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  • August 18, 2017, 07:40:45 AM

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Author Topic: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral  (Read 5046 times)

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Wordgeek

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #30 on: July 02, 2017, 09:26:06 PM »
Let's wait for the OP to return before commenting further.

Hillia

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #31 on: July 06, 2017, 09:02:02 AM »
Okay, I'm on the OP's side.  I, too, tend to babble a lot, when I'm nervous, but also once I relax and start enjoying myself.
I have been teased, insulted, and called all sorts of names because of it, including having someone slap their hand over my mouth, or in one memorable occasion, actually put tape over my mouth(that was my own mother, btw).
It's humiliating and causes internal scars that never go away.  It's one of the things that I hate most about myself, but there's still no reason for those actions.

It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to go out among people, afraid to relax, afraid to open my mouth at all.  I constantly wonder what they're saying behind my back.

So yes, I think the OP not speaking to this family member is a perfectly fine way to behave.  I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Wow, on the basis of second hand gossip repeated maliciously by someone trying to instigate trouble?  The comment was never meant for the OP's ears.  If someone said that to you directly, or to someone else in a way that you were meant to hear, ok, if you feel that strongly about it, cut direct away.  But this is a huge overreaction on the OP's party.

Also, you have apparently spent time with some epic jerks, and I am sorry for the mistreatment you've endured

Harriet Jones

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #32 on: July 06, 2017, 10:05:34 AM »
Okay, I'm on the OP's side.  I, too, tend to babble a lot, when I'm nervous, but also once I relax and start enjoying myself.
I have been teased, insulted, and called all sorts of names because of it, including having someone slap their hand over my mouth, or in one memorable occasion, actually put tape over my mouth(that was my own mother, btw).
It's humiliating and causes internal scars that never go away.  It's one of the things that I hate most about myself, but there's still no reason for those actions.

It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to go out among people, afraid to relax, afraid to open my mouth at all.  I constantly wonder what they're saying behind my back.

So yes, I think the OP not speaking to this family member is a perfectly fine way to behave.  I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Wow, on the basis of second hand gossip repeated maliciously by someone trying to instigate trouble?  The comment was never meant for the OP's ears.  If someone said that to you directly, or to someone else in a way that you were meant to hear, ok, if you feel that strongly about it, cut direct away.  But this is a huge overreaction on the OP's party.

Also, you have apparently spent time with some epic jerks, and I am sorry for the mistreatment you've endured

Oh, but a lot of this insult *was* done behind my back.  I heard about it later, when people told me.  I got told frequently that I 'don't know how to take a joke'. 
Doesn't matter if it was done directly or indirectly.  It still hurts. A LOT.

OP doesn't seem to have that kind of history with the guy, though.  She's talking about a cut direct along with blackballing him because of *one* insulting comment.  No one's saying that she has to be his friend or even talk to him again, but the cut direct is the nuclear social option where she stops even acknowledging his existence.


Harriet Jones

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #33 on: July 06, 2017, 12:01:14 PM »

One insulting comment *that she heard about*.   It was probably just the tip of the iceberg.
I still support cutting him out.   Maybe not a clear *cut direct*, but definitely coolness and a distinct lack of conversation every time they meet up from now on.   It's not like they were chummy friends to begin with, and suddenly she can always be 'oh so busy hi and bye' whenever she sees him.

That's what I recommended. There's no reason she needs to interact with him, other than icy politeness when necessary. She obviously doesn't like him, anyway. I *don't* think it's her place to tell others who they can or can't invite to their events.

Harriet Jones

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #34 on: July 06, 2017, 12:17:06 PM »

One insulting comment *that she heard about*.   It was probably just the tip of the iceberg.
I still support cutting him out.   Maybe not a clear *cut direct*, but definitely coolness and a distinct lack of conversation every time they meet up from now on.   It's not like they were chummy friends to begin with, and suddenly she can always be 'oh so busy hi and bye' whenever she sees him.

That's what I recommended. There's no reason she needs to interact with him, other than icy politeness when necessary. She obviously doesn't like him, anyway. I *don't* think it's her place to tell others who they can or can't invite to their events.

I don't see anywhere in the original post where she is telling anyone to not invite him.   She just talked it over with her DH and her MiL, and she and DH just pretend he doesn't exist now.   I doubt if the cad-in-question even notices.

Maybe I misread that she told the MIL not to invite him, either. I dunno.   

FauxFoodist

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #35 on: July 06, 2017, 12:55:07 PM »
One insulting comment *that she heard about*.   It was probably just the tip of the iceberg.

I doubt if the cad-in-question even notices.

Given the info given by the OP, it could be just as probable that this was his only insulting comment.  I wouldn't jump to this conclusion or make assumptions about him based on this one comment given his previous interactions per the OP.  Take out the negative slant regarding his appearance, and all you really have to base your conclusions on are that the OP said he's friendly enough (his age and previous drug problems also have no bearing here other than providing more of a negative slant since they don't impact how he interacted with the OP; she said he was friendly enough).  Had the OP prefaced the incident with overly effusive praise of him, would you have the same viewpoint? (e.g. he's a business world rock star always impeccably dressed in a three-piece suit who frequently travels the world on his private jet, and the OP finds him intimidating because he leads this life about which most others only fantasize)

I realize you are basing your opinion on your personal similar bad experiences, but we only have the OP's info from which to draw.  She never indicated he was awful about her at any other time nor any knowledge of him speaking this way of anyone else (or her at any other time).  What she does say is in her previous interactions with him, he was friendly enough and that this one time she heard from her family member that he referred to her as a "motormouth."  I would say her reaction was extremely OTT for the incident and history as provided and strongly colored by her already dark opinion of him based on his appearance, age and lifestyle.



NFPwife

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #36 on: July 06, 2017, 01:04:58 PM »
One insulting comment *that she heard about*.   It was probably just the tip of the iceberg.

I doubt if the cad-in-question even notices.

Given the info given by the OP, it could be just as probable that this was his only insulting comment.  I wouldn't jump to this conclusion or make assumptions about him based on this one comment given his previous interactions per the OP. Take out the negative slant regarding his appearance, and all you really have to base your conclusions on are that the OP said he's friendly enough (his age and previous drug problems also have no bearing here other than providing more of a negative slant since they don't impact how he interacted with the OP; she said he was friendly enough).  Had the OP prefaced the incident with overly effusive praise of him, would you have the same viewpoint? (e.g. he's a business world rock star always impeccably dressed in a three-piece suit who frequently travels the world on his private jet, and the OP finds him intimidating because he leads this life about which most others only fantasize)

I realize you are basing your opinion on your personal similar bad experiences, but we only have the OP's info from which to draw.  She never indicated he was awful about her at any other time nor any knowledge of him speaking this way of anyone else (or her at any other time).  What she does say is in her previous interactions with him, he was friendly enough and that this one time she heard from her family member that he referred to her as a "motormouth."  I would say her reaction was extremely OTT for the incident and history as provided and strongly colored by her already dark opinion of him based on his appearance, age and lifestyle.




I agree with the bolded. The OP wrote her descriptive, colorful description of him after she was already insulted and hurt so I assume that colors it as well.

When I first read the original post, I had a feeling that the OP seemed to feel that she was interacting in a bit of social philanthropy (for lack of a better phrase) - she seemed, to me anyway, to feel that she was socially "above" the relative-in-law and her interaction was a bit of a favor to him. My hypothesis was that she is less hurt by the phrase "motor mouth" than the fact that her social charity was not appreciated.

I agree with others that those who passed the info to the OP are the ones in the wrong.

LadyJane, I'm sorry you've experienced such rudeness and it's made you so self-conscious.

Erich L-ster

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #37 on: July 07, 2017, 01:16:08 AM »
The drug problems descriptor might be unnecessarily harsh, way more than "motormouth". What does it mean to OP?

Guy smokes pot? To me no big deal.

Guy does harder drugs? To me distasteful but none of my business if it's not around me.

Guy got caught DUI on drugs? Yes I'd call that a problem.

Guy lost job because of drugs? Yes I'd say that fits the problem category.

Guy does domestic violence because of drugs? Steals for drugs? Yes, big problem.

Psychopoesie

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #38 on: July 07, 2017, 02:21:57 AM »
Maybe we should just hold further discussion till the OP comes back to comment (assuming she wants to) - as the mod asked?

Let's wait for the OP to return before commenting further.

Mustard

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #39 on: July 07, 2017, 03:25:32 AM »
The OP has been online since this was posted but has either not seen the responses or chosen not to comment.

Psychopoesie

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #40 on: July 07, 2017, 04:13:29 AM »
The OP has been online since this was posted but has either not seen the responses or chosen not to comment.

I took it to mean wait for the OP return to this thread to comment/update before anyone else adds anything more, not just wait for her to access the site.  Maybe I misunderstood?

It'd certainly take me more than the few days since the mod post to decide if I wanted to respond to this level of critical feedback and if so, how. And especially if it was only the first or second time I'd posted. It might take me that long to just read them, particularly if it was something I was already hurting about. Then I'd probably still need some serious time to reflect before I said anything.




Wordgeek

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Re: How NOT to introduce people at a Funeral
« Reply #41 on: July 08, 2017, 04:45:14 PM »
Maybe we should just hold further discussion till the OP comes back to comment (assuming she wants to) - as the mod asked?

Yep, thanks for this. But since the OP apparently doesn't want to comment further,  thread closed.


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