Author Topic: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style  (Read 19948 times)

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GirlyJock

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #30 on: September 17, 2009, 05:17:46 PM »
I'm not sure how close they were. The groom was the house manager, so there was a decent amount of interaction there. I think that the real reason for the relationship/invite is that the fraternity in question always had a certain smell, and the cook was very good at procuring various substances for the brothers. I guess the groom wants to have the same thing at his wedding ::).

TootsNYC

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #31 on: September 17, 2009, 08:22:03 PM »
The funny thing is, I posted all the details on the knot before I decided, and everyone pretty much told me to get over it, that they'd have laughed at anyone who tried to make them change their wedding date, that it was her day, and I should get over everything (ignoring that I was a bride too and she took my dress/wedding ideas!) and stop being a baby.


Well, I think you could "get over" her picking the day she wants even if it is your one, single "blackout" day.

She can pick whatever day she wants, and she has lots of things to factor in when she's choosing the date. The choice of the date is "not about you."


But--you SAID THAT in your first  post!!!!!
It's a little hard to "get over" something if you're not "under" it at all.

I mean, you're OK to be a teeny bit hurt--she flat-out told you that she wasn't going to change anything to help you attend, and even told you that she *could* have (all the dates available?). So, obviously, your attendance is pretty far down on her list of "important things." So I can see you saying, "that's sort of stinky, that she wouldn't care about the important things in my ilfe."

The thing you don't need to "get over," though, is your annoyance at her reaction.

She may be thinking that when you get past the age of 12 (per Dave Barry), it's time to stop making a fuss about your birthday. I personally would roll my eyes at a grownup who felt that she couldn't do anythiing else on her bday except commemorate her bday.

But I do see that you're a quad, so it's actually "my entire family's birthday." (Though w/ your independence issues, this might have been the event to start cutting some of those apron strings.)

And besides, you're entitled to whatever "blackout" reason you want. Just, that you would have to know that SHE is hurt that you'd put your once-every-year and-besides-I'm-a-grownup-now birthday above her once-in-a-lifetime and you're-one-of-my-best-friends wedding.

So she would have a reason, perhaps to be hurt.

GirlyJock

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #32 on: September 17, 2009, 09:43:55 PM »
Toots, I understand what you're saying. However, I don't know that my first post was worded correctly. In late December, B2B asked me to be in her wedding, and I accepted, letting her know that the only date in 2010 that I wouldn't be able to attend was my birthday. A few weeks later, B2B mentioned that she wanted to get married in June, but hadn't decided on a day, and said that any date the church had to offer would be fine with her. I reminded her about my birthday being in June, and reminded her that I most likely wouldn't be able to attend if that was the date set, and she replied that that was fine it was the only date on conflict in the entire month.

The next day, she informed me she wanted to get married on the 19th. I told her that it was the only date that wouldn't work for me, but it was her wedding, and it was up to her (in this time, I'd gotten engaged, and she told me that her fiance called BK and I "copycats" for getting engaged, and then told me that I couldn't be the Maid of Honor, as I'd be wrapped up in planning my own wedding, when BK and I hadn't picked a date yet). Two days after that, she told me the church had every weekend in June free, so she got my birthday, like she wanted.

From her own words, my birth date was picked because that's the day she wanted. If there were a complication that made her pick my birthday, I might have re-thought dropping out. As it was, she gave me nothing to go on besides the fact that she wanted it then.

In addition, from her own planning I found out that she invited my ex, and was thinking about making him a groomsman, and was thinking of pairing us off (and she wanted us to dance together for the attendants' dance), and planned on making 12 dozen cupcakes using two different from-scratch cupcake recipes and icing them using two different kinds of from-scratch icing, and as indicated earlier in the thread, chances are the bridesmaids would be up into the early-morning getting that done.

So while the birthday thing was stinky, the fact that it seemed like she was planning on making things as awkward as possible for me (pairing me off with the guy I dated before BK at the ceremony? And making me dance with him? I don't think so) was weird and kinf of callus, was the combination of the two is what did it for me.

Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #33 on: September 17, 2009, 10:57:52 PM »
GirlyJock, you really don't need to justify your reasons for saying no.

She asked, You gave a maybe. then said No, when her date conflicted with yours.

It is not a 'summons' you have to do. It's a choice. You chose NO  8)

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pootbear

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #34 on: September 18, 2009, 02:17:57 PM »
GirlyJock, you really don't need to justify your reasons for saying no.

She asked, You gave a maybe. then said No, when her date conflicted with yours.

It is not a 'summons' you have to do. It's a choice. You chose NO  8)

Well said and may I add: the is something about 'explaining TOO much' that comes into play here.  Because you mentioned your birthday, when the she said-she saids got posted on facebook, it might tend to look like simple pettiness on your part especially if someone else decides to put that kind of spin on it.  Also, remember when she ended up picking the one date you'd mentioned was a no-go, do not take it personally. Remember she's got many family members etc... to juggle and unless a bridesmaid is a close to the bride as a sister, blood kin and new inlaws @B MUST come 1st when schedules are made.


After I mentioned explaining too much, I'm aware that my next sentence, to explain more, sounds silly, but......

But if you're worried that this situation on facebook may affect or already affected a job hunt or social contacts, I'd address the issue ONE MORE TIME, then leave it.

Perhaps something like:

 "I've received pointed several questions as to why I can not be B2B's bridemaid and perhaps need to clear the air. When we 1st talked about her wedding, she had not set an exact date. Unfortunately due to the myraid considerations in planning her event, she had to select a date for which I already had a family event scheduled.  I would have loved to have been a bridesmaid, hope to be able to help out as much as possible beforehand and will be thinking of her on her special day. Best Wishes to B2B and G2B!

That should answer anybody's questions and should counter any bad light being directed at you.

Meanwhile, I agree: you dodged a big sugar creme and tullie lace bullet with this bride and her big day!


Lynda_34

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #35 on: September 26, 2009, 12:27:31 AM »
She knew about your plans, you made that clear.
I like the suggestion of a previous poster to clean up your facebook.

You've taken the high road and done nothing wrong.

Relax, enjoy your family event. Send her best wishes.

The cupcake idea is great, count your blessings you won't be involved in that.
However, UPDATES are imperative.

Congratulations on your own engagement.  Have you picked a date? Are you inviting her to be part of your wedding party? (I would discourage that one.) However, again congratulations.

kudeebee

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #36 on: September 27, 2009, 01:55:55 AM »
I would defriend her from facebook and delete her posts.  If you get emails/questions about what happened, use the response pootbear gave you.  In person say it without emotion.

I would also stay away from her wedding planning and concentrate on your own. 

In this case, distance is your friend!

GirlyJock

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style *Update*
« Reply #37 on: October 06, 2009, 12:00:45 PM »
Update:

I'm still getting "For my awesome Bridesmaids" e-mails, where the B2B is telling her bridesmaids that she wants them to keep her accountable for x, y, and z. None of the bridesmaids live near her, so I have no idea how she wants them to hold her accountable for anything.

Also, she IM-ed me and mentioned that she was having a hard time writing her own vows. Then she asked me what BK and I were doing for our vows. I said we hadn't decided yet (my standard line when she asks about anything related to the wedding), and she asked if I had started writing my vows yet, because she wanted some ideas. Now, her wedding is before mine, so she could quote my vows verbatim, and no one would know that she hadn't written them. In addition, her fiance called BK and I "copycats" for getting engaged after they did (BK waited to propose so that they could have their time in the spotlight. Two days after our facebook status changed to engaged, the B2B posted a picture of her ring, which had been up previously, when she first got engaged), which is kind of a moot point, because BK and I are most likely going to use traditional vows.

But still, she basically wanted me to e-mail her any vows I'd written so that she could get "some ideas" for hers. I told her to google it.

Hawkwatcher

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #38 on: October 10, 2009, 05:46:04 AM »
Good for you.  I do not think that this person is a friend.  If possible, you might want to become too busy to respond to her emails.

Lisbeth

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #39 on: October 10, 2009, 10:59:42 AM »
Update:

I'm still getting "For my awesome Bridesmaids" e-mails, where the B2B is telling her bridesmaids that she wants them to keep her accountable for x, y, and z. None of the bridesmaids live near her, so I have no idea how she wants them to hold her accountable for anything.

Also, she IM-ed me and mentioned that she was having a hard time writing her own vows. Then she asked me what BK and I were doing for our vows. I said we hadn't decided yet (my standard line when she asks about anything related to the wedding), and she asked if I had started writing my vows yet, because she wanted some ideas. Now, her wedding is before mine, so she could quote my vows verbatim, and no one would know that she hadn't written them. In addition, her fiance called BK and I "copycats" for getting engaged after they did (BK waited to propose so that they could have their time in the spotlight. Two days after our facebook status changed to engaged, the B2B posted a picture of her ring, which had been up previously, when she first got engaged), which is kind of a moot point, because BK and I are most likely going to use traditional vows.

But still, she basically wanted me to e-mail her any vows I'd written so that she could get "some ideas" for hers. I told her to google it.

Let her E-mails go to your spam filter or directly to your Deleted Items for now.  Don't even respond "Google it" or give any suggestions whatsoever to help her-even if they're of a brusque "Figure it out for yourself."

She and her fiance have not behaved towards you or BK in a friendly way at all.
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RooRoo

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #40 on: November 07, 2009, 07:51:00 PM »
Aha. I detect a problem with which I am all too familiar. We soften the edges of hard things, to seem nicer...

"When people ask, I politely remind them that her wedding falls on MY birthday, which is a fairly big deal…

"...reminded her that I most likely wouldn't be able to attend if that was the date set..."

We need to stop beating around the bush! Your birthday is not a "fairly big deal," it is a date on which you will be unavailable! It is not "most likely" that you wouldn't be able to attend - it is impossible.

I'm guilty of this, too. Some people will only hear what they want to, and will translate "fairly big deal" into "something I can give up for you, o center of the universe," and translate ditto for "most likely."

Other people can't see a hint if it had a great big, Vegas-style neon sign on it saying "THIS IS A HINT!"

"she basically wanted me to e-mail her any vows I'd written so that she could get 'some ideas' for hers."

Response: "We will be using the ones in the Book of Common Prayer (or the Nuptial Mass, or whatever is standard in your faith)." Then, if she copies you, she's just using the same ones millions have used before.

Or you could be trickier and say you are thinking about the ones from whatever off-the-wall weirdity you can find. "Thinking about" does not mean "seriously considering!" That's probably way out on the fringes of good etiquette, though.

Good luck!

Ruthie
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GirlyJock

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #41 on: November 09, 2009, 12:07:04 PM »
I just found out why she took the whole "I won't be able to attend" thing so badly.

Apparently, she decided that to save money on a makeup artist, she decided that I'd do her makeup (I'm good at doing makeup, to the point where I regularly get compliments on it, BUT I'm only good at doing my own makeup, and while I could SHOW her how to do her own makeup, I doubt I could do her makeup nearly as well as I can do my own makeup), using my nice, expensive makeup (we have different colorings, and some stuff would work, but some stuff wouldn't help her appearance). Also, because I'd be getting married shortly after hers, I'd clearly know everything and anything that the bride might need, more than anyone else would. And I'd be better able to direct the setting up of stuff so that she could have a relaxing morning, sleep in, and then have a leisurely breakfast before I came in to do her makeup.

The kicker? In order for me to do all of that, and make it to the picture taking/wedding, I'd need to do my makeup before setting up. At 6:30 a.m. (she's getting married at 11).

Namárië

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #42 on: November 10, 2009, 09:16:42 AM »
 :-\

I sure hope she's not still planning on you doing her makeup...
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Reika

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #43 on: November 13, 2009, 08:57:02 AM »
What a selfish jerk. So she was expecting a slave for the day then, I'm glad you were able to avoid being sucked into the 'zilla zone.

Nurvingiel

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Re: I'm using and repeating this wedding-style
« Reply #44 on: January 30, 2010, 03:35:37 PM »
Oh man. The way this person has been treating you is horrible. Please tell me you defriended her and then blocked her on Facebook, then delegated her email to the spam folder.

She doesn't seem to care about you as a person, she just wants you to help her plan the wedding and save her money.  :(

If she returns to the nice friend you once knew (if she only recently morphed into a horrible human being) then you can unblock and refriend, but I wouldn't want any contact from her.

She seems to be confused, so I'd set her straight via email (reply to one of her emails) and then get rid of her.

B2B,

You seem to still be thinking of me as a bridesmaid. However, I already said that I couldn't be a bridesmaid. I won't be able to help you with any aspect of wedding planning.

Best,
GirlyJock
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