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Author Topic: when they ask why, and I know they will  (Read 18050 times)

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when they ask why, and I know they will
« on: July 31, 2009, 02:21:33 PM »
I'm a newbie, so forgive me if I missed something like this in previous posts.  The BG is long so here are the short points if you just  want to skim down-
-friends expect our house to be the gathering place every time and are mooching
-they stay the night with 3 yr old who tears apart my kids rooms
-they hang around late into the next day
-they use and abuse mine and my children's things
-they are rude and nasty, we no longer want to be friends
Ok  so here is the BG, and it might be a bit long.  I recently reconnected with an old friend, who is now married with a 3 yr old.  I also have a 4 yr, 3 yr, and 9 m old so I thought it would be nice to have playdates.  The first time we get together we had dinner and drinks, provided by us at our house, they ended up drinking quite a bit and staying the night because we didn't think they should drive home inebriated, we let them sleep in our bed and the hubby and I slept on the couch and recliner.  This unfortunatly set a precedence.At first we didnt mind that it was always at our house because they live on base and don't make a lot (or so we thought).  So one weekend the hubby and I planned a coast trip, and thought we would invite this couple to come with us.  They took that to mean we were paying for everything, hotel included.  We sucked it up, and chalked it up to failure to communicate.  We felt bad asking them to pay after they agreed to come thinking we were offering so we didnt.  At this point I'm getting a little sick of thier freeloading behavior, especially when the very next weekend, they wanted to know what we were doing.  I said that if they would like to get together it would be fine, and thier response...ok so well see you at dinner time.  Ok I get it I was a doormat.  We had been providing food, drink, and lodging each time.  The straw that broke it was that night my hubby got up to go to the bathroom, unfortunatly he was half asleep and so unthinking he goes to go back to the bedroom, accidently opens the door, and there the other couple is enjoying "adult time" our bed.  (BTW am I wrong, if you provide your room, is that also ok and expected for others to do that in your bed?)  Anyways, we decided that we wouldnt be doormats anymore, that if they wanted to come over they would have to contribute. So fast forward 3 months they call and offer to bring supper, so we said ok.  So they come over, they bring supper, everything is ok so far.  Of course, they end up staying because they are drinking, however we moved the babies crib into our bedroom so this time they had to sleep on the couch.  During the course of the evening though they made several horrible "jokes" targeting the mentally retarded, and us for having a bunch of kids (3!)  So when I wake up the next morning husband of the couple had rifled through my kitchen to find the things needed to make coffee ( I know thats not rude in and of itself, its just the personal space thing) , he had also grabbed my laptop, without asking, and was using it.  He stayed on it for 2 1/2 hours.  Argghh!  So they finally leave, after making several snarky comments about how we need to have them over sooner next time.  So here are my questions-
I do not want to continue this friendship but the wife of the couple can come unglued when arguing, so when they call and i say
"Im afraid thats not possible" they will say why, what did we do?  There is no nice, etiquette friendly way to tell them they are mooches and not very nice or respectful, so what do I say?  During the few months span where they didn't come over, they called and left several messages saying they were just going to drop by anyways, and no , not answering the door isnt an option because my two oldest have a penchant for pressing thier cute little noses against the glass window right by the front door and being very animated about someone coming over, no use trying to hide behind the couch there :)  Mostly I don't know what to say when I get they but why what did we do question.  Thanks everyone for all input!


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2009, 02:54:32 PM »
Honestly, if I were in your place I would have kicked them out the SECOND I found them not sleeping in my bed. Further, allowing them to sleep off a drunken stupor does not "set a precedent", it marks you as a gracious host. Their continuing to take advantage of that at best makes them a bit tacky, at worst, they could have a problem.

Is it possible, when they mention spending time together, heading them off by offering to bring dinner to their place?

If they persist in wanting to visit you, and demand to kow why their visit won't be possible as them why they feel they need to know something irrelevant. If they claim a "right" to know why their visit won't be possible, tell them that that's an interesting assumption and reiterate that their visit won't be possible.

If the either mentions anything offensive, politely but firmly tell them that you don't want your children to hear such language.

Even if they drop by uninvited, you don't have to entertain them. Just tell them that it isn't a good time for a visit, and that you're busy. Then close the door. If the wife does become "unglued" inform her that she is not welcome and if she continues to act like that you will call the police, as she is trespassing. Then follow through.


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2009, 02:56:46 PM »
#1 - If company (welcome or not) can get to your computer - password protect it.  At the least, set up an admin account that has to have a password and a guest account that can get to email and a few "kid friendly sites/programs" but NOTHING else.

A guest account with highly circumscribed access would probably do a lot to keep people from mooching on it for hours.......

I am not tech savvy enough to tell you how to set up something that would give the "guest" account only a limited amount of time without a password...........perhaps someone here has more information on how to make a computer a lot harder to "borrow" without permission (and getting a password)?
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2009, 05:11:15 PM »
OOoooh.  I think the least of what I would have said was, "I'm ever so sorry, I'll be needing my laptop back."  Why?  "I don't loan things. Sorry"


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2009, 05:19:53 PM »
Perhaps you could tell them that you aren't comfortable with the "Dinner and a place to sleep" anymore, as your children are getting older?


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2009, 05:27:07 PM »
and no , not answering the door isnt an option because my two oldest have a penchant for pressing thier cute little noses against the glass window right by the front door and being very animated about someone coming over, no use trying to hide behind the couch

First, could you edit your post to break up your paragraphs? Itís very hard to read the way it is. You need blank lines between the paragraphs, and if you can keep the paragraphs to 8-10 lines theyíre much easier to read. Otherwise, some people will just skip your post because itís a little hard on the eyes.

Second, not answering the door IS an option with your two cutie pies pressing their noses on the window. You donít have to answer the door just because they know youíre there. You donít have to hide. Just donít open the door.

shhh its me

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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2009, 06:10:41 PM »
   if you want to maintain any friendship I would suggest public places that cost little or nothing, parks exhibits that sort thing

it sounds like they threatened to just drop by but didn't actually do it?

  if you just want it to the friendship to end and want to say more then "that wont be possible" something along the lines of "we want to spend time concentrating on just the 3 of us", "we have been neglecting other friends/ family" "we already have plans"

try to sound neutral not "ohhhhh darn i wish we were free" tone

run the sentences together don't leave room for her/him to ask  question "that wont be possible, we have plans, we'll call you when are free , have to run bye "

BUT honestly if it were me I would prefer if you just said something to the effect of "we have grown apart as friends and I don't see it being a good idea to make any plans "  but yeah I cant seem to come up with a nice way to say it either, maybe someone else can.  if you wanted to dump me as a friend I'd just as soon hear it once harshly then call  few times over months and have to figure it out.


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2009, 06:22:49 PM »
oops, sorry about the paragraph thing :) ive never wrote so much on a board, lol

i like the idea about just running my sentences together, i think that is what i will try, i know they will call tommorow and start to ask what we are doing

and the hubby is fixing my laptop to be password protected tonight , hes so awesome

so wish me luck, and thank you very much, for the input and replies, i love this board :)


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #8 on: August 08, 2009, 09:21:52 PM »
1.  Don't give up your bed to anyone, ever.  It is your marital bed, where you and your husband create sacred space around your marriage.

2.  If you have guests over at night, putting out cereal bowls, spoons, and mugs, and organizing the coffee the night before goes a long way toward preventing rummaging.

3.  If your guests are routinely becoming too inebriated to drive home, stop serving alcohol, or serve a limited amount and cut it off about two hours before you expect them to leave.  (In place of the alcohol, bring out sodas and foods with lots of fat, such as chips and cheese dip.)

4.  Tell them the new rules beforehand.  The next day is family time, and it's not fair to your kids to disrupt it, so you are sorry, but the evening ends at x:xx, so that you can get your kids quieted down and into bed and you can get up on time the next morning and on with your day.

5.  Anytime you plan to do anything with them that costs money, inform them of the cost when you propose it.  "We are planning to go to the coast this weekend.  If you were to come, your share of room + gas would be $x.  I'm not sure about meals, but we will probably do a coffee shop place for dinner and iHop for breakfast."

All of this is assuming that you still want to be friends with people who would abuse your hospitality so.
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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2009, 12:49:07 AM »
"You want to get together? Great, we'd love to see you, too! I've heard there's a great movie playing/museum exhibit/winetasting/restaurant we should check out! It's at x time and x place. We'll meet you there!"

"Oh, you want to come over Saturday? Oh, we can't do that this weekend--it's a bit hectic over here and our evening isn't free. But we'd be happy to see you in the afternoon if you want to have lunch or a coffee!"

"Oh, you're right, you're in no shape to drive home. Let me call you guys a cab."

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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #10 on: August 11, 2009, 08:01:58 AM »
I was going to suggest the cab option too. I'd never dream of assuming I could stay over unless it had been arranged previously.

I'm also wondering what kind of people take their small child to somebody else's house and decide to get legless before sorting out sleeping arrangements? My kids are older now (15 and 9) so either they stay home and my son babysits his little sister or we come home when we realise she needs her bed - and that's rarely late enough for either of us to have drunk so much as to be incapable.

I agree with other posters - you say you no longer want to be friends so you have to be firm about not setting up dinner dates etc. People are generally so busy with their lives, jobs etc that it shouldn't be too hard, surely - hell, there are good friends I'd love to see more regularly but it's impossible to find mutually convenient dates for weeks at a time!
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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #11 on: August 11, 2009, 04:31:36 PM »
Oh ICK. The idea of other people enjoying "adult time" in my bed just completely squicks me out.  I cannot imagine doing that in someone else's bed.   :o

I agree that this relationship needs to be tossed.  Just keep saying No.  No.  No.  No.  Sorry. can't.  No.

Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

  There are lots of threads that address the issue of uninvited guests.  All sorts of ways to handle it from simply not answering the door to answering and saying, "Gee - sorry - I'm busy.  Have a great day!" and closing the door.

  You definitely need to re-establish boundaries with these folks.

Courage is the price life  exacts for granting peace.  ~Amelia Earhart~


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #12 on: August 11, 2009, 05:17:24 PM »
Everybody's given you great suggestions, so I just want to wish you well and encourage you to stand your ground.  :) Be aware that the wife's tendency to "come unglued" is a manipulation tactic, just like "forgetting their wallets" and crying poor. She's counting on you to feel bad and guilty about upsetting her, so you'll back down. Don't do it. I doubt your kids get what they want just by crying for it - imagine her as a spoilt toddler and you'll do fine.

The good thing about career mooches like these is that they usually figure it out pretty quickly once the gravy train rolls into the station, and will set off in search of new victims friends before they have to (gulp! shudder!) pay their own way.

Best of luck to you.
I am so a lady. And if you say I'm not, I'll slug you. - Cindy Brady


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #13 on: August 11, 2009, 06:15:15 PM »
"I'm afraid we can't afford to be friends with you any longer."  *big smile*


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Re: when they ask why, and I know they will
« Reply #14 on: August 11, 2009, 06:34:37 PM »
Do you really still want to be friends with these people?  Because if you don't, your job is really easy (and hard at the same time).  All you have to do is ignore them.  It'll be really hard to do so, because they'll work really hard to make you notice them, but it can be done...and they will eventually quit trying.

You don't have to answer your phone when they call, and you don't ever have to receive visitors even when you are home.  If you had a butler, he would be responsible for telling unwelcome visitors that you were not at home (or not at home for visitors) even if that was a patent lie.  Sadly, you don't have someone to run interference, so you'll feel a lot more awkward about refusing to answer your door.  But that doesn't mean you have to answer the door even if they see you.

If you do still want to maintain some sort of relationship with them, I would not invite them over to your house anymore, or at least not serve alcohol if you do.  If they haven't been drinking, they have no good excuse to stay the night.  If they somehow come up with a reason they can't a cab for them.

I have a sneaking suspicion that if you end the gravy train, they aren't going to be nearly so keen to spend time with you.  I suspect that they value you and your husband primarily for the all-expenses-paid entertainment.

Also, in the future, I wouldn't give up your bed for impromptu guests.  No reasonable person would expect it of you, and there's really no reason for you to give up your privacy like that.