you have a ton of grey hair, and wrinkles, too!

[Ida]

her response was that she's sorry, she didn't mean to hurt me, and yes, i really do have grey hair, and i  have "character lines" around my eyes.

Ida Said: "And I have terrible taste in friends!"

Oops, did I say that out loud? Bad Ida!

[Merry Mrs Martin]

Its PA she's saying something mean hurtful and incredibly rude under the guise of being helpful and I would want to know.  No one wants ever flaw real or perceived pointed out.   According to her rules when she says you look fat in those pants you should be thanking her for pointing it out.

She isn't doing it to be helpful she knows its mean the I'm just trying to help you point of view is just so she can berate you while claiming she's being helpful. She is getting some satisfaction from knowingly  hurting your feeling

you can ask her to stop - you have and she hasn't   
you can responce with silence
you can  coldly said "thank you for your concern" pass bean dip
you could chose never to speak to her again

it would be rude of you to say " that was a very rude thing to say" 
I earned my own place in e-hell "that was rude" seems to be the one phrase that stops my mom ..my choice be a bit rude sometimes and call her out or not have a relationship with her

you have to pick what will work for you

[CrayonOutlines]

My version of Chocolate Cake's examples:

Her:  "Your hair is flat and lifeless"
You:  "How kind of you to say."

Her:  "What's happening to your waistline?"
You: "How kind of you to notice."

Her:  "You're getting crow's feet"
You:  "How kind of you to say."

Her:  'I see you're picking at your fingernails again."
You:  "How kind of you to notice."

ALTERNATELY:

Her:  "What's happening to your waistline?"
You: "Yeah, I'm putting on weight to see how many people I can get to make rude comments to me."

Her:  'I see you're picking at your fingernails again."
You: "Yeah, I did it to see how many people I can get to make rude comments to me."



If you want to, you can turn around these comments in your mind to make them something positive for yourself:
You get a point/star/tick mark/check for every criticism she lobs at you.  Once you get to, say, 10, you get to buy yourself a magazine/tube of lipstick/bottle of nail polish.  Or you can make it a larger goal, like for every 50 you get a pair of shoes or a manicure or something. 

I did this once when there was a woman I found annoying in a meeting I was in.  I spent the morning with my head about to explode, went to lunch, came up with this system, and WANTED her to do the annoying thing in the afternoon session.  I got a star every time she did it, 10 stars = 1 bottle of nail polish.  I got THREE bottles of nail polish out of that afternoon.   

You can't necessarily change your friend's behavior, but you CAN change how it affects you.

[Grassh0pper]

I confess to having replied to such comments with "Are you trying to be rude or is it just a natural talent?"

[Portugal79]

lol this happend to me a few weeks ago, when i was out with my eldest sister at a party. and my roots had been growing for ages. she turned to ma and said too loudly, that i was grey at only 32. my response was this


Me: growing up with you, I'm supposed i wasn't grey by the age of 10.

my sister (a total alpha), friends laughed there head off at this...it was perfect

[MrTango]

If I were having the conversation:

Friend: That mole looks like cancer
Me: I've had it for years and it hasn't changed in size, color, or shape.  Thanks for your concern, though.
Friend: Yeah, that mole's definitely cancer.

I'd be very tempted to respond with:

Me: Really?  I wasn't aware that you're an Oncologist.  Where did you do your residency? 

[Giggity]

"How exactly do you think this is helping me?"

[Phoebe]

Commenting on someone's appearance is bad enough, but the "inspecting" business is creepy.  No one gets to "inspect" me except my doctor, and even then under controlled circumstances.  She's way over the line.  I'd have left as soon as she started on the mole and not waited to hear about my grey hair and wrinkles.

As for grey hairs: "no, you have a lot more than that. you have..." she starts counting "17!" if it happens again, tell her you only had four when you got there.

[Lynda_34]

Count your blessings that she didn't pull them out to help you.

[Isometric]

Bleh, toxic friend!

IMHO she's jealous of you, and is pointing out your flaws (if you can call them that) to try to lift her own self esteem.

[Venus193]

Do you really need someone like this in your life?

I'd try all the tactics mentioned here and see if anything works.  If nothing works it's time to be direct.  With an ultimatum if necessary and if you are prepared to carry it out.

[Piratelvr1121]

LOL If I wanted to hear that sorta thing I'd call up my mother.  I'll never forget the moment I learned I had my first gray hair.  At 17.  I swear it was because she'd joined my aunts and myself on a cross-state bike trip, as that's when my aunt noticed it.   It didn't bother me, rather I thought "Cool, now I have an excuse to color my hair!" LOL!

My MIL won't color her hair to cover her patches of gray. She calls them her badges of motherhood.

[Petticoats]

"How exactly do you think this is helping me?"

This. I wonder if it would help her see how she's coming off if you asked her, seriously, "What do you think I should do about it?"

Her: You have a ton of wrinkles!
You: What do you think I should do about it? Botox? Face lift? Dermabrasion?
Her: (some variation of "no")
You: Then how is it helping me to have them pointed out? Now I'm just going to be self-conscious about them.

It's one thing (you might also say) to have it pointed out that, for example, a particular blouse isn't as flattering as some others, because you can put that information to use by choosing to not wear that blouse again. With actual personal attributes, though, remedies may be impractical or nonexistent, so all she's doing is making you feel bad.

[TheOtherLove]

Oh I am bad....I would start pointing out all her flaws.  Tit for tat

[SamiHami]

Or you could start each get together with her by saying, "Okay, go ahead and get the insults out of the way right now, so I can enjoy the rest of our visit. You have two minutes...what do you want to criticize and put down about me today?"

I would do that every time, and especially in front of other people she does this to. Perhaps they will be inspired and adopt this tactic as well. Maybe enough of that would make her stop.