Winter Formal Date Decisions (the girls choose)

[teimu]

Hey etiquettehell.com!
At our school, we have this dance called winter formal in February. Its kinda cool because this time around, the girls are our hosts. They pay for dinnner, arrange transportation and also, they pick their dates. Now this sounds great, right?

So, just recently, Ive been asked on facebook by a cute Sophomore via message(which i have not replied to). Alas, I do not really know this girl well. We talk, but maybe like once or twice a week. And shes three (age) years younger than me...it just seems scandalous. Besides, theres another girl my grade who Im might (not certain) would ask, but with time. And i like her more. See, the thing is, these girls go nuts picking out their dates. One girl just brings it up, and then like wildfire, all the girls get scared and try to pick up a man before its too late. Its freaking 2+ months away! Im afraid that my senior girl will just wait a little more time but Ill be obligated to this sophomore already. =(

Im thinking that I have somewhat of a right to decline. Im a senior, shes a sophomore. This is my last year of HS fun. I can be picky if I want. She has three more years of winter formals, this will be my last. Girls turn down guys all the time, why cant I?

So ettiquettehell.com, heres where you come in:
-Should I decline and possibly break this little girl's heart or accept and beat myself up when this other girl might ask?
-How long should I wait to make either decision with the sophomore? She asked me in a facebook message, and I havent replied to it yet. I'm trying to open my window for the senior girl, but too long would just be akward for the sophomore.

[ZipTheWonder]

How about if you let her down easy - but without any fibs?  "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to attend the formal with you.  If you'd like to get together sometime, maybe we could meet for a cup of hot chocolate at Starbucks after school??"

I think you need to make a decision relatively shortly, though.  She will be able to "read" your delay as the discomfort that it is.

Good luck!

[Shoo]

It's nice that you're concerned about the younger girl's feelings.  I presume she's asking you 2+ months in advance of the party because she knows the chances of you saying 'yes' are greater now, before other girls have had a chance to ask you.

Even though she's asked you first, I don't think this obligates you to saying yes to her.  It seems a bit manipulative to me, even though she may not realize it.  And asking you via Facebook?  Immature.  That's reason enough to say no.

Give yourself a break and permission to do what YOU want.  If you want to hold out for the other girl, then do.  Just remember that the other girl may ask someone else, thereby leaving you out in the cold. It's a risk, sure.  But trust me.  Going to a formal dance with someone you're not really into (with the exception of going with a real good friend) is tortuous.  Better to stay home and find something else to do than have to spend the evening (and the money - yours or the girl's) with someone you won't have fun with.

[Rose2Bear]

Definetly let her know sooner than later. It probably took a lot of guts for her to hit "submit" to send you that message, and now she is probably checking her facebook constantly waiting for a response, so its better to just give her an answer so she doesn't chew herself up and loose sleep over this, and also, so she can find another date herself!

As the others said, you are definetly under no obligation to accept her invitation, just make sure you let her down easy and tell her how flattered you are.  I don't think I'd reccomend inviting her to Starbucks for coco like the other poster said though. Being only 23 myself, I remember high school pretty well, and this would probably be seen as false hope in her eyes. But definetly continue being friendly to her on neutral school grounds so she doesn't feel like you totally stopped talking to her after you declined her invitation.

(One question though - did she ask you on facebook through leaving you a message on your wall or through private message? I hope through private message, other wise that may get sticky when other girls look at your wall, which therefore wasn't very nice of her...     But whatever, thats not that important, just a side note I was wondering about.)

[Clara Bow]

I don't know if I'd invite her out to let her down easy, girls that age are notorious for getting the wrong message. It may be less embarrassing for her for you to tell her in person, rather than putting it on the internet for everyone to see (I have to wonder what in the world she was thinking asking you in that fashion, but I've never understood girls that age, not even when I was one). Just tell her politely that you appreciate the offer, but you aren't really interested her in that fashion. Then put it out of your mind. There's no law that says that you have to go out with everyone who asks, though it's hard to come up with a polite way to say no.
It's also paramount that you don't go around telling a lot of your friends about her invitation and your decision to turn her down. She doesn't need to be embarrassed (had that happen to me )

[Chocolate Cake]

I agree with Auntie Venom.  Just say, "Thank you for the invitation, but I'd prefer you as my friend as opposed to having a date" or something to that effect. 

Keep in mind that, until you respond one way or the other to this invitation, it's possible that the girl you prefer to go with won't ask you out of courtesy to the girl who already asked you.  (And yes, women do know who asked who and who said yes to who and who hasn't responded to who and who has declined who) So, if I were you, I'd respond tonight and clear the way for the other girl to ask you.

And, please don't treat the first girl any differently from here on out.  Don't refer to the invitation in person, just be as friendly (and casual) as always with her.

[VorFemme]

It is entirely possible that the younger girl might look more attractive to you in five years........

The man I married thirty-one years ago *originally* was interested in my sister - even dated her for about six weeks before we started dating. 

I did ask her if she minded if I started dating him AFTER they broke up and before we started dating........long story. 

I'm not saying that you will end up marrying the younger girl or even dating her if you meet her in four years at college. 

I am saying that you are not through growing and changing.  Keep your options open.  Tell Sophmore that you aren't ready to accept ANY invitations to a dance in February right now.  Tell her that you don't want to even think about February until after Christmas, or New Year's, or some other date.  You may or may not get an invitation from the other girl.  You may or may not get any other invitations.  But don't make a date now to break it later.  Guys don't like it when girls do something similar to them.

How would you like to be treated (or your best friend treated, if a little emotional distance makes it easier to "see" the overall situation)?  Would you think it was fair for him to ask out a girl two months early only to have her accept him "for now" only to accept a "better" date and break off the first one closer to the time of the original date?  Would you think it was nice for her to NOT answer him while waiting to see if a better offer came along? 

Think it through and act as you would prefer a girl to act in a mirror image of what is going on. 

[Chocolate Cake]

Tell Sophmore that you aren't ready to accept ANY invitations to a dance in February right now.

I wouldn't do this for a couple of reasons:  1) The implied message is that she should ask later and I don't think you want to have to go through having to turn her down again, plus it gives the girl false hope.  If you don't think you'll feel any differently about her in Jan/Feb, don't lead her on now; and 2) If this message gets around, the girl that you want to ask you may not -- afterall, you've just said you don't want to accept ANY invitations at this time.   My guess is though, if she asked you now, you'd say "yes".  That's not fair to the first girl.

I do agree that it's not right to accept from the first girl soley to have her on the string as a fall back position.  Not that you said you would do that necessarily.

[blarg314]

I think the age difference is a big one at this point, even if it wouldn't be five or ten years later - we're talking something like 18/15 or 17/14 here, right?  That can be a huge difference in maturity, while 28/25 is no big deal. Plus, the OP doesn't really know the girl all that well.

There is no obligation whatsoever to accept a date from someone you aren't interested in, and in a situation like this it's better not to leave false hope, or the implication that if you ask later she'll have better luck.  Personally, I think it's better to go alone, or with some friends, rather than accept the first opportunity in the fear that you won't get anyone else (in life in general, as well as for a dance).

[LifeOnPluto]

As a female not-too-many years out of high school, I say definitely tell her sooner rather than later. That way she's not waiting in vain, and she can swallow her loss, and move onto asking someone else.

I agree with the poster who said that teenage girls can very easily get mixed messages. So be kind, but clear when you speak to her, that you see her just as a friend, not a date.

Is there any chance you could speak to the senior girl you like and find out her intentions. I know the girls are meant to do the asking, but if you both get along well, maybe you could ask her if she would ask you. (Hope that made sense).

On a side note, I don't think that asking someone 2.5 months ahead to a school dance is silly. When I was in high school, people used to ask each other as early as February, to the dance in June.

[freakyfemme]

I don't know if I'd invite her out to let her down easy, girls that age are notorious for getting the wrong message.

Maybe it'd be okay if the OP told the girl (privately) that he was only interested in being friends with her, and nothing else, and then invited her to go to Starbucks (or better yet, someplace less "date-y," like the mall or the skate park) with him, along with Mary, Murray, and Murgatroid MutualFriend.  That way, the message will be clear, but at the same time, it won't be as if he's rejecting her altogether.

[LissaR1]

I remember being in a similar situation in high school.  I was going to ask a boy to the Prom, but before I could work up the guts, another boy asked me.  My general feeling was that the worst thing I could do was use the guy who asked me as a "fallback."  I could say yes to his invite or no to his invite, but I had to stick to that.  If the guy I wanted to ask said no, no going back and saying, "hey, is that offer still open?"  (I wasn't interested in either of them romantically, but the guy who asked me was interested in me.)  All of this has little relevance to your situation, I suppose- I'm just old and reminicing. 

If I was the sophomore girl, I'd want you to tell me ASAP if you want to go or not.  I'd like to say, "you know, she could just be asking you as a friend," but I also know that that's not the only option.  If you don't want to go with this girl, definitely tell her.  Obviously you care about her feelings or you would have blown her off a long time ago and not even asked this forum for advice, so I'm sure you know how to be relatively sensitive about it   Chances are her feelings will be hurt regardless of what you say, so go for honest because that's far more respectful.  You don't need to include all the details, but I'd probably say something along the lines of "You're a great person, but I'm not really comfortable going as dates."  Please, please, PLEASE don't say "I like you as a friend" unless you truly want to develop a friendship with this girl.  But give her a compliment- a genuine one- it does help smooth her feelings a bit.  (Perhaps even let her know you know she took a big risk in asking you?)  One thing I would totally recommend- let her know you're flattered.  I think my worst memory of dating in high school was someone turning me down, and then finding out he thought the whole idea of me asking him out was insulting.  I'm 32, and I still cringe when I think of that.  (Especially since the whole thing was done in public.  Youch.)

Sorry about the rambling, and good luck!

[Sterling]

Let her know you are flattered but I feel that not asking in person is kind of rude.

[goblue2539]

I have to echo one important thing.  Phrases like, "I only want to be friends" are the kiss of death to a girl.  It's a slap in the face to a majority of women I know, regardless of age.  So, you can still be friends with her.  Just don't use that sentence when you tell her no.  "Thanks so much for asking, but I can't."  Done.  We all know from this board that any reason/excuse is going to be countered by a reason/excuse for her to try to change your mind. 

And can I say..... I think it's really great that you're willing to trust the advice and opinions of the board.  I hope we're helping, and that you'll be back if we can ever help again.

[Chocolate Cake]

I agree that the "friends" phrase is really not something one wants to hear, but it seems that responding with the "can't" excuse isn't quite the right response either.  I mean, the OP obviously CAN, and WILL (if the right girl asks), he just doesn't want to because he doesn't feel "that way" about this particular girl. 

So, if I were her (young) and saw him at the dance, I'd be doubly upset because he had told me he "can't" like he was going to be out of the country at that time, had surgery planned for that day, or his parents prohibited dates, when that was clearly not the case at all.  It's not that he can't, he just didn't want to.

For that reason, I think he has to give her some response with a bit more meat to it so to be understandable.  Perhaps something like, "I don't care to, but thank you for the invitation."