Etiquette School is in session! > Complete Silence

i promised my daughter she could go to your ultrasound....

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i am 10 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby. my best friend wanted to go with me to my doctor appt. last week. i'm not sure why, she just waits in the waiting room, but ok, i like the company while i'm waiting. when i came back out after my appt, she asked me if i had an ultrasound, which i hadn't. she then informed me that she promised her 6 year old that she could come to my ultrasound. i just looked at her in silence. i mean, really. how about asking if i want a 6 year old hyper kid bouncing around the room while the sonographer is trying to do something serious?

furthermore, i don't even know if that is allowed! even if it is, i don't want her there! God forbid i get bad news, but if i did, i certainly don't need a little kid there while i am trying to absorb what i'm being told! this is the same friend who thinks it is her place to name my kids. i have set her straight on that. i know most people would advise me to just tell her what i think, but that does not work with this woman. she doesn't listen. she thinks that because we have been friends for 15 years, we don't need any boundaries. she is a good person, and always means well, and is always there when i need her, no matter what the issue is, that is why i am friends with her. i don't know what her obsession with my pregnancies is. she has 2 kids of her own. the way she acts, you would think it was her baby i am having!

i don't know if my silent look of disbelief got thru to her or not, but i'm betting not. i will not be telling her when i have an ultrasound scheduled. i didn't tell her when my gender revealing ultrasound with my son was, because i wanted a boy, and she was insistant that i was having a girl, and i didn't want her either gloating in my face if it was a girl, or raining on my parade if it was a boy. i told her over the phone that it was a boy, and she whined and moaned that she didn't want a "stupid" boy. i wanted to smack her! she can't just be happy that i got what i wanted, she has to whine because she didn't get what she wanted, as if it were her baby!

again, she really is great friend overall, it's my pregnancies that she drives me insane about. i cannot figure out why she  is so overbearing about my babies! informing me that she promised her daughter she could come to my ultrasound is a new low for her. just like with my last pregnancy, i will have to just keep her out of the loop to avoid dealing with her butting in, and bringing her kid along for the ride! i know she means well, but come on, she wouldn't like someone doing this to her!

With someone like this, I don't know that stunned silence is going to work. I would have said "Why on earth would you tell her that?" or "Well, now you can explain that you had no right to make that promise, because she's not going to be there, and neither are you."

Given your posts about this woman, I think you need to add a disclaimer to your descriptor of her as "she really is great friend overall*"

* except for those times where she is a rude, overbearing and inappropriate person who fails to respect my privacy and tries to bully me about my personal decisions, particularly those relating to the medical care of myself and my children. Oh, and also insults my choices.

Tell her, once, clearly, how inappropriate she is being. Then tell her what is and is not allowable. When she whines, say "I've told you my decision on this, and why". Then change the subject.

Frankly, I read your last posts on this woman and you were given some great advice on how to deal with her.  Are you looking for information again, or are you posting just to rant?

Because to me, if you're going to beat the gong and say she's a great friend, then you need to be willing to tolerate her atrocious and invasive behavior.  If not, then do something about it.  Someone who's a great friend will respect boundaries, not trounce them because they get some type of satisfaction out of it.  No matter if she's been there for you or not.  Likely, she's there for you because she gets some type of power out of the situation.  But that's just how I would read it.

I didn't Sourgirl's post as a rant.  She's still learning how to deal with a friend who has serious boundary issues.  This is a great place to find advice and support.  Learning to set and enforce boundaries is a process, it's not done over night.  And sometimes, once you have one strategy down, you need to learn a new one (or 10) because the clueless people in your life are also adapting.  I saw her post as reporting her using another EHell recommended tactic.

Sourgirl, just keep standing firm with her.  Don't even give her an inch.  Only you can decide if this a friendship worth saving, but if you decide that it is, the rules of your friendship need some serious editing and revisions. 

Check out some of Roe's early threads of learning to set boundaries with her SIL, K'nihave.  Her journey is a great success story.


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