Birthday party reciprocity

[susang]

My 3.9-year-old daughter has gone to several birthday parties in the last year for kids in her daycare class (which has about 18 children). Most of the parties have been held at a local gymnastics place and the kids run around and play for a while and then have pizza and cake. Usually everyone in the class is invited. If my daughter attends the party, we give the birthday child a gift.

We have not done any big parties for our daughter because until this year she wasn't old enough to appreciate them, and this year our second daughter was born four days after #1's birthday.   

Now, I believe that if someone entertains you, it is good etiquette to entertain them at some point. Is this true for birthday parties? I know it's not true for weddings (if someone invites you to his, you don't have to invite him to yours), but I don't think Miss Manners has opined on kid functions!

I'd really like to stick with the "age+1" number of guests formula until our daughter is older, so I'm hoping I don't need to reciprocate at all, or if I do, that I can do it in the form of playdates.

[Balletmom]

Well, it's always a challenge to make sure you haven't hurt another child's feelings. 

That said, you have three, no four options:

No party at all: or your daughter chooses one special/bestest best friend to have over for dinner, a Broadway show, etc., etc. Something that is obviously suited for just one child who is also, obviously best friends with your child. Doesn't work if your kid has TWO bestest best friends.

The Big Party: Invite as many as possible for something that is perhaps limited, but accomodates a lot of children. Roller skating party. Pizza Party. Matinee Movie party. 

The three or four party that has to be limited for obvious reasons (similiar to #1) The Sleepover. The small party. The I'm leaving out others, but I can't help it or don't care, party. Might or might not hurt feelings, but if you are obviously up for it, then full steam ahead.

Personally, I've never followed the age + 1 rule, because it's somebody else's arbitrary rule. Some children love big parties, lots of friends, and a celebration ( my  now 14 y/o.) Others hyperventilate at the thought and prefer fewer friends, not really caring about going to a lot of other parties anyway, and enjoying a more personal experience with fewer people (my now 10 y/o.) Pick the kind of party your budget can handle and your child will enjoy.

Also, in the primary grades, kids tend to have bigger parties. By the upper grades, it dwindles considerably as kids begin to identify with a smaller but select group of friends.

So if you are thinking you will have bigger parties by age 12 or so, it's not so likely to happen. Goes the other direction, typically.

My ten y/o is talking about being sure to invite one particular child to her party next summer, because "she's invited me twice, and I haven't asked her." I do like that my child is aware of this, as we've tried to emphasize that if someone entertains you (generally speaking) you should respond in kind. Otherwise, don't socialize with them. (No playing at other people's houses when you aren't willing to have the same child over to yours, is what it boils down to for us.)

At the age your daughter is now, inviting such a big group is not so necessary, I believe. In kinder, first, and second grade, it will be more of an issue, when the students in her class are together more AND more aware of being together and talking about parties. Also, girls and boys are beginning to play separately, so by second or third grade, there are not many boys at girls' parties, and vice versa. So you are looking at about 10-12 guests, on average.

I doubt anyone will even notice what you do for your daughter's party unless: The preschool class mothers are a tight-knit group who know every little detail and discuss it. You invite all of the girls except one--no matter how many girls there are, this is a hard and fast rule. Your daughter talks about a party to some other girls, which never actually materializes, for whatever reason, and your daughter attended said child's parties. (This has happened to my child, only it was the mother who talked, and yes, we all felt kind of snarky about it, as it clearly ended up being a convenience thing for the mom, who openly talked about skipping parties for her child as it was just more convenient, blah, blah, blah.)

Good luck! And enjoy the party years while you can. 

[Alida]

What Balletmom says is very true.  We were down to 8 girls for my daughter's 13th birthday (slumber party - that's my max for my sanity ).  For her 14th, we're going to see Spamalot and do dinner at Sushi Samba (her favorite restaurant), just the 3 of us.

When she was little, it was always a big party.  Lots of Chuck E. Cheese type things.  Everyone was happy and I didn't have to clean my house afterward!

[sammycat]

If your personal preference is to the age + 1 then go ahead and do it.  Alternatively, does your daughter have one special friend from daycare that she likes above all others? If so, could you just invite that boy/girl over for a special activity instead?

If you are worried about offending anyone by their not being invited (and believe me I know how 'political' kids' parties can get) then could you just go ahead and invite all the kids from the class to the gymnastics place?  I'm assuming not every single child turns up to every party, in which case you wouldn't be stuck with all 18 of them.  Another option may be to have a little party at daycare with the class and you bring in cake, sweets, chips etc.

[sammycat]

Is this the type of centre where parents can drop off/pick up kids at different times or is there just 1 set time for each?  If it's the former then most parents probably won't even be aware that the party is on if their child isn't invited.

My kids are 6 and almost 10 and I can remember going through the same agony when they were in daycare and then kindergarten (which I think might be called pre-school in the US?  It's the year before grade 1 anyway).  I know how agonising and how big a deal it seems at the time, but a few months later once they moved onto school and they weren't in contact with these people anymore it didn't really matter what parties they had or went to.

If it's any comfort, one boy in my son's 1st grade class had a party earlier in the year and invited all the class, not everyone turned up, and nor was he invited to every single party later in the year in reciprocation.

[dawbs]

*note to self, if this post works out poorly, remember for the future that posting on e-hell after 3 glasses of wine is a bad bad idea*

tangent:

When I was in 2nd grade, I got an invite to a birthday party.  My mom asked me who the little girl was.  I couldn't remember, but I was bad with names (even back then :-).  My mom told me that I needed to find the girl and thank her for the invite.

I sought out said child on the playground, we played, we hit it off, we became fast friends, and only last year did I loose touch with her.
(I later learned that since said child's parent was a elem. school teacher, she had decided to invite the entire class to the party, I wasn't actually special enough to be in her "inner circle" before then 

sometimes those "pity invites" (or whatever you want to call 'em ) do have their place.

[freakyfemme]

I dunno- do parents REALLY keep track about who gets invited to who's party?? I sure think that it would be really hard to keep track of that sort of thing.

How?  Don't all families have a communal calendar in the kitchen, with things like "Kids soccer practice;" "Parent-teacher conference"; and "Bryttknee and Tziphaknee to Murgatroid's Birthday Party?"  At the end of the year, all they'd really have to do is flip back through to see whose birthday parties Bryttknee and Tziphaknee attended, so they'd know to make a point of inviting Murgatroid when their time comes.

[LissaR1]

We're in a similar situation.  I didn't want to throw a party for Ducklet's birthday this year outside the family one.  Partly because he's only 1, but also we're still finding our groove and place of who we're friends with, and a party would have been HUGE.  But almost every other child in his playgroup has had one.

Now, I don't mind having a lot of kids over to my house.  What doesn't work for me is having Ducklet be the center of attention during a playgroup, because he gets very overwhelmed.  (The family one was enough!)  So I did exactly what you said- I just reciprocate with having the kids over to play.  When someone did ask me about why I didn't have a party, I just explained very honestly that we decided that we'd prefer to do a family party this year, especially as our families are huge (well, hubby's is) and when we did attend a birthday party for one of Ducklet's friends he was overwhelmed, and he wasn't the center of attention.  My friend understood completely and if she thought it was rude of us, she certainly didn't say so.

Personally, I think the pressure to have huge parties is getting overwhelming and should be stopped.  If a family wants to do that, great.   But there's absolutely nothing wrong with a quiet birthday at home or a small party, in my opinion.  So I don't think you need to reciprocate with a birthday party, but I do think playtime should be encouraged!

[Lisbeth]

Yikes, children's birthday parties get tricky.

I guess I'd follow these guidelines:

1) Do not invite more children than you and/or the birthday child can handle, including family members.  If the age + 1 rule works for you, great; if not, limit the number of guests to whatever is appropriate for you and/or your child.

2) If your child was treated badly at another child's birthday party by that other child, I don't think you are obligated to give that child a reciprocal invitation.  If you feel the need to reciprocate a birthday party invitation, but don't want to invite the other child to your child's birthday party, you might try a private playdate for your child and the other child, but only if this is something both children can handle well.

3) In general, I'd limit the first and second birthday celebration for children to immediate family only (no big parties) and not hold a party until the child is mature enough for it.  When that is is situational; it differs with every child.

4) No matter what, don't invite anyone, child or adult, who will poison the atmosphere for you, your child, and the other guests by being excessively critical, cutting, or mean.  That's a sure way to spoil the occasion for everyone.

[freakyfemme]

Yikes, children's birthday parties get tricky.

I guess I'd follow these guidelines:

1) Do not invite more children than you and/or the birthday child can handle, including family members.  If the age + 1 rule works for you, great; if not, limit the number of guests to whatever is appropriate for you and/or your child.

2) If your child was treated badly at another child's birthday party by that other child, I don't think you are obligated to give that child a reciprocal invitation.  If you feel the need to reciprocate a birthday party invitation, but don't want to invite the other child to your child's birthday party, you might try a private playdate for your child and the other child, but only if this is something both children can handle well.

3) In general, I'd limit the first and second birthday celebration for children to immediate family only (no big parties) and not hold a party until the child is mature enough for it.  When that is is situational; it differs with every child.

4) No matter what, don't invite anyone, child or adult, who will poison the atmosphere for you, your child, and the other guests by being excessively critical, cutting, or mean.  That's a sure way to spoil the occasion for everyone.

Oh, this brings up another point.  What if one of little Tziphaknee's male classmates invited her to his party earlier that year, but then, come Tziphaknee's birthday, she wants to have a princess party, which MC (Male Classmate) likely won't want to attend?  Do you deny Tziphaknee her princess party in order to facilitate reciprocity, or just do a private play date later on?  What if Tziphaknee and MC aren't really close enough for a private play date to be fun for either of them, but he just invited her to his party because he invited the whole class, or something like that?

[Shoo]

Now, I believe that if someone entertains you, it is good etiquette to entertain them at some point. Is this true for birthday parties? I know it's not true for weddings (if someone invites you to his, you don't have to invite him to yours), but I don't think Miss Manners has opined on kid functions!

I don't think this guideline applies necessarily to childrens' birthday parties.  Speaking as the parent of an almost 7 year old, we've had our share of birthday parties and we've gone to our share of birthday parties.

To be honest, we don't keep track of who has had parties and who hasn't.  If invited to one, my dd goes.  However, I'd couldn't tell you how many or who among the children who have attended her parties have had parties of their own in which they invited my dd to attend.  I suppose if I had nothing better to think about, I could come up with a figure.

In actuality, I find attending a multitude of children's birthday parties to be tedious and expensive.  I'm happy to not have to do it too often.  Two years ago, my dd attended 6 parties in successive weekends.  Talk about birthday party overload.

We're not having a party this year.  And if none of her little friends has one, I'd be perfectly fine with that.  The kids will get over it.

So you definitely do not have to have a party to reciprocate.  I am quite certain that a lot of your child's friends' parents would appreciate not having to schedule another birthday party to attend.  So rest easy and enjoy your quiet family celebration.

[sammycat]

What if one of little Tziphaknee's male classmates invited her to his party earlier that year, but then, come Tziphaknee's birthday, she wants to have a princess party, which MC (Male Classmate) likely won't want to attend?

I've had this situation happen a couple of times.  I have 2 boys and they have invited both boys and girls to their parties'. But a couple of the girls have gone on to have girl only parties and it didn't worry me at all that my boys' weren't invited.  On the other hand, if the girls had had a mixed sex party soon after and the invitation wasn't reciprocated I probably would consider it a bit rude, assuming there wasn't a reason such as the kids having a falling out.

In 90 minutes 20 kids are arrriving for yet another party for my older son's 10th birthday.  This will be the last one for a while as the novelty of throwing parties is really wearing off.....