Pregnancy/birth etiquette

[lollylegs]

5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...

I wouldn't judge her too quickly.  He may have be a loving, attentive father and husband, but that doesn't mean he's good in a crisis.  Some men simply can not deal with the stress of watching their wife deliver (no judgement on the, I'm sure it's pretty scary) and end up being more of a hindrance than a help.  A woman in labor does have the time or energy to comfort anyone, and the medical staff should be focused on her, not an hysterical husband.

Just a different perspective.

Judge?  Was that directed at me?
I was merely stating a thought relative to my own marriage, not that I couldn't fathom any circumstance ever where a father's presence may be unwanted.

And if it was directed at me, I don't judge her at all. I've given birth myself and no way was anyone coming in that room without my say so. However, my heart absolutely broke for the father who so desperately wanted to be there for the birth of his daughter and couldn't. It's a tricky one, that's why I was interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

WOAH! Just offering another perspective.  Defensiveness not necessary.

Sorry, I wasn't getting defensive, although I can see how it reads that way. Just responding to your comment, and thought I was being clever by repeating the poster before me.

[hobish]

I don’t think it is etiquette’s business to decide who gets to decide who is in the room at that point. If ever there was a personal moment that is it.

[Fer]

I have another one to add, if I may:

If you (or somebody close to you) had a blissfully easy pregnancy and were fit and active right up until the day you delivered, that's wonderful.  But don't throw that experience in the face of others who may be ill, exhausted, etc.  Every pregnancy is different, and those stories/attitudes can make the newly expectant mother feel even worse than she already does.

==

I'm 8 weeks into my first pregnancy, tired and sick, and strangely hearing stories about my dear MiL working on the farm and chopping wood right up until she went into labour doesn't make me feel better.  Funny that...   

[MrsJWine]

I'm 8 weeks into my first pregnancy, tired and sick, and strangely hearing stories about my dear MiL working on the farm and chopping wood right up until she went into labour doesn't make me feel better.  Funny that...   

I bet you a hundred dollars it didn't happen like that. My children are 16 months apart. In that short period of time, I had already forgotten the more unpleasant aspects of pregnancy that I'd gone through with the first. I don't doubt that at one time most women worked harder through pregnancy than we do now, but I do doubt that it was a magical experience for them. Physical exertion might make you feel better (especially during first trimester), but getting yourself to do it if it's not a necessity is easier said than done.

[Fer]

LOL - I'm sure you're right about it not being all sunshine and rainbows!    

But hearing about superwoman is still the last thing I want to hear when I'm feeling green and don't have the energy to move off the sofa once I get home from work.

[lollylegs]

I have another one to add, if I may:

If you (or somebody close to you) had a blissfully easy pregnancy and were fit and active right up until the day you delivered, that's wonderful.  But don't throw that experience in the face of others who may be ill, exhausted, etc.  Every pregnancy is different, and those stories/attitudes can make the newly expectant mother feel even worse than she already does.

==

I'm 8 weeks into my first pregnancy, tired and sick, and strangely hearing stories about my dear MiL working on the farm and chopping wood right up until she went into labour doesn't make me feel better.  Funny that...   

I'd also like to add, don't brush off a woman's concerns about childbirth because women in less developed areas give birth in the tobacco fields, or whatever.

[MrsJWine]

I'm pretty sure those stories about women giving birth in the fields and then going straight back to work are a myth. I can't even begin to imagine how that's physically possible. And I don't mean toughness-wise.

[jemma]

5.  Only the mother gets to decide whom she wants to attend the delivery in the delivery room.  The parents jointly get to decide who can come to the hospital. Grandparents, in-laws, and other relatives and friends do not have an automatic right to be present-regardless of the fact that a new member of their family is about to be born. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this; I know two women who didn't want the father of the child in the delivery room (in both cases it was the woman's husband, ie attentive partners, not deadbeat or absent fathers). One of them changed her mind, but the other stood firm and her husband had to wait outside. So. Do attentive partners have a right to be in the delivery room?

No.  No one has the right to be present at a medical procedure except the patient and the professional of choice.  That said, I can't imagine NOT wanting my DH to be there...

I wouldn't judge her too quickly.  He may have be a loving, attentive father and husband, but that doesn't mean he's good in a crisis.  Some men simply can not deal with the stress of watching their wife deliver (no judgement on the, I'm sure it's pretty scary) and end up being more of a hindrance than a help.  A woman in labor does have the time or energy to comfort anyone, and the medical staff should be focused on her, not an hysterical husband.

Just a different perspective.

Judge?  Was that directed at me?
I was merely stating a thought relative to my own marriage, not that I couldn't fathom any circumstance ever where a father's presence may be unwanted.

And if it was directed at me, I don't judge her at all. I've given birth myself and no way was anyone coming in that room without my say so. However, my heart absolutely broke for the father who so desperately wanted to be there for the birth of his daughter and couldn't. It's a tricky one, that's why I was interested in hearing other peoples opinions.

WOAH! Just offering another perspective.  Defensiveness not necessary.

Sorry, I wasn't getting defensive, although I can see how it reads that way. Just responding to your comment, and thought I was being clever by repeating the poster before me.

Don't judge other people's relationships based on who they do and don't allow to see them give birth.     

[Danismom]

I agree that the mother (with some input from the father) get to decide who is in the delivery room.  However, I think it is rude for parents to think they get to say who can or cannot occupy the public spaces of hospital waiting rooms.  The patient room belongs to the patient.  The rest of the hospital does not.  Provided those in the waiting room are not causing problems in the hospital, the new parents only get to dictate who sees their baby, when, and who comes into the patient room.

On the other hand, if your loved ones have chosen to have private time with their new bundle of joy, don't try to make them feel guilty for it.  They will call you back when they are ready for you if they are ready for you.  And the order that they call for visitors may have absolutely nothing to do with what you are thinking it means.

When DS was born, DH and I were the only ones in the room.  My deceased mother's sister, Aunt S, was babysitting almost 2 yo DD.  Aunt S and my father both came to town a few days before DS was born because we knew time was getting close.  Immediately after the birth, I was only allowed DH and 2 visitors at a time.  My dad got his feelings hurt because I called for Aunt S and DD first.  He was ticked that I let Aunt S see/hold DS before the grandparents.  He didn't think about the fact that in my mind I only called for Aunt S to come back because she would be bringing DD.  I wanted DD to be the first person that wasn't already in the room to meet the little guy.

[wolfie]

I'm pretty sure those stories about women giving birth in the fields and then going straight back to work are a myth. I can't even begin to imagine how that's physically possible. And I don't mean toughness-wise.

I would assume that women who did that (if that was ever true) didn't have any choice in the matter. I can't see anyone willing to go work in a field after giving birth.

[Sophia]

Well, as someone who kicked my loving attentive husband out of the delivery room (and then scolded him for staying gone so long), I do think a mother giving birth has ultimate say on who is in the room. 

[RiverSong]

Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

[RiverSong]

A lot of hospitals are getting away with having nurseries now - there's a lot of emphasis on skin-to-skin contact with mom and keeping mom and baby together after delivery. When I had munchkin, there's absolutely no nursery at our hospital, just a tiny room where they bathe/weigh baby, then bring him or her back to mom. Additionally, our hospital strongly recommended not having family wait in the waiting room - the nurse manager said quite a few times pushy family members steamrolled over a tired mother after the birth.

I hope this doesn't catch on, I enjoyed the fact that the hospital I went to had the option of a nursery. I could take a shower and get some extra sleep regardless of whether or not DH was actually there at the hospital with me or not.

In retrospect I'm really glad that there was no one at the hospital even in the waiting room. So much went wrong with Baby Oxy's birth that had any of mom's been there the stress levels would have been astronomical (that and it took a ridiculously long time)!

I hear ya. My ex skipped way before Goober's birth and I was induced for 3 days! If it weren't for the nursery I wouldn't have been able to shower for 5 days instead of 3 and I wouldn't have had time to eat or sleep after 3 days of not doing so. The nursery was a blessing.

[RiverSong]

Do not point out that because the MTB chose to have kids, she has no right to complain about being uncomfortable.

(I have had people do this, they ask how I am, i say my feet/back ache, have heartburn etc, and they say well, you chose to get pregnant)

My response would have been that I didn't actually choose, it just happened despite trying not too. The worst assumption made is the all pregnancies were planned.

[Hollanda]

Do not point out that because the MTB chose to have kids, she has no right to complain about being uncomfortable.

(I have had people do this, they ask how I am, i say my feet/back ache, have heartburn etc, and they say well, you chose to get pregnant)

My response would have been that I didn't actually choose, it just happened despite trying not too. The worst assumption made is the all pregnancies were planned.

Then there are people (me included) who were wrongly, as it happened, told by Doctors that it may well be "difficult to conceive" for a number of reasons.  I believed doctors, as you do, and yes, we were careless back in January. But being that we had been together a long time by that point (5 years +) and were engaged, we knew that if "it" were to happen, we would be ecstatic to become parents. So, we weren't trying and we weren't not trying. 

Whatever your circumstances, people should just not come out with "Well you chose to have children"...it's a dismissive thing to say, almost like "You asked for it!". Yes, there are negatives to being pregnant, and indeed to being a parent...but you take the good with the bad.
 
There are people who complain incessently about pregnancy, birth, being a parent, but that sort of person complains about everything. The majority of us suck it up, put it down to being "part of it" and carry on.  Certainly when I do want a bit of a rant (after a week with not much sleep, believe me I need a let-out sometimes!), I choose someone who will not come out with that sort of comment.
 
As a final word, I had an argument with my mother last weekend. It was stupid, I didn't help myself and I apologised. But the damage had been done.  I explained I was tired and her response was "What do you want, a medal? You chose to have him..."  Yes, she took it back and apologised, but like I said, the damage had been done.  I now choose either my BFF, my Chief Bridesmaid for our wedding or my DF.