fork wielding at the table

[Robert]

I have a brilliant nephew that just graduated 8th in a class of over 150 from law school. The problem: After taking a bite holding the fork like a shovel, he goes straight to the elbow with the shovel slightly over head. To make matters worse, he surrounds his plate on the other elbow well onto the table. My wife and I fear he is going to suffer disrespect among his peers with this and other inappropriate table manners.

Do you have any advice?

Robert

[ShadesOfGrey]

Hey Robert- I think you may have mistakenly posted in the wrong section. I bet your post would get more traction in the Life in general section. As for you nephew, have you considered taking him out for a fancy meal and modeling good manners? Or perhaps you could bring up table mannrs in general in casual conversation. Good luck!

[hellgirl]

Also, where abouts in the world are you? Because the correct way to hold a fork is a regional thing, so it will be easier to judge how bad an offence the 'shovelling' is if we know what country/area we're dealing with 

I would suggest, for starters, having him over for dinner and pointing out (gently) a few of the problems.

He starts to 'guard' his food with his elbow? Maybe you could jokingly ask him if he's worried people will steal it 

Otherwise, depending on your relationship, sitting down for a heart to heart could be the way to go.
"Nephew, you're a professional lawyer (or whatever) now, and we're really proud of you. You're likely to have a lot of business lunches and dinners in your new career, and I know this sounds silly, but I'm worried about your table manners. You have a habit of waving the fork around over your head when you eat and looking like you're guarding your plate. I do realise it doesn't reflect your work, but some people really notice and care about such things. It doesn't look very professional, and we want people to think the best of you. "

[Chocolate Cake]

"Nephew, you're a professional lawyer (or whatever) now, and we're really proud of you. You're likely to have a lot of business lunches and dinners in your new career, and I know this sounds silly, but I'm worried about your table manners. You have a habit of waving the fork around over your head when you eat and looking like you're guarding your plate. I do realise it doesn't reflect your work, but some people really notice and care about such things. It doesn't look very professional, and we want people to think the best of you. "

This.

And, this post reminds me of a CSI episode I saw once where one of the detectives noted to his partner how another person had his elbow/arm on the table around his plate while he was eating.  The partner said, "Someone's had some jail time.  Who else but ex-cons guard their plate like that?"

[artk2002]

And, this post reminds me of a CSI episode I saw once where one of the detectives noted to his partner how another person had his elbow/arm on the table around his plate while he was eating.  The partner said, "Someone's had some jail time.  Who else but ex-cons guard their plate like that?"

Sounds very typical of CSI -- jumping to conclusions as the "only reason it could possibly be."  Probably arrested someone based on that.

(Hmmm... growing up with 4 older brothers might make someone guard their food like that.)

[Dindrane]

I think hellgirl's suggestion is an excellent way to broach the topic in a heart-to-heart fashion.

Aside from that, if you think your nephew is the kind of person who would take a joke as it's meant (gentle prodding that is still funny), you could poke gentle fun at his table manners to get him to notice that they maybe don't look so great to others.

[SkrunchyB]

If he'll be interviewing with several firms in the near future, maybe you can offer a "practice interview lunch."  Some companies might actually take applicants to lunch to get a feel for them; but even if they don't, he can practice thinking with lots of distractions.

Plus, it gives you an opportunity to say: "Nephew, check out your body language.  You might want to be careful about seeming open, honest, and confident with your posture, rather than hunched over like you're hiding something."

[hellgirl]

Another thought - if he's not getting why it's important you could liken it to wearing inappropriate shoes (like sneakers with a suit to the office), or too short pants (I'm talking really short... fashion faux pas short), or some other inappropriate behaviour. It gives no indication of your abilities, but it does affect how people view you. And that's sadly very important in business.

[Redheaded One]

You are his aunt, and as such I would take him aside and tell him in plain terms what you describe in your post.  From what you describe, that behavior will really be professionally detrimental to him.  It can cost him clients and job opportunities.  I wouldn't want someone with manners like that representing me, or my business.

Tell him the truth before he is told the truth under unpleasant circumstances.

[hellgirl]

Redheaded One - I think that 'Robert' may be his uncle 

[katycoo]

Have you seen him do this in a formal environment?
I must say, I take far better notice of my table manners when I'm out somewhere nice.
Perhaps he is taking advantage of the casual nature of dinner at home (although whether that is excusable is a seperate debate)

[Kit]

As others have said, there is going to have to be some sort of talk with nephew - and it will be an absolute kindness to him.  In his profession there will certainly be instances when he will be dining with others, and the table manners you describe don't sound very attractive - particularly the food guarding!

Better for it to come from family than the senior partner in a some law firm...

Good luck - these things are never easy!

[AuntieA]

I had an old and dear male friend (OF) I introduced to BF, and the two became buddies. BF noticed that OF's table manners left a bit to be desired.  While on a "boy's" hiking trip, BF just pointed out the behaviors needing improvement in a "Dude, that's kind of annoying/off-putting/rude" offhanded manner, kind of a guy-to-guy form of address. OF took the advice to heart and became a much more tolerable dining companion.

[VorFemme]

And, this post reminds me of a CSI episode I saw once where one of the detectives noted to his partner how another person had his elbow/arm on the table around his plate while he was eating.  The partner said, "Someone's had some jail time.  Who else but ex-cons guard their plate like that?"

Sounds very typical of CSI -- jumping to conclusions as the "only reason it could possibly be."  Probably arrested someone based on that.

(Hmmm... growing up with 4 older brothers might make someone guard their food like that.)

I had two younger brothers who seemed to want to eat their weight in food - I had friends in elementary school (we moved) who were in a family with ten children.  I would bet that they guarded their plates, too!  Is the nephew an only child?

Or did he have a family member who ALWAYS asked for "just a taste" off your plate and took a serving spoon full (half of the food) instead of a nibble?  I remember running into a few of the "just a taste" crowd who seemed to need a chunk the size of a ping pong ball to "taste" anything.  Something the size little baby spoon sized bite that gets given out as a "sample" at the ice cream store just didn't satisfy them.................and they wondered why nobody would sit anywhere near them a second time...........

[FunkyMunky]

And, this post reminds me of a CSI episode I saw once where one of the detectives noted to his partner how another person had his elbow/arm on the table around his plate while he was eating.  The partner said, "Someone's had some jail time.  Who else but ex-cons guard their plate like that?"

Sounds very typical of CSI -- jumping to conclusions as the "only reason it could possibly be."  Probably arrested someone based on that.

(Hmmm... growing up with 4 older brothers might make someone guard their food like that.)

FMIL is one of ten. You should see how the youngest eats...crouched over the plate, eating as fast as he can.