Pregnancy/birth etiquette

[caranfin]

POD to mom's choice only.  MIL decided that she wanted to be there when Peach was born, and DH decided it wasn't such a bad idea.  *I* decided that when DH is giving birth, he's welcome to invite his mom, but when it is *my* nether regions exposed I get to decide who is there.  Heck, my SIL is medical personell, and I threw her out of the room too. 

I agree.  I would not want MY mom in the room, let alone DHs mom.  The person giving birth has all veto power.  If mom-to-be wanted someone in, but dad-to-be doesn't, there needs to be a discussion.  Mom needs the support. Fair? no. Sometimes life isn't fair.

You know, I'm starting to think dad should get some degree of veto power too.  Not willy-nilly veto power, but if he has a serious objection to someone being there, I think that has some weight.  I'm not talking about cases where he didn't always see eye to eye with mom's sister, who's also her best friend, so much as extreme cases, like if sister has been making comments about how she should take the kid and leave dad and find someone worthwhile throughout the course of the pregnancy.  Dad does have the right to not be subjected to an openly hostile environment when his kid is born.  But that may be an issue for marriage counseling, not an etiquette board

This is all assuming, of course, an involved and caring dad, not some jerk who got her pregnant and took off.

This is kinda how i am feeling.  I do think that dad should have some input.  But in somewhat I think his say carries more weight for who should NOT be there than it does for who should.  If the mom is ok with a huge crowd, but dad is a bit more shy and does not want to be pushed out of the way. . . . well i think that is fair.   To me it is fair for him to not have to fight for the best seat so to speak.   

I also do think that the waiting room/delivery room/ and early stages are all very different. 

I think part of my distaste for the attitude of the dad having no say is that it feels to me like saying that his having and opinion and sharing it is selfish somehow or automatically wrong or self serving.  Maybe mom does not want anyone there, but all his sisters said how happy they were to have others there. . . sharing that opinion is not wrong. . . . it may be helpful to get others experiences.  Maybe he is scared and wants someone to help him be strong for his wife. . . I can not say that is so evil of him.  Maybe he does not like the idea of the wife being alone for even the few moment for him to go to the bathroom. . . . so he wants someone to be able to take a shift, again, not evil or bad of him.  Heck it could even be that he sees that the mom is a bit toxic and he is trying to point out that her being there might not end so well. 

I just feel that the couple should be able to discuss it. . . but at the same token, yes the guy should *get* that the woman controls who sees certain areas of the body and if he ever wants to see them again, he needs to defer to her at some point.

Yes, the man may have lots of very good reasons for wanting someone there to support him and give him a break. But the bottom line is that his is not the one in labor. Of course they should discuss it and she should consider his reasons. But like you said, she's the one who has the final word.

[Dindrane]

It's not just the "being on display" part of it all (though that's a big deal).  The woman giving birth should have her wishes be of primary consideration because until that child is born, she is the only patient.  Even after the child is born, she's still a patient and deserves to have her wishes adhered to.

Labor and childbirth is, I'm sure, scary for the father-to-be.  But how much scarier for the mother, who is having to do all the work and risk her life?

Basically, the parents should really listen to each other and try to come to an agreement.  But if they can't (or if, for some reason, it's not even a good idea to try), mom-to-be wins, period.  She's the one having the baby.

[Just Lori]

I know a woman who absolutely wanted her mother in the delivery room.  That's certainly her prerogative, but the MIL came in and took over, leaving the husband feeling like a third wheel during his child's birth.  While I think the mother-to-be has the right to decide who's in the room, the father's concerns are valid and should receive serious consideration.

Maybe we need to add a line that says, "If you're invited to witness a loved one's birth, make sure you give both parents enough room to fully appreciate the momentous event."  Of course, that opens a can of worms for couples where the wife is closer to her mother than her husband.

[Squeaks]

Yes, the man may have lots of very good reasons for wanting someone there to support him and give him a break. But the bottom line is that his is not the one in labor. Of course they should discuss it and she should consider his reasons. But like you said, she's the one who has the final word.

I am not saying you specifically, but I just often get a feeling that the guy's opinion does not count and he is somehow bad if he disagrees.  He should respect it, but he does not have to like it. I really do sometimes feel in these posts that people feel the guy is somehow in the wrong for sharing his opinion and doing anything but fully agreeing blindly with the mom-to-be.  

I will admit i am torn on how much final work the mom should have in a she wants everyone under the sun there, and the dad-to-be feels like that is likely to lead to him being pushed to the side.  But really in a situation like that, there maybe other issues in the relationship that need to be addressed.  

[Lady Snowdon]

Also, pregnancy is not a race!  It is never appropriate to tell someone "Well, so-and-so is pregnant, looks like they beat you!" or "Cousin So-and-so is talking about having kids, and they got married after you did.  Why haven't you started talking about kids?" or any other variation. 

[Tai]

Yes, the man may have lots of very good reasons for wanting someone there to support him and give him a break. But the bottom line is that his is not the one in labor. Of course they should discuss it and she should consider his reasons. But like you said, she's the one who has the final word.

I am not saying you specifically, but I just often get a feeling that the guy's opinion does not count and he is somehow bad if he disagrees.  He should respect it, but he does not have to like it. I really do sometimes feel in these posts that people feel the guy is somehow in the wrong for sharing his opinion and doing anything but fully agreeing blindly with the mom-to-be.  

I will admit i am torn on how much final work the mom should have in a she wants everyone under the sun there, and the dad-to-be feels like that is likely to lead to him being pushed to the side.  But really in a situation like that, there maybe other issues in the rel@tionship that need to be addressed.  

I had no problem with the fact that MIL wanted to be there, and DH wanted her there because she wanted to be there.  The problem I had was the pushiness, the repeated questioning, and the "but whhyyyyyy" whininess.  I put my foot down and told DH that if I heard one more word about anyone being at the hospital (it changed from "in the delivery room", but knowing MIL she would try to bully her way in) with us then I would tell the charge nurse that NO visitors at all would be permitted. 

Therefore I propose another rule:  If you ask the MTB to be there and she says no, respect her wishes and don't push it.  Heck, if you ask the PTB anything- accept their answer and don't harass them about it!

[L.A. Lady]

This one is from my sister.
Please keep you opinions on weather or not to circumsize your baby boy to yourself. He isn't your son.

[mechtilde]

I do think there are exceptions for close rel@tionships like my mother or my sister.

But a random coworker/friend/distant family member? NO.

I agree. All of my family and friends that I consider close already know that DH and I are struggling with infertility. That question can hit pretty deep and I really don't have any desire to share my feelings with strangers and acquaintances.

I would respectfully disagree. No-one should ask such a question- even if it is a mother or sister. Leave it to the individual concerned to raise the topic.

My aunt had fertility problems for 16 years. She found the constant questions about plans for children from random strangers, co-workers and friends very painful.

No-one in her family asked her. Not her mother, father, or brother (although I can't speak for her inlaws  ). When she did finally have the children she had longed for for so long, one of the things she said was that she was incredibly grateful that no-one in her family had ever asked her about her plans for children.

I have one other aunt, she has not had children. I have never asked her, and neither has my mother (her sister). If she wants to tell us, she can, but we're not going to invade the privacy of her, or her husband.

If the person concerned raises the issue, then yes, by all means discuss it, but allow them to do it.

[hobish]

14.  For new parents-to-be:  Please do not assume that everyone wants to see a sonogram or video of the childbirth.  Ask your intended audience before displaying either.

It is also generally in bad taste to tell stories of where you lost your mucous plug, what your water smelled like, and how the doctor did your epesiotomy to unsuspecting people. In the same vein, people probably do not find your baby's first bowel movement nearly as fascinating as you do, so please keep details to an absolute minimum if you must share.


I could go my whole entire life without ever hearing the word epesiotomy  ever again and that would be absolutely dandy.

[arnadelecour]

May I add some I have recently encountered:

Unless you are the OB, do NOT argue with a mother over stuff just because you read an article on it. I have a friend who keeps doing this to me, and she's never been pregnant.

If the mom says no baby shower, don't tell her she's having one whether she wants one or not and that it's not HER choice. Um yes it is.

Don't look up every single baby item on the baby registry and inform the mom of all the negative reviews it got. I went through literally 30 different infant seats because someone kept telling me every single one had awful reviews for safety and ease of use. I'm sorry, I can't afford a $300 infant seat from top brand.

If the mom says she wants to breastfeed, don't insist on buying her bottles and do NOT sign her up for formula stuff!!!!!!! All of a sudden I started getting samples of Enfamil....I never signed up with them. Turns out a friend signed me up because I might "change my mind.". I gave the cans to a neighbor who does formula feed. I don't want the temptation.

And I second calling the mother-to-be Mama. It drives me absolutely insane. I HATE IT!!!! My son calls me mommy, and my dh refers to me as mommy when he is talking to ds, that is it. I HATE it when I answer the phone and I hear "heya mama!". *shudder*.

When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

When a woman is obviously enormously pregnant and hopping from foot to foot in line in the bathroom, you don't have to do this, but it would be nice if people let them move up. Babies tend to bounce on the largest organ near them, and a full bladder is just that. We aren't entitled, but it's nice to be offered.

If you are the coach, you do not get to dictate the birth plan. I might say no pain meds today, but when I am in labor, that could all change and don't you dare tell me "Remember, you said no pain meds.". Your job is to support me in whatever choice I make. If I start begging for an epi, don't you dare argue with me.

If you are in the room when the baby is born, you do not get to hold the baby before the parents and new siblings do. Sorry, but no. We are kicking everyone out so ds can have an hour or so to bond with the new baby and we can bond as a new family. And don't blow off the other siblings. Just because there is a new baby doesn't mean you get the back burner them.

[cms1978]

12.  The child's name is up to the parents.

So is finding out/revealing the child's gender - or not - and for that matter, announcing the pregnancy.

I'm going to park my POD here.  I got so much grief for not finding out the gender and keeping his name a surprise until he was born.  Why do people feel so entitled to horn in on decisions that are for the mother and father to make?

[RosieRiveter]

11.  For pregnant women:  While many things can be forgiven, "the hormones" don't constitute a "get out of responsibility to be polite" card.

I read through the thread, but didn't see this addressed (I may have missed it), but I wanted to add an addendum to this one:

11a.  Don't assume any gripe the mom-to-be has is the fault of hormones.  And especially do not TELL her that she's only upset because of her hormones - even if that's true, all you're doing is dismissing her feelings as invalid, which is rude and hurtful, and you may also be dismissing a legitimate problem that she has.

Yeah, she's going to be emotional due to hormones - she's also going to have all her regular emotions too, and those include being legitimately upset at times.

[jibby]

I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.   

[Tosha Go]

May I add some I have recently encountered:

If the mom says she wants to breastfeed, don't insist on buying her bottles and do NOT sign her up for formula stuff!!!!!!! All of a sudden I started getting samples of Enfamil....I never signed up with them. Turns out a friend signed me up because I might "change my mind.". I gave the cans to a neighbor who does formula feed. I don't want the temptation.

Maybe sum this up like this: Respect the mothers decision to either breast/bottlefeed.  How she nourishes her child is her business.

[Corrina]

I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.   

And its not necessarily true either. I ended up losing weight while pregnant and now am the skinniest I've been in years.