Is this an acceptable condolence message?

[HiJinx]

Hello Forum Members.  I'm a long-time lurker but this is my first post.  I hope this is the right folder for it.  Something happened last week that left me wondering if I'm over-reacting, or if this was an acceptable act.

A little background...  I have a friend I'll call "S."  I've known her for many years.  We used to have somewhat similar life situations and became very close, to a point of considering each other to be best friends.  Over the years, our situations have changed and we drifted, although we have always still considered each other to be best friends. 

A few months ago, things happened (too long a story to tell now, and not relevant to this story) that caused me to feel that S is not a friend and made me not care to associate with her.  We never had an argument, but I was extremely disappointed by her actions in a situation that caused my life to change completely.  End of background.

Last week, my mother passed away.  She had had a massive stroke a week before, was in the hospital for a week, but never woke up.  This was extremely sudden and completely unexpected.  Mom was my best friend and my family (sister) has been less than supportive and this has been a very difficult time for me, although I am getting on with life with the occasional weepy moments. 

When my mom passed away, I made all of the arrangements, and phoned family and friends in her address book.  I also called my own close friends - basically anyone who knew my mom.  I called S but got her voice mail a few times.  I don't like to leave news such as this on a voice mail, but eventually had to, since I thought she may want to know before the services and I was unable to reach her. 

The afternoon of the funeral, I received the longest text message on my cell phone - so long that it was actually delivered in 4 separate text messages.  It was from S and it was a long condolence message, saying how sorry she was for my loss, how she thinks of me as her sister, and to please call her so we can get together for dinner.  To say that I was gobsmacked would be the understatement of the decade. 

Do we live in a world that has become so technologically advanced that this is considered an acceptable manner of sending condolences?  In other words, am I over-reacting by being very hurt that she could spend more time typing a text message on a cell phone that it would have taken to just dial my number and talk to me for a few minutes?  I fully understand that some people cannot handle a traditional viewing or funeral and I did not expect that of anyone.  I was truly touched by people who were not able to attend and would call or send a card.  But I was unable to answer S's text message because I just have no words to say to such a gesture. 

[familyfun]

First, I'm sorry to hear about your mom & hugs to you  .   That must be incredibly difficult.  I think your friend's reaction is weird, but I'm 40 ish so maybe I don't understand technology so well.  I think a card or even an e-mail would have been better (if she couldn't call you for some reason.

[HiJinx]

I think your friend's reaction is weird, but I'm 40 ish so maybe I don't understand technology so well.

Thank you.   

I should add that we're both 50-ish, so this was not a matter of a young generation that uses texting as a "typical" means of communication. 

[miss_ann_thrope]

I'm so sorry for your loss.


Maybe she thought that you wouldn't want to speak to her if she called? Perhaps she didn't want to inconvienience you during your grief?

I'm not quite sure why she thought a text message was better than an email, or a card.

Or maybe she just didn't want to talk with you....but that still doesn't explain why a text for a condolence message.


I'm sorry. I think it would be perfectly okay if you don't respond to it. It's possible you couldn't get texts (this has happened with a text; their cell plans didn't allow them to receive any texts), so didn't receive her message.

((((HUGS)))))

[baglady]

HiJinx, so sorry for your loss.

Texting condolences does seem crass, but perhaps she wasn't near a computer so e-mail wasn't an option, and she didn't want to wait for snail mail to bring you a sympathy card or note. And she might not have wanted to call because she feared interrupting you while you were busy dealing with funeral arrangements, relatives, etc. Since you no longer consider her a friend (I'm assuming she knows this or at least has noticed you had been avoiding her or been cool to her), she may also have been worried that a call wouldn't be welcome.

Since she texted you on the day of the funeral, it's possible that she didn't get the voice mail until then. Stuff happens with phones (batteries die, they get left in the car, people turn them off or silence them and forget to turn the power or sound back on). And she realized it was too late to come to the funeral or send flowers, but she wanted you to have her message of condolence ASAP.

So in answer to your questions: No, texting is not an etiquette-approved method of sending condolences. And no, you're not overreacting. You are totally within your rights to feel gobsmacked by the gesture, especially in a time of grief.

If my assumption about her getting the VM late is correct, she may also be a subscriber to the "now or never" school of expressing condolences -- the belief that they must be given before or during the funeral, or not at all. I realize that there are some traditions in which this doesn't happen; Jews have the funeral ASAP after the death, followed by the shiva. But the family I grew up in (Catholic, for the record, and I'm not implying all Catholics think like this -- just my family) seemed to treat post-funeral expressions of sympathy (beyond a casual "Heard about your dad; I'm so sorry") like a St. Patrick's Day card sent on March 18 -- too little, too late.

[HiJinx]

Thank you all.  You've given me different points of view that have helped me to think that perhaps this wasn't as bad as I thought.  I do still think she was a bit thoughtless, but reading different takes on the situation has really eased the impact.  Truly, thank you all so much. 

Now, at the risk of sounding sarcastic, I have another question.  I really don't intend for this to be sarcastic, but I've been writing out thank you cards and this situation has me scratching my head.  Must I send a TY card for the cell phone text message?  I'm thinking that I don't, but if I do send one, it would be very difficult for me to compose a heartfelt personal message.  I'll just have to sign my name under the pre-printed message and smack a stamp on it. 

[Sharnita]

Are you sending thank you cards for people who simply send a card or sign the book at the visitation?  If not then it seems silly to send one for a text.  If all those people get cards then I think it is fine either way.

[ClaireC79]

she sent you a text I wouldn't see it as being wrong to thank her by the same method

[bah12]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sending condolences by test is odd, but it may be possible that she wanted to get something out to you quickly, but didn't want to burden you with a phone call when you were so busy and grieving...not to mention how awkward it might be considering you haven't spoken in a while.

Your loss is so fresh and your grief is understandably strong.  At a time of such heightened emotion, I see nothing wrong with sending S a test that simply says "thank you for your thoughts" and then thinking about how you really feel about her method of contacting you after you had some time to settle down.

[TootsNYC]

The official etiquette is that every written letter of condolence (i.e., not cards w/ simple signatures) should be met with a letter in return. If she had written it on note paper the way she should have, this would be a slam-dunk answer.

And though it may seem tempting to send a text in response to her text, two rudenesses do not make a right.

So that would say, to me, that you owe her some sort of personal response, since she SENT you a personal response. (and it was heartfelt, even if it was delivered outside the letter of the rule).

And I'd go further and vote that since *you* know the proper form, you should use it.

Set a good example.

And I am sorry for your pain.

Came back to say: I would vote also for firing off a fast return text that says simply, "thanks. it means a lot." But this is not a substitute for the later letter; it is simply a place holder, bcs most text messages are responded to right away (whereas letters happen more slowly)

[bopper]

Would you like to reach out to this friend? Re-establish a relationship?

Either way, you could use a thank you card to just briefly thank her for her thoughts or to say something more extensive to try to reestablish things.

[cicero]

I am very sorry for your loss.

I think that it may not have been the most appropriate thing to do, but I am wondering if she just wanted to make sure you would get the message quickly.

[Thipu1]

A woman in her fifties should know how to write a condolence letter on a real piece of paper with a real pen.  It doesn't have to be long.  It doesn't have to be florid but it has to be personal.

I don't think a text message would be appropriate for this sort of thing.  I don't even think an E-mail would be appropriate.  Death and bereavement are as old as time.  At such times, it's reasonable to expect a traditional missive.  I've written them and I've written TYNs for them. 

Writing a condolence letter can be hard but it's also soothing in a way.  You have to think about your relationship to the deceased and your relationship to the person who will receive the letter.  That's a good way of really sort out what these people mean to you and what you mean to them.   

[kennedar]

[I don't think a text message would be appropriate for this sort of thing.  I don't even think an E-mail would be appropriate.  Death and bereavement are as old as time.  At such times, it's reasonable to expect a traditional missive.  I've written them and I've written TYNs for them. 
[/quote]

I disagree with this. I had a friend that was in a similar situation. We had stopped talking a few months before because of a number of issues, and neither of us had any desire to become friends again. When her dad was diagnosed with cancer, I wanted to let her know that I knew and her family was in my prayers without putting her on the spot. So I sent her an email. I figured that it was less formal than a letter or a card, which both seemed to personal to me at that point. A phone call was out of the question, so I sent her an email.

[HiJinx]

Wow!  Thanks again! 

I don't remember which of you said it, but after all, 2 wrongs don't make a right.  I was raised better and I suppose that the right thing to do would be to send a TY card with a generic "thank you for your thoughts" or something to that effect.

No, I have no desire to reach out to this friend since it seems that in the last few months, when I did need her, I was grasping at air.  We never had words and she may not be aware that there is a problem between us.  In recent years, we haven't seen each other often.  Although we live in the same town, 6-8 months would pass between phone calls or gab sessions and then when we met, we'd pick right up where we left off.  But after the situation a few months ago, that is just not going to happen anymore.