Author Topic: Complete Silence worked for me :)  (Read 10986 times)

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YogaChick

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Complete Silence worked for me :)
« on: April 17, 2009, 11:18:07 PM »
This happened last year, but I thought it'd be worth sharing.  Anyway, I was riding the bus one day, and some guy (maybe in his thirties, maybe older) got on and asked, "do you go to XYZ University?"  I responded in the affirmative, and he started talking about the lanyard/keychain he'd bought from there, even though he wasn't affiliated with the school in any way.  This was fine, but the WAY he said it was just like it was something to be proud of.  For example, he said, "So, I walked into the student union building, had a drink of water, bought that keychain, and left!!!"; as if he'd somehow "cheated the system."  I kept my mouth shut about this, but he just kept talking.  Anyway, after a few more minutes of this one-sided "conversation" (well, two-sided, because the bus driver was participating too, as it was just the three of us on the bus, and we were right near the front), he pointed out the key on the end of his keychain, and he said, "If I gave you this key, you could come over to my house tonight."  I didn't say anything, and I just looked past him, out the window.  He repeated what he'd said, and I still didn't say anything.  At that, he got frustrated with my lack of response and said, "Geez, girl, can't you see I'm trying to pick you up?!?!?!"; to which I replied, "Yeah, I knew that, I was giving you a chance to save face."  The bus driver almost died laughing.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2009, 04:15:59 AM by YogaChick »

MaggieB

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2009, 12:43:15 AM »
The guy strikes me as being more irritating than rude.  Your response to him was unnecessarily snarky and intended to embarrass him.  I think you should have said (once) "I'm sorry, I'm really not in the mood to chat tonight," and then met any more conversation attempts with silence.

shuniah

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2009, 01:13:04 AM »
Yes, it's terrible to be slightly snarky to strange men on the bus who are using blantant come-ons.  ::)

Alida

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2009, 01:28:42 AM »
Yes, it's terrible to be slightly snarky to strange men on the bus who are using blantant come-ons.  ::)

That's called retaliatory rudeness and is not something that is appropriate, etiquette-wise.  There were better ways of handling his come on without being rude, as a PP has already noted.

YogaChick

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2009, 04:12:11 AM »
The guy strikes me as being more irritating than rude.  Your response to him was unnecessarily snarky and intended to embarrass him.  I think you should have said (once) "I'm sorry, I'm really not in the mood to chat tonight," and then met any more conversation attempts with silence.

Actually, Maggie, it wasn't entirely intentional--I was just so baffled by what he'd said (I mean, he was basically asking me, a complete stranger, to come over to his house, probably to have sex with him), that I couldn't speak.  After that, I told him I was "giving him a chance to save face." 

Kate

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2009, 02:18:41 PM »
Yes, it's terrible to be slightly snarky to strange men on the bus who are using blantant come-ons.  ::)

That's called retaliatory rudeness and is not something that is appropriate, etiquette-wise.  There were better ways of handling his come on without being rude, as a PP has already noted.
Yes there was a time when a woman being  engaged in unwanted conversation by a stranger in a public place, having the temerity to make assumpions about her willingness to engage in immoral behavior, would have been dealt with in a more forceful manner ..possibly by one of her male relatives.

YogaChick

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2009, 02:28:14 PM »
Yes, it's terrible to be slightly snarky to strange men on the bus who are using blantant come-ons.  ::)

That's called retaliatory rudeness and is not something that is appropriate, etiquette-wise.  There were better ways of handling his come on without being rude, as a PP has already noted.
Yes there was a time when a woman being  engaged in unwanted conversation by a stranger in a public place, having the temerity to make assumpions about her willingness to engage in immoral behavior, would have been dealt with in a more forceful manner ..possibly by one of her male relatives.


You mean the male relative would get angry at the woman, or at the guy who was trying to get the woman to have sex with him?

Firecat

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2009, 03:49:18 PM »
I think that, when he said that if he gave you the key, you could come over to his house, that would have been the moment for a puzzled look, and "Why would I want to do that?" Or I suppose a frigid "I'm afraid that won't be possible" could have worked, too. That could come across a bit snarky, though...so maybe just telling him that you weren't really up for chatting would have been better, maybe adding something to the effect of having a terrible headache if you felt inclined.

YogaChick

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2009, 04:19:51 PM »
I think that, when he said that if he gave you the key, you could come over to his house, that would have been the moment for a puzzled look, and "Why would I want to do that?" Or I suppose a frigid "I'm afraid that won't be possible" could have worked, too. That could come across a bit snarky, though...so maybe just telling him that you weren't really up for chatting would have been better, maybe adding something to the effect of having a terrible headache if you felt inclined.

I guess you would have had to have been there.  First, I was really taken aback, like, "Okay, this guy did NOT just say that," and then he said it AGAIN.  After that, I still didn't know what to say, so I figured that if I didn't say anything, he'd figure it out and stop. 

However, after "three strikes," as it were, he still didn't get it, so it was only then that I told him that I was "giving him a chance to save face."  If I'd gone with "Why would I want to do that?"; or "I'm afraid that won't be possible" (although the latter statement was true, because I had an exam that night), then that could have been interpreted as rude or snarky, so I would have ended up in E-Hell over that....if I'd even had the wherewithall to say it.  But, it's pretty hard to respond when your jaw is on the floor, KWIM?  

Also, if I'd just said "No," then that could have been interpreted as me being snarky as well.  If I'd said I didn't want to talk, he probably would have kept pressing me to continue the conversation anyway.  As for feigning a headache, I felt perfectly happy and healthy that day, and looked it as well, so I don't think that it would have been plausible. 

So, I figured that the best thing to do would be to say nothing at all, but then he didn't pick up on THAT, so I had to finally explain to him why I wasn't responding to his filthy overtures.  I mean, okay, maybe I "embarrassed" him a bit, but didn't he think that trying to set up a "booty call" with me, while we were on a public bus, might have been embarrassing for me? 

Anyway, after all that, we all had a good laugh about it ("we" meaning me, the bus driver, and the guy who'd been trying to get into my pants), and we (okay, THEY) went back to discussing non-objectionable subject matter.  I made it home in one piece, then back to school for my exam later, and I never saw the guy again.  Life continued as normal, and I don't think he was scarred for life because I gently let him know that he was being inappropriate. 
« Last Edit: April 18, 2009, 04:23:05 PM by YogaChick »

Firecat

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2009, 04:58:00 PM »
I think that, when he said that if he gave you the key, you could come over to his house, that would have been the moment for a puzzled look, and "Why would I want to do that?" Or I suppose a frigid "I'm afraid that won't be possible" could have worked, too. That could come across a bit snarky, though...so maybe just telling him that you weren't really up for chatting would have been better, maybe adding something to the effect of having a terrible headache if you felt inclined.

I guess you would have had to have been there.  First, I was really taken aback, like, "Okay, this guy did NOT just say that," and then he said it AGAIN.  After that, I still didn't know what to say, so I figured that if I didn't say anything, he'd figure it out and stop. 

However, after "three strikes," as it were, he still didn't get it, so it was only then that I told him that I was "giving him a chance to save face."  If I'd gone with "Why would I want to do that?"; or "I'm afraid that won't be possible" (although the latter statement was true, because I had an exam that night), then that could have been interpreted as rude or snarky, so I would have ended up in E-Hell over that....if I'd even had the wherewithall to say it.  But, it's pretty hard to respond when your jaw is on the floor, KWIM?  

Also, if I'd just said "No," then that could have been interpreted as me being snarky as well.  If I'd said I didn't want to talk, he probably would have kept pressing me to continue the conversation anyway.  As for feigning a headache, I felt perfectly happy and healthy that day, and looked it as well, so I don't think that it would have been plausible. 

So, I figured that the best thing to do would be to say nothing at all, but then he didn't pick up on THAT, so I had to finally explain to him why I wasn't responding to his filthy overtures.  I mean, okay, maybe I "embarrassed" him a bit, but didn't he think that trying to set up a "booty call" with me, while we were on a public bus, might have been embarrassing for me? 

Anyway, after all that, we all had a good laugh about it ("we" meaning me, the bus driver, and the guy who'd been trying to get into my pants), and we (okay, THEY) went back to discussing non-objectionable subject matter.  I made it home in one piece, then back to school for my exam later, and I never saw the guy again.  Life continued as normal, and I don't think he was scarred for life because I gently let him know that he was being inappropriate. 

For what it's worth, I would most likely have been too busy picking my jaw up off the floor to come up with a perfect response, too. A few years ago, I was waiting for the bus after work (what is it with public transit?). On the street where I was waiting, they have these big planters, and in nice weather, people waiting for the bus often sit on the edges of them (they're pretty much designed for that). So, I was sitting there waiting, and this guy plunks down next to me, and it was pretty clear that he had been heavily indulging in alcohol, but thoroughly restraining himself when it came to soap. And he proceeds to try to pick me up. And even my flat declaration of "I'm married" didn't deter him. I've never been so glad to see a bus in my life. I still can't believe that he clearly thought there was a chance that I would cheat on my husband...with him. Hugh Jackman or Viggo Mortenson...then, maybe, I might be tempted  >:D (not seriously, of course!)

Anyway, it sounds like he took your response well enough...and honestly, I think you could have been much more rude than you were - if what you said was rude at all. It was maybe a bit rude, but as you said, no ruder than trying to arrange ah...ahem...private encounter with you in that setting.

MariaE

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2009, 05:10:02 PM »
*shrugs* I think you did well. I definitely think your response was less rude (albeit perhaps more snarky... but I'd err on the side of snarkiness over rudeness any day) than "Why would I want to do that?" or "IATWBP" would have been.
 
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YogaChick

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2009, 05:16:39 PM »
*shrugs* I think you did well. I definitely think your response was less rude (albeit perhaps more snarky... but I'd err on the side of snarkiness over rudeness any day) than "Why would I want to do that?" or "IATWBP" would have been.

Thanks, MariaE.  Actually, I was trying really hard NOT to have to resort to a rude or snarky answer--I was kind of hoping that this guy would lose interest in a girl whom he thought was too "stupid" to realize a pick-up line when she heard one. 

Kate

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2009, 07:00:54 PM »
Yes, it's terrible to be slightly snarky to strange men on the bus who are using blantant come-ons.  ::)

That's called retaliatory rudeness and is not something that is appropriate, etiquette-wise.  There were better ways of handling his come on without being rude, as a PP has already noted.
Yes there was a time when a woman being  engaged in unwanted conversation by a stranger in a public place, having the temerity to make assumpions about her willingness to engage in immoral behavior, would have been dealt with in a more forceful manner ..possibly by one of her male relatives.


You mean the male relative would get angry at the woman, or at the guy who was trying to get the woman to have sex with him?
At the accoster obviously.

YogaChick

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2009, 07:18:12 PM »
Yes, it's terrible to be slightly snarky to strange men on the bus who are using blantant come-ons.  ::)

That's called retaliatory rudeness and is not something that is appropriate, etiquette-wise.  There were better ways of handling his come on without being rude, as a PP has already noted.
Yes there was a time when a woman being  engaged in unwanted conversation by a stranger in a public place, having the temerity to make assumpions about her willingness to engage in immoral behavior, would have been dealt with in a more forceful manner ..possibly by one of her male relatives.


You mean the male relative would get angry at the woman, or at the guy who was trying to get the woman to have sex with him?
At the accoster obviously.

Well, maybe it wasn't so obvious.  In days gone by (and even nowadays, to some extent), there's a bit of a double standard--if a guy tries to get a woman to do something PG-13 that she doesn't want to do, a lot of people think it's the woman's fault for "asking for it" somehow.  In any case, I actually had a near miss one time (a much nearer miss than what happened on the bus), so when something like that comes up, I put self-preservation before etiquette.  That day, I was able to use humour, but sometimes, it's just not that easy.

Miss Misery

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Re: Complete Silence worked for me :)
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2009, 07:44:02 PM »
Is it really time to dig out the etiquette book when some creep is blatantly hitting on you and can't take the hint? I think YogaChick let the guy off easy....my response to his icky pick-up lines would be unprintable.