Pregnancy/birth etiquette

[FoxPaws]

12.  The child's name is up to the parents.

So is finding out/revealing the child's gender - or not - and for that matter, announcing the pregnancy.

[NOVA Lady]

To follow up on caranfin, it is okay to ask, once, politely, about a person/couple's plans for children. However, take a refusal to discuss details as absolute. "I'll let you know when there's something to talk about" is a polite way of saying butt out.

No, actually, it's not polite to ask once.

Agree!!

If people want to talk about it, they will. But why are anyone's plans to have children or not anyone else's business.

[matf]

To follow up on caranfin, it is okay to ask, once, politely, about a person/couple's plans for children. However, take a refusal to discuss details as absolute. "I'll let you know when there's something to talk about" is a polite way of saying butt out.

No, actually, it's not polite to ask once.

Agree!!

If people want to talk about it, they will. But why are anyone's plans to have children or not anyone else's business.

I bow to the wisdom of Marina and Maria. I was unconsciously trying to excuse members of my immediate family who were asking. But y'all are right. It's NEVER appropriate.

[snowball's chance]

While grandchildren are a wonderful blessing, they are not something you are "owed" by your adult children.  Whether your children and their partners are child-free by choice or for some other reason, they don't want to hear all about what a disappointment this is to you, or for you to try to change their minds.  

[caranfin]

To follow up on caranfin, it is okay to ask, once, politely, about a person/couple's plans for children. However, take a refusal to discuss details as absolute. "I'll let you know when there's something to talk about" is a polite way of saying butt out.

No, actually, it's not polite to ask once.

Agree!!

If people want to talk about it, they will. But why are anyone's plans to have children or not anyone else's business.

I bow to the wisdom of Marina and Maria. I was unconsciously trying to excuse members of my immediate family who were asking. But y'all are right. It's NEVER appropriate.

Not everybody agrees that this is a rude question. It can be asked rudely, and the follow-up ("why not?") can be rude, but it is possible to ask it politely. If, for example, I'm not allowed to ask my own child if she plans to have children some day, I'd have to say we don't have much of a relationship.

[MyFamily]

If the new-mother has decided to take advantage of the wonderful HIPAA law that means the hospital cannot even admit the mother and baby are in the hospital AND has informed her husband to give out her room number to only a small handful of people, respect her wishes - she just gave birth, is tired and the stay in the hospital is so that she can rest before she goes home.  It is nothing personal, it is just that she's tired.

[NOVA Lady]

To follow up on caranfin, it is okay to ask, once, politely, about a person/couple's plans for children. However, take a refusal to discuss details as absolute. "I'll let you know when there's something to talk about" is a polite way of saying butt out.

No, actually, it's not polite to ask once.

Agree!!

If people want to talk about it, they will. But why are anyone's plans to have children or not anyone else's business.

I bow to the wisdom of Marina and Maria. I was unconsciously trying to excuse members of my immediate family who were asking. But y'all are right. It's NEVER appropriate.

Not everybody agrees that this is a rude question. It can be asked rudely, and the follow-up ("why not?") can be rude, but it is possible to ask it politely. If, for example, I'm not allowed to ask my own child if she plans to have children some day, I'd have to say we don't have much of a rel@tionship.

I do think there are exceptions for close relationships like my mother or my sister.

Though this topic is completely closed between me and my mother. We have a fantastic relationship anyhow.

But a random coworker/friend/distant family member? NO.

If people want to have children, others are usually aware of it... they talk about wanting them or liking them, and that open's the conversation. But if someone has never mentioned kids or wanting them... and you're not their husband or doctor... I dont see what the point in asking it.

[matf]

I do think there are exceptions for close rel@tionships like my mother or my sister.

Though this topic is completely closed between me and my mother. We have a fantastic rel@tionship anyhow.

But a random coworker/friend/distant family member? NO.

If people want to have children, others are usually aware of it... they talk about wanting them or liking them, and that open's the conversation. But if someone has never mentioned kids or wanting them... and you're not their husband or doctor... I dont see what the point in asking it.

Even if someone has mentioned wanting children in the future, I still think it's rude to ask about specific plans or timing. And the close relationships between parents and kids is why I originally said that it's rude to ask more than once. You can ask once if you're close, but let the person decide if they want to talk with you -- and if they don't, stop asking.

[caranfin]

This is my suggestion, please feel free to rip it to shreds. 

Before you ask someone if they plan to have children, keep in mind that this is a very personal question, and is sensitive for some people, especially those whose answer would be "no" - they tend to get a very hard time about it. Don't ask if you're just making conversation. If you feel like you have a reason to ask - for example, you're wondering if your new coworker who just moved here from a different state needs a recommendation for an OB - figure out some other way to work it into the conversation, or just have faith that if they need that advice, they will come to you.

[Dindrane]

I really think that something like this might be better, caranfin:

Before you ask someone if they plan to have children, keep in mind that this topic is usually none of your business, and that it can be an annoying or painful question for people who don't want or can't have children.  Don't ask if you're just making conversation.  If you feel that you have a valid reason for asking this question, figure out a way to work it into the conversation, or just have faith that they will come to you if they need advice on the subject.

[Shoo]

5.  Only the parents get to decide whom she wants to attend the birth.  Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born.

I edited this one - the mother may have the final veto power, but the new father should definitely have input.

I disagree.  This is something *completely* up to the person whose underbody is on display.  Any other person, even the child's father, gets no say in this matter.

[caranfin]

5.  Only the parents get to decide whom she wants to attend the birth.  Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born.

I edited this one - the mother may have the final veto power, but the new father should definitely have input.

I disagree.  This is something *completely* up to the person whose underbody is on display.  Any other person, even the child's father, gets no say in this matter.

I think some of these disagreements are because to some people, "attend the birth" means "hang out at the hospital," and to others, it means "watch the delivery." I agree that if you mean "watch the delivery," the decision belongs to the woman alone.

[snowball's chance]

Never refer to your coworker's maternity/paternity leave as "vacation".

[Dandy Andy's Daddy's Love]

I do think there are exceptions for close rel@tionships like my mother or my sister.

But a random coworker/friend/distant family member? NO.

I agree. All of my family and friends that I consider close already know that DH and I are struggling with infertility. That question can hit pretty deep and I really don't have any desire to share my feelings with strangers and acquaintances.

[caranfin]

Never refer to your coworker's maternity/paternity leave as "vacation".

And never say "Well, if you've recovered enough to come to the Christmas party, why can't you come back to work?"