Author Topic: But what if they know it's possible?  (Read 8845 times)

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pootbear

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #15 on: June 29, 2009, 04:04:46 PM »
He wants to come to the event, but he doesn't want to go by himself since this is his first one and Kay doesn't want to go, so she keeps asking me if he can go with me.

If he does go, I probably will run into him and say hi (it's that small), but there is no way I'm inviting him to go with me or allow him to gate crash my "me" time.

May I encourage you to really work even harder at getting your head around the concept that you do not have to "agree with everyone and everything" and that your are "allowed to say no and not have to justify why".  Not only do your DESERVE this, I am afraid you're right and you will run into Mr.Kay at this event. And I'm afraid shaking him off in person will take some confidence.    If you plan ahead, you can 'pay it ahead' with some extra confidence so that when faced with an unplanned tag-a-long, you can handle him. 

All you have to do is greet him briefly and then smile and say "You'll need to excuse me now..." as you walk off. Don't be afraid to do it every time you run into him, either!

So my suggestion is that you push your head a bit more and remember that YOU are important and YOU deserve to make your own choices. Also, IMHO, some people use other people's niceness,  desire to avoid hurting people and manners, to enable the use of that nice, kind and polite person. 

So once you've said "NO, I'm sorry that won't be possible..." several times and/or "Excuse me...." to someone who just keeps coming at you and/or if they keep pressing you with "WHY?" I'd say unless there a real good reason to avoid honesty (your boss or family connections) BE HONEST and says, gently and politely "It's not possible because I've decided it's not possible..."

I also do not think answering (politely and gently) that the 'why' or subject matter is personal business I will not discuss, is in the least bit rude. When someone kept pressing me after that, I finally responded to "It's none of your business...".  PB

sashamikhail

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2009, 12:14:39 AM »

If she will not allow you to bow out with "Thank you, but I'm afraid that won't be possible.", would you feel comfortable simply telling her the truth?  (i.e. "I'm looking forward to having some unstructured 'no plans' time just for myself but if I'm up to hanging out I'll call you."  Or even just telling her "I don't want to make any plans beyond the event for this trip.")  It's particularly important to practice being assertive if you are not accustomed to it, especially if, as another poster pointed out, you will likely be approached by this woman's husband during the event. 

Honestly, it should be assumed by the listener that a refusal is the end of the issue, not an opening to start negotiations.  Aside from the truly socially clueless listener (which is more rare than first glance would suggest), anyone who continues pressing for more reasons or arguing the validity of a given response is being rather rude.  Well, I suppose even the clueless are also being rude, even if unintentionally!  Either way, standing firm with such people is not rude, nor is it in any way inappropriate; it is a matter of showing respect for yourself by creating and maintaining your boundaries. 


Grassh0pper

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2009, 12:16:33 AM »
One I use that has been completely successful is "I'm sorry but that just won't work for me"

Its a real catch all and there's not really a way of anyone coming up with anything to counter it.

Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2009, 04:34:45 AM »
One I use that has been completely successful is "I'm sorry but that just won't work for me"

Its a real catch all and there's not really a way of anyone coming up with anything to counter it.

""Why won't it work for you ?? ??""

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Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #19 on: July 03, 2009, 04:38:07 AM »
One I use that has been completely successful is "I'm sorry but that just won't work for me"

Its a real catch all and there's not really a way of anyone coming up with anything to counter it.

"It won't, but, whyyyyy, Im not asking for much"

"" I would do it for You ""

""Why??""

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Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #20 on: July 03, 2009, 04:40:09 AM »
One I use that has been completely successful is "I'm sorry but that just won't work for me"

Its a real catch all and there's not really a way of anyone coming up with anything to counter it.

Applologies GrasshOpper. My toxic family would eat this one alive...........

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Amava

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #21 on: July 03, 2009, 04:53:25 AM »
"Why won't it work for you?? ??"
->  "It just won't." or silence, see below

"It won't, but whyyyyy, I am not asking for much"
"I would do it for You"
"Why??"


-> Silence. Never reward whining and guilt trips with an answer. Don't let yourself be pushed into a defensive position, either.

:)

Quote from: Grassh0pper
My toxic family would eat this one alive....
Only if you let them. :) I have learned this the hard way.

iridaceae

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #22 on: July 03, 2009, 05:20:46 AM »
I have a purely practical suggestion: when you check in, ask the hotel to list you under a different name.  They shouldn't have a problem with this (honeymoon couples often do this, for example), and they can then truthfully tell her that there is no one by the name of Lulupop registered at the hotel.  Because otherwise she-or her husband-  will probably be calling your room nonstop.




Grassh0pper

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #23 on: July 05, 2009, 09:16:16 PM »
Sounds like I've been let off lightly when called to use that!!

Mind you I have only ever used it in a work situation. My family would never push a "no" like that.

Minmom3

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #24 on: July 06, 2009, 01:02:01 AM »
Thought I'd give you guys a little update. I don't think I'll have a problem saying no, not gonna happen to Kay anymore after this.

I got an email today from a mutal friend (MF) of Kay and me. It's a forwarded email from Kay to MF, asking if she knew why my ex-BF and I broke up. She and Ted met him when they moved to BigCity so they would know someone down there. (and I was totally okay with it - he's a better friend then boyfriend and knows BigCity).

She's decided that he's such a nice guy and doesn't understand why we broke up, and wants us all to meet up on a double date when I'm in BigCity to see with ex-BF and I can work things out.

Yeah, that's not going to happen.  ::) Like I said, nice guy - but not the guy for me and I thought that Kay knew that.

MF forwarded it me to ask what she should say, and also give me a heads up on Kay's plan to play matchmaker. I told MF to tell Kay that if she wanted to know about my rel@tionship with ex-BF, she should talk straight to me (but make it sound like MF was giving the advice, not just parroting my answer).

I also asked MF not to pass on stuff from Kay anymore - if Kay wants to contact me, she knows how. I'm not going to play chinese whispers.

Somehow I don't think this will be the last story of Kay...

Lord, life is SO tedious when people act like that!    :P
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

Auntie Mame

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #25 on: July 09, 2009, 04:23:04 PM »
If I want a relaxing day at home dleeping in, puttering around and playing my favorite silly video games.  Those ARE plans.

Free time?  What free time?  You've already filled that time with plans to sleep in, lounge around and wander off when the mood strikes you.

"Sorry I already have plans"
"What are they? I know you don't have plans"  whine snivel
"They are my plans.  Gotta go. Bye."
Auntie needs fuel, black coffee and a side car.

caranfin

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #26 on: July 12, 2009, 09:50:59 PM »
One I use that has been completely successful is "I'm sorry but that just won't work for me"

Its a real catch all and there's not really a way of anyone coming up with anything to counter it.

""Why won't it work for you ?? ??""

"Just won't. But you should go have fun. Hey, are you going to try the bean dip while you're there?"
"It conflicts with my other plans."
"Too complicated to get into. Just believe me when I say it's not going to happen."
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.

Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: But what if they know it's possible?
« Reply #27 on: July 12, 2009, 09:57:35 PM »
Carrifin I just Pm ed you  8)

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