Possible Christmas mix-up

[MadMadge43]

The only real way to tell between real pearls and fake is to rub them on your front teeth. If they feel gritty they're real.

And I wore real pearl earrings for 5 years. Never took them off (I have an aversion to changing earrings, I always loose them, forget about them whatever, so I just buy a nice pair and wear them for years).

And they're not really that expensive, you can get a pair for $20 or $2000 whichever. I was given my first real pair by my aunt when I was 14. I of course promptly lost one in the carpet while changing them (maybe that's my aversion to taking them out, hmmm). 8 years later my mom got a new vaccuum cleaner and out popped the earring. By that time I had already lost the other one that I thought I had saved so diligently.

Enjoy them and don't think about it too much.

[Bethalize]

She doesn't go as far as to say that buying me Gift X means we won't be able to afford Necessity Y, but she's been known to complain a blue streak about the price of everything from school tuition to salad dressing, and then in the next breath, she'll say something like, "Oh, by the way, Freaky, just warning you, there'll be men coming over to paint the kitchen/re-shingle the roof/re-gild the driveway next week."

Her money, her priorities. It's not nice to turn around and tell someone their priorities are out of whack. Is it possible she's asking for appreciation? Then again, some people just complain.

[fklwmn]

okay, this has 3 pages of replies... I didn't red them all yet, but just wanted to offer my advice...

First of all, there is NO reason you can't wear real pearl earrings with jeans and a sweater. And WHO is going to know if they are real or fake unless you tell them?

But if you are really uncomfortable with your parents having spent that kind of money on you, have your BROTHER say something to your mom. It could be that mom knows you asked for fake ones but wanted to do something special for you so she got you real ones. Moms can be that way

So your brother can say "Hey Mom, when freaky and I were shopping the other day, she mentioned those earrings she asked for. did you realize she meant FAKE ones? She said she would never ask you to spend the kind of money that real ones ould cost. Just thought I would give you a heads up."

And shame on your brother for spoiling your Christmas surprise!!! Tell him next time he needs to keep his mouth shut!

[freakyfemme]

She doesn't go as far as to say that buying me Gift X means we won't be able to afford Necessity Y, but she's been known to complain a blue streak about the price of everything from school tuition to salad dressing, and then in the next breath, she'll say something like, "Oh, by the way, Freaky, just warning you, there'll be men coming over to paint the kitchen/re-shingle the roof/re-gild the driveway next week."

Her money, her priorities. It's not nice to turn around and tell someone their priorities are out of whack. Is it possible she's asking for appreciation? Then again, some people just complain.

Of course I appreciate what my parents do for me......it's just incongruous when my mom pays hundreds upon hundreds of dollars for the frivolous home-improvement project of the minute, or buys extravagant gifts at Christmas time, or lavishes me and my brother with care packages of useless trinkets during the school year (fuzzy blue Easter bunny ears, anyone?); and then pitches a fit about paying $3.99 for a bottle of salad dressing.

Edited to add:  It's unlikely that my brother would clarify the mix-up with my mom.....see, he wants to be the "favourite."  When my mom asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he "couldn't think of anything" (but later told me he wanted ice skates), so now he's "non-materialistic," and since I specified things, that makes me look "spoiled" by comparison.  He's got me right where he wants me, so why would he try to change that?  Also, he didn't reveal to me that he wanted the ice skates until after we were at the video store picking up a movie we'd reserved for my dad (we did Christmas shopping as a team this year--I called the stores in advance to see if they had the movie my dad wanted, and the book my mom wanted, he drove both of us, and we agreed that he'd get my dad the gift he'd asked for, and I'd do the same for my mom), and he said "Oh yeah, Freaky, I want Blahblah Movie for Christmas!!!"; and I dutifully purchased Blahblah Movie (which I later wrapped up, and will be giving to him on Christmas morning).  So now *I* can't even get my brother his ice skates (I probably could have sprung for gently used ones), because I already got him Blahblah Movie, and I can't afford both. 

[nordique]

I think you're worrying far too much about this. Like most people have stated already, pearls aren't necessarily that expensive and I'm sure your mom just wants to make you happy.

I was given my first set of pearl stud ear rings when I was 4 by my grandmother, and I still have them. (and my family certainly isn't rich or hoity toity in any way) Real pearls will last and you can wear them with everything.

I wouldn't worry about what people will think if they find out you have real pearls. Whoever comments on it beyond complimenting them, will be the rude one.

Have a wonderful christmas and make sure you practice that surprised and delighted look for christmas morning 

[Bethalize]

Of course I appreciate what my parents do for me. 

Of course you do - but that's not the same as showing appreciation, and that is not the same as showing appreciation in the way that people need.

......it's just incongruous when my mom pays hundreds upon hundreds of dollars for the frivolous home-improvement project of the minute, or buys extravagant gifts at Christmas time, or lavishes me and my brother with care packages of useless trinkets during the school year (fuzzy blue Easter bunny ears, anyone?); and then pitches a fit about paying $3.99 for a bottle of salad dressing.

This is a psychological 'game' or possibly 'racket' (and I use the words 'game' and 'racket' in the transactional analysis sense). I am wary of offering analysis of someone else's family on an etiquette board, but from all your reports it sounds that this is a 'script' that covers up guilt at having spent on other things (although there could be hundreds of reasons).

It's not about logic or recognising the causes of behaviour and I really recommend that you don't try and force recognition of what you've said. Just accept that it's something she does and let her live her life her own way. And if you really can't stand it, agree with her and say she's right, she should get the Miracle Whip. There's a script to this sort of behaviour, and if you can figure it out and play it sometimes it can make her happy and cause no harm. Other times it's about making someone else the problem and that's not fair to be drawn into.

Don't get drawn into other games. If she makes you fee that you are the cause of no money, then trot over to TF board because they are used to that. And grab a copy of "The Games People Play" by Eric Berne from the library. It's a short book but worth reading.

[Sterling]

Ok I don't "do" jewlery but I do wear either my pearl earrings or my diamond studs almost everyday.  they are perfect with jeans or formal wear.  I think you are worried a littel to much over nothing.  My pearls were less than $50 and I love them.

And at work I hardly wear anything other than black pants and button down shirts.

[Ticia]

freaky: My mom does a lesser version of the same thing. She spends a lot of money on food.  Good food, gourmet food. She spends a lot of time fixing really really good food and she enjoys it.

However, to get her to turn up the A/C in the middle of a 100 degree day would be like pulling teeth. She can't justify the expense to herself, I suppose, so everyone just puts on t-shirts and shorts.

However... it's her house, her money, her priorities.

You see, for a long time when I was growing up, we didn't have a lot of money. Milk was powdered milk mixed with 1% milk, that kind of thing. We ate a lot of potatoes, because they're cheap. We had six kids in our family and those were the sacrifices we had to make. We didn't starve, by any means, but dinner was not extravagant. Now that all of her kids are out of the house, I think she feels like she can finally enjoy eating again, so she is!

I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't understand why I spend almost $300 on a car seat, but then complain about the cost of groceries. Just my priorities. My money. My house.

[jibby]

freakyfemme, I'm disappointed that you don't have a hilarious retort for anyone who would be so rude as to comment like that on your jewelry, lol.  Wait, promise me that you do, but actually saying it would be rude, right? Right?  Don't make me lose the faith! <wink>

It's possible that you're worrying a little too much about it, *but* I think I also understand where you're coming from.  When I was little (about 6 or so), several girls from our congregation came over to play.  The following week, one girl's mother informed my parents that I had far too many toys and "name-brand" items, and she would no longer allow her family (some of the girls were cousins) to play at our house or associate with me.  So I was out of the clique until we switched congregations many years later. Some people are just self-righteous and you will make yourself miserable trying to make them comfortable.   

Next, shame on your brother for ruining the surprise and for trying to make you look greedy.  And, in reading all of the posts, I don't think there is really anything you can do with your mom, except thank her profusely for what will become a great heirloom item. 

[freakyfemme]

freakyfemme, I'm disappointed that you don't have a hilarious retort for anyone who would be so rude as to comment like that on your jewelry, lol.  Wait, promise me that you do, but actually saying it would be rude, right? Right?  Don't make me lose the faith! <wink>

It's possible that you're worrying a little too much about it, *but* I think I also understand where you're coming from.  When I was little (about 6 or so), several girls from our congregation came over to play.  The following week, one girl's mother informed my parents that I had far too many toys and "name-brand" items, and she would no longer allow her family (some of the girls were cousins) to play at our house or associate with me.  So I was out of the clique until we switched congregations many years later. Some people are just self-righteous and you will make yourself miserable trying to make them comfortable.   

Next, shame on your brother for ruining the surprise and for trying to make you look greedy.  And, in reading all of the posts, I don't think there is really anything you can do with your mom, except thank her profusely for what will become a great heirloom item. 

I guess you're right......and also, if I end up passing them on to my daughter, I have a built-in excuse for getting said daughter's ears pierced, even though my mom thinks it's "child abuse," lol.

[Buffy2424]

"It's a gift" is right.

I sort of know what you mean about other students.  I remember once in undergrad, a roommate and I were having our weekly pizza and beer in the common room.  Our other roommate stomped by and, out of blue, pitched a fit about how she wished she were rich and could sit around eating pizza!  We thought it was hilarious, though.  We referenced it for years.  Who can predict other people?

Note: she was working her butt off to spend $thousands$ joining a sorority and buying a new car.

[freakyfemme]

"It's a gift" is right.

I sort of know what you mean about other students.  I remember once in undergrad, a roommate and I were having our weekly pizza and beer in the common room.  Our other roommate stomped by and, out of blue, pitched a fit about how she wished she were rich and could sit around eating pizza!  We thought it was hilarious, though.  We referenced it for years.  Who can predict other people?

Note: she was working her butt off to spend $thousands$ joining a sorority and buying a new car.

Really?  She actually said that?  From my point of view, sometimes it's a luxury to have the time and resources to cook a proper meal at school, as opposed to having to get take-out or rely on the school's dining services, which are often abysmal.

[Tabris]

Freaky, the next time your mom gripes about the price of salad dressing, join right in with her.  if she's all bent out of shape because salad dressing is $3.99 a bottle, tell her that at college it's $4.25 a bottle. She tells you milk is $2.99 a gallon? You recently heard that in New York it's $4.

As you walk around, every day, just learn the price of one item at random and pull that out of your sleeve if she complains about something.

Freaky's Mom: "The salad dressing was $3.99 a bottle!"
Freaky: "That's insane! Do they make it with solid gold or something? Why don't they just have the cashiers pull out a handgun at the register and rummage through your wallet?"
Freaky's Mom:
Freaky: Do you know what CARROTS cost? Carrots! They're like three dollars a pound! And if you want organic--FORGET IT! You'd need a bank loan! The stupid things grow in the dirt, for crying out loud. It's not like they're hand-extruded through a million dollar machine only owned by NASA.
Freaky's Mom: Uh...yeah.
Freaky: Oh, yeah, I forgot--these pearl earrings just look great on me. Every time I see them in the mirror, I think how awesome they look. But I'd better not wear them to the grocery store or they'll jack up the price on the salad dressing even further! Oh well--gotta practice my clarinet now.
Freaky's Mom, thinking: When exactly did I lose control of the conversation?

[Buffy2424]

From my point of view, sometimes it's a luxury to have the time and resources to cook a proper meal at school, as opposed to having to get take-out or rely on the school's dining services, which are often abysmal.

That makes more sense, though we really enjoyed our pizza and beer.
I think she just exploded out of anger that she worked so much more than we did (which was true, she worked full-time, while we just had an internship and a part-time job, respectively).  But still, not our problem-- and also perspective-wise, we had one 10 year old car between us while she had just bought a new one. 

I have to admit, though, that it's not unusual to hear me griping about grocery prices of mundane items.  I live in N.C. and it is more expensive* than anywhere else I've lived, except London, England.  I think the thing with your mom and others is that they accept shelling out for say, tuition, but just can't believe salad dressing is up yet another 50 cents.

*edited to add that the grocery stores are more expensive than usual... outside of that, the cost of living is relatively low.

[fklwmn]

Freaky, the next time your mom gripes about the price of salad dressing, join right in with her.  if she's all bent out of shape because salad dressing is $3.99 a bottle, tell her that at college it's $4.25 a bottle. She tells you milk is $2.99 a gallon? You recently heard that in New York it's $4.

As you walk around, every day, just learn the price of one item at random and pull that out of your sleeve if she complains about something.

Freaky's Mom: "The salad dressing was $3.99 a bottle!"
Freaky: "That's insane! Do they make it with solid gold or something? Why don't they just have the cashiers pull out a handgun at the register and rummage through your wallet?"
Freaky's Mom:
Freaky: Do you know what CARROTS cost? Carrots! They're like three dollars a pound! And if you want organic--FORGET IT! You'd need a bank loan! The stupid things grow in the dirt, for crying out loud. It's not like they're hand-extruded through a million dollar machine only owned by NASA.
Freaky's Mom: Uh...yeah.
Freaky: Oh, yeah, I forgot--these pearl earrings just look great on me. Every time I see them in the mirror, I think how awesome they look. But I'd better not wear them to the grocery store or they'll jack up the price on the salad dressing even further! Oh well--gotta practice my clarinet now.
Freaky's Mom, thinking: When exactly did I lose control of the conversation?

Hahahaha... I LOVE this!