Christian Service rant!

[Cyndi]

I dunno if volunteer work counts as work, so if it doesn't please move this to the correct folder.

My mom volunteers for Christian Service. She fixes homeless lunches, does all the shopping for the poor family groceries, lugs heavy boxes she really shouldn't be lifting around and gives as much time as humanly possible to the head of this service, who I'll call MA.

MA has a toxic son, an athiest DIL and a spoiled rotten grandson who happens to have autism like me. MA's toxic family lives with her and her house is always a cesspool because she is rather frail and can't handle cleaning up(my mom has cleaned her house for her and in an hour it looks like nobody touched it!). MA's daughter is always working, so the grandson is left to run around crazy in the house. I've never seen the toxic son, but he's a total loser from what I've heard and he's basically ruined MA's life.

Well, MA doesn't seem to realize my mom has other obligations around Christmastime. She doesn't have to go home and cook dinner for her family. Volunteers join CS and then drop out because MA runs them into the ground. At Christmas there's Adop a Family, a Children's Christmas Party, two Christmas Boutiques and then a children's Christmas Boutique. It used to be MA did this all on one weekend. This year she decided to spread it out over the whole month, basically destroying any plans anybody might have made, so people either had to cancel vacations or go anyway, leaving MA with almost NO HELP besides mom and maybe three other people.

My mom bakes cookies for Christmas every year and gives them out. She sends many platters to church, one to my choir, some to the neighbors, tons to the people where dad works...even our hairdresser gets a plate of cookies!

Today, my mom told me that MA said, "I don't know why you waste your time baking those stupid cookies. It's not like anybody here likes them or wants any."

My mom let this roll off her back. MA just wants her to give up her baking time to do Adopt A Family, which my mom has refused. My mom has probably given more time than any of the other volunteers. She took a year off when she had her lumpectomy, and even then MA kept calling and harassing her to come back. Then when MA had to have surgery on her lung, she was back as soon as she could get up and walk and I heard her comment that my mom was being a wimp!!!!!!! for taking a year off when it only takes six weeks to really heal.

MA has on more than one occasion taken advantage of my mom's giving spirit. I had to hound my mom to skip out on at least one event so she can rest and bake. She has maybe four days of nonstop baking to do if she wants to have cookies ready for my dad to take them to work. She usually has three weeks to do it at leisure, but thanks to MA's faulty planning my mom now has to cram all this baking into a few days. I can tell she's exhausted and running on fumes. By Christmas I'm worried she'll be burnt out and unable to enjoy anything.

But hearing that MA put down my mom's wonderful baking as a ploy to make her work more just pissed me off. MA just does NOT REALIZE that many of her volunteers have lives to go home to and she gets mad that nobody wants to work with her around the holidays. Easter and Christmas are always a nightmare because she changes things or sets up Christian Service events in a way that makes it impossible for anybody to give up time to come help.

MA is a nice lady, I like her, but I think I've lost some respect for her after this. Especially since she insulted my mom and made her feel like crap for backing away  and focusing on her own family.

[jfulle5]

humm doesnt seem very "christian" like to treat people like that. I thought the whole thing was about good will and helping others but first you have to help your self. Has anyone tried talking to MA?  I hate it when "volunteer" jobs turn into the biggest time eaters... kind of defeats the point.

[Alida]

MA is a nice lady, I like her, but I think I've lost some respect for her after this. Especially since she insulted my mom and made her feel like crap for backing away  and focusing on her own family.

MA is not a nice lady, not if she runs people into the ground and is insulting your mother!  That's just amazingly rude and ill-mannered.

MA is going to find herself alone trying to do all this and it's a shame, because it sounds as if others benefit from the programs.

[Cyndi]

Mondrian - People have tried, and then they drop out when they realize MA is going to work them to death. Usually people who are new and who don't realize how much time they'll need to "donate". MA constantly takes advantage of my mom's hating to say "no". She's gone in sick with the flu and she was even working when a shingles infection had her in so much pain she would come home and cry...and my mom is not a woman who dissolves to tears easily.(MA would tell her "Suck it up, it can't be THAT bad!")


EDIT: Forgot to mention - my mom goes in because she's afraid that if she doesn't, nobody else will and she does it for the benefit of the people she helps, not MA, though she's helped MA through personal issues with little thanks. I think with all the years my mom HAS put in to CS, she should start getting paid for her time.

[MadMadge43]

It is a volunteer organization that is being run by a controll freak. Volunteers work because of the desire to help and the recongnition they receive. Not because they are forced into it. You mom might want to see if she can volunteer someplace else.

But the main reason I'm writing, is that little thing you have walking across your thread. Makes me think I have a bug on my computer screen everytime and I start to jump!  It's actually kind of funny! Thought you'd get a laugh.

[Cyndi]

Ah, my little marching, flaming Godzilla! It's supposed to be funny. Plus he's advertising my Godizlla fanfiction!

My mom is one of the last people there. MA has never been this bad about being in charge though. I told my mom that she should start cutting back all of her time and not just her holiday time so MA can learn that my mom has a life outside of Christian Service.

[sammycat]

If your mum wants to volunteer but doesn't want to say no because ultimately it will impact on the recipients, could she quit volunteering at CS and join another organisation instead?  Your mum sounds like a really lovely and very giving woman and it's horrible to think of MA taking advantage of that.

[Cyndi]

I wish...the church is close, convenient and she has other friends there. Leaving would basically cut her off from her small social circle. Plus her relationship with MA is good except for these occasional power trips.

[Ulla dances in a silly way]

MA has a toxic son, an athiest DIL

Sorry to nitpick here as I realize this isn't the topic at hand, but what does the DIL's religious views (or lack thereof) have to do with how good her MIL is? There's no reason an atheist DIL cannot reflect well on a family. You wouldn't list a Jewish DIL with a "toxic son," so why any other spiritual belief?

Atheist (or anything else that is "different")  does not equal bad.

-Ulla

[Bethalize]

My mom is one of the last people there. MA has never been this bad about being in charge though. I told my mom that she should start cutting back all of her time and not just her holiday time so MA can learn that my mom has a life outside of Christian Service.

She should definitely start cutting back. This MA sounds like she would have your skin for boot leather and complain about the quality. Sometimes you have to let things fall down instead of enabling and holding them up at the expense of yourself.

[MrsP81]

Is there someone abover her that she can talk to? It seems like something needs to be done so she doesn't keep driving away volunteers.

[VorFemme]

If this program is run under the auspices of a church, perhaps your mother could talk to the church's governing body (pastor and deacons) about the impact MA is having DRIVING volunteers off by overworking them?  Which could mean that when the time comes that MA is unable to run the program, the program will die because NO ONE will have good associations with it.

Perhaps MA could be persuaded to take an assistant or someone else could take it over while MA has a "well earned sabbatical". 

Can you and your Dad help your mom in the kitchen with the baking? 

Reminds me, I bought eggs, shortening, sugar, chocolate chips, etc. but I need to get my feet into the kitchen to stand & stir things together!

[graceh9]

Mondrian - People have tried, and then they drop out when they realize MA is going to work them to death. Usually people who are new and who don't realize how much time they'll need to "donate". MA constantly takes advantage of my mom's hating to say "no". She's gone in sick with the flu and she was even working when a shingles infection had her in so much pain she would come home and cry...and my mom is not a woman who dissolves to tears easily.(MA would tell her "Suck it up, it can't be THAT bad!")
end quote

you know carrying flu or shingles/chicken pox into the homes of the poor or the soup kitchens of the poor or to volunteers is a really bad idea -- this woman is awful BUT your mom must have a bit of a martyr thing going to bend to this --- and anyone who is spreading their germs because they 'are just irreplaceable' has lost all perspective about their importance in the world -- no solution except for her to decide what she can do, do that, and ignore the rest.  this is not an MA problem -- it is your mom's problem taking responsibility for her own life. (my mom has spend a lifetime serving others and talking endlessly about her sacrifices, so I have been there )

and EVERYONE loves homemade cookies -- your mom's cookies are probably the highlight of the holidays for everyone who gets them -- if that ugly remark wasn't a clue to your mother about her obligations to MA then nothing will be

[sweedetobee]

Your mom sounds like a very nice, giving person but I think she has to set up boundries or any exhation, illness, mental stress that she gets from MA is going to be her own fault if she doesn't stop it heself.

Your mom needs to pick one weekend a month (for example) to donate to this cause and that's it. She can't do anything else at any other time - too bad. She should schedule other things on the other weekends (whether it is baking cookies, perhaps getting involved in a different organization or hobby, or just having "down time" with her family) and let MA know that she is simply unavailable except for X time per month. And NO more cleaning MA's house - if she can't do it and her family won't pitch in then hire some help or call Family Services for assistance.  MA's family issues are not your mother's problems - your mom can be concerned about her own family and then those that are truly less fortunate and need the services of Christian Services.

And if I were your mom I'd never bake anything for MA again.

[Slartibartfast]

MA has a toxic son, an athiest DIL

Sorry to nitpick here as I realize this isn't the topic at hand, but what does the DIL's religious views (or lack thereof) have to do with how good her MIL is? There's no reason an atheist DIL cannot reflect well on a family. You wouldn't list a Jewish DIL with a "toxic son," so why any other spiritual belief?

Atheist (or anything else that is "different")  does not equal bad.

-Ulla

No, but it does mean she probably isn't committed to helping MA's *Christian* charities.  In this case, I don't think it was bad to include that information.