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Author Topic: I should have used it - but didn't think quickly enough  (Read 4884 times)

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I should have used it - but didn't think quickly enough
« on: May 15, 2009, 12:30:55 PM »
DS12 has a very nice friend Jim. We have hosted Jim for sleepovers, they have taken DS to events etc. We like Jim he is well mannered, friendly etc.

Jim's dad - Todd - is a bit of an oddball, actually crossing over into jerk territory. He is pushy, interrupts and knows everything! absolutely everything.  ( Jim's Mom, Todd's wife - Sue - is very nice )

Other BG: I work days at a high stress professional job. DH works nights. Weekends are our family time and time for DH and I to reconnect. We let the boys occasionally have sleepovers - but maybe only once a month.

About 6 weeks- there was an extended family issue ( serious terminal illness ) in Jim's family - and they asked if Jim could stay over at our house. Sure - no problem.

Then in 2 weeks - same issue - we were asked at last minute again .... - mildy inconvenient - but OK.  However, Todd made a big deal that he had to drop off Jim by 11:00 (which put a crunch in one of our plans ) - and then he mentioned - so he could go out to lunch with his friends before heading off to family emergency. Additionally - although they said they would pick up Jim on Sunday AM - it was 1:00 when they came to get him.

Earlier this week - I am in the kitchen - pick up the phone and it's Todd. They have a wedding this weekend, their child care plans fell through could Jum stay over.  I was caught really off guard and said I'll need to call you back - but Todd kept me on the phone and kept saying it will only be from this time to this time and the friends he was staying with .... blah blah blah - and we want to host your sons so you can go out....  So I said OK - but we won't be home until after lunch and they need to pick him up in the AM.

My only reason for not soing it is that I like to have some flexibility, privacy etc. on the weekends - but Jim is a good kid and he and DS will have  great time - I am just starting to feel used. It's my own fault though.

It will be fine - but I am going to tape a sign on the phone that says : I'm afraid that won't be possible !


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Re: I should have used it - but didn't think quickly enough
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2009, 12:38:29 PM »
POF.....  I can totally identify with how you're feeling about Todd.  You're a wonderful person for being there for his son.  If that's any consolation!!  You're probably one of the only stable things the kid's got to count on for the moment.


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Re: I should have used it - but didn't think quickly enough
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2009, 12:44:46 PM »
<<<nods sympathetically>>>

I agree with the PP-Todd's son is lucky to have you to make up for all the heck he must be going through.

The next time you hear from Todd, tell him, "Todd, I'm not available to take care of your son today.  Also, since you seem to be relying on me to babysit your son at a moment's notice for prolonged periods of time for free, I have to tell you that I'm not a day care provider.  If I agree to do this for you again in the future, I will have to charge you a set rate, which will double for any time that I have to keep caring for him past the time you tell me you'll be here to pick him up."
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Re: I should have used it - but didn't think quickly enough
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2009, 12:56:39 PM »
Thanks for your comments - I just feel mean at times - but personality wise I am an introvert. I recharge myself by having time alone with just my family.

We really understood about the family crisis - it happens to everyone - and we didn't want a 12 year old to have to sit in a hospital room. But he is being less than forthcoming about the plans - like my DH said - if I had something that pressing that I had to drop everything and go - I wouldn't be going out for lunch first.

But this is a wedding - and apparently - Jim had someone he could stay with ( I have a feeling they were railroaded into it ) but the children of the couple were going to be away.

12 is an awkward age - I am not sure I would leave my 12 year old home for any length of time ..... but he's a little old for a sitter.  I do have a college age family friend who stays with the boys - but I pay her.

The other very annoying thing is getting Todd nailed down to details. Like when will you bring him by - Oh after his game - well when ? When will you pick him up ?

But he is a nice kid and one of DS's closest friends - so I don't want to start any grief with parents. next time - I'll just say sorry we have other plans.

Michelle Ravel

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Re: I should have used it - but didn't think quickly enough
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2009, 01:05:01 PM »
Next time he calls, you say, "Great! I'm so glad you called, because I need you to look after our son next weekend. We'll drop him by some time. I'm sure you don't mind, do you?"


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Re: I should have used it - but didn't think quickly enough
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2009, 04:32:21 PM »
Perhaps you could say something like this:

"We really like Jim, and he is welcome to our home. But we don't like how you have been treating us lately. We don't mind having him sleep over when there is a real, unforeseen emergency, or when we specifically invite him.

But there are a couple of problems. One is that you have begun to treat us like day-care providers, expecting us to pick him up at school or sports and drop him off, and expecting us to be able to take him on a moment's notice. Most parents pay for such things. Nobody likes being taken advantage of.

You do not keep your promises. You say you will pick him up in the morning, and show up at 1 pm.

You have forced us to change our plans, so that you didn't have to change your plans to lunch with friends. We thought we were helping with an emergency. Having lunch before you left for the wedding was not one.

Again, we don't want to stop seeing Jim. None of this is his fault, and we don't blame him at all. We want to keep this friendship going. "

Then make sure that you tell Jim that he is still and definitely welcome, and you want to keep him in your life. Just in case his dad gives him another story.

Good luck!
For in the fatness of these pursy times
Virtue itself of vice must pardon beg,
Yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good.
     Hamlet, Act 3, scene 4, lines 144-146
       (Pursy: wheezing)