Pregnancy/birth etiquette

[Emmy]

I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.   

I imagine people who are saying that are jealous of you.  

Pregnant women and new mothers to be also don't need a laundry list of the problems you think their body will have during the pregnancy and after the delivery.  I think some people love telling women that their bodies will be permanently changed for the worse. 

If a couple does not have children in the timetable you think is right, do not badger them.  "You know, you are not getting any younger" as a comment to somebody having not started a family yet is very dumb and annoying thing to say.  Nobody is getting any younger and I am sure everybody is aware of that.  Equally annoying is pointing out the age difference between you and your future kids.  When I was 25, I had somebody tell me if I waited too much longer to have kids, I'd be attending my kid's high school graduation in a walker.  It was ridiculous because I was only 25, but it would be just be as rude if I was 40 years old. 

The couple gets to decide the size of their family, whether it is 0 kids, 1 kid, 15 kids, or anything in between.  Nobody has the right to tell a couple they need to have more kids or they have had too many.

Why? That totally confuses me. The comments listed are completely rude, but why infer jealousy from them?

I could be wrong, but often when some women get gleeful about the idea of another woman losing her nice figure, I can't help but to think that some of that wishful thinking stems from jealousy.

[Lisbeth]

I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.   

I imagine people who are saying that are jealous of you.  

Pregnant women and new mothers to be also don't need a laundry list of the problems you think their body will have during the pregnancy and after the delivery.  I think some people love telling women that their bodies will be permanently changed for the worse. 

If a couple does not have children in the timetable you think is right, do not badger them.  "You know, you are not getting any younger" as a comment to somebody having not started a family yet is very dumb and annoying thing to say.  Nobody is getting any younger and I am sure everybody is aware of that.  Equally annoying is pointing out the age difference between you and your future kids.  When I was 25, I had somebody tell me if I waited too much longer to have kids, I'd be attending my kid's high school graduation in a walker.  It was ridiculous because I was only 25, but it would be just be as rude if I was 40 years old. 

The couple gets to decide the size of their family, whether it is 0 kids, 1 kid, 15 kids, or anything in between.  Nobody has the right to tell a couple they need to have more kids or they have had too many.

Why? That totally confuses me. The comments listed are completely rude, but why infer jealousy from them?

I could be wrong, but often when some women get gleeful about the idea of another woman losing her nice figure, I can't help but to think that some of that wishful thinking stems from jealousy.

It could also just be sadism-getting a kick out of making other people suffer.

[emmalou]

If the couple decides not to announce that they are going into labour, and is going to let people know after the baby is born and they have had a chance to bond, bath, feed and rest, please accept this with good grace  It will not really make a difference for you to wait an extra couple of hours/days for a visit, but it makes a huge difference for the couple and the baby.

[Switcher]

Not sure if this has come up yet, and I apologize if I'm being repetitive.

Expectant Mothers- Please don't grab anyone's hand and hold it to your stomach. It's just kind of awkward, especially if the movement of the baby is something that only you are capable of feeling at that time.

Outsiders- Don't tell a pregnant woman that they look like a beached whale, that they have swallowed a watermelon, or anything else that sounds like a funny way of telling them they are huge. If she has been joking about it, that's different, but don't start in with "Wow, your stomach is big".

[Paper Roses]

It is extremely rude to point at a pregnant woman's abdomen, widen your eyes and exclaim, "Are you SURE you're not having TRIPLETS?"  So don't do it.  Ever.

[Paper Roses]

7.  If a pregnant woman does not tell you of the birth, do not ask about it.  What happened may be too painful a subject for her and also may not be your business.

15.  Also for new parents: Please do not assume that everyone is entertained by unsolicited stories of the birth.  Keep it private unless asked for.

Don't these two contradict each other?  It's rude to talk about the birth without being asked, but it's also rude to ask?

[Lisbeth]

7.  If a pregnant woman does not tell you of the birth, do not ask about it.  What happened may be too painful a subject for her and also may not be your business.

15.  Also for new parents: Please do not assume that everyone is entertained by unsolicited stories of the birth.  Keep it private unless asked for.

Don't these two contradict each other?  It's rude to talk about the birth without being asked, but it's also rude to ask?

Well, with number 7, I'm saying that if a pregnant woman doesn't mention the birth, it's because she may have miscarried, had an abortion, had a stillbirth, or given the child up for adoption-all of which have the potential to be really painful subjects, so it's best for the woman to initiate any discussion of what happened.

With number 15, I'm saying that not everyone is entertained by unsolicited stories of the delivery and the medical aspects, nor do they want to see videos of the birth or photos.  It's one thing to mention how happy and excited one is about one's new child, but that's as far as a new parent should go unless their audience member asks further.

[Paper Roses]

Ah, I see.  Well, then, maybe you should explain a little more in the first one.  You say "if a pregnant woman doesn't want to talk about the birth . . ." If a woman is pregnant, then "the birth" hasn't happened yet.  And you say "What happened may be . . . " yet there's no reason to believe anything has happened at all.  

So, I guess I mean I'm confused - do you mean, a formerly-pregnant woman?  Or a woman who you understood to be pregnant, but hasn't spoken about it and therefore it's possible she's somehow lost the pregnancy?


ETA:  Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked. 

[Lisbeth]

Ah, I see.  Well, then, maybe you should explain a little more in the first one.  You say "if a pregnant woman doesn't want to talk about the birth . . ." If a woman is pregnant, then "the birth" hasn't happened yet.  And you say "What happened may be . . . " yet there's no reason to believe anything has happened at all. 

So, I guess I mean I'm confused - do you mean, a formerly-pregnant woman?  Or a woman who you understood to be pregnant, but hasn't spoken about it and therefore it's possible she's somehow lost the pregnancy?

Yes, exactly.  A woman who was pregnant but did not announce the birth.

ETA:  Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked. 

Well, #15 is from the point of view that the woman's audience may not want to have to suck it up watching ultrasounds, videos, etc. that the proud new parents forced on them.  They should be asked and not taken for granted that they want to see them.

[Paper Roses]

ETA:  Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked. 

Well, #15 is from the point of view that the woman's audience may not want to have to suck it up watching ultrasounds, videos, etc. that the proud new parents forced on them.  They should be asked and not taken for granted that they want to see them.

Oh, I agree completely - the only reason I questioned it was when I read it in relation to the one about not asking about a birth, it seemed as though you were saying that it was rude to tell without being asked but it was also rude to ask, and that's why they seemed to contradict each other. 

I do agree that it's rude to assume that anyone and everyone will be enthralled with a minute-by-minute recap of one's birth experience. 

But if someone really does want to hear about it, and believe it or not, there are some who do, I don't think it's rude to ask, nor is it rude to tell about it if you are asked.

But now that I've read the qualifiers for the first one, I get that what you meant and what I interpreted are not the same thing anyway, so it's beside the point (my comment, that is).

[Switcher]

I just discovered a new one o.O

Pregnant Women- Please do not use your stomach as a battering ram. Having someone run in to you with their stomach is never fun- having them run in to you with a really large stomach full of baby is just awkward. I'm more than happy to move if you need me to, bumping against me repeatedly with your tummy is a little barbaric.

[Mrs.E]

I just discovered a new one o.O

Pregnant Women- Please do not use your stomach as a battering ram. Having someone run in to you with their stomach is never fun- having them run in to you with a really large stomach full of baby is just awkward. I'm more than happy to move if you need me to, bumping against me repeatedly with your tummy is a little barbaric.

Really?? People do that? I have become more careful not to touch anybody with my big belly! I bet it is slightly uncomfortable to be hit with a belly that is full of baby!

[Switcher]

Thankfully it was only my future sister in law...I hope she doesn't do it to strangers! But yes, it does kind of hurt a little...kind of like being hit in the small of the back with a watermelon.

Glad you don't do it with your tummy

[NOVA Lady]

Thankfully it was only my future sister in law...I hope she doesn't do it to strangers! But yes, it does kind of hurt a little...kind of like being hit in the small of the back with a watermelon.

Glad you don't do it with your tummy

These turn into the folks who use their strollers, with baby in them, to stop traffic!

[Hazelthyme]

ETA:  Re #15 - I'm not disagreeing with you at all, just saying that I don't mind being asked about childbirth and don't find it rude to be asked. 

Well, #15 is from the point of view that the woman's audience may not want to have to suck it up watching ultrasounds, videos, etc. that the proud new parents forced on them.  They should be asked and not taken for granted that they want to see them.

Oh, I agree completely - the only reason I questioned it was when I read it in relation to the one about not asking about a birth, it seemed as though you were saying that it was rude to tell without being asked but it was also rude to ask, and that's why they seemed to contradict each other. 

I do agree that it's rude to assume that anyone and everyone will be enthralled with a minute-by-minute recap of one's birth experience. 

But if someone really does want to hear about it, and believe it or not, there are some who do, I don't think it's rude to ask, nor is it rude to tell about it if you are asked.

But now that I've read the qualifiers for the first one, I get that what you meant and what I interpreted are not the same thing anyway, so it's beside the point (my comment, that is).

I think what it boils down to is, detailed birth stories are one of those things that make at least some people uncomfortable, some of the time ... so both the mother and the person she's speaking with should be aware of this, and tread carefully.  If you're in a public place, where others might overhear you without wanting to, that's not the time.  If you're somewhere private, and both parties are willing to talk about it, that's fine, so long as neither puts the other in the position of hearing/ asking for TMI.  In other words, unless this is your sister or BFF or someone who already knows your boundaries (and vice-versa), you can start out with something fairly vague like, "Did the delivery go smoothly?" or "Gee, it was a pretty tough birth," and then leave it at that *unless* the other person clearly indicates that they want more details.

-HB