Author Topic: When it doesn't work....  (Read 5931 times)

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cms1978

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When it doesn't work....
« on: May 04, 2009, 08:44:05 AM »
Hey all!
I've been following this topic with great interest.  This is my preferred way to deal with rudeness, as I tend to say not ehell approved things if I try to talk.   ;)  Normally it works just fine, but my husband's oldest brother seems totally oblivious to my non-reaction.  Either I stare blankly and he repeats the offending remark in a louder voice, or I try to walk away and he follows me!  He will even go as far as blocking a doorway so I can't leave!  What are some tactics I can employ against this jerk in addition to silence, or ways I can make silence more effective?

Bethalize

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2009, 08:57:11 AM »
Hey all!
I've been following this topic with great interest.  This is my preferred way to deal with rudeness, as I tend to say not ehell approved things if I try to talk.   ;)  Normally it works just fine, but my husband's oldest brother seems totally oblivious to my non-reaction.  Either I stare blankly and he repeats the offending remark in a louder voice, or I try to walk away and he follows me!  He will even go as far as blocking a doorway so I can't leave!  What are some tactics I can employ against this jerk in addition to silence, or ways I can make silence more effective?

That doesn't seem the behaviour of someone who is oblivious to me. It sounds like bullying behaviour. Not allowing someone to leave is a really big deal. Do you say Please move, you're in my way?" I will not participate in any conversation I am trapped in.

As regards to conversation what happens when you continue to be silent? Is he waiting for some sort of reaction? I had one particular boor that I had to deal with by saying something that appeared positive on the surface. "Gosh! Fancy that."


Sophia

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2009, 09:03:49 AM »
Is it something ridiculous that you could laugh at?  Obviously, if the problem was a racist joke laughter would be a bad idea.  But, with an outrageous request, laughter works really well. 

Another idea would be to call a spade a spade.  When he tries to prevent you from leaving the room, you can put scorn in your voice and say, "Excuse Me, Are you actually trying to prevent me from leaving the room?" 

Frostblooded

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2009, 09:52:40 AM »
Wow, that is ridiculous behavior and would have me feeling caged and mad! What does your husband say to this? How does he react?

Luci

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2009, 09:59:45 AM »
I thought that my brothers-in-law were unique! I run into the bathroom sometimes and once one of them even tried to follow me in there! Usually, by the time I get out, the offender has been distracted.

RooRoo

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2009, 05:35:21 PM »
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Either I stare blankly and he repeats the offending remark in a louder voice...

"Saying that more loudly does not make it any more pleasant. How 'bout that local sports team?"

Or: "I didn't respond the first time because it wasn't worth responding to.  How 'bout that local sports team?"

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... or I try to walk away and he follows me!
 
Head straight for someone he wouldn't dare say that to.

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He will even go as far as blocking a doorway so I can't leave!

I believe saying "Excuse me" in a voice absolutely dripping with ice might work.

And I'm pretty sure that Miss Manners approves of "How dare you?" in situations like this. But I might not have heard that from her.

If polite measures don't work, maybe something like, "As long as we're being childish, <whine> leeeeve me aloooone, or I'll TELL!"

I dislike bullying pri thorns. Good luck to you!
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

toontownnutter

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2009, 12:26:30 AM »
Gosh and I thought my inlaws were bad. At least they step in when my BIL doesn't take my silence as an answer.


Combine the bean dip.

Try silence the first time. Then obviously bean dip. Then be direct "I have no response to that"

I'm sure he'll soon learn if he cops the silence he's not going to get the response to his question/remark.

HonorH

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2009, 07:31:43 PM »
I think I'd just keep staring silently and let him keep repeating himself until he (rightly) feels stupid.  It'd be fun!  Just keep thinking to yourself, "Have I entered a parallel universe where it's okay to say stuff like that?"
William wondered why he always disliked people who said "no offense meant." Maybe it was because they found it easier to say "no offense meant" than actually to refrain from giving offense.

--Terry Pratchett, The Truth

hope

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2009, 04:30:01 PM »
Can you have him repeat that for your husband to hear?  Will he say something to get his brother to shut up?

sourgirl27

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2009, 11:38:40 AM »
i have an uncle who likes to bully like that. he is in his 40's and has went so far as to jab his fingers at my eyes because he was furious about not getting the response he wanted out of me. i just picked up the phone and called the police. he got the hell away from me pretty quick at that point, and while he still likes to make his snide remarks and give me dirty looks all the time, (he has an issue with the fact that my grandpa and i were close, he's jealous), he hasn't gotten physical with me again. as hard as it is, i have learned to take the high road with him. i invite him to my kids' birthday parties, and other get togethers, i send him a Christmas card every year. it seems to make it a little harder for him to be such an bacon-fed knave. he still does it, but he's toned it down, because he's learned that i simply won't tolerate his behavior, and i won't hold a grudge like he wants me to, so we can keep fighting, either.

Oscar1

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2009, 11:45:25 AM »
Actually, I think his behaviour means that the silence response is working. He wants a reaction, you're not giving one so he's getting more and more desperate to force one from you, to the extent of physically preventing you from leaving. So continue to be silent and not react because eventually he will give up.

pootbear

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2009, 03:56:21 PM »
Actually, I think his behaviour means that the silence response is working. He wants a reaction, you're not giving one so he's getting more and more desperate to force one from you, to the extent of physically preventing you from leaving. So continue to be silent and not react because eventually he will give up.

I have to agree with Oscar and add that even if he doesn't give up and his rude behavior escalates, it will still work in your favor: you'll continue to look like the self possessed confident person you are and others will notice. It would be nice if your husband spoke up for you but he may just be waiting for the perfect time. PB

Kit

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2009, 06:35:18 AM »
 
Quote
Either I stare blankly and he repeats the offending remark in a louder voice, or I try to walk away and he follows me!  He will even go as far as blocking a doorway so I can't leave!  What are some tactics I can employ against this jerk in addition to silence, or ways I can make silence more effective?

I don't believe his behaviour is rude.  It's downright abusive.  I would refuse to spend time in this man's company until he learns how to behave himself.  If this sort of behaviour is his way of clowning around, he still needs to learn that it isn't amusing.  Again, I would refuse to be in his company.

Ms_Cellany

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2009, 06:37:37 PM »
I'm very fond of silence myself, but this guy is already so over-the-top (blocking your exit? that's really scary), that I worry you might be in a borderline situation of "I'll just ignore the bully and he'll stop." A certain type of bully doesn't. He escalates -- as I've learned to my sorrow.

This might be a better time to use direct confrontation instead, calling him on what he's doing.

And does your husband have your back on this? How in the world does he justify not confronting his brother about such inappropriate behavior?
Using a chainsaw is as close as we come to having a lightsaber in this life.

ShadowLady

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Re: When it doesn't work....
« Reply #14 on: June 21, 2009, 11:36:28 PM »
If both you and your DH carry your cell phones on your person, what about whipping out your phone and speed-dial your DH and tell him that his brother is attempting to imprison you / prevent you from leaving, and that you expect him to get over there and deal with his brother before you do something extremely rude  (I like Whoopi Goldberg's line from "Jumping Jack Flash" offering to kick the guy so hard that "they" lodge in his nostrils).