you have a ton of grey hair, and wrinkles, too!

[sourgirl27]

 i was at my friend's house yesterday, and we were sitting in the yard talking. she starts inspecting a mole that has been on my arm forever, and tells me it could be skin cancer. i told her i've had it for years, and it hasn't changed in color, size, or shape. she continues to tell me it's cancerous. she gets her phone out and logs online and looks up skin cancer. she freaks out on me some more, then inspects me again, and says "i think it's just a mole." i said "really, you do?" rather sarcastically.

after that she starts inspecting my hair and tells me i have a "ton" of grey hair. i'm 31, and i have about 4 grey hairs. i told her that, and she says "no, you have a lot more than that. you have..." she starts counting "17!" after that, she started inspecting my face and informed me that i have wrinkles, too. i don't. she always does this. (i know, why do i stay friends with her, right?) she has to criticize me constantly. she has criticized the color of my nail polish, the color of my shirt,  (according to her, it made my complexion look sickly) my eyeshadow, she tells my pants make me look fat, the way i wear my hair on any given day, anything she can think of. she has to criticize. i have told her before that i don't appreciate it, and she responds with "well, i would want someone to tell me!" i told her not everyone feels that way.

so while she's inspecting and cutting me down all over, i tell her that only she feels the need to go over me with a microscope, and why does she do that? she says that she has lived a rougher life than me (by her standards) so if i'm going grey and getting wrinkles, she must be, too. i told her that i am not her mirror, and asked her why she has to criticize me all the time. as usual, she acted like she was doing me a favor to point out all of my percieved flaws. she knows i don't like her diong this all the time, and she does it anyway. she does it to everybody, too, not just me. what could be driving this annoying behavior and how else can i respond to it, since she just ignores the fact that it offends me and keeps doing it?

[RooRoo]

If this is all she ever does, why are you still friends? I'd drop her like a hot rock. Better to have no friends than ones who constantly drag you down.

If there are other reasons to be friends with her, then you might try saying something like this, as the answer to the very first inspection remark:

"Yes, I'm old, fat, gray-haired, wrinkly, have moles and a bad taste in clothes. Now that we've covered that, let's start the card game (or whatever you came over there for)."

If she doesn't stop, say something like, "Whosit, I have asked you many times to stop doing this, and you ignore me. Next time you say something critical, I will leave." Then follow through.

And if she responds by saying "I do it because I care about you," tell her that, if she cared, she'd stop, and accept you for what you are - not what she wishes you were.

Good luck! 

[daybarb]

"Yup, and I've earned every one of them!"

[sourgirl27]

she is a good friend in so many ways. i know i can count on her to be there for me in a crisis, or any other time. she has done a lot to help me out when i was pregnant, and while i was off of work after having my baby. she is wonderful to my kids. she has a kind heart and is the most generous person i know. it's this one thing that is absolutely driving me nuts. usually, i can blow her comments off, because i know this is just the way she is, but it gets hard when she insists on focusing on something that is "wrong" with me after i've already tried to push her off.

i think your idea of telling her "yes, i'm this that and the other things, so let's move on"  just might work. it's worth a try anyway, and i will do it the next time this happens.  

[delphinium]

It isn't "just the way she is."  It's the way she chooses to be!  I learned this on another posting on this site.  It makes so much sense.

Does she do that with say, her minister's wife?  her child's teacher? her boss's wife?  you get the picture.

You say she is a good friend, but you do have to pay a price for her friendship.  Is it worth it?  You can't change her, you can only change your reaction to her.

[missmolly]

If you do want to keep her as a friend, I suggest bean dipping her rather than responding.

[lucy_in_the_sky]

I agree with previous posters. If she has nothing nice to say about your appearance then she should shut her mouth unless you ask for her opinion. Man, that bugs me. I understand where you're coming from, though, because you can admire and enjoy a person in so many ways, and yet somehow they still manage to take away from the good by making comments like that. Tell her that you appreciate her concern, but in the future you'll ask for her opinion if you want it.

[crazedartist]

If you try a few different ways to cut her off, let us know how it goes? If it doesn't work, then as others have said, it's a question of whether it's worth putting up with...

Oh and for the record, I think gray hair is GORGEOUS. I can't wait. I wish I could take a pill right now to make mine go gray!

[Chocolate Cake]

You could always try to shock her out of this habit by turning the criticism mirror on her.  Whenever she starts in on you, tell her one flaw you see in her for every flaw she sees in you:

Her:  "Your hair is flat and lifeless"
You:  "Is that a chin hair I see on you?  Nope.  I see five chin hairs."

Her:  "What's happening to your waistline?"
You: "Did you get that shirt on clearance 'cause I can't imagine anyone paying full price for it."

Her:  "You're getting crow's feet"
You:  "Why do your earlobes droop so low?  I think that's a sign of disease."

Her:  'I see you're picking at your fingernails again."
You:  "Wow.  That bra really accentuates your back fat"

.....and so on.  One for one. 

[Emmy]

Evil Emmy would be tempted to return the favor by pointing out her flaws.  After all, she did say she'd want somebody to tell her it is was her.

She not only is pointing out flaws, but seems to be making stuff up or at least greatly exaggerating it.  She pointed out a 'ton' of gray hair and wrinkles while you hardly have any gray hair and no wrinkles.  In my opinion, it sounds like she wants to knock you down a peg, and does it under the guise of being a helpful friend so you'd be the bad guy for getting angry at her insults.  Maybe she has low self-esteem and is the type of person who tries to make others feel bad so she can feel better about herself.  Whatever the reason, her behavior is rude and hurtful and she sounds like a lousy friend.

Does she invade your personal space when she inspects you?  I'd imagine she'd have to be pretty close to you to be counting grey hairs.  I can't imagine a friend inspecting me for the purpose of finding flaws to point out.  I'd pull my arm away or move whatever part of my body she was trying to inspect.  Next time she uses the line, "I'd want to know if it was me", you can tell her "well I don't want to know and I don't appreciate my supposed friends trying to pick me apart".  If she's like this with everybody, its amazing she has any friends at all.

[Thriving ~ the next adventure]

You could always try to shock her out of this habit by turning the criticism mirror on her.  Whenever she starts in on you, tell her one flaw you see in her for every flaw she sees in you:

Her:  "Your hair is flat and lifeless"
You:  "Is that a chin hair I see on you?  Nope.  I see five chin hairs."

Her:  "What's happening to your waistline?"
You: "Did you get that shirt on clearance 'cause I can't imagine anyone paying full price for it."

Her:  "You're getting crow's feet"
You:  "Why do your earlobes droop so low?  I think that's a sign of disease."

Her:  'I see you're picking at your fingernails again."
You:  "Wow.  That bra really accentuates your back fat"

.....and so on.  One for one. 

LOL CC that is funny but Evil

[sourgirl27]

Evil Emmy would be tempted to return the favor by pointing out her flaws.  After all, she did say she'd want somebody to tell her it is was her.

She not only is pointing out flaws, but seems to be making stuff up or at least greatly exaggerating it.  She pointed out a 'ton' of gray hair and wrinkles while you hardly have any gray hair and no wrinkles.  In my opinion, it sounds like she wants to knock you down a peg, and does it under the guise of being a helpful friend so you'd be the bad guy for getting angry at her insults.  Maybe she has low self-esteem and is the type of person who tries to make others feel bad so she can feel better about herself.  Whatever the reason, her behavior is rude and hurtful and she sounds like a lousy friend.

Does she invade your personal space when she inspects you?  I'd imagine she'd have to be pretty close to you to be counting grey hairs.  I can't imagine a friend inspecting me for the purpose of finding flaws to point out.  I'd pull my arm away or move whatever part of my body she was trying to inspect.  Next time she uses the line, "I'd want to know if it was me", you can tell her "well I don't want to know and I don't appreciate my supposed friends trying to pick me apart".  If she's like this with everybody, its amazing she has any friends at all. 
 
yes, she does invade my space! she was practically on top of me. i did send her an email and told her i don't have a ton of grey hair or wrinkles, and i don't understand why she feels such a strong need to make me feel like crap about myself. her response was that she's sorry, she didn't mean to hurt me, and yes, i really do have grey hair, and i  have "character lines" around my eyes. so, even with an apology she still insults. i am not vain and i am well aware of my flaws, but i do not have wrinkles and i have only a rew grey hairs that nobody but her has ever noticed. i'm  just going to start giving it back to her!

[hobish]

I have a friend who is kind of like that. She is the kind of person who will walk up to you and ask if you did that to your hair on purpose. She, too, had a rough life, and i think she used that as an excuse for a long time. A few years ago she moved away from the East Coast and surprise! had no friends because everyone thought she was abrasive. Go figure. Of course, now that she has moved away from the home area she thinks she is better than everyone else for having left. You just can't win.

I wish i had some advice. I don't know how to deal with my friend sometimes, either ... and she does have a lot of really good points - kindness just isn't one of them.

[Summrs]

Start calling her Bonzo.  Chimps examine each other like that, human friends don't.

[Donna]

I have a friend who did a very similar thing.  She and her husband came to visit, and the first day she informed me (not in so many words) that I was getting fat (Me: "and you think I don't know that?").  The second day her husband told me I was old.  The third day she mentioned that I didn't dress particularly well.  That was as much as I could take.  I looked at her and I said "I'm fat, I'm old, and I don't dress well.  You guys need to come visit more often to keep me from getting a swelled head."

To her credit, she's never mentioned my appearance again.