Silence used to stun a PA "joker"

[Xminibride]

After my first and only car accident when I was in high school I was physically hurt, embarrassed because it was my fault, scared about the legal and financial consequences I was facing, and worried about everyone involved (fortunately, no one was seriously hurt). 

This classmate who was just an acquaintance greeted me with a big smile at the school yard: “Hey, I heard you had a car accident!” and started laughing and repeating the details she heard through the grapevine, barely able to contain her laughter.  Between bouts of laughter, she managed to insult me to my face, calling me an idiot for causing the accident.  How could I possibly did what I did, wasn’t I paying attention?  And so on. 

I think she was probably expecting that I would laugh with her out of humiliation and hang my head down.  Or if I had reacted with anger she would have accused me of having no sense of humor.  The perfect PA technique, although at the time I wouldn't have known how to call it. 

Instead, I gave her a long, blank stare, straight in her eyes, with no emotion whatsoever, and let her speak and laugh by herself... as in “I’m letting you listen to yourself until you realize how absurd you sound”…  I could tell when her smile started to fade and she was the one who ended up looking a bit humiliated.   

Just wanted to share this story and ask: have you ever used silence to successfully stun one of those people who insult you to your face in a "joking", "playful" manner? 

[Chocolate Cake]

A day or two after my 5 year wedding anniversary, I was outside chatting with my neighbor (a married mid-40's man with grown children) and proudly mentioned that my husband and I had just celebrated five years of marriage.   He said, "Congratulations!  That's great, but I have to tell you that years 5-9 really suck."

I just looked at him.

To his credit, his face turned red and he bowed his head and said, "I'm so sorry.  I don't know why I said that."

[Mikayla]

Wow.  Did anyone else observe it or was it just the 2 of you?

I was out with some friends one night and one of the people there was the BF of my BFF, a guy I could not tolerate.  He wasn't PA, he was just....a garden variety jerk.   So we're at the restaurant and I order a glass of red wine.  "Hahaha!  Aren't you a substance abuse counselor?  *weird chuckle*  And you're drinking!!  How can you tell others to quit when you can't do it yourself??! *weird chuckle*  Maybe you should check into your own rehab *verrry weird chuckle*

So I just stared at him.  And stared.  People were speaking up and I didn't even acknowledge them.  I just stared.  Then he mumbled he was only joking (I guess that is PA!) and he started in on "Can't you take a simple joke"?  I kept staring.

It never occurred to me to leave because, rightly or wrongly, I saw that as some sort of victory of his and I'd win if I stayed and stared.  I did tell my BFF later that I had just spent the last evening of my life with him.  Oddly, a week later she came to that same conclusion

[Twik]

I was once at a customer's chatting with one of the workers there. For some reason, he decided to tell me an *incredibly* foul racist joke. I found the "stare blankly and say nothing until he slinks away" method very useful, because truly, I had nothing I could think to say.

[Chocolate Cake]

Wow.  Did anyone else observe it or was it just the 2 of you?

Nope, it was just us and I've always felt badly for his wife that he thought this way about their marriage.   If I could run across him now, I'd be pleased to tell him how very, very wrong he was about years 5-9 or, for that matter, 10-13, or 14-17 (just celebrated #17 last month). 

[missmolly]

I was once at a customer's chatting with one of the workers there. For some reason, he decided to tell me an *incredibly* foul racist joke. I found the "stare blankly and say nothing until he slinks away" method very useful, because truly, I had nothing I could think to say.

Similar situation, I was at a bar with a friend when a guy came up to us and we started chatting. Out of the blue he tells a horrible joke about mentally handicapped people. My friend and I just stared at this guy. It was interesting to watch him go from laughing heartily at his own joke to slinking away in embarrassment.

[arnadelecour]

A girl I knew, call her Cate. We were chatting and I broke the news that I had just had a miscarriage a few days earlier. She proceeds to say "Oh I know how you feel. I slept through dinner last night. I was so upset."......I don't think words could even describe the stare I gave her.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Wow.  Did anyone else observe it or was it just the 2 of you?

Nope, it was just us and I've always felt badly for his wife that he thought this way about their marriage.  

I dont think it's so bad to think that certain years of your marriage sucked. I mean, maybe they did. It's not all smiles and roses for everyone over a lifetime, you know?

Regardless, it was really inappropriate, and it seemed he realized that, so I'd cut him some slack at least. 

[MariaE]

A girl I knew, call her Cate. We were chatting and I broke the news that I had just had a miscarriage a few days earlier. She proceeds to say "Oh I know how you feel. I slept through dinner last night. I was so upset."......I don't think words could even describe the stare I gave her.

  Wow!
Is there any way, ANY way at all that she could have misheard what you said? Otherwise the callousness of that comparison is just mindboggling.

[iridaceae]

I work the front desk of a hotel. Unfortunately, some guests apparently watch too many adult movies as they seem to feel that at the first inappropriate comment we'll slap a "back later" sign up and go to their room with them.

So this young drunk guy was first pestering the woman I relieved, then pestered me. I ignored him until he said "so, what time do you get off work?" I straightened up and simply stared at him until he said "oh, that's not a good look" in a more sober tone of voice. I told him I do not tell strangers my work schedule, and he apologized. In fact, as he kept going from the bar to the bathroom and back (he wasn't drinking any more but his colleagues were) for the next hour or so, he apologized every time he saw me.

[punkyrubberducky4]

I use the silent stare to keep my husband in check.  When he gets around his family, they're like a bunch of 12 year olds, including his dad.  Sometimes they're all just so piggish that I give him "the stare" so that he'll tone it down.  I mean, I love a good fart joke, but sometimes they all just cross the line into "downright disgusting."  Once I start giving Hubby "the stare," the rest of them usually see it and catch on and the subject changes rapidly.

[toontownnutter]

My husband is extremely PA. His PA jokes are met with silence but I find the stare just makes him ramp it up. "ooo I'm getting the grumpy mummy stare now, see that kids"

He had a really rude PA joke at my outfit three weeks ago "haha you trendsetter you" (I had  my raincoat on because...well it was raining) so I informed him this morning I'm getting a new coat seeing I'm not trendsetter enough for him. "haha awww so it's all my fault." So I mimicked his "haha trendsetter" and he went quiet. Lets see if he's so jovial when I buy a new coat which I really don't need.

[arnadelecour]

A girl I knew, call her Cate. We were chatting and I broke the news that I had just had a miscarriage a few days earlier. She proceeds to say "Oh I know how you feel. I slept through dinner last night. I was so upset."......I don't think words could even describe the stare I gave her.

  Wow!
Is there any way, ANY way at all that she could have misheard what you said? Otherwise the callousness of that comparison is just mindboggling.

Noppers because she whined to our mutual friends how I was being a drama queen over having a miscarriage. Friends didn't believe me what she said, so I posted the IM where I confronted her about it finally on my private livejournal where only they could see it. She had livejournal block my blog because she said it was defamation. *sigh*. Needless to say she was rather Emo...sort of reminded me of that girl who boohoo's on the webcam about the dead bird she saw.

[penguinpants]

It worked beautifully with a student who was angry that we had a paper due that day, one which he hadn't written, much like his work throughout the semester.  I was outside having a pre-class cigarette when he walked up to start whining about how I needed to extend the due date, it wasn't fair, I was asking too much, etc.  I continued smoking, and just regarded him as he continued to whine and rant and make excuses for himself.  While excusing his own lack of responsibility, he contradicted himself several times.  I remained silent and smoking.  He continued to get himself worked up.  Other students stopped to watch him.  I continued to smoke silently.  Eventually, he realized that there was a rather large bubble of silence around him, looked left to right, hunched over a bit, and skulked away.  I continued to smoke silently, and the crowd dispersed.  Said student never whined or ranted or lied again.  Still didn't do any of his work, but at least didn't continue to be such a pain.

[Nannerdoman]

Moral:  Don't Feed the Trolls.