Pregnancy/birth etiquette

[MrsJWine]

"Whooo, the ceiling just turned purple and what the heck is going on in my nethers? Who are you? Let's be friends..." OMGoodness... i amuse myself far far more than a person should, i am dying over here.

It's like a much cheaper version of Ambien. Minus the waking up starving and infrequent but completely bizarre dreams, I presume.

[hobish]

"Whooo, the ceiling just turned purple and what the heck is going on in my nethers? Who are you? Let's be friends..." OMGoodness... i amuse myself far far more than a person should, i am dying over here.

It's like a much cheaper version of Ambien. Minus the waking up starving and infrequent but completely bizarre dreams, I presume.

I've had it at the dentist. Maybe it has more of a "fun" effect on me than it does on others; regular anesthesia tends to make me feel pretty darn good, too. I really have seen the ceiling turn purple and swirly on nitrous ... though come to think of it i've seen much more vivid hallucinations on Ambien (like the Gourmand from Final Fantasy dancing in my bedroom), so maybe it is just me. I can't imagine being on either and giving birth ... not that i have given birth, either, for those who have not been around long enough to know me.
The whole idea is really blowing my mind.

[AustenFan]

Nitrous is common enough in Canada that it was available 10 years ago when I had my first. It made me horribly nauseous, though.

I applaud any woman who can go without the epidural. I did for my second (not by choice, the anesthesiologist was in surgery) and wouldn't do it again. He was 11lbs and came into the world to me yelling obscenities at the ceiling. My labor with me first was a peaceful, pain free affair I slept through most of, so having to go through actual labor with the second came as a HUGE and unwelcome surprise.

[turnip]

Oh...I have one!

*Do NOT call the MTB every.day after her due date asking "if she's had the baby yet?" When she has the baby, she'll let you know.

*If you offer to help, please HELP! Don't just show up at the MTB's door and expect to be entertained. She's tired. She's been up all night with a screaming newborn. THe least you could do is hold the baby so she can take a nap.

*New Mom's: Do NOT worry about the state of your house. If a dirty house bothers you that much, hire a maid-service to come in.

*Never feel guilty for your birth/labor choices. What was right for you, may not be for anyone else.

ginlyn

And to elaborate on that.... If you are close enough to the MTB to be discussing the delivery, and she mentions that she is planning to use/not use drugs, induce, give birth in a tub of lime jello on top of the CN Tower, keep your personal feelings to yourself. Relaying plans is not the same thing as asking for opinions.

How about expressing admiration for the fact that they are opting out of pain medicine. Not in a sarcastic way, but a "I'm a wimp and I admire the fact that you aren't" way. Would that offend?

Not necessarily - but there's an interesting assumption there.  I didn't have a natural birth ( the first time ) because I'm a non-wimp who has no fear of pain, I had a natural birth because the stories I heard of epidural headaches/pitocen induced contractions/misplaced catheters/over-managed births leading to c-sections were scarier to me than the 'natural' pain of labor.

So the admiration would be misplaced, and might get you into a longer conversation than you want about birth and pain management.

( FWIW, having been though both natural and "induced/epiduraled" labors, there are pros and cons to both that make it just a matter of preference.  I honestly don't know which way I would go if I had a third )

My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*

I'd think that a comment such as "that's great, but it's also a good idea to keep your options open" might be satisfactory without being too heavy-handed.

Many women do change their minds once labour starts.  And it doesn't always mean want-painkillers-after-all.  Some women who definitely decide that they want an epidural find that labour has progressed too far for that once it's evident - not that common in a first pregnancy, but anything is possible.

I can't say I care for that wording.  Would you say the same thing to someone who told you they were childfree-by-choice?  It's the kind of statement that can quickly land you into eHell.   

I think simply saying "That's great, I hope you have an easy time!" whether the woman has told you they are going natural, or getting an elective C, or something in between, is the only good and honest response.    No one needs to hear a "but" unless you are their OB and have detailed information as to their health history.

[kareng57]

I would think nixous oxide would affect the baby.  They give women oxygen to help the baby so wouldn't nitrous also affect the baby too?  Just wondering...

It's a combination of 50% oxygen and 50% nitrous oxide and one of the advantages of it is that it provides pain relief without affecting the baby. 

I think it's possibly the most common form of pain relief used in labour here in the UK.  Perhaps Claire79 (I think that's the poster I'm thinking of!) could confirm that?  I'm sure it's the first type of pain relief that I was offered, at least when I had my first (DS).

Excellent site - it describes it very well.  It really didn't make me feel "silly" at all - just a bit calmer and took the "edge off" the pain.  I remember telling the nurse that I was concerned I was using it too much - and she said not to worry, it was 50% oxygen and that was more than the baby was getting from room air.

Obviously it's not suited to everyone, but it's too bad that a relatively low-tech form of pain relief like this isn't used more.

[Jaelle]

...My friend's mother had a natural childbirth the first time and then had a C-section for her second child. This woman told me that the epidural hurt 100x worse than the natural childbirth. *shudders thinking about needles*

I don't understand this.  Maybe because I was in such pain, but I didn't even feel the epidural.  I felt the tape being put on my skin, so it wasn't that I couldn't feel anything.  But, the important part?  Nope. 
It isn't that I don't have a problem with needles.  I have dental work done without painkillers because I think the injection hurts worse than the drilling.

Well, here's one reason. (OK, two.)

I had an epidural with both my kids. With the first, it was painful, but not horribly. And the epidural was great. For one hour. They gave me another. That one hurt worse and lasted half an hour. I finished labor (hours of pushing) with no epidural at all. 

Second kid: Epidural simply wouldn't take. They tried multiple times and it hurt like heck. I was told I must have awful back problems "considering what your vertebrae are like." Uh, no?     I very definitely felt the needle. *squirm*

I'm glad yours went much better though!    Everyone's different.

[whatsanenigma]

I can't say I care for that wording.  Would you say the same thing to someone who told you they were childfree-by-choice?  It's the kind of statement that can quickly land you into eHell.   

I think simply saying "That's great, I hope you have an easy time!" whether the woman has told you they are going natural, or getting an elective C, or something in between, is the only good and honest response.    No one needs to hear a "but" unless you are their OB and have detailed information as to their health history.

Yes, I agree that the wording of that might be a little awkward and require tweaking.  The overall sentiment, though...well, I myself am childfree by choice so take what I have to say with as much salt as you like. 

I can so easily imagine a woman laboring herself to exhaustion, in unbearable pain, because she has told everyone she is doing it naturally and would feel foolish or guilty if she asked for pain drugs.  I can imagine a woman deciding in the middle of labor that she really does want pain drugs but she is so overwhelmed by pain at that point that she can't think clearly about the possible options for pain drugs and the choice, well-meaning as it is, gets made by her husband or the doctor and it might not be the best for her.  I can imagine a woman who suddenly needs a c-section who  is very freaked out and panicked by the whole procedure because she didn't research it at all to know what it involved, because she was so sure she would have a natural labor and delivery.

And on the other hand, I can imagine that if a woman is prepared for all the possible ways childbirth can take strange turns, and really wants a natural labor but has researched possible methods for pain relief to know what she would be most comfortable asking for and at what point in the delivery, and what exactly a c-section involves and is like, she would feel more in control of the process, and her labor would go more smoothly both physically and mentally, and both she and her baby would be much better off.

So, I wonder if there is an e-hell approved way to say "It is very admirable that you have put so much thought into your birth plan, but please understand that every labor is different and you might find yourself in an unexpected situation.  Please, please do not feel inferior or guilty or ashamed if you decide to take pain drugs or if you need a c-section.  It doesn't mean you are a hypocrite or a bad or weak person or that you don't truly love your baby or you are a bad mother.  Whatever happens, I wish you the very best."

But this might be a situation where it's only appropriate to say this if you are a close relative, and if it's just some random co-worker carrying on, you really should just say "That's great! I wish you the best!".  In at least some situations, though, I think it would be such a kindness to the mother to let her know that "natural" childbirth is not the only acceptable method for delivery and that no one has the right to judge her for either choosing something different in advance or changing her mind in the middle of labor.

[Glaceon]

In a nutshell, you can't.  It's not anyone's place to remind someone they might change their mind. 

I am the hypothetical woman in your scenario.  My first birth went pretty much completely opposite of how I wanted it to go.  There was nothing anyone could have said that would have made me stop and think, "huh, maybe I don't want what I want."  I was fully aware that anything can happen and I could change my mind at any point.  With this pregnancy I'm still making plans based on my own wishes and preferences while being aware that things can change. 

Really, the suggestion of "I hope everything goes well!" is the best. 

[lollylegs]

I can't say I care for that wording.  Would you say the same thing to someone who told you they were childfree-by-choice?  It's the kind of statement that can quickly land you into eHell.   

I think simply saying "That's great, I hope you have an easy time!" whether the woman has told you they are going natural, or getting an elective C, or something in between, is the only good and honest response.    No one needs to hear a "but" unless you are their OB and have detailed information as to their health history.

Yes, I agree that the wording of that might be a little awkward and require tweaking.  The overall sentiment, though...well, I myself am childfree by choice so take what I have to say with as much salt as you like. 

I can so easily imagine a woman laboring herself to exhaustion, in unbearable pain, because she has told everyone she is doing it naturally and would feel foolish or guilty if she asked for pain drugs.  I can imagine a woman deciding in the middle of labor that she really does want pain drugs but she is so overwhelmed by pain at that point that she can't think clearly about the possible options for pain drugs and the choice, well-meaning as it is, gets made by her husband or the doctor and it might not be the best for her.  I can imagine a woman who suddenly needs a c-section who  is very freaked out and panicked by the whole procedure because she didn't research it at all to know what it involved, because she was so sure she would have a natural labor and delivery.

And on the other hand, I can imagine that if a woman is prepared for all the possible ways childbirth can take strange turns, and really wants a natural labor but has researched possible methods for pain relief to know what she would be most comfortable asking for and at what point in the delivery, and what exactly a c-section involves and is like, she would feel more in control of the process, and her labor would go more smoothly both physically and mentally, and both she and her baby would be much better off.

So, I wonder if there is an e-hell approved way to say "It is very admirable that you have put so much thought into your birth plan, but please understand that every labor is different and you might find yourself in an unexpected situation.  Please, please do not feel inferior or guilty or ashamed if you decide to take pain drugs or if you need a c-section.  It doesn't mean you are a hypocrite or a bad or weak person or that you don't truly love your baby or you are a bad mother.  Whatever happens, I wish you the very best."

But this might be a situation where it's only appropriate to say this if you are a close relative, and if it's just some random co-worker carrying on, you really should just say "That's great! I wish you the best!".  In at least some situations, though, I think it would be such a kindness to the mother to let her know that "natural" childbirth is not the only acceptable method for delivery and that no one has the right to judge her for either choosing something different in advance or changing her mind in the middle of labor.

I understand what you're trying to say and it's very admirable, but honestly, it would come off as a little condescending. I was blindsided by my mother, future MIL, and a few friends at my baby shower with this sort of thing and to this day, I still bristle when I recall it. I felt very strongly about not getting an epidural, so to have other people tell me that I didn't know my own mind was really insulting.

I think most pregnant women know all their options before they go in and that they can change their mind. Of course you're going to get the women who are so dedicated to the idea of a drug free birth that they won't, but I don't think those women will be swayed by a single comment from a friend. So no, I don't think there's an Ehell approved way to say that. Leave it to her doctors.

[CakeEater]

I might tell my story which was that after an extremely long labor, I was in no condition to do the necessary work at the business end of the whole endeavour, and if I'd had drugs earlier, I might have had more energy, and therefore less damaging interventions at the end. I was pretty keen to do it without drugs, but I wish I'd had them.

I think if it's couched in terms of 'this is my experience, I hope all goes well for you', it might be OK.

[Piratelvr1121]

While your children are the most fascinating and wonderful creatures to you most of the rest of the world doesn\'t agree (grandparents being a possible exception) so please try to keep the stories to a minimum. Especially stories that involved bodily fluids.

Actually, even with other mothers it is a good idea to keep those stories to a minimum unless you know for sure they don't have a problem hearing about it.   I used to frequent a board where women would talk about that kind of thing when they'd share the birth stories.  There were times I'd just not read a thread if I could tell it was going to get graphic after the first time I nearly puked when someone got too descriptive.

[Danismom]

I work with the L&D staff at my hospital.  They treat the mom's with kindness and respect at all times.  They sometimes struggle to remind the moms that a healthy baby is more important than their birth plan.  In fact, the team is well aware of the irony that it seems like the best way to have things not go the way the mom wants them to go is to actually do a written birth plan.  Sure, we want your birth experience to be just like you've imagined it.  But the truth is, it rarely will go like you dreamed.  I think the medical team can certainly remind patients to keep their options open.  But in the social setting, I think the best response is "That's admirable.  I hope it goes well for you."  said with the utmost sincerity.

[purplemuse]

When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

Going a looong way back for this one:

I'd say the "rule" here is for the pregnant woman (or anyone, really, but this is the pregnancy etiquette thread...) not to ask that kind of uncomfortable question.

[hobish]

When a woman asks "Do I look pregnant or just bloated?"....don't say "You don't look pregnant.". Bad idea, bad move.

Going a looong way back for this one:

I'd say the "rule" here is for the pregnant woman (or anyone, really, but this is the pregnancy etiquette thread...) not to ask that kind of uncomfortable question.

Really 
Why would you, even?
Hey, purplemuse, is my butt big or does it just look that way in these pants? There is no good answer there; the question is just not fair.

[Sharnita]

"Well, you've definitely got a beautiful glow but then I've always thought you had great skin"