The "Bare Minimum" Game (offshoot of the Clod Challenge)

[freakyfemme]

Hey all,

Remember the Clod Challenge, where the point was to plan an imaginary event with as many egregious etiquette infractions as possible, or assume the role of the most rude and insensitive person you can imagine?  Well, this game is a little different, and it's inspired by Willow's post in the "Family and Children" folder about the unhelpful airline attendants.  Anyway, rather than being overtly rude, the idea of this game is to role play as someone in a job that purportedly revolves around serving and helping others, but do so in as apathetic and uncaring a manner as possible, but while still *technically* fulfilling the requirements of said job.  I'll go first:

My name is Professor Dontgiveahoot, and I teach first-year musical theory at Big Box U.  Some of my students went to arts-focused high schools, others just took the same lame-o "theory" their high school teachers half-heartedly threw their way each year (as in, "this is a whole note, this is a half note," and so on), and I think I have one or two who don't even read music.  But hey, that's not my problem, they should have signed up for Rudiments instead, which I teach every five years, during the full moon, when there's a double rainbow in the sky on the third Thursday of the month.  Anyway, it's all written down in the course calendar, which can be accessed at the registrar's office, which is open Monday through Friday, from 9 until 4, except when it's closed for two hours at lunch time, or when the registrar's kid is sick, or when her migraines are acting up, or when she just plain doesn't feel like coming to work, dontchaknow?

Anyway, today's the first day of theory class.  I arrived on time, and explained to the students that "ThetonicchordmustbedevelopedwithaI6chordoraVIchordoraIIIchordonaweakbeatbeforeproceedingtothepredominant
andthenitgoestoVwhichisthendevelopedagainbeforethecadence," and asked if there were any questions.  Whoops, time's up, so I guess all those bodies attached to the veritable forest of raised hands in front of me will have to come see me during office hours, which are Tuesdays from 4 until 5:30 p.m.......what's that?  Everyone's at choir practice then?  Well, too bad, I offered.  Princess Theorygeek in third year is an excellent tutor, if you can track her down between piano, karate, and underwater basket weaving.  What's that?  She doesn't have room for any more tutorees?  Well, them's the breaks......she's just SO BUSY, if you can't work around her schedule, that's really your problem, isn't it?

Okay, the final exam's next week.  I'm arriving at school in the morning to teach my class....what's this I see?  A gaggle of first year theory students grouped around a table in the music-building lobby, HELPING each other with last night's assignment?  Why, that's ACADEMIC DISHONESTY!!!  I ought to report every last one of them to the Dean of the Department!!!  So what if I didn't teach those kids a gosh-darned thing all semester?  He can't fire me, I'm TENURED, cuss it all to tarnation!!!

(Thankfully, this is the complete opposite of how things are at Bishop's. )

[blue2000]

LOL!!
Ok, Here's mine -
I'm Ms. Imbetterthanu. I do sales and customer service at this location of your friendly UltraMegaMart. I just love to be helpful to customers! And its eight in the morning, time to start my day! Unfortunately, I'm not finished my coffee, you will just have to wait a minute.

Now what can I do for you today? A TV? That's in Electronics, over thataway. You have to go around the food aisles, through furniture, and bedding, and there you are. No, I'm sorry, I can't show you the way. I'm FAR too busy today.

Do they have what? The advertised specials? I wouldn't know, I don't work in that department. You would have to check with a clerk in the department. Unfortunately, they don't start till ten. No, I don't think anyone else would know.
Where would they be located if we had any? I have no idea. Could be anywhere, really. Just look around, I'm sure you'll find them!

A return? Certainly! That's the line-up right there for returns. Yes, I realise there is no clerk there, she's gone to get something. I'm sure she'll be back soon. No, sorry! I can't do your return right now. Got to finish my coffee.

Do you have a receipt for that? No? Sorry, then I can't take it back.

Oh, you found it? Oh, dear it's past the return date, sorry, can't take it back.

Oh, it isn't? Gee, that looks like a five to me. I'll check with Doris Doesntwanttobehere. Doris, oh Doris? Oh, I guess we'll have to wait a minute, she's on the phone. Her husband is SO sweet. He calls her every day at this time.

Doris, does that look like a five to you? It does? Oh my, I must need my glasses changed again!

That's the return? Oh, sorry that's been opened. Can't take it back.
No? Well it LOOKS like it's been opened.

Check with the manager? Certainly! He's over in the Appliances Department right now. Oh, no dear, I can't call him, he's very busy. You'll have to go over there and see him yourself. What does he look like? Hmm, medium height, brown hair, dressy shirt - or is this the day he's in jeans? I don't know, just look around when you get there. And you need to wait in line again for another clerk when you get back. It's the end of my shift. And I'm absolutely exhausted!

But it's been worth it, knowing I've helped people today!

(Disclaimer - All of the above is taken from true events, most of them in the store I work for. And now you know one of the reasons I get Grinchy at Christmastime. )

[freakyfemme]

^^That's all TRUE?!?!?    If so, I'm never shopping at Wal-Mart again, especially at Christmas time.

[freakyfemme]

Okay, since no one else seems to want to play (I know this is harder than the Clod Challenge), I think I'll take another turn:

Today is my daughter Tziphaknee's birthday.  I'm having a birthday party for her, and inviting her entire kindergarten class, yes, EVEN that smelly little boy who eats paste, what's his name?  Well, it doesn't matter, I invited him, so I'm not being rude, right?  Hold on a second, the phone's ringing.  Who could that be?  Oh, it's Mrs. Smith, the mother of Tziphaknee's little friend Bryttknee.  What's that, Mrs. Smith?  When should you drop Bryttknee off?  Oh, around......noon-ish, I guess.  When should you pick her up?  I think about three, or maybe four or five......just, whenever the kids get bored, you know?  Tell you what, why don't you just stay at home all day and watch your soaps and eat bonbons like you do every day (after all, that's what *I* do every day), and I'll call you and let you know.

Ring, ring!!!  Oh, look, it's the phone again.  This time it's little Madi'Szynne's mother (yes, that's pronounced "Madison"--don't you LOVE those creative spellings?)  What's that?  Madi'Szynne is allergic to red food dye?  Well, I think she'll be fine, I got one of those Disney cakes, and I'll just make a mental note not to give her a piece of Ariel's hair.  The fruit punch should be fine for her too, I mean, I know it's bright red, but it's called FRUIT punch, not RED FOOD DYE punch, right?  Fruit is good for kids, so don't worry about that either.  What activities will the kids be doing all afternoon?  Well, you know.....I didn't really give it much thought, I thought they could just play outside on Tziphaknee's jungle gym and trampoline, and then we'd have cake and ice cream around two.  It's okay though, I bought LOTS of candy to tide them over until cake time, so the little darlings won't get hungry.  Will I be supervising?  Well, I'll be THERE, won't I?  After all, it's my house, I live there, I suppose that's inevitable.  Does the trampoline have an enclosure?  Umm, no, why would I pay the extra money for that?  My cousin Doris from UltraMegaMart cut me a deal on the trampoline, and she said she could give me the enclosure for just fifty dollars on top of that, but that'd cut into my bonbon money, dontchaknow?  Anyway, after cake, I thought the kids could watch a movie from our collection, we have ever so many titles to choose from.  We have all THREE volumes of "Scantily Clad Sorority Girls Who Go Insane At the Full Moon and Stab People to Death," not to mention "Xtreme Daredevil Stunts," and ooh, hey, what's this?  The South Park Movie!!!  That's perfect, it's a cartoon.....kids love cartoons, I think we'll watch that.  Anyway, thanks for calling, have a great day, and we'll see little Madi'Szynne at the party!!!

 
 

[blue2000]

^^That's all TRUE?!?!?    If so, I'm never shopping at Wal-Mart again, especially at Christmas time.

LOL! I hate to break this to you, but there is someone like this in just about every store I've ever been in. It's better to do your regular shopping in only one or two stores. You get to know who to go to for help, and who to avoid like the plague.

But I wouldn't EVER reccommend shopping at this time of year, no matter what. The other customers will drive you nuts even if the sales help doesn't.

[IndianInlaw]

Actually, my son had his  counterpart, Mr. Countingdowntoretirement for elementary school music.

My son got C's and had no remarks written on his report card.

[freakyfemme]

Actually, my son had his  counterpart, Mr. Countingdowntoretirement for elementary school music.

My son got C's and had no remarks written on his report card.

That's awful.  Teachers like that can put kids off music for life, and that's just not fair to them.  By the way......is anyone else going to actually participate in this thread, or should I consider it a bust?

[Morty'sCleaningLady]

You've reached Technical Support.  This is Ima Lazyslob.

Gosh, what did you do to your computer to cause that error message?

Have you rebooted yet?

Hmm....  Let's try rebooting again.  This time let's wait 30 seconds before restarting the machine.

Well, I've reached my peak call time.  Let me transfer you to our Indian counterparts.  I'm sure they'll be able to direct you to the proper individual.

<Hold music -- The entire score of Annie plays>

This is Technical support.  You've reached Ima Lazyslob.

Oh, it's you again.  How did you get back to me so quickly?

Oh, that's right.  You have a computer problem.  Do you know your ticket number?

What do you mean you don't have a ticket number?  Isn't this an existing issue? 

If I opened a ticket for you, I would have told you the ticket number.  I'm afraid I can't do anything without that ticket number.

A new ticket?  That would completely mess up our call tracking system.  Call back when you have the ticket number.

Thank you for calling Tech Support. <loud hang up followed by dial tone>


(On a side note, it took me three telephone transfers with a bank this morning to find out why an on-line deposit from Friday hadn't cleared.  I had made a small typo, but why did it take three transfers?)

[freakyfemme]

^^Lol!!!  I've been there.  On Sunday, I got passed off to three or four different people when I called Chapters to see if they had any books about Rocket Richard for my dad for Christmas.

[Clara Bow]

I'm Nurse Justinitforthemoney. You want a bed bath? I guess I can get you a CNA, I don't really do that. Oh your pain medicine's due? Let me wander down the hall and call your doc for more. Why didn't I do it ahead of time? Do you think you're the only person here??
There's my CNA...honey could you please go in room 678 and take the vitals, do a bed bath, help them eat and see what the hold-up on that pain medicine is? Your patient can wait, mine's acute....I think I'm going to go flirt with that cute doc on OB for a while...I'll be back befire med call...
(based on stories from my friend Holly, my mentor in the wild wierd wonderful world of nursing)

[freakyfemme]

By the way, about the UltraMegaMart post....isn't it customary for someone who works in that kind of a store to help customers carry large items like T.V.'s to their cars?

[blue2000]

That's the theory... whether there is anyone around who is actually *willing* to do it is another matter. Somehow everyone's back trouble acts up at the thought of lifting heavy objects.

[freakyfemme]

That's the theory... whether there is anyone around who is actually *willing* to do it is another matter. Somehow everyone's back trouble acts up at the thought of lifting heavy objects.

I didn't think it was even a courtesy thing, more a "we know that if you drop or bump the T.V. on the way out, we'll owe you a refund or replacement, and if you hurt yourself, we know you could sue us" thing--you know, liability and all.

[blue2000]

If they smash the TV in the store, before they have paid for it, yes we will have to give them another (we can't make them buy a smashed TV - at least, not unless we can prove they did it on purpose).

If they smash it in the parking lot, it's their loss. We won't replace it.

If they hurt their back carrying it to the car, too bad for them. They chose to carry it, so they can't blame us for the injury.

HOWEVER - any injury, even one we aren't responsible for, costs us insurance money.
The loss of a customer (because we didn't help them and they got mad about it) will cost us money.
Smashed TVs (in the store) also cost us money.
And the customers know if an employee smashes the TV in the parking lot, it's our fault, and we WILL replace it. They also know that we have carts, etc. which will save everyone's back, and keep the TV safe as well.

[freakyfemme]

If they smash the TV in the store, before they have paid for it, yes we will have to give them another (we can't make them buy a smashed TV - at least, not unless we can prove they did it on purpose).

If they smash it in the parking lot, it's their loss. We won't replace it.

If they hurt their back carrying it to the car, too bad for them. They chose to carry it, so they can't blame us for the injury.

HOWEVER - any injury, even one we aren't responsible for, costs us insurance money.
The loss of a customer (because we didn't help them and they got mad about it) will cost us money.
Smashed TVs (in the store) also cost us money.
And the customers know if an employee smashes the TV in the parking lot, it's our fault, and we WILL replace it. They also know that we have carts, etc. which will save everyone's back, and keep the TV safe as well.

Oh, okay.