Author Topic: Pregnancy/birth etiquette  (Read 59397 times)

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bduckie

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #120 on: September 06, 2010, 10:51:29 PM »
Please don't ask the mother when they are having their next while she is still in the hospital after the first!

Seriously, give her time to recover.

(this happened to me, both from visitors and hospital staff. I mean really, give me at least a week to get over this one first. I think the worst was the midwife whilst I was still in the birthing suite, literally less than an hour after birth  ::) )
I don't know where everyone got the idea that life was meant to be fair, but they sure got a bad deal with that message. Once you know fairness is not required, is not compulsory, and in fact often has nothing to do with anything, you can get on with it.

dawnfire

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #121 on: September 07, 2010, 09:06:54 AM »

Those women were HORRIBLE to my SIL and made her cry.  I know many other women who felt attacked by the LLL.

that's why i'm reluctant to contact the LLL when i had problems with lactation.

MrsJWine

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #122 on: September 07, 2010, 09:16:05 AM »
Don't tell a woman who has needed C-sections that if she'd only done X, Y, or Z, it would have turned out differently.  Are many C-sections done in this country unnecessary?  Yes, but not all of them, and it's not an outsider's business to speculate on a friend's situation, especially if she's already feeling sadness and self-doubt over the whole thing.  It's also not helpful to tell someone who is a little sad over it that she has a healthy baby, and she'd better be grateful for that, at least.  One can be both delighted and happy with the healthy baby and disappointed and sad over the way she got that baby.  Human beings can have more than one emotion at once.  If she's depressed, or if her disappointment rules her life, she may need counseling or a new perspective on things, but it's not helpful to be a jerk about it, and a small amount of disappointment is totally normal and natural.


Those women were HORRIBLE to my SIL and made her cry.  I know many other women who felt attacked by the LLL.

that's why i'm reluctant to contact the LLL when i had problems with lactation.

I see them as a useful tool.  They have so much knowledge that it's a shame to pass it up, but I'd never invest in a group emotionally.  I use their website for its information, and that's it.  My supply has started dwindling over the last couple of months, and I've done everything I can.  My daughter is thriving quite nicely despite my having to give her formula each evening.  So far, she has not sprouted any extra limbs or gotten any brain damage.


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ginlyn32

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #123 on: September 07, 2010, 01:15:27 PM »
Do not comment on how other people decide to help the new mother, especially if the new mother is a single mom. She doesn't have the support of a SO, she needs someone to help her!

DH after his boss's daughter gave birth, was complaining how he and his wife both took a week off work to stay home and help with the baby. His daughter is 25yo, single, and it's her first baby, and their first grandbaby. So...yeah. I can totally see why they'd want to help.

He said "she just gave birth...it's not that bad". Yeah...So I asked him when the last time he had a baby...oh yeah, that's right...NEVER!

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Asha

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #124 on: November 15, 2010, 07:05:41 PM »
Another addition out of DH's and my own experience - Don't tell couples who are expecting their first child how they had better enjoy sleeping in / travelling / freedom now because it's all gone once the baby is born.  Every birth and baby are different and every family handles their new time management their own way.

Under the umbrella of "keep your opinions to yourself unless specfically asked" - Don't tell new parents to be how naive they are being.

And finally - Don't assume the the FTB is clueless about what the MTB wants.

Emmy

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #125 on: November 25, 2010, 10:31:49 AM »
DO NOT use the excuse you are eating for 2 for gluttony. While you can indulge in cravings, and eat what makes YOU feel better if you are going through nausea etc; you should not be eating double serves of meals everytime or eating junk food prominetly because "baby" wanted it. That may be fine once or twice a week,but not every single day. I'm pretty sure baby wants a nie balanced meal once in a while too.

I agree with most of your previous post, but the part I quoted really isn't an etiquette issue.  What a woman does or does not eat throughout her pregnancy is really between her and her doctor.  It may not be healthy to eat everything in sight, but it isn't impolite.  It's ruder to pay that much attention to what another woman is eating.

POD.  On the other hand, be respectful if a pregnant woman says she is not hungry or is not eating as much as you think she should.  Especially do not make comments about how the mother is starving the baby or how the mother thinks her figure is more important than the baby's health.  What and how much a woman chooses to eat during pregnancy is between her and her doctor. 

A woman I know (who delivered a healthy weight baby) said her MIL was talking to the baby and said "you poor thing, you are so skinny because your mommy didn't want to gain too much weight".

Another addition out of DH's and my own experience - Don't tell couples who are expecting their first child how they had better enjoy sleeping in / travelling / freedom now because it's all gone once the baby is born.  Every birth and baby are different and every family handles their new time management their own way.

Under the umbrella of "keep your opinions to yourself unless specfically asked" - Don't tell new parents to be how naive they are being.

And finally - Don't assume the the FTB is clueless about what the MTB wants.

I'll also POD this.

I think misery loves company.  Why do so many people get pleasure out of telling new parents horror stories about the birthing process/being parents?

MrsJWine

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #126 on: November 25, 2010, 10:56:22 AM »
Whenever people told me that, I tell them that IF I ate [insert food--pretty much any food--here], I WOULD be sick, and then the baby wouldn't even have what I'd eaten earlier that day.  I gained a total of six pounds with my second pregnancy (I lost about 15 first trimester).  I still had an 8-lb baby three weeks early.


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pendragon1980

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #127 on: November 25, 2010, 02:08:59 PM »
While grandchildren are a wonderful blessing, they are not something you are "owed" by your adult children.  Whether your children and their partners are child-free by choice or for some other reason, they don't want to hear all about what a disappointment this is to you, or for you to try to change their minds.  

slight hijack...

I may be saving this quote for later on, snowball, since DH and I are discussing keep our family to us two plus pets, and my only other sibling cannot have children due to medical issues.  I think the fact I'm the only available child to have grandchildren puts me in a tight spot, whether or not we want them.

LadyR

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #128 on: February 06, 2011, 12:54:22 AM »
A pregnant woman is a person. She is not just a gestational carrier. It is polite to ask her how she is doing, about her work/interest/life, instead of just asking about the baby.


Hollanda

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #129 on: January 30, 2012, 09:37:29 AM »
A pregnant woman is a person. She is not just a gestational carrier. It is polite to ask her how she is doing, about her work/interest/life, instead of just asking about the baby.

Just read this and felt the need to bump it back up.

Pod to the above. Also, a mother is not JUST a mother. She still has her own brain cells (just about!), her own mind and her own personality. Assuming that a new mother does nothing but look after the baby can be a dangerous assumption...dangerous in that it assumes that the mother has lost her identity completely.  Balance is the key issue and mums need to be able to talk to adults about things not related to their little bundle of joy.
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BabylonSister

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #130 on: January 30, 2012, 06:48:39 PM »
Upon hearing that a woman is pregnant again shortly after having given birth, or while already having a large number of children, do not ask "Don't you know what's causing that?" or say "You need to buy a TV." You're not funny.

bduckie

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #131 on: January 30, 2012, 10:02:30 PM »
Upon hearing that a woman is pregnant again shortly after having given birth, or while already having a large number of children, do not ask "Don't you know what's causing that?" or say "You need to buy a TV." You're not funny.
My answer to something like that is to keep a dead serious face, and with sincere curiousity ask "No, what does cause that?"  >:D
I don't know where everyone got the idea that life was meant to be fair, but they sure got a bad deal with that message. Once you know fairness is not required, is not compulsory, and in fact often has nothing to do with anything, you can get on with it.

hellgirl

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #132 on: January 31, 2012, 12:16:31 AM »
Upon hearing that a woman is pregnant again shortly after having given birth, or while already having a large number of children, do not ask "Don't you know what's causing that?" or say "You need to buy a TV." You're not funny.
My answer to something like that is to keep a dead serious face, and with sincere curiousity ask "No, what does cause that?"  >:D

My answer, with a straight face, was "Yes. I'm pretty sure it's the sex."

lollylegs

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #133 on: February 03, 2012, 03:20:20 AM »
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

katycoo

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #134 on: February 03, 2012, 06:43:17 AM »
5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...