Author Topic: Pregnancy/birth etiquette  (Read 63104 times)

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RedRuby

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #105 on: December 16, 2009, 07:17:12 PM »
1-) If a woman is breastfeeding and expresses her preferences to do it privately/not have any males see, don't exclaim 'But it's naaturallllllllllll!/But it's just you're husband's nephew!/any other type of dismissive comment while opening the door/curtain/yelling out that the unwanted people can come into the room, leaving the breastfeeding woman scuffling to protect her modesty.

2-) If you are in a breastfeeding woman's home and you do not want to see the breast, please feel free to go home/leave the room, instead of crying out 'Oh, no!' and making a song and dance of covering your eyes and turning your back.

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Mrs.E

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #106 on: December 20, 2009, 06:11:40 PM »
I know this was in the OP but I feel the need to add it again, since it is the only real problem I have had since I have been pregnant.

Do not tell the MTB all about your episiotomy or lack there of, causing you to "rip from end to end". I have heard this story 5 times from different people.  I know it is funny to you now, but seeing as this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect, all your horror stories are freaking me out!

I experienced the same thing! I think some people think that since something happened to them that it means it happens to most people and that's not always the case. I think maybe some people get a kick out scaring moms-to-be. If it makes you feel any better, I know WAY more women who've had positive experiences than bad experiences in this arena.

Someone earlier in the thread mentioned that you shouldn't lecture anyone about circumcision. Pod. It is an extremely personal decision with pros and cons on both sides so it's best left private.

One thing I learned from having my baby recently was that some people are so worried about bothering the new parents that they avoid them completely and the parents may not want that. We spent days after we first got home from the hospital calling/emailing friends letting them know not only was it ok for them to come visit, we wanted them to. We wanted to show our little guy off to our friends and were sad we weren't being given the chance to do so. I think the best thing to do in this situation is to ask if the parents want visitors either way and then believe them.



Thank you! I switched from a doctor to a midwife about 3 weeks ago and she told me that her percentage rate on tearing or episiotomies is under 5%, so I am very comfortable now!

RedRuby

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #107 on: December 20, 2009, 07:07:04 PM »
I know this was in the OP but I feel the need to add it again, since it is the only real problem I have had since I have been pregnant.

Do not tell the MTB all about your episiotomy or lack there of, causing you to "rip from end to end". I have heard this story 5 times from different people.  I know it is funny to you now, but seeing as this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect, all your horror stories are freaking me out!

I experienced the same thing! I think some people think that since something happened to them that it means it happens to most people and that's not always the case. I think maybe some people get a kick out scaring moms-to-be. If it makes you feel any better, I know WAY more women who've had positive experiences than bad experiences in this arena.

Someone earlier in the thread mentioned that you shouldn't lecture anyone about circumcision. Pod. It is an extremely personal decision with pros and cons on both sides so it's best left private.

One thing I learned from having my baby recently was that some people are so worried about bothering the new parents that they avoid them completely and the parents may not want that. We spent days after we first got home from the hospital calling/emailing friends letting them know not only was it ok for them to come visit, we wanted them to. We wanted to show our little guy off to our friends and were sad we weren't being given the chance to do so. I think the best thing to do in this situation is to ask if the parents want visitors either way and then believe them.



Thank you! I switched from a doctor to a midwife about 3 weeks ago and she told me that her percentage rate on tearing or episiotomies is under 5%, so I am very comfortable now!

I'm glad to hear it! I had the same fear and was able to find a doctor with a similar rate (I made it through with no epi or tearing so I really, really, really want him to deliver all my children!).

livluvlaf

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #108 on: August 30, 2010, 06:11:55 PM »
Being pregnant is not a spectator sport .... I know my body is changing is shape & size. You don't need to scrutinize & make comment about my appearance with each new time you see me. Positive or negative, it still makes me feel scrutinized and judged. My body will do whatever it need to do to produce a healthy baby, I have little control over certain physical characteristics. Pregnancy - It is what it is.

JonGirl

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #109 on: August 31, 2010, 07:16:08 AM »
While grandchildren are a wonderful blessing, they are not something you are "owed" by your adult children.  Whether your children and their partners are child-free by choice or for some other reason, they don't want to hear all about what a disappointment this is to you, or for you to try to change their minds.  

POD.  To add to that, grandparents should be mindful that they are not the baby's mother or father and unless the welfare of the child is genuinely at stake, they should keep criticisms of their offsprings' parenting skills to themselves.  (With an exception for solicited advice.)  Grandparents have had the opportunity to raise their own children.  Now it is time for them to step off and allow their children to do the same.

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sweetgirl

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #110 on: August 31, 2010, 09:02:37 AM »
I have a few more.

Do not assume that because you have had a child or children, and have used your methods with them to success that other mothers or new mums want you forcing them onto them. It is fine to offer advice when asked but do so in a matter that is offering a new way to do something,not making them feel stupid or incompetant cause they didnt know or have chosen another way to do it. Alternatively saying to them "i told you months ago to try that" is also not helpful.

Dont insist to mothers,regardless of if its in a joking tone, all that they have to look forward too in their upcoming pregnancies. While alot of women get pregnancy symptoms some dont. Not every woman is going to get morning sickness,put on a bunch of weight,waddle like a duck or crave weird things. Also saying "summer baby? pwoar. the heats going to kill you" isn't helpful either.

Pregnant women,while we know your body is going through alot, we also don't want to hear you constantly whinge about how you are sick of the pregnancy and detailed lists of what you are going through. If I ask you how you are feeling then fine, but I dont want to hear it every day. Those who haven't had babies aren't always going to be able to sympathise, and those who have had babies have been there before too.

It is not your business to lecture or dictate what the current medical birthing board, whatever says you should be doing with your child. If you choose to follow everything by the book then thats your perogodiv,but if someone chooses to do it less strictly and their way...thats their choice. If there child is thriving and growing, then they are obviously okay regardless of what "your" midwife has suggested to do.

Don't ask somebody their feeding methods if you are not going to respect their decision or are going to go on a tangent of why "breast is best" or "formula is easier".....it doesn't matter. Its not your business. Its not your business. Its not your business.

Dont gloat. About anything. Your child may have the best the market advises in cot,wing whatever. If you can afford that great. SOme of us don't require it, or will buy a 2nd hand used one. Someobdy who has had a difficult pregnancy or delivery doesnt want you mentioning it everytime you talk about kids how easy you had it. In the same fashion, somebody who hs had a realively easy pregnancy, does not want to be made to feel bad because they didnt go through 35 hours of labour or 4 mths of morning sickness.

Its not a competition. Children develop at their own rates. Dont be dissappointed that my child was walking by a certain age, and yours hasn't. They will when they want too. But also don't ask me when my kid did this by and then say "oh baby einstein did that at this month" to make me feel like my child isn't progressing the way they should.

DO NOT use the excuse you are eating for 2 for gluttony. While you can indulge in cravings, and eat what makes YOU feel better if you are going through nausea etc; you should not be eating double serves of meals everytime or eating junk food prominetly because "baby" wanted it. That may be fine once or twice a week,but not every single day. I'm pretty sure baby wants a nie balanced meal once in a while too.

MaggieB

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #111 on: August 31, 2010, 11:02:36 AM »
DO NOT use the excuse you are eating for 2 for gluttony. While you can indulge in cravings, and eat what makes YOU feel better if you are going through nausea etc; you should not be eating double serves of meals everytime or eating junk food prominetly because "baby" wanted it. That may be fine once or twice a week,but not every single day. I'm pretty sure baby wants a nie balanced meal once in a while too.

I agree with most of your previous post, but the part I quoted really isn't an etiquette issue.  What a woman does or does not eat throughout her pregnancy is really between her and her doctor.  It may not be healthy to eat everything in sight, but it isn't impolite.  It's ruder to pay that much attention to what another woman is eating.

sweetgirl

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #112 on: August 31, 2010, 11:23:40 AM »
maggie B I agree with you. I actually dont notice what my pregnant friends and relatives eat because they tend to eat normally, with the odd craving chucked in. My surrogant niece however is on fb constantly remarking on her food habits and what she is eating and I find it amusing that she was complaining she was getting "fat" at 8 weeks pregnant with the foods she was eating. I know she isn't taking baby vitamins either however not my business so I don't say anything. I just wonder how many women who complain that they put on so much weight while pregnant used the "i'm eating for 2" statement.

MaggieB

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #113 on: August 31, 2010, 11:27:59 AM »
maggie B I agree with you. I actually dont notice what my pregnant friends and relatives eat because they tend to eat normally, with the odd craving chucked in. My surrogant niece however is on fb constantly remarking on her food habits and what she is eating and I find it amusing that she was complaining she was getting "fat" at 8 weeks pregnant with the foods she was eating. I know she isn't taking baby vitamins either however not my business so I don't say anything. I just wonder how many women who complain that they put on so much weight while pregnant used the "i'm eating for 2" statement.

Oh, I certainly didn't mean to call you rude.  It is hard not to notice, especially with Facebook and all that.   :)

Auntie Mame

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #114 on: September 01, 2010, 01:40:21 PM »
I do know that sometimes, no matter how much a woman wants to, they just do not have the supply to breastfeed. <snip> I'm all for breastfeeding whenever possible, but sometimes it just isn't.

That may be true, but there is a huge debate over how prevalent such problems actually are.  That is why it's no one's place to get in her business about it, unless it's to support her decision and she is open to suggestions on how to increase her supply or change techniques.  I assume if she is very pro-bf she already knows about LLL, but if not I'd suggest talking to them if she thinks she is having problems.  It is a complicated issue and they are the experts.

Those women were HORRIBLE to my SIL and made her cry.  I know many other women who felt attacked by the LLL.
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Mopsy428

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #115 on: September 06, 2010, 01:03:25 PM »
I'm not sure why having a surprise shower is rude. Most of the showers I've been to--baby and wedding--have been surprises. Of course, just because that's how it's done in my neck of the woods doesn't mean that it's right, but I've never heard of a surprise shower being rude.

Other things:

-Do not call the parents-to-be while the Mom is in labor to ask stupid questions like "Are you going to your brother Jim's wedding in 6 months?"...or any other questions for that matter.

-Do not assume that if the mother has been in labor for awhile that there is a serious problem, and then proceed to call people and whip them up in a frenzy of panic.

And yes, I've seen people do this.  ::)

bduckie

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #116 on: September 06, 2010, 10:51:29 PM »
Please don't ask the mother when they are having their next while she is still in the hospital after the first!

Seriously, give her time to recover.

(this happened to me, both from visitors and hospital staff. I mean really, give me at least a week to get over this one first. I think the worst was the midwife whilst I was still in the birthing suite, literally less than an hour after birth  ::) )
I don't know where everyone got the idea that life was meant to be fair, but they sure got a bad deal with that message. Once you know fairness is not required, is not compulsory, and in fact often has nothing to do with anything, you can get on with it.

dawnfire

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #117 on: September 07, 2010, 09:06:54 AM »

Those women were HORRIBLE to my SIL and made her cry.  I know many other women who felt attacked by the LLL.

that's why i'm reluctant to contact the LLL when i had problems with lactation.

MrsJWine

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #118 on: September 07, 2010, 09:16:05 AM »
Don't tell a woman who has needed C-sections that if she'd only done X, Y, or Z, it would have turned out differently.  Are many C-sections done in this country unnecessary?  Yes, but not all of them, and it's not an outsider's business to speculate on a friend's situation, especially if she's already feeling sadness and self-doubt over the whole thing.  It's also not helpful to tell someone who is a little sad over it that she has a healthy baby, and she'd better be grateful for that, at least.  One can be both delighted and happy with the healthy baby and disappointed and sad over the way she got that baby.  Human beings can have more than one emotion at once.  If she's depressed, or if her disappointment rules her life, she may need counseling or a new perspective on things, but it's not helpful to be a jerk about it, and a small amount of disappointment is totally normal and natural.


Those women were HORRIBLE to my SIL and made her cry.  I know many other women who felt attacked by the LLL.

that's why i'm reluctant to contact the LLL when i had problems with lactation.

I see them as a useful tool.  They have so much knowledge that it's a shame to pass it up, but I'd never invest in a group emotionally.  I use their website for its information, and that's it.  My supply has started dwindling over the last couple of months, and I've done everything I can.  My daughter is thriving quite nicely despite my having to give her formula each evening.  So far, she has not sprouted any extra limbs or gotten any brain damage.


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ginlyn32

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #119 on: September 07, 2010, 01:15:27 PM »
Do not comment on how other people decide to help the new mother, especially if the new mother is a single mom. She doesn't have the support of a SO, she needs someone to help her!

DH after his boss's daughter gave birth, was complaining how he and his wife both took a week off work to stay home and help with the baby. His daughter is 25yo, single, and it's her first baby, and their first grandbaby. So...yeah. I can totally see why they'd want to help.

He said "she just gave birth...it's not that bad". Yeah...So I asked him when the last time he had a baby...oh yeah, that's right...NEVER!

ginlyn
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