry will eventually provide CDL with information from the person's family tree?  That seems rather shady from a privacy perspective.

Not only that, it also doesn't take into account the number of people who carefully curate their genealogy research versus the people who leap at wild guesses.  ("Her name was Sarah Miller and I found a record of a Sarah Miller living in the same town, so it must be her!" versus "There's a possibility these are the same people but we have no birth/death dates for this ancestor so it could just be a coincidence.")

My grandfather wrote several books on our family tree (pre-internet) in which he was VERY careful to be clear which tidbits of information were backed by solid research and which were inferences/speculation - and he's always peeved when the speculation shows up on sites like this and cites his books as "proof."

fidelejavert

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27934 on: July 14, 2014, 08:42:16 PM »
I'm sorry but I don't see how this makes her a special snowflake. Her response might not have been nicely (or appropriately) phrased but she didn't owe you any information. You wanted a favor from her and she declined.

NyaChan

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27935 on: July 14, 2014, 08:46:43 PM »
I'm sorry but I don't see how this makes her a special snowflake. Her response might not have been nicely (or appropriately) phrased but she didn't owe you any information. You wanted a favor from her and she declined.

I have to agree.  She doesn't owe you anything and it certainly wasn't entitled or I'm-so-special of her to refuse.

lady_disdain

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27936 on: July 14, 2014, 09:01:58 PM »
Iíve recently started building my family tree on ancestry.com and have contacted some long-lost relatives to ask for names and dates.  I contacted my cousinís 40-year-old daughter, whom Iíve never met (I havenít heard from her father in decades).

She answered ďAre you aware that my father abandoned me and my brother after my parents were divorced [when she was a child]?  We donít exist to him.Ē

I replied that I wasnít aware the situation was so bad, but Iíd be grateful to have full names and birth dates for her, her brother, and her mother. 

Her response was that she didnít want to be part of my family tree unless I added information about what a jerk her father is and all the ways heís done her wrong.

Seriously . . . itís genealogy, not therapy. There's no place in my family tree for personal issues.  I decided not to engage the crazy, but I thought about telling her Iíd replace her leaf on the tree with a box that says ďCrazy PersonĒ. 

Oddly, she's Facebook friends with several relatives on her fatherís side and often gushes over their posts. 


I don't think that is particularly snowflakey of her. She doesn't want to participate or help. You have no idea what her relationship with those relatives or of those relatives with her father is. Maybe they are willing to call her father a jerk.

Sirius

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27937 on: July 14, 2014, 09:22:33 PM »
I wouldn't take what a genealogy website says as gospel, either.  Rootsweb.com says my dad died in 1974.  My dad is very much alive.  I got a lot of information, obituaries, letters, etc. from my late aunt's house, and have been using those things as source material.  I've contacted Rootsweb several times, but the information on my dad has never been changed.   

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27938 on: July 14, 2014, 09:44:11 PM »
What was Special Snowflakey about my cousin (once removed) was not that she declined to provide information, but that she demanded I air her grievances in my family tree -- a totally ridiculous, inappropriate, and very special request.  Also, instead of declining politely, she dumped her hot mess of personal issues on me.

To clear up a few misconceptions, ancestry.com is very strict with information about living people.  No one can see the information -- not even the name -- unless they created a record in their own tree or they give someone permission to share their tree.  Ancestry.com does not add to or change the information you've entered.  You can review "hints" and decide whether or not to add them.  Yes, there's a lot of misinformation -- welcome to genealogy. 
« Last Edit: July 14, 2014, 10:43:40 PM by CrazyDaffodilLady »
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mmswm

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27939 on: July 14, 2014, 09:44:46 PM »
Iíve recently started building my family tree on ancestry.com and have contacted some long-lost relatives to ask for names and dates.  I contacted my cousinís 40-year-old daughter, whom Iíve never met (I havenít heard from her father in decades).

She answered ďAre you aware that my father abandoned me and my brother after my parents were divorced [when she was a child]?  We donít exist to him.Ē

I replied that I wasnít aware the situation was so bad, but Iíd be grateful to have full names and birth dates for her, her brother, and her mother. 

Her response was that she didnít want to be part of my family tree unless I added information about what a jerk her father is and all the ways heís done her wrong.

Seriously . . . itís genealogy, not therapy. There's no place in my family tree for personal issues.  I decided not to engage the crazy, but I thought about telling her Iíd replace her leaf on the tree with a box that says ďCrazy PersonĒ. 

Oddly, she's Facebook friends with several relatives on her fatherís side and often gushes over their posts. 


I don't think that is particularly snowflakey of her. She doesn't want to participate or help. You have no idea what her relationship with those relatives or of those relatives with her father is. Maybe they are willing to call her father a jerk.

I don't think that not wanting to participate is snowflakey, if she'd just politely declined to participate.  But that's not what she did.  She placed demands on somebody she doesn't really know and asked her to publicly out the man as a jerk in exchange for her cooperation.  That's the part that I think crosses the line.

For example, I have some half-relatives that I'd have liked to get to know and get information about my grandfather from.  My grandfather was more than a jerk.  I can't describe him in polite language, and what he did to my part of the family is nothing compared to what he did to their part of the family.  When I approached them, they simply replied "that part of our history is too painful to revisit.  I hope you understand."  That was that.  I don't think those relatives are snowflakey at all. 

ETA: CrazyDaffodilLady replied at the same time I did.
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esposita

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27940 on: July 14, 2014, 09:45:15 PM »
Iíve recently started building my family tree on ancestry.com and have contacted some long-lost relatives to ask for names and dates.  I contacted my cousinís 40-year-old daughter, whom Iíve never met (I havenít heard from her father in decades).

She answered ďAre you aware that my father abandoned me and my brother after my parents were divorced [when she was a child]?  We donít exist to him.Ē

I replied that I wasnít aware the situation was so bad, but Iíd be grateful to have full names and birth dates for her, her brother, and her mother. 

Her response was that she didnít want to be part of my family tree unless I added information about what a jerk her father is and all the ways heís done her wrong.

Seriously . . . itís genealogy, not therapy. There's no place in my family tree for personal issues.  I decided not to engage the crazy, but I thought about telling her Iíd replace her leaf on the tree with a box that says ďCrazy PersonĒ. 

Oddly, she's Facebook friends with several relatives on her fatherís side and often gushes over their posts.

Honestly, if my father had abandoned me as a kid, I wouldn't want to be a part of anything to do with him either. (Unless he came grovelling back to both me and my mom for forgiveness.) I can't even imagine the feelings that would be stirred up in me if someone called to ask about him like this, out of the blue. It would be very difficult not to go a little crazy. And her relationship with his relatives could be because they understand her pain or they were there for her when her father wasn't, there's really no way of knowing.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27941 on: July 14, 2014, 11:20:25 PM »
The good thing about ancestry is that eventually the will find that "leaf" and add it to your family tree for you.  So any information that she has put in her profile can be copied over to your tree.  So I would put the father name if you know it, as well as her name if you know it.  The system will do the rest

So even if this person chooses not to share information with CDL, Ancestry will eventually provide CDL with information from the person's family tree?  That seems rather shady from a privacy perspective.

Yes if the family tree is shared publicly. If there is someone else on ancestry with similar metrics, then Ancestry will alert you that there may be a match.  It's up to the person to actually add that information to their tree.  Ancestry doesn't do it for you, sorry if I made it seem like it was automatic. Sometimes it's obviously wrong, but I have found a lot of relatives that way.

If I'm not mistaken, all or most of the data on Ancestry is publicly available, such as census and telephone records. 

Genealogists can weigh in and tell me if I'm right or wrong.  I haven't yet mined the full depths of what Ancestry can do. 

fidelejavert

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27942 on: July 14, 2014, 11:26:48 PM »
What was Special Snowflakey about my cousin (once removed) was not that she declined to provide information, but that she demanded I air her grievances in my family tree -- a totally ridiculous, inappropriate, and very special request.  Also, instead of declining politely, she dumped her hot mess of personal issues on me.

To clear up a few misconceptions, ancestry.com is very strict with information about living people.  No one can see the information -- not even the name -- unless they created a record in their own tree or they give someone permission to share their tree.  Ancestry.com does not add to or change the information you've entered.  You can review "hints" and decide whether or not to add them.  Yes, there's a lot of misinformation -- welcome to genealogy.

Yeah, but the request was so over the top that it was obviously a rejection of your request and shouldn't be taken seriously as a request. Again, she didn't phrase it very well but it seems obvious that she was declining to provide the information.

And I agree that your speculation about her relationships with other family members is totally irrelevant.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27943 on: July 15, 2014, 12:24:25 AM »
Census records are public only up to 1940.  Ancestry.com does not provide phone numbers or any other information about living persons unless you've been expressly invited to share a family tree containing that information.  The tree owner must also expressly grant you permission to view information about living persons in the tree.

Now I'm going to let this drop before we get into trouble.
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Phoebelion

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Re: Special Snowflake Stories
« Reply #27944 on: July 15, 2014, 06:10:58 AM »
Since you really don't know the other side, I'd stay out of the "Dad's abandoned us and is a jerk" area. 

This subject hits way too close to home for me and my husband.  Still there and doing that.