Still A Bean-Dip Newbie - Was This OK?

[Sparkle Star]

My SIL and I were driving through town last night and she said she was disgusted her MIL was threatening not to buy my youngest nephew a birthday gift next year as he hadn't thanked her for this year's. She thought that was "very harsh".

[BG: My nephews are two of the most spoiled and ungrateful kids on the planet and in their lifetimes (one is nearly 16, the other is 14) I don't believe we've ever had more than a couple of 'thank yous' for either Christmas and birthday combined. My SIL and BIL are equally bad at acknowledging gifts. If it wasn't for DH's insistence that they're family, none of them would have had nothing from us for years. My SIL and BIL live in Hong Kong, the boys are at school in the UK and we see them maybe twice a year.]

She asked my opinion and I said I could kind of see where she was coming from as it was one of my pet peeves when people didn't acknowledge gifts. She rolled her eyes and said: "Oh, I guess he hasn't thanked you either then."

Me: "SIL, he never does. Neither of them do."

SIL: "What do you mean? I tell them to."

Me: "I'm sure you do, but they don't. I can't remember the last time either of them thanked us for a gift."

Cue a great big strop on her part about how people don't appreciate how busy her boys are while they're away at school and it was unreasonable to expect them to put this kind of thing at the top of their priority list, they're only teenage boys after all...

At which point I decided it was never going to be a reasonable discussion and she wouldn't admit they were wrong, so I said: "Oh look, there's Exclusive Dress Shop You Love - didn't you want to pop in while you were up here visiting? We could go tomorrow if you like."

It worked - but I felt maybe I'd committed my own faux pas as I was the one who started that particular train of conversation in the first place. Maybe I shouldn't have then cut if off when it wasn't going the way I'd hoped?

[ShadesOfGrey]

nah. I think you were just fine. It would be one thing if you had asked her opinion on something and then bean dipped (still excusable - certainly better than getting mad at her for it, for example!), but you didnt. You thought you could have an adult conversation, turns out, you couldnt, and you backed out gracefully.  go you!

[MsOverThinker]

Sounds like you were as reasonable as you could be under the circumstances.

Your story strikes a nerve with me, though.  I absolutely hate it when someone insists that folks are too busy to acknowledge gifts.  It really "gets my goat" when they say that the person is excused because they are male or young.  I don't know if I could have been as gracious with your SIL.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Sounds like you were as reasonable as you could be under the circumstances.

Your story strikes a nerve with me, though.  I absolutely hate it when someone insists that folks are too busy to acknowledge gifts.  It really "gets my goat" when they say that the person is excused because they are male or young.  I don't know if I could have been as gracious with your SIL.

I agree. Imight have responded - "Well, if they're too busy to thank someone, dont you think it's possible that our parents are jalso ust too busy to buy them something?"   Not sure that's ehell approved though.

[Shortcake]

You did great!

[Minmom3]

I have told family members that if certain people were too busy to thank others for their gifts, then the gifters were going to be too busy to gift in the future.  Boiling it down to its bare essence (in terms of greed and practicality) seemed to get the point across without haranguing or  recriminations.

[Sparkle Star]

Just to let you know - today I received an email from said nephew saying "thank you for the gift" and explaining he'd been too busy with schoolwork to respond earlier.

If I were being uncharitable, I'd wonder how he's just spent nearly a full week in my company and not found time to say anything....   

But obviously I struck a chord with SIL after all and she's got on his case about it..... probably telling him he might not get anything from us next year if he didn't say thanks!

[M-theory]

Just to let you know - today I received an email from said nephew saying "thank you for the gift" and explaining he'd been too busy with schoolwork to respond earlier.

Yeah, my grandmother would feed me to the lions at the zoo if I thanked someone via e-mail.

[Binxi]

I had someone tell me I was just being old fashioned when I mentioned that we hadn't received Thank You notes from the last three weddings we had been to. Apparently "Noone does them anymore".

She asked if we had received the photo of John and Jane's wedding with "Thank you for attending our wedding and sharing our special day with us" printed on it. I said yes, and she asked why I was complaining. "That's a Thankyou note right there".   

[petal]

if someone is too rude to acknowledge and say thanks for a gift  then they dont get another gift to ignore

[ShadesOfGrey]

I had someone tell me I was just being old fashioned when I mentioned that we hadn't received Thank You notes from the last three weddings we had been to. Apparently "Noone does them anymore".

She asked if we had received the photo of John and Jane's wedding with "Thank you for attending our wedding and sharing our special day with us" printed on it. I said yes, and she asked why I was complaining. "That's a Thankyou note right there".  

While I dont personally believe this is an adequate thank you - someone who sends this gets just a little credit in my book.  The # of vendors who push this as appropriate...sigh. I cant blame someone for not knowing better. 

[Binxi]

They did rate higher than the others in my mind, but it still annoys me that it has been pushed as the okay thing to do.

I'm not too fussy- heck I don't even care if it is handwritten; typed or emailed is fine by me- I'd just like some level of personalisation.

[FunkyMunky]

I had someone tell me I was just being old fashioned when I mentioned that we hadn't received Thank You notes from the last three weddings we had been to. Apparently "Noone does them anymore".

She asked if we had received the photo of John and Jane's wedding with "Thank you for attending our wedding and sharing our special day with us" printed on it. I said yes, and she asked why I was complaining. "That's a Thankyou note right there".   

We got a baby-shower TY like that..printed on a home computer with a photo of the then 5-month-old, with a note at the bottom saying "thank you for all your best wishes for little [Baby Name]". It was 8 months after the shower.

[emeraldsage85]

I had someone tell me I was just being old fashioned when I mentioned that we hadn't received Thank You notes from the last three weddings we had been to. Apparently "Noone does them anymore".

She asked if we had received the photo of John and Jane's wedding with "Thank you for attending our wedding and sharing our special day with us" printed on it. I said yes, and she asked why I was complaining. "That's a Thankyou note right there".   

Ugh. I hate things like this. When I don't get a thank-you I usually file that information away for future use when buying gifts for that person. I still remember going to a friend's wedding and not getting a thank-you for the money I gave the HC. My mom asked later if I got one and when I replied that I hadn't she said, "What's wrong with these modern weddings today?! They think they don't have to thank anyone!"

[P12663]

On the bright side - I recently attended a baby shower for my niece-in-law.  I gave her a small hamper full of clothes, diapers, toys, implements, etc.  Dozens of things.  I got the TY note in the mail three days later with pretty much each item listed.  She particularly liked the hamper.

Nice woman.  Lucky nephew.