A new sub-forum!

[Ehelldame]

After having a very recent experience of being the focus of a few rather puerile, insulting comments from a family member on a social networking site, I thought that this would be a good area of etiquette to explore since it seems we don't typically discuss this here and when we do, many people feel justified in executing retaliatory rudeness. 

My choice was to not respond to the comments publicly.  I may eventually do so in private but there is no way I'm going to get into a public pissing contest with all the relatives watching and drag myself down to the other person's gutter level.  I honestly do not think people are stupid and when someone acts ugly and obnoxious while the other person refuses to play that game, people will rightly conclude who is the real jerk.   If both people were to start wallowing in the argument pigpen with each other, they both lose, imo. 

[MDefarge]

I agree with that - I think many times people forget that once you've written something on, say Facebook or in an e-mail, you can NOT get rid of it - so a comment made in the heat of anger or snarkiness and sent without the benefit of stopping to drink a coke before hitting send end up with a permanent place in the world.

[M-theory]

Sometimes this is the best not only to transmit the utter inappropriateness of what the offender said, but to remain polite yourself. I utilize it often.

(Of course, sometimes there are moments of rudeness that just defy human language...)

[ShadesOfGrey]

So would that make this the "Icy Glare of Death^TM" category?

I really hope so

[jibby]

After having a very recent experience of being the focus of a few rather puerile, insulting comments from a family member on a social networking site, I thought that this would be a good area of etiquette to explore since it seems we don't typically discuss this here and when we do, many people feel justified in executing retaliatory rudeness. 

My choice was to not respond to the comments publicly.  I may eventually do so in private but there is no way I'm going to get into a public pissing contest with all the relatives watching and drag myself down to the other person's gutter level.  I honestly do not think people are stupid and when someone acts ugly and obnoxious while the other person refuses to play that game, people will rightly conclude who is the real jerk.   If both people were to start wallowing in the argument pigpen with each other, they both lose, imo. 

Hooray, new sub-forum!  

Re the bolded part: usually, but not when it's my inlaws.  If I can ever tell the story without getting angry all over again, I'll post a similar occurrence with DH's brother.  DH and I kept quiet, and unfortunately, their parents decided DH and I are the villains, and "none of you should be using Facebook at all bc it's bad".  

BTW, I agree with you Dame...was just referencing my own crazy experience with it, which is certainly not the norm.

[LB]

After having a very recent experience of being the focus of a few rather puerile, insulting comments from a family member on a social networking site, I thought that this would be a good area of etiquette to explore since it seems we don't typically discuss this here and when we do, many people feel justified in executing retaliatory rudeness. 

My choice was to not respond to the comments publicly.  I may eventually do so in private but there is no way I'm going to get into a public pissing contest with all the relatives watching and drag myself down to the other person's gutter level.  I honestly do not think people are stupid and when someone acts ugly and obnoxious while the other person refuses to play that game, people will rightly conclude who is the real jerk.   If both people were to start wallowing in the argument pigpen with each other, they both lose, imo. 

I wholeheartedly agree, and as to the bolded part - I have seen it happen. Within my own family. Not only do we recognize who the real jerks were, we have all severely limited our communication with them. They are only starting to understand why.

[DottyG]

So would that make this the "Icy Glare of Death^TM" category?

I really hope so

I think it can just be a blank stare, too.  It doesn't have to be an icy glare.  Not jumping into the fray can sometimes really be just standing there with no expression at all and letting the other person wallow in the mud by themselves.  The "innocent bystander" approach.

[jimithing]

I've seen this a lot in the world opf blogging, and it becomes hard to see your name slandered, and not know what to do. Do you respond? Do you let it go? Write a rebuttal on your own blog? But I agree that taking the high road is a great way to address the situation.

[Daffydilly]

I have a similar, ongoing experience, except it's heard from across the shared kitchen between our bedrooms. My suitemate likes to speak loudly about how she's being PA with me and little comments that I can easily hear when she's chatting with friends. I fear I was overly friendly when she first arrived on base and would knock once a week to see how she was doing. Then we had several situations where I learned I had to keep my door locked at all times when her friends are around.
Now, if I have people visit and we're chatting about life, she might come up in conversation. I've chosen to not say anything about her since I assume she could hear it and I don't want to disrespect her. But I'll admit, there are small PA moves that are trying at times. And I try to ignore her if I hear her say or doing something that I know is supposed to get a rise out of me.
But I also figure, it's good practice learning to hold my tongue and not react. I only have seven more months here and then I head off to another base!

[littleblue]

So would that make this the "Icy Glare of Death^TM" category?

I really hope so

I think it can just be a blank stare, too.  It doesn't have to be an icy glare.  Not jumping into the fray can sometimes really be just standing there with no expression at all and letting the other person wallow in the mud by themselves.  The "innocent bystander" approach.

Agreed.  I've also seen complete silence executed marvellously with a slight raise of the eyebrows, as if they were pondering "Surely you didn't just do that.  That would be simply incomprehensible.  Oh wait, you did."

[Lisbeth]

Five years ago my brother and I were not on speaking terms for a while because after he sent me a truly ugly E-mail involving lots of cursing, I chose not to respond to him.

We eventually did start talking again, and I think my parents convinced him that what he did to me was really rude, hurtful, and out of line.  He never did say words that constituted an apology, though.

[Thriving ~ the next adventure]

Sometimes this is the best not only to transmit the utter inappropriateness of what the offender said, but to remain polite yourself. I utilize it often.

(Of course, sometimes there are moments of rudeness that just defy human language...)

Oh yea...on BOTH counts.  IMO it is never worth it to lower yourself to someone else's standards (or lack thereof.)

[Coralreef]

Isn't there a saying that goes : "Better be silent and thought of as an idiot than talk and prove you are one." 

Yeah, sometimes things do not warrant a reply of any kind.

[snowball's chance]

The other thing I would like to point out is that if the Dame responded publicly, she is once again putting the whole family in the middle of the situation like the her relative did, which is never good form imo.  W/o knowing what the issue is, it most likely doean't involve the whole family, and they don't need to know about it.  Don't air your dirty laundary in public.

[toontownnutter]

Sometimes it is the only way to deal with some people.

My BIL...how to put this politely...he isn't right in the head. He's smoked pot for many years and is very paranoid and couple that with moody and it's a recipe for disaster, especially when I'm around.

He complains really loudly about the most trivial of things. There's not much you can do when he does this, if you agree he keeps going. If you disagree he keeps going. I just stay silent but because of the head problem I mention, he keeps going and going and going. So if he does that with silence you can only imagine what he does do when you do respond to him.

He hated his job at one stage and was ranting and raving and MIL and I just sat in silence and he asked me outright what my husband (his baby brother) earned. He was met with silence. He asked me three times and then said "he'd be on a grand a week" which was also met with silence although I was dying to say "I wish!!" well he kept going on and on about how it's ridiculous my husband earning a grand a week. He gave up half an hour later but man it was tedious.

Now he just loves to get nasty with me and they all (inc OH) just sit there and watch. I can hold my own I assure you but when you're arguing with someone who isn't right in the head....well I could turn violent so I just prefer to leave it alone. One day he was complaining about night shift. On and on and on. In the end I said "my dad always did night shift and coped" and then he said "yeah and isn't your dad dead" my dad isn't dead. Very much alive and still doing night shift as he has done for 30 years. I just didn't answer. So he repeated and repeated and repeated while I sat in a fake shocked silence. Eventually my FIL stepped in and told him to shut it my dad isn't dead. It showed him up for the idiot he truely is and I came off smelling like roses. Had I got into him about it, I would have been seen as stirring him up.