My friend bean dipped me!

[Chocolate Cake]

One of my very best friends has a son my son's age (the two boys are good friends as well).   We've all known each other for about 10 years.   Her son has had emotional problems since he was little.   My friend suspects that he has ADD and tendencies towards depression.   With regard to the ADD, she's worked very hard for years to help keep his attention on the task at hand (sitting with him while he does his homework, etc.) with limited success.  She's also very involved in helping to keep him "emotionally stablized" when he starts getting negative about his life (he's threatened suicide a couple times already).  She's had him in therapy off and on over the years and could probably pass the board exam for her psychiatric license herself given how she's immersed herself in learning all she can about his conditions.

Her husband, Jerry, (the boy's father) agrees that the boy likely suffers from ADD and depression but absolutely refuses to consider allowing him to be on medication.  As a result, my friend is very, very concerned about how her son will cope a couple years from now when he heads off for college without her daily involvement/presence in keeping him focused and stable.  I tend to think that she has just cause to be concerned.

During one of our recent conversations where she was, once again, outlining in detail all of her son's challenges with regard to the ADD/depression and her fears about him coping while in college, I suggested that she push the medication issue with her husband.  I said that this would seem to be the ideal time to get him started on meds so that the dosage could be watched/adjusted as needed over the next couple years before he leaves for college.   She replied that, "Jerry just won't allow it".

I replied that, "If I were in your shoes, this would be the hill to die on"  (meaning, of course, that I would seriously push back against Jerry on this issue if he were my husband and the boy was my son given the possible consequences of not pushing the issue).

She sighed and then bean dipped me by asking what I was currently reading!     I recognized the technique right away and followed her lead, but seriously, I don't think someone can bring up a subject like this numerous times and not expect some uncomfortable feedback.

[Amava]

I suppose she just wants / needs a listening ear to vent to, and no advice.

I agree with your opinion on the matter, but you can't force her to stand up.  

[Master_Edward]

I agree with Amava. Your friend probably just wants a sympathetic ear and for someone to listen while she vents. I'd lay off offering any advice unless she asks you specifically. Tough situation though.

Ed.

[Audrey Quest]

She bean dipped because she was uncomfortable with what you said.  It doesn't mean that she didn't listen to it.
 
Sometimes people can't face what you tell them, but it echoes in their head.  You said that you opinion is that it would be a hill to die on--for her its not, but I bet she is considering what you said.

[Chocolate Cake]

I had heard the story about her son's issues numerous times over the years we'd known each other.  All the other times, I'd nod and listen, asking questions to clarify her thoughts but never offering up my own opinion.  When she started recounting her concerns again this ime, I figured that I have nodded and listened long enough and decided to take a chance and say what I thought!    I figured that friends do this occasionally, right?  Once in 10 years probably isn't too bad!

[kareng57]

But - you already knew about the conflicts between the boy's mom and dad regarding medication.  You think it's important (and I'm certainly not arguing about that) and so does she - but you don't really have a stake here.  She does, and she has made her decision.

It's true that future converstations with her could be unpleasant, if you want to keep bringing up the medication issue.  You are well-meaning of course, but you might have to just let this go.

[secretrebel]

As a friend, though, how much are you expected to listen to venting on a topic and stay schtum? If the OP is hearing this over and over again, is she never to offer advice, offer advice only once and then continue listening, or what?

One of the things I like about my friends is that when they talk about a tricky topic it's because they want to hear advice. They might not always agree with the advice but they accept it graciously and if they're not keen on it say something like "I'll think about that".

In the example above I'd also be uncomfortable with the "my husband won't allow it response" to a medical concern. The child has two parents, why is the male partner the one who decides what medical intervention is appropriate.

Sometimes as a friend the right thing to do may be to mention an uncomfortable subject because you are concerned for your friend. The friend may not like hearing it but she should at least be grateful that you cared enough to be concerned. (That's is the suggestion comes from a legitimate health concern or similar, rather than just busy-body criticism.)

[caranfin]

In the example above I'd also be uncomfortable with the "my husband won't allow it response" to a medical concern. The child has two parents, why is the male partner the one who decides what medical intervention is appropriate.

I agree. My response would have been "So, Jerry is the sole decision-maker here? Has he done a lot of research that convinced you he's right, or is there some other reason you're going along with what he says?" I realize this is both pushy and nosy, but as others have said, when someone dumps their problems in your lap, they're opening the door for you to comment on them.

(Also, can you imagine being so cowed by your husband that you would allow him to veto treatment that you feel could keep your child from committing suicide???  )

[pinkunicorn]

Yes, it sounds to me like there is a lot more BG when it comes to your friend’s relationship with her husband.

Or maybe he is one of those people who fall into the trap of believing the stigma that surrounds mental illnesses and their treatments.

[GlindaBunny]

That's really sad for the boy.


We all have ADD and depression in my family.


DH and I estimate that Vyvanse is worth about 30k a year for him (increased salary due to better ability to get things done at work and look good to the powers that be)


depression meds are worth... well, his life.  we think there's no way he could've survived this incredibly stressful past few months without them.

I can't take meds til I'm done BFing, but I'm looking forward to getting the help.  I think medicated ADD is better than not having ADD at all, but I'm biased... and quite attached to my ADD fueled creativity and passion. 

[Nox]

When her son is old enough to go off to college, he can get meds w/o his parents' approval, right? Your friend sounds like she's worked really hard with her son throughout his life, perhaps they have a close enough relationship that she can  support and encourage medication choices even if his father doesn't.

[judyjudyjudy]

Hi, Chocolate Cake.  I think I'm going to show with my first post my lack of patience for this sort of thing.  As secretrebel says, how long must you listen to this and not say something?  Aren't you tired of being her sounding board? 

I don't know, is this something you're okay with continuing?  If it were me, I think I'd lose my mind.  I've always thought I'm a very good friend, but this would send me over the edge. 

Does she even need her husband's approval for this? 

[Hanna]

This thread is going off topic!  I'll bet we all have some very strong opinions on the topics of marriage, decision making and medicating children.  Posting mine would probably result in the thread being locked in short order. I will refrain and hope others can do the same so we can continue the discussion.

On topic:  Yes, you were bean dipped.  Next time she raises the topic I would tell her something like "Friend last time this came up you changed the subject.  I am probably not the best person for you to discuss it with because after all these years I have some strong opinions on the matter and I think you need an ear rather than advice.  I love you dearly, but it has become tough to contain my opinion."