Pregnancy/birth etiquette

[RosieRiveter]

11.  For pregnant women:  While many things can be forgiven, "the hormones" don't constitute a "get out of responsibility to be polite" card.

I read through the thread, but didn't see this addressed (I may have missed it), but I wanted to add an addendum to this one:

11a.  Don't assume any gripe the mom-to-be has is the fault of hormones.  And especially do not TELL her that she's only upset because of her hormones - even if that's true, all you're doing is dismissing her feelings as invalid, which is rude and hurtful, and you may also be dismissing a legitimate problem that she has.

Yeah, she's going to be emotional due to hormones - she's also going to have all her regular emotions too, and those include being legitimately upset at times.

[jibby]

I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.   

[Tosha Go]

May I add some I have recently encountered:

If the mom says she wants to breastfeed, don't insist on buying her bottles and do NOT sign her up for formula stuff!!!!!!! All of a sudden I started getting samples of Enfamil....I never signed up with them. Turns out a friend signed me up because I might "change my mind.". I gave the cans to a neighbor who does formula feed. I don't want the temptation.

Maybe sum this up like this: Respect the mothers decision to either breast/bottlefeed.  How she nourishes her child is her business.

[Corrina]

I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.   

And its not necessarily true either. I ended up losing weight while pregnant and now am the skinniest I've been in years.

[Corrina]

May I add some I have recently encountered:

If the mom says she wants to breastfeed, don't insist on buying her bottles and do NOT sign her up for formula stuff!!!!!!! All of a sudden I started getting samples of Enfamil....I never signed up with them. Turns out a friend signed me up because I might "change my mind.". I gave the cans to a neighbor who does formula feed. I don't want the temptation.

Maybe sum this up like this: Respect the mothers decision to either breast/bottlefeed.  How she nourishes her child is her business.

While that's true, I'm also wondering what is the point where you need to say something. One of the girls I know recently had a baby that is losing weight and always hungry. This woman solely breastfeeds and she does not have the supply to properly feed her child apparently. The child was given a clean bill of health and the woman stated her doctor noticed she had very little milk supply, but "she doesn't care because she only wants to breastfeed and do 'what's best' for her child". How do you approach someone who doesn't listen to reason and isn't in fact, doing what's best for their child? I am only an acquaintance and wouldn't go to her about this as I rarely see her, but her family and friends are concerned.

[katycoo]

While that's true, I'm also wondering what is the point where you need to say something. One of the girls I know recently had a baby that is losing weight and always hungry. This woman solely breastfeeds and she does not have the supply to properly feed her child apparently. The child was given a clean bill of health and the woman stated her doctor noticed she had very little milk supply, but "she doesn't care because she only wants to breastfeed and do 'what's best' for her child". How do you approach someone who doesn't listen to reason and isn't in fact, doing what's best for their child? I am only an acquaintance and wouldn't go to her about this as I rarely see her, but her family and friends are concerned.

In this situation I wouldn't say anything at all. 
Her doctor has given the child a clean bill of health.  Therefore it is not your place to presume to know better than the doctor.

[Tosha Go]

May I add some I have recently encountered:

If the mom says she wants to breastfeed, don't insist on buying her bottles and do NOT sign her up for formula stuff!!!!!!! All of a sudden I started getting samples of Enfamil....I never signed up with them. Turns out a friend signed me up because I might "change my mind.". I gave the cans to a neighbor who does formula feed. I don't want the temptation.

Maybe sum this up like this: Respect the mothers decision to either breast/bottlefeed.  How she nourishes her child is her business.

While that's true, I'm also wondering what is the point where you need to say something. One of the girls I know recently had a baby that is losing weight and always hungry. This woman solely breastfeeds and she does not have the supply to properly feed her child apparently. The child was given a clean bill of health and the woman stated her doctor noticed she had very little milk supply, but "she doesn't care because she only wants to breastfeed and do 'what's best' for her child". How do you approach someone who doesn't listen to reason and isn't in fact, doing what's best for their child? I am only an acquaintance and wouldn't go to her about this as I rarely see her, but her family and friends are concerned.

Hmmmm...Very Good point...not sure.  I know I had the same problem (low supply) and formula fed out of sheer exhaustion/discouragement/realization that this wasn't working, but some people won't do that.  Maybe an exception to what I said could be applied here, though I think the mother has to realize this on her own or she will only resent people interfereing.  The scenario I was envisioning was one where the child is healthy and people are forcing their opinions on the mother for no reason other than that they are nosy.

[Corrina]

While that's true, I'm also wondering what is the point where you need to say something. One of the girls I know recently had a baby that is losing weight and always hungry. This woman solely breastfeeds and she does not have the supply to properly feed her child apparently. The child was given a clean bill of health and the woman stated her doctor noticed she had very little milk supply, but "she doesn't care because she only wants to breastfeed and do 'what's best' for her child". How do you approach someone who doesn't listen to reason and isn't in fact, doing what's best for their child? I am only an acquaintance and wouldn't go to her about this as I rarely see her, but her family and friends are concerned.

In this situation I wouldn't say anything at all. 
Her doctor has given the child a clean bill of health.  Therefore it is not your place to presume to know better than the doctor.

Right, which is why I never have, or have said anything about doing so. Her family/friends, on the other hand, are not me and will say what they want. However, I was a pediatric/maternity nurse not long ago and I do know that sometimes, no matter how much a woman wants to, they just do not have the supply to breastfeed. The child was given a clean bill of health from the doctor while they were still in the hospital. He is not gaining weight and I would not be surprised if he ended up in the hospital again for failure to thrive. I've heard recently that she may be starting to think about formula since she's sick of not sleeping at all with a very hungry child, so it may be a moot point. It's just a question I've been wondering about, though, as it can border on abuse if you can't feed your child properly. I'm all for breastfeeding whenever possible, but sometimes it just isn't.

[MummyPumpkin83]

I guess  I'm  a bit late to this discussion, but I am very interested in the differences in birthing between countries.
Here in Australia (at least where I live) you are allowed 2 or 3 (sometimes more, depending on the hospital) support people in the delivery suite with you. I chose to have my husband. There is no waiting room where families can wait while you give birth.
You arrive at the hospital, head to the delivery suite, get checked out in an examination room (generally 2 beds in this room), if you are in labour they transfer you to a delivery suite where you remain until an hour or so after the birth, then you are transferred to the room you will stay in (if you are staying at the hospital) or you can choose to go straight home.
Babies room in with mum from day one. Only sick babies go to the nursery (or if the mum has complications and can't look after the baby for some reason). Baby generally doesn't get bathed until they are over 24 hours old, and then it is usually done by mum and dad as a bonding experience.
Most public hospitals have double rooms, that is you are sharing a room with another new mother for the time you are in hospital. You are separated by a curtain for "privacy". That in itself raises etiquette issues for me, especially if your bed is the one near the door and your room mate is having visitors! When my first was born my "room mate" commented on a discussion I was having with my family from behind her curtain!

[Emmy]

I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.   

I imagine people who are saying that are jealous of you. 

Pregnant women and new mothers to be also don't need a laundry list of the problems you think their body will have during the pregnancy and after the delivery.  I think some people love telling women that their bodies will be permanently changed for the worse. 

If a couple does not have children in the timetable you think is right, do not badger them.  "You know, you are not getting any younger" as a comment to somebody having not started a family yet is very dumb and annoying thing to say.  Nobody is getting any younger and I am sure everybody is aware of that.  Equally annoying is pointing out the age difference between you and your future kids.  When I was 25, I had somebody tell me if I waited too much longer to have kids, I'd be attending my kid's high school graduation in a walker.  It was ridiculous because I was only 25, but it would be just be as rude if I was 40 years old. 

The couple gets to decide the size of their family, whether it is 0 kids, 1 kid, 15 kids, or anything in between.  Nobody has the right to tell a couple they need to have more kids or they have had too many.

[bduckie]

Do not point out that because the MTB chose to have kids, she has no right to complain about being uncomfortable.

(I have had people do this, they ask how I am, i say my feet/back ache, have heartburn etc, and they say well, you chose to get pregnant)

[JonGirl]

If your going to be in the delivery room with the woman having the baby, at least make yourself useful.

Say me who had her uninvited MIL in there who just sat directly across from me and kept on glaring.

Still makes me cry. 

[Mrs.E]

I know this was in the OP but I feel the need to add it again, since it is the only real problem I have had since I have been pregnant.

Do not tell the MTB all about your episiotomy or lack there of, causing you to "rip from end to end". I have heard this story 5 times from different people.  I know it is funny to you now, but seeing as this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect, all your horror stories are freaking me out!

[hobish]

I didn't see this topic, so I apologize if I missed it. 

Do not gleefully inform the mother-to-be that she will lose her "perfect body forever".  Do not tell her you hope she "grows wide" instead of being "all belly" because she is too skinny anyway.

Yes, this happened to me yesterday, from a co-worker.   

I imagine people who are saying that are jealous of you.  

Pregnant women and new mothers to be also don't need a laundry list of the problems you think their body will have during the pregnancy and after the delivery.  I think some people love telling women that their bodies will be permanently changed for the worse. 

If a couple does not have children in the timetable you think is right, do not badger them.  "You know, you are not getting any younger" as a comment to somebody having not started a family yet is very dumb and annoying thing to say.  Nobody is getting any younger and I am sure everybody is aware of that.  Equally annoying is pointing out the age difference between you and your future kids.  When I was 25, I had somebody tell me if I waited too much longer to have kids, I'd be attending my kid's high school graduation in a walker.  It was ridiculous because I was only 25, but it would be just be as rude if I was 40 years old. 

The couple gets to decide the size of their family, whether it is 0 kids, 1 kid, 15 kids, or anything in between.  Nobody has the right to tell a couple they need to have more kids or they have had too many.

Why? That totally confuses me. The comments listed are completely rude, but why infer jealousy from them?

[Glaceon]

I do know that sometimes, no matter how much a woman wants to, they just do not have the supply to breastfeed. <snip> I'm all for breastfeeding whenever possible, but sometimes it just isn't.

That may be true, but there is a huge debate over how prevalent such problems actually are.  That is why it's no one's place to get in her business about it, unless it's to support her decision and she is open to suggestions on how to increase her supply or change techniques.  I assume if she is very pro-bf she already knows about LLL, but if not I'd suggest talking to them if she thinks she is having problems.  It is a complicated issue and they are the experts.