Reviving this fascinating thread.
(that's ok, right? I got the "it's been more than 120 days, are you sure you want to reply?" warning, but I'm assuming for sharing stories (vs. giving advice) continuing on it ok, yah?)
I've had two doozies of a guest that I can think of. One was at a party. A friend of a friend in college, while very drunk, as a joke, put one of my kittens in the microwave. He didn't turn it on, but he put the kitten in, got my attention, and then pantomimed turning it on. Because of his actions, we learned the following:
1) Celany is much faster than you'd think
2) Celany is *much* stronger than her skinny, bony body looks (I was about 100lbs soaking wet then)
3) Celany is capable of throwing a much larger man out of her house
4) Celany has a horrifying expression of utter insanity that can terrify large men (and other party goers) when her kittens are threatened.
I didn't yell. But I did say (in that quiet, gentle sort of voice you use when any loud noise is going to make you go out-of-control nutso) that if I "ever ever saw him in or near my house again, he was going to be very, very sorry"
The other guy was a former roommate's friend's BF. He came back from living "out of town", and needed a place to crash for a while, while he found a job and looked for a place to stay full-time. He couldn't stay with his GF, because she lived with her parents and they were very strict about her "having guys over". He seemed like a nice guy, he used to be in the military, and was one of those medium-height, bulk-like-a-muscled-tank kind of guys who is sort of loud and cracks jokes a lot, but it also unfailingly polite, opens doors for women, and helps old ladies cross the street.
So, he moved into my 2nd bedroom. He had no computer skills, so I showed him some websites that had great tutorials on computer learning and told him he was free to use the computer whenever. At the time, I worked as a cocktail server, and I also had a part time crafts business. I made things, went to craft fairs, and worked anywhere from 2-4 nights a week at the nightclub as a cocktail server. When I was home, I usually spent most of my time in my bedroom, which was also my workroom, either crafting or spending quality time with my kittens (this happened about a month after the previous story).
All seemed well for the first few weeks. He's paying me a token amount of rent, gets a part-time job, and is saving money to find his own place. I didn't see the guy often, but he was always very nice to me. Then I noticed little odd things. Like not having as much lunch meat/cheese/milk/etc as I thought I had. I chalked it up to being forgetful, later to him eating my food. Which only actually bothered me because he never reciprocated (I'm generally quite cool with sharing food). Some of my clothing went missing; I figured maybe I left it at my BF's, or in the car. My computer has also started acting weird. Then, one day, I realized that the giant jug of quarters in my room seemed to be going down in number (I had a giant plastic maraschino cherry jar that I'd gotten from the bar. All our drinks cost either a round number or $-.25, like $4.25. I dumped my quarters into the jar with plans to cash them all in when the jar filled up and take a really nice vacation). So, just to be sure I wasn't misremembering, I got a knife, lightly scored the jar lid and the jar lip below the lid, made sure the two score marks lined up, then left the jar in its usual place (in my closet). A few days later, I check - the two score marks are completely separated. He's definitely stealing from me.
I'm furious. He's going to get thrown out, but first I need to corral some big guy friends into helping me, because as nice as this guy has been, no way am I confronting him on my own.
That night, he comes home, acting like a loon. Talking a mile-a-minute into his cell phone to someone named KiKi. KiKi is making a movie. The guy will be in the movie. He will be her star. No, he's never done a "real, professional" movie before, but he has been in some amateur movies. He'll be great as the star, because his "package" is "this big" and "this wide". No, he hasn't been STD tested in awhile, but he's sure he's fine. He wasn't anybody's "female dog" while he was in prison. Yeah, he's been out for about a month now. No, he doesn't still has his military uniforms to use in the movie, when he was dishonorably discharged, he got rid of them (or they took them back, I'm not sure). Naw, his girlfriend won't mind him being in these movies - or, well, either way it doesn't matter, because what she doesn't know, won't hurt *him*. Oh, and he'll be able to go at it for *hours* because he just found this awesome new coke dealer that has amazing product. He feels like he could stay awake for *days* right now.
I hear all this while I'm up in my bedroom, and he's downstairs talking a mile-a-minute at full volume on his phone. There is no way to get out of the house without running into him. And even if there was, I am not leaving behind my cat and kittens.
So, I quietly close my bedroom door (all cats were up with me, they tended to all stay with me when I was home). I pushed my dresser in front of my door, then turned out all the lights, other than a small reading light. I stayed up pretty much all night, listening to him bang around (but happily, when he came up to see if I was awake, he took for granted that my closed door and light out meant I was sleeping) until around 4-5 am, then finally pass out. I crept out the next morning, rounded up half a dozen big guy friends and went to kick him out.
When we got back, he wasn't there. That was good, as it allowed up to pack up ALL his stuff, and put it on the porch. I showed one of the guys my weird-behaving computer, who quickly deduced that it was full of bugs from all the "adult activities" being watched on my computer (and not by me. this totally squicks me out). I bought my guy friends some pizzas and beers, and we sat around and played cards until he got back. At which point, he saw all his stuff on the porch and came up yelling about what I was doing. So, I told him I knew he'd been stealing from me, I knew he was doing drugs, and I didn't want him in my house. At this point, he starts crying (actually crying) about how he knows he'd made mistakes, he only stole clothing that he thought looked ugly on me (to pawn it), he'd pay me back for the quarters, the part-time job he had wasn't making enough money, so he *had* to go into porn, and I had understand, he was a drug addict. He couldn't help himself.
So not my problem.
In the end, he left, throwing my keys at me, starting to swear revenge until some of my guy friends told him they'd hunt him down if he tried. So he stopped threatening & told me that if he died sleeping in his car, it was *my* fault.
Then I call the friend who asked me to have him stay with me, to warn her that he was kicked out and why. I learned: 1) She knew he was in jail 2) she knew he had a drug problem 3) she knew he'd been dishonorably discharged for drug-related activities 4) he couldn't live with GF, because her parents forbid her to see him (shocking, I know). So WHY didn't she tell me those things? Because she thought they weren't important, and wanted him to have a fair chance to get back on track.
She also ceased being my friend that day. And I've heard that, to this day, she wonders why sometimes.