Author Topic: Pregnancy/birth etiquette  (Read 60382 times)

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RiverSong

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #150 on: May 17, 2012, 09:18:11 PM »
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

RiverSong

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #151 on: May 17, 2012, 09:26:39 PM »
A lot of hospitals are getting away with having nurseries now - there's a lot of emphasis on skin-to-skin contact with mom and keeping mom and baby together after delivery. When I had munchkin, there's absolutely no nursery at our hospital, just a tiny room where they bathe/weigh baby, then bring him or her back to mom. Additionally, our hospital strongly recommended not having family wait in the waiting room - the nurse manager said quite a few times pushy family members steamrolled over a tired mother after the birth.

I hope this doesn't catch on, I enjoyed the fact that the hospital I went to had the option of a nursery. I could take a shower and get some extra sleep regardless of whether or not DH was actually there at the hospital with me or not.

In retrospect I'm really glad that there was no one at the hospital even in the waiting room. So much went wrong with Baby Oxy's birth that had any of mom's been there the stress levels would have been astronomical (that and it took a ridiculously long time)!

I hear ya. My ex skipped way before Goober's birth and I was induced for 3 days! If it weren't for the nursery I wouldn't have been able to shower for 5 days instead of 3 and I wouldn't have had time to eat or sleep after 3 days of not doing so. The nursery was a blessing.

RiverSong

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #152 on: May 17, 2012, 09:54:09 PM »
Do not point out that because the MTB chose to have kids, she has no right to complain about being uncomfortable.

(I have had people do this, they ask how I am, i say my feet/back ache, have heartburn etc, and they say well, you chose to get pregnant)

My response would have been that I didn't actually choose, it just happened despite trying not too. The worst assumption made is the all pregnancies were planned.

Hollanda

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #153 on: May 18, 2012, 08:53:06 AM »
Do not point out that because the MTB chose to have kids, she has no right to complain about being uncomfortable.

(I have had people do this, they ask how I am, i say my feet/back ache, have heartburn etc, and they say well, you chose to get pregnant)

My response would have been that I didn't actually choose, it just happened despite trying not too. The worst assumption made is the all pregnancies were planned.

Then there are people (me included) who were wrongly, as it happened, told by Doctors that it may well be "difficult to conceive" for a number of reasons.  I believed doctors, as you do, and yes, we were careless back in January. But being that we had been together a long time by that point (5 years +) and were engaged, we knew that if "it" were to happen, we would be ecstatic to become parents. So, we weren't trying and we weren't not trying. 

Whatever your circumstances, people should just not come out with "Well you chose to have children"...it's a dismissive thing to say, almost like "You asked for it!". Yes, there are negatives to being pregnant, and indeed to being a parent...but you take the good with the bad.
 
There are people who complain incessently about pregnancy, birth, being a parent, but that sort of person complains about everything. The majority of us suck it up, put it down to being "part of it" and carry on.  Certainly when I do want a bit of a rant (after a week with not much sleep, believe me I need a let-out sometimes!), I choose someone who will not come out with that sort of comment.
 
As a final word, I had an argument with my mother last weekend. It was stupid, I didn't help myself and I apologised. But the damage had been done.  I explained I was tired and her response was "What do you want, a medal? You chose to have him..."  Yes, she took it back and apologised, but like I said, the damage had been done.  I now choose either my BFF, my Chief Bridesmaid for our wedding or my DF.
 
 
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Just Lori

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #154 on: May 18, 2012, 09:27:11 AM »

As a final word, I had an argument with my mother last weekend. It was stupid, I didn't help myself and I apologised. But the damage had been done.  I explained I was tired and her response was "What do you want, a medal? You chose to have him..."  Yes, she took it back and apologised, but like I said, the damage had been done.  I now choose either my BFF, my Chief Bridesmaid for our wedding or my DF.

Yes, I chose to have children.  I also chose to marry my husband, but I still occasionally have a complaint or two.  (I'm certain the feeling is mutual.)  I chose my job path, but sometimes it frustrates the heck out of me.  I chose to adopt a wonderful dog, but I still griped last month when she cost me almost $1000 for a checkup and teeth work. 

Don't get me wrong.  Sometimes it helps to get a reality check and remember to own your choices.  However, that reality check works best when it comes in a loving manner, not a "gotcha!"

Hollanda

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #155 on: May 18, 2012, 10:07:17 AM »
So true. A wry "Tell me about it!" would have done fine.
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Fruit flies like a banana.


turnip

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #156 on: May 18, 2012, 12:17:02 PM »
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

Not necessarily - but there's an interesting assumption there.  I didn't have a natural birth ( the first time ) because I'm a non-wimp who has no fear of pain, I had a natural birth because the stories I heard of epidural headaches/pitocen induced contractions/misplaced catheters/over-managed births leading to c-sections were scarier to me than the 'natural' pain of labor.

So the admiration would be misplaced, and might get you into a longer conversation than you want about birth and pain management.

( FWIW, having been though both natural and "induced/epiduraled" labors, there are pros and cons to both that make it just a matter of preference.  I honestly don't know which way I would go if I had a third )

 

Mopsy428

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #157 on: May 23, 2012, 10:28:43 PM »
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

Not necessarily - but there's an interesting assumption there.  I didn't have a natural birth ( the first time ) because I'm a non-wimp who has no fear of pain, I had a natural birth because the stories I heard of epidural headaches/pitocen induced contractions/misplaced catheters/over-managed births leading to c-sections were scarier to me than the 'natural' pain of labor.

So the admiration would be misplaced, and might get you into a longer conversation than you want about birth and pain management.

( FWIW, having been though both natural and "induced/epiduraled" labors, there are pros and cons to both that make it just a matter of preference.  I honestly don't know which way I would go if I had a third )
My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*

MommyPenguin

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #158 on: May 23, 2012, 10:45:39 PM »
I'm contemplating trying it without the epidural for my next delivery (due in October).  I thought about it with the 3rd, because things weren't all that bad, labor-pain-wise, through about 7cm.  However, I'd had a migraine for 3 weeks at that point and was holding an ice bag to my head, and I was struggling to manage both kinds of pain at once (the migraine was off and on), and so I decided to do it.  *Assuming* no major weird endless head craziness this time... I don't know.  Maybe!  I'm a little scared about the whole "ring of fire" thing at the end, though.  <rolls eyes at self>

My MIL had a long labor with her older son (my husband's brother).  She didn't want to get an epidural because of concerns about how the drug would affect the baby.  So when he, as a teen, got caught doing drugs, she chewed him out.  "I was in labor for 50 HOURS without drugs to help the pain, so that YOU could be safe and healthy.  And now YOU'RE PUTTING ILLEGAL DRUGS INTO YOUR BODY WILLINGLY?"  I liked to imagine her dragging him off by the ear at this point.  :)

Sophia

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #159 on: May 23, 2012, 11:27:25 PM »
...My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*

I don't understand this.  Maybe because I was in such pain, but I didn't even feel the epidural.  I felt the tape being put on my skin, so it wasn't that I couldn't feel anything.  But, the important part?  Nope. 
It isn't that I don't have a problem with needles.  I have dental work done without painkillers because I think the injection hurts worse than the drilling. 

kareng57

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #160 on: May 23, 2012, 11:36:11 PM »
Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

Not necessarily - but there's an interesting assumption there.  I didn't have a natural birth ( the first time ) because I'm a non-wimp who has no fear of pain, I had a natural birth because the stories I heard of epidural headaches/pitocen induced contractions/misplaced catheters/over-managed births leading to c-sections were scarier to me than the 'natural' pain of labor.

So the admiration would be misplaced, and might get you into a longer conversation than you want about birth and pain management.

( FWIW, having been though both natural and "induced/epiduraled" labors, there are pros and cons to both that make it just a matter of preference.  I honestly don't know which way I would go if I had a third )
My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*


I'd think that a comment such as "that's great, but it's also a good idea to keep your options open" might be satisfactory without being too heavy-handed.

Many women do change their minds once labour starts.  And it doesn't always mean want-painkillers-after-all.  Some women who definitely decide that they want an epidural find that labour has progressed too far for that once it's evident - not that common in a first pregnancy, but anything is possible.

MrsJWine

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #161 on: May 23, 2012, 11:41:34 PM »
I was aiming for a natural birth with my first. The idea of a needle in my spine was just about the most horrifying thing I could imagine. By the time I was admitted (after 10 hours of back labor), I wanted to die. If the epidural hadn't taken, I think I would be permanently deranged. It was literally the best feeling I have ever experienced in my life, preceded by barely a pinprick of pain. With my second, the pain was much more bearable, but the epidural still hurt only a tiny bit. I know sometimes they can go horribly wrong, but the average one doesn't.


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kareng57

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #162 on: May 23, 2012, 11:48:47 PM »
I was aiming for a natural birth with my first. The idea of a needle in my spine was just about the most horrifying thing I could imagine. By the time I was admitted (after 10 hours of back labor), I wanted to die. If the epidural hadn't taken, I think I would be permanently deranged. It was literally the best feeling I have ever experienced in my life, preceded by barely a pinprick of pain. With my second, the pain was much more bearable, but the epidural still hurt only a tiny bit. I know sometimes they can go horribly wrong, but the average one doesn't.

Epidurals weren't readily available at the hospital that I delivered at in the mid 1980s - it was a medium-sized community hospital and it just depended on whether or not an anaesthesiologist was around.  For baby #1, I managed with a bit of Demerol.  Baby #2, I was fine till the end when a bit of nitrous-oxide gas helped.  I'm surprised that the latter isn't used more often in NA (I believe it still is in the UK) - it does provide considerable pain-relief with negligible side effects.

Of course I'm not trying to derail this thread into medical pain-relief options, just trying to demonstrate that it's not always epidural-or-nothing.

Sophia

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #163 on: May 24, 2012, 09:45:35 AM »
I wonder about that.  In the hospital's "What to expect during delivery" class, laughing gas was not one of the options.  In the U.S.

bduckie

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Re: Pregnancy/birth etiquette
« Reply #164 on: May 29, 2012, 09:00:19 AM »
Man, I tried the laughing gas. Never again. It just made me frustrated. I had perfectly clear, rational thoughts, but could not make my mouth articulate them!
I don't know where everyone got the idea that life was meant to be fair, but they sure got a bad deal with that message. Once you know fairness is not required, is not compulsory, and in fact often has nothing to do with anything, you can get on with it.