Classic Relatives: Late For Your Own Birthday

[Asharah]

My longtime boyfriend's parents always like to make a big deal for their (grown) kids' birthdays, but there's a bit of a middle-child syndrome going on. They always seem to make a bigger deal for his older brother and younger sister's b-days than they do for my boyfriend. As a case in point, they've never done anything REMOTELY like this to either of the other two siblings.

A few days ahead of time, his mom invited us over for (informal) dinner for his birthday. It was a work-night and I get off at 6, so when she invited us for a suggested 6:30 start time, I asked if we could make it 7 due to my commute, to make sure we could get there on time. (I work in a notoriously high-traffic area.) She said this was fine. Of course, darn the luck, we got stuck in even worse traffic because of a rush-hour accident, so we called at 6:30 and, apologizing profusely, said we'd probably be 15 minutes late. Again, his mom was friendly as ever and said to just get there when we could.

We arrived at 7:14 PM, letting ourselves in with our key because no one answered the doorbell. The table had been cleared and both the younger sister (still living at home) and the father were sitting and watching television. My boyfriend's mother, standing at the sink washing dishes, didn't acknowledge us until we came right up and greeted her. Instead of a happy-birthday or even a hello, we got a sarcastic tirade to the effect that our food had gotten cold and our plates had been scraped into the dogs' dishes so it wouldn't "go to waste" (they have a microwave), but that we were welcome to get some leftovers, which had already been sealed into plastic tubs and packed into the fridge. She threw open the refrigerator door and started slamming said tubs onto the counter. Then she turned her back on us and continued washing the dinner dishes in a loud, passive-aggressive manner, muttering, "You could've CALLED. That's the polite thing to do, to CALL." Asharah's comment: THEY DID! Gradually we gathered that despite our two different conversations with her, dinner had indeed started at 6:30 and we had missed it. We also gathered that his mother had started drinking substantially earlier than usual that evening.

Far from coming to my boyfriend's defense against this harridan, his father and sister, who also hadn't greeted us, quietly went upstairs without a word and closed themselves in their respective rooms. I took my boyfriend's arm, led him gently out of his family home, and took him to his favorite restaurant. We've tried to limit our exposure to his family since then, but he's quicker to forgive and forget than I am, so we continue to visit on occasion. Before and since that birthday, I've observed MANY instances when his siblings have been late to dinner with NO phone call or explanation and the mother has delayed the meal for more than an hour with no complaints.

Relatives0209-04

[Ondine]

The only time I believe it is appropriate to start eating without the said guests there is:

1) They are something like three hours late
2) They have not called ahead of time to say they are going to be late

Neither of these happened in this circumstance - I think the couple is better off not associating with his family.

[cicero]

I took my boyfriend's arm, led him gently out of his family home, and took him to his favorite restaurant.

Relatives0209-04

this was the *best* part of the story - i mean the only part that made any sense: good for the gf for taking her BF outta there fast.

sheesh, what a family...

[Twik]

This is truly bizarre, because by my calculations they must have been talking to the mother just as everyone was sitting down to eat at 6:30, and she didn't say anything about the meal starting.

I suppose the line about her starting to drink earlier than usual explains a lot. She was probably thinking, "Boy, if I'm this looped, it must be about 8 o'clock. Where are those kids anyway?"

[Clara Bow]

I think that it's ridiculous that the father and sister just let this witch eat them alive, and treat them this way. Surely they knew that a call had been made, why didn't they stop her from scraping the plates into the swill? Why didn't they remind her that she was called? Why didn't they hide the Muscatel?
This family dynamic is toast....

[ILikeShinny]

Mother or not, I would chew out any witch that dares to treat me like I'm not any part of the family. BF needs to grow a backbone cut all ties to his family.

[Emmy]

What a lovely family.  Ideally, they should have held off having dinner because the BF was the guest of honor and he was still coming a reasonable time (7:15, certainly isn't too late or dinner) AND they called to tell his parents this.  It just sounds bizarre that nobody in his family would even greet him and gf and his mom would be so rude.  I'm glad he and gf left and hope he had a nice birthday anyone.  I think he and his gf have a lifetime pass to miss any other birthday dinners with his parents.

[madMOH]

I guess from now on, have the dinner on a night/day that you are off and are able to get to the destination on time.  I am not saying that it is their fault, mom is defiantly a b***h, but from now on if offered on a night where work is an issue make sure you make reservations at a restaurant just in case.  As for his family, visit don't eat, and as long as it is limited time, all should be well. In some families I have seen where the middle children have been left out not intentionally but it is sad, that parents can't treat every child the same and with the same affection. At family gathering there is always one in my family that is always late, even if we tell her an earlier time than when we really are going to eat, so we have learned to just eat without her unless she calls, then we will wait, that is being courteous.  This was his birthday dinner, you see what his family thinks of him. If the two of you get married I really want to hear the story on that one.

[Jaywalker]

a family that dumps out the food of the birthday boy who is late and has notified them ahead of time that they will be later than hoped is not just thoughtless or PA, they are overtly hostile

this mother should have been told 'I hope you die alone in misery'  and that should be the last time this 'son' ever darkens their door

this was not a misunderstanding, or a mistake -- this was a deliberate slap --  how many of these should the son be expected to live with?

[TheaterDiva1]

Assuming that last call came from a cell phone, I would've shown her the call log (which shows what time I called that number) and asked "Then what's this?"  How can the mother argue that wothout looking  like an idiot?

[Athos_000]

If the mother was habitually drunk the other family member's actions do not seem "off" to me. They are probably used to her tirades and slinking off quietly is their coping mechanism. kudos to the girlfriend for taking him out of there. Hopefully she helps him limit his contact with these toxic people.

[aventurine]

kudos to the girlfriend for taking him out of there. Hopefully she helps him limit his contact with these toxic people.

This isn't my story, but it could have been.  My DH cut ties with his mother 10 years ago, and has not willingly seen or spoken with her since. 

I wanted to "limit his contact" way before that, but it had to be his decision and his action.  I hope this guy will do the same for himself and both of their sanity.