Etiquette School is in session! > "So kind of you to take an interest."

you have a ton of grey hair, and wrinkles, too!

(1/7) > >>

 i was at my friend's house yesterday, and we were sitting in the yard talking. she starts inspecting a mole that has been on my arm forever, and tells me it could be skin cancer. i told her i've had it for years, and it hasn't changed in color, size, or shape. she continues to tell me it's cancerous. she gets her phone out and logs online and looks up skin cancer. she freaks out on me some more, then inspects me again, and says "i think it's just a mole." i said "really, you do?" rather sarcastically.

after that she starts inspecting my hair and tells me i have a "ton" of grey hair. i'm 31, and i have about 4 grey hairs. i told her that, and she says "no, you have a lot more than that. you have..." she starts counting "17!" after that, she started inspecting my face and informed me that i have wrinkles, too. i don't. she always does this. (i know, why do i stay friends with her, right?) she has to criticize me constantly. she has criticized the color of my nail polish, the color of my shirt,  (according to her, it made my complexion look sickly) my eyeshadow, she tells my pants make me look fat, the way i wear my hair on any given day, anything she can think of. she has to criticize. i have told her before that i don't appreciate it, and she responds with "well, i would want someone to tell me!" i told her not everyone feels that way.

so while she's inspecting and cutting me down all over, i tell her that only she feels the need to go over me with a microscope, and why does she do that? she says that she has lived a rougher life than me (by her standards) so if i'm going grey and getting wrinkles, she must be, too. i told her that i am not her mirror, and asked her why she has to criticize me all the time. as usual, she acted like she was doing me a favor to point out all of my percieved flaws. she knows i don't like her diong this all the time, and she does it anyway. she does it to everybody, too, not just me. what could be driving this annoying behavior and how else can i respond to it, since she just ignores the fact that it offends me and keeps doing it?

If this is all she ever does, why are you still friends? I'd drop her like a hot rock. Better to have no friends than ones who constantly drag you down.

If there are other reasons to be friends with her, then you might try saying something like this, as the answer to the very first inspection remark:

"Yes, I'm old, fat, gray-haired, wrinkly, have moles and a bad taste in clothes. Now that we've covered that, let's start the card game (or whatever you came over there for)."

If she doesn't stop, say something like, "Whosit, I have asked you many times to stop doing this, and you ignore me. Next time you say something critical, I will leave." Then follow through.

And if she responds by saying "I do it because I care about you," tell her that, if she cared, she'd stop, and accept you for what you are - not what she wishes you were.

Good luck!  :)

"Yup, and I've earned every one of them!"

she is a good friend in so many ways. i know i can count on her to be there for me in a crisis, or any other time. she has done a lot to help me out when i was pregnant, and while i was off of work after having my baby. she is wonderful to my kids. she has a kind heart and is the most generous person i know. it's this one thing that is absolutely driving me nuts. usually, i can blow her comments off, because i know this is just the way she is, but it gets hard when she insists on focusing on something that is "wrong" with me after i've already tried to push her off.

i think your idea of telling her "yes, i'm this that and the other things, so let's move on"  just might work. it's worth a try anyway, and i will do it the next time this happens.  :)

It isn't "just the way she is."  It's the way she chooses to be!  I learned this on another posting on this site.  It makes so much sense.

Does she do that with say, her minister's wife?  her child's teacher? her boss's wife?  you get the picture.

You say she is a good friend, but you do have to pay a price for her friendship.  Is it worth it?  :-\ You can't change her, you can only change your reaction to her.


[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version