Friend drama

[HushHush]

This is my first post so if it is in the wrong forum, please feel free to let me know.

First, let me preface by saying that I'm 27, a divorced single parent who has done quite a lot of living since I've been out of high school.  My newly single status has led me to start attending a single's church to meet other singles and hopefully no longer be single.  This leads me to be friends with people who are in their early twenties but the age difference in my girlfriends doesn't bother me as I chose mature women as girlfriends.

A few months ago, I was attending a game night at one girl's house, Ashley.  We're okay friends but due to past experiences, she wasn't a confidante by any means.  During the course of the evening, we played a game with a group of people called 'I Never' which involves a lot of moving around and people banging into each other unintentionally.

The next day I received a phone call from Ashley's roommate, Mary Ann, who stated that they had a hole in a wall and they had decided that I had been the one to do it and they wanted me to buy some spackle to fix it.  When she said that I should take responsibility for my actions, I almost lost it.  When I finally recovered my powers of speech, I stated that I didn't remember doing anything that would have caused a hole in a wall but if they were 100 % sure that it was me, I'll buy the spackle.  Mary Ann tried to say at that point not to worry about it and they will take care of it but I interrupted by saying that it wasn't a problem and I'd take care of it.  Very frostily, I admit.

After I got off the phone, I borrowed six dollars from my sister and drove over to their house that instant.  When I got there, I, very politely, asked for my swimming suit I had loaned Mary Ann (it had been brand new) and my cookie sheets from the previous night.  The swimming suit had black marks on it from the trunk of her car.  I asked if I could take some pictures of the hole and it was the size of a silver dollar.  I expected something the size of a fist.  Before I left, I pulled the six dollars out of my pocket and said that I wasn't sure when I'd be able to get to a hardware store next but I wanted them to be able to fix the hole as soon as possible so here is the money for the spackle.

I was livid and didn't speak to Ashley for a week until she came up to me the following Sunday and asked, in front of a big group of mutual friends who knew what had happened, if she could speak to me.  I told her that I didn't have anything to say to her at that time and she huffed off after saying "oh yeah, that's mature."  Well, the mature thing to do would have been to call me privately.  After her display, friends pressured me into listening to her side of the story so I called her privately the next day.  She stated that she didn't know that Mary Ann had called me and she still had my six dollars and that her defense was she was still young.  She's 21 and Mary Ann is 18.  I told her that it had been presented to me that they had discussed it together on who might have done this and Mary Ann had been designated to call me.  I told her that I appreciated her apology but I wasn't ready to be friends yet and I would never have asked a friend, who had given me hundreds of dollars in new or barely worn clothes over the last year, to pay for something that had been an accident.  I would have chalked it up to 'thats what happens when you have people over and it was an accident'.

Over the last few months, I've been polite to both of them but not friendly.  If they ask me a question, I'll answer it but I don't counter with my own questions. 

So, I suppose my etiquette question is, did I handle the whole thing appropriately and am I ever obligated to be friends with either of these girls again as we have a ton of mutual friends?  Was I right to be offended by the request when it wasn't given at the time and there was no proof that it was me?  If it had been pointed out at the time and it was me, I would have gladly paid for the repairs.

Sorry for the book on my first visit.  Thanks for your input.

Charlotte

[graceh9]

I think the way you handled it was acceptable -- it is hard to know what
to say when someone is as rude as they were -- paying and then snubbing was I think absolutely correct --

FRankly -- these people are WAY too young and immature for you -- try to find friends who are older, more experienced, more mature -- and cut your losses here
this is beyond junior high -- it is kindergarten behavior on their part

find organizations you can participate in where people are at a more similar life stage to your own -- while some very young women are mature -- these are not - and odds are not good if you h ang out with teenagers

[wetblanket]

did I handle the whole thing appropriately and am I ever obligated to be friends with either of these girls again as we have a ton of mutual friends?  Was I right to be offended by the request when it wasn't given at the time and there was no proof that it was me?

I think the way you handled it was reasonable under the circumstances.  No, you don't have to be friends with these women anymore.  Sounds like it's time to make new friends though.

[fklwmn]

hmmm... I'm not sure if maybe you overreacted (it would depend on the tone Mary Ann used when she called you, IMO) but you are never obligated to be friends with anyone.

I can see how, as someone a good deal older than your friends (6 years is a good deal when you are 21), it could have been an opportunity to kind of take them under your wing and show them a better way to have handled the situation, but if you'd rather not deal with them anymore that is completely your perogative.

I don't think your friend was rude to appoach you when you were in a group b/c she asked to speak with you privately. It would have been rude for her to come up and begin to hash things out in front of others. And if you told her that you have nothing to say to her in front of these people then, IMO, that was rude.

FWIW, I would have probably paid the $6 for something i did not believe I did in order to salvage a firendship. But had I been approached in a way that made me not want to remain friends, I would have politely ask exactlyhow they 'KNOW' tht I was the one who made the hole, considering the night's activities, and kept my money.

[Lisbeth]

Welcome to the forum!

I probably would have handled some parts of this differently:

1) I can understand you getting upset at Mary Ann when she told you you should take responsibility for your actions.  But I think getting huffy turned out to be counterproductive.  I think I would have said, "You know, this thing seems different from the way I remember.  I'd like to meet with you and Ashley and go over what happened so we're all on the same page about what I'm responsible for."

2) I think getting pissed off at Ashley the way you did was not helpful.  I think you were justifiably mad at Mary Ann for her patronizing you and for her damaging your property, but refusing to speak to Ashley doesn't come across to me as mature.

3) If indeed you were responsible for the damage to the wall, then I have to agree with Mary Ann that you should help them pay for the repairs.  I agree that it's quite possible that you were not responsible, but I think a rational discussion to determine that is in order.

If you want to be friends with them again, then my advice is to not get huffy and refuse to talk to them, but to insist that everyone deal with each other with all cards on the table.

[Twik]

The maturity difference between 18 and 27 is significant. There are some things you can't rush, and experience is one of them.

Obviously, asking random guests to pay for every little scratch and ding (especially when you have organized the games, and know that they're going to get physical) is a great way to ensure that in future you'll have fewer guests. On the other hand, you might make allowances for someone who's very new to the concept of hosting, and may be thinking of how Mom and Dad would make her pay "as a lesson" if she broke a wall.

[Chartreuse]

I agree with the other posters above me on this.  You handled it reasonably, thought not ideally.  Then again, you're dealing with girls, and it sounds like they're not really on top of things yet.  You're a woman.  You're in different stages of life and definitely at different maturity stages.  You may have mutual friends, but I'd suggest finding other friends who are on your level.  It'll be a lot more satisfying.  What interests do you have?  Depending on what area of the country you're in, you probably can find a club or similar that covers your interests?

[HushHush]

Just to clarify...

I do have friends in all stages of the twenties so these weren't my only ones.  My closest friends are the same age as me.  Ashley just happens to have these game nights where lots of people, including those my age, show up so I have met people my age.  Like I said, I wasn't really that close to either of them but when I don't have my son, I'll hang out with various people depending on what sounds like the most fun.

Also, I paid the $6 to salvage the group relationships that go on.  I didn't want to force anyone to chose between who they would be friends with and I specifically said that if they were 100% positive it was me, then I would take care of it and pay what they asked.  I will speak to them if they speak to me but I don't have the time, energy or inclination to start a full-fledged friendship with people as emotionally time-consuming as they are.

I was upset with Ashley because after all I had given her (the clothes), she still hit me up for something there was no proof I had done.  I found out from a mutual friend that my initial impressions that those two had decided together who it might have been and Mary Ann had been appointed to call me where correct and not that Ashley didn't know Mary Ann was going to ask me for the $.

I love the opposing positions though.  Its good hear how I could have handled it better.

Charlotte

[Chartreuse]

I think your best way to handle it from here forward is to be polite to those gals, but you definitely aren't obligated to be extremely buddy buddy with them.  I certainly wouldn't be.  The fact that you paid them the $6 shows you were trying to smooth over things, even though you weren't obligated to.  The fact they even brought it up was gauche.

Move on, do your thing with other friends, be polite to the dynamic duo, but don't feel obligated to be anything more than polite.

[Buffy2424]

I think you're handling it just great with the being polite but not particularly friendly with them.  They sound like a bunch of dorks to make a big deal over it like that... but I agree; it's an maturity-related fuss. 

If Ashley is apologetic and friendly enough I'd probably end up becoming friendly with her again (but not giving her gifts in the future, obviously).

[CrayonOutlines]

Hi Charlotte,

Having thought about it and put myself in your situation, I would have felt very similarly to you.  My first reaction (and being me, I would have said it out loud) to Mary Ann would have been, "Are you serious?!?!"  And, like you, I would have given them money/spackle, politely asked for my things back, and written off the two of them as immature young women who I wouldn't want to be friends with at that point.

Actually, re-reading your post, it sounds like that's what you did.  You're telling us how upset you are about it, but it doesn't sound like you flamed these girls, uh, young women, or anything.  So, as long as you weren't rude (and remember that being politely icy is NOT being rude), you handled yourself just fine and you are only obligated to be polite to them in the future, but not be their friend.

[Slartibartfast]

I think you handled it okay (and I understand why, under the circumstances), but in an ideal, polite setting:

Mary Ann calls and says you have to spackle the hole.  You say "Oh, I'm sure that wasn't me; you must be mistaken.  Ask Ashley to call me, though, if she really needs help fixing it - as a friend, I'll do what I can."  Then take the rest of the communication through Ashley - if she asserts it was your fault, you can say "That's funny because I certainly don't remember doing that, but if you're sure, here's $6."  That puts it very clearly in Ashley's camp - if she accepts the $6, she's accusing you, and you have every right to let your friendship cool off.

When Ashley asked to speak to you, you probably should have gone off to the side with her (where others couldn't hear), let her say her thing, and then told her you knew she didn't value your friendship all that much so you aren't going to deal with this anymore.  You could then re-join the group of people there and leave the animosity just between you and Ashely - and again, it's up to Ashley to take responsibility for the rudeness of asking a guest to do a $6 repair on her house.

I don't think the way you did respond was wrong - but it wasn't particularly polite either.  The polite way isn't always right, but in this case I think there was a more neutral middle ground.

[VorFemme]

***VorFemme raises one eyebrow***

It sounds like you did a fairly good job of handling a bad situation without causing any problems with the larger group.  Did you make snarky remarks about not being friends "with the kiddies" any more due to their childish behaviour?  No?  Then you can stay out of Etiquette Hell.

Being frostily polite to those whose behaviour is unacceptable is an established prerogative.  You aren't ignoring their existence - which is reserved for those who are totally beyond the pale (mass murderers, child molesters, and their ilk come to mind as examples - some add adulterers to the list when religious groups make up the list of behaviours instead of secular groups).

As an observation - these "girls" at 18 and 21 are roughly 2/3 to 3/4 of your age.  To make this clear - 12 year olds don't tend to run around with 8 and 9 year olds, unless they are relatives or their parents play bridge together.  (Been there, done that, at least they weren't 6 years old.)

I understand that many church groups do not have a singles class for divorced former members of a couple............but you might want to check out future candidates for friendship (as opposed to acquaintances from class) for  experiences that tend to MATURE people beyond their years.

Not that there aren't a lot of gray-headed toddlers in some churches (Dad was a preacher and I remember that observation from thirty-five years ago) - but the "I'll hold my breathe until I turn blue unless you do what I want to do" people do tend to get recognized after a couple of decades in the group.............

It is harder to recognize whether it is a personality that will never change or a lack of experience that has left these two acting like high school kids trying to cover up that they had a party when their parents were out of the house instead of grown people who buy a small amount of spackle and just fix the hole!

[wetblanket]

You know what's weird about this?

Hitting a wall hard enough to put a hole in it seems like the kind of thing one would remember.  And anyone nearby would have noticed too.

So, yeah, it's pretty shocking to get a call out of the blue saying you damaged a wall the night before when you are quite sure you didn't.

Odd.

[sammycat]

I'm with Courtney on this one.  It doesn't sound to me like you were particularly rude to the 2 girls, but I also agree with wetblanket that there is something a bit weird about this.  I'm pretty sure I would remember if I had hit a wall hard enough to damage it.  Is it possible that they hit you up for the money as you are a bit older than them and they assumed you would have more money to cover the damage?  Also, the damage to your new bathing suit - I'm assuming you didn't ask her to pay for/replace it?  Under the circumstances I think you would have been justified in asking her to, but it showed class that you didn't.