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  • January 29, 2015, 05:45:53 AM

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Author Topic: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households  (Read 14346 times)

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Kariachi

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #210 on: January 22, 2015, 01:02:55 PM »
The first lesson I remember about different manners was when I was probably 12 or 13 and spent the night at a friend's house. Her parents were really strict in general, and her and her brother were very well-trained regarding manners. After breakfast the following morning, I wasn't thinking (and wasn't paying attention to what my friend was doing) and started to walk away from the table leaving my dish. There was an audible gasp from the table - probably both my friend AND her mom or something. It didn't hit me right away, so I looked around and pushed in my chair, thinking that was the problem. Then the mom said something like, "in this house we take the plates to the sink" or something. I was momentarily embarrassed, and it made me realize, oh yeah, different families have different customs. I think sometimes my mom was so tired from the day, and from cooking, that our dinner dishes sometimes sat their until the following morning! That would never happen now though.

They were very rude to you. Gasping because a guest did not know she was expected to clean her plate is just ... wrong. To embarrass you while you were a guest in their house because you were unfamiliar with their customs is just beyond the pale.

I agree. In my house, growing up, even the kids' guests were treated like guests. They weren't expected to help with chores like setting the table or clearing the table or washing the dishes. They could help if they wanted to, but certainly weren't expected to.

Now, those of our friends who were there for supper three or four nights a week . . . my parents would start to treat them a little bit more like family and a little bit less like a guest. They'd be asked to carry a basket of rolls to the table, maybe, or something like that. But still not expected to wash dishes.

"The fourth time you walk through that door you stop being a guest and start being a force of habit." ~my mother, June 2011
"Heh. Forgive our manners, little creature that we may well kill and eat you is no excuse for rudeness."

QueenfaninCA

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #211 on: January 22, 2015, 01:44:50 PM »
I disagree, it is rude for a small part of a group to eat all of the food put out instead of waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. However, this discussion is getting off the main topic of the thread.

I will say how shocked I was to find my FIL eating the chili that still needed another hour of cooking for proper flavor and texture. I didn't make chili at their house again.

I think that if you want everyone to wait for the rest of the party to arrive before starting eating then you shouldn't put food out an hour before you expect the rest of the group. And I wouldn't expect you to want some of it saved - I would think that it wouldn't be too appetizing after sitting out for an hour and you would have more in the kitchen that will be ready in an hour. If you put food in front of me and say take some I will take you at your word and not think you meant "wait an hour until hubby comes home and then take some"

I beg to differ. If I know that it will be another hour until all guests have arrived and more time than that for the main meal, my assumption is that an appetizer buffet is meant to graze on until the main meal is served, not to immediately scarf down everything in sight.

Harriet Jones

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #212 on: January 22, 2015, 02:22:27 PM »
I would assume that food that had been placed out for people to eat is "fair game".  Not that it should be all snarfed up immediately, but that it wouldn't be a problem if it was all eaten.  If some of it needed to be saved for someone who was going to be coming later, IMO it shouldn't have been put out.

Kiwipinball

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #213 on: January 22, 2015, 03:08:51 PM »
I am also frequently at the front of the line at buffets (whether large events or family holiday meals). I do it because usually people are hanging back, not wanting to be first. I'm hungry, I have no problem starting the line. Of course, I take a reasonable amount of food and certainly don't eat it at the buffet. Outdoor Girl, if anyone does think anything when they see you heading to the front, it's probably alleviated when they see you take a reasonable amount of food. Assuming you're not pushing people out of your way, but I feel confident in that assumption. :)

Hmmmmm

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #214 on: January 22, 2015, 03:47:43 PM »
"I think I wouldn't have been happy all of the apps I put out were gone, but I can't see blaming your ILs since they can't have known you put out everything of a particular app and weren't supposed to eat it all.  At one hour before everyone who was going to be there was there, I wouldn't put out everything of a dish, specifically because I want to make sure there's enough for everyone.  The "too bad" response, rather than an apology, would've gotten me PO'd though.  Still, you really can't expect your guests to know not to eat all of something you put out for them, unless you tell them in advance (I certainly wouldn't know)."

I do blame them because they are adults. My kids hadn't even come into the room to get some and the apps were gone. I even mentioned that needed to set some aside for my DH and the apps were eaten. BIL can't help himself if he likes something. I learned this 20 years ago and never repeated that mistake again.

I'm sorry, but I agree with others. If you set out apps, expect them to be eaten by the people in attendance then. If you want to set some aside for others arriving later then you as the host make the determination of what to set aside and you do it in the kitchen. If its something like a cheese ball or a dip, then you make a plate for of them for the late arrival. Don't set it out if you don't want it eaten, especially if you know you have someone like our BIL in attendance.

Yvaine

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #215 on: January 22, 2015, 04:21:39 PM »
"I think I wouldn't have been happy all of the apps I put out were gone, but I can't see blaming your ILs since they can't have known you put out everything of a particular app and weren't supposed to eat it all.  At one hour before everyone who was going to be there was there, I wouldn't put out everything of a dish, specifically because I want to make sure there's enough for everyone.  The "too bad" response, rather than an apology, would've gotten me PO'd though.  Still, you really can't expect your guests to know not to eat all of something you put out for them, unless you tell them in advance (I certainly wouldn't know)."

I do blame them because they are adults. My kids hadn't even come into the room to get some and the apps were gone. I even mentioned that needed to set some aside for my DH and the apps were eaten. BIL can't help himself if he likes something. I learned this 20 years ago and never repeated that mistake again.

I'm sorry, but I agree with others. If you set out apps, expect them to be eaten by the people in attendance then. If you want to set some aside for others arriving later then you as the host make the determination of what to set aside and you do it in the kitchen. If its something like a cheese ball or a dip, then you make a plate for of them for the late arrival. Don't set it out if you don't want it eaten, especially if you know you have someone like our BIL in attendance.

I'm kind of landing here too. I feel like setting out the appetizers with lots of people still missing is like saying, "Here, eat these while we wait." And then when the latecomers get there, the rest of the food will come out.

Jloreli

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #216 on: January 22, 2015, 04:27:06 PM »
<<<trimmed quote>>>

DH loves to put hot sauce on food. So much so, that he has a bottle of it at my parents' house for when we visit (for breakfast, he likes it on his eggs). Shortly after we combined households, I tried a new recipe. Before he even had a bite, he started to open the hot sauce. I looked at him and said coolly "Could you at least TRY a bit without your darn sauce? It is insulting to me that you feel the need to dump hot sauce on this dish before you've ever tasted it." He sheepishly put the bottle down, and tried it sans sauce. Surprise, surprise, it was quite tasty.

I see may be married to brothers! My DH also is generous with his use of hot sauce and at any given time we probably have a half dozen different types open. He once complained that I "only" seasoned roast chicken pieces with salt, pepper, and garlic. (Which is what I prefer) I said that I had done many different seasoning schemes until I realized that he was just going to hose them down with hot sauce before the first bite so I decided to season them as I prefer. He agreed that I probably had a point.  ::)

SoCalVal

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #217 on: January 22, 2015, 05:00:02 PM »
SoCalVal- regarding my DH and hot sauce, I don't mind him using it at all. He actually got me into using sauces like tapatio and eating chicken wings (I used to never ever ever eat meat off the bone).

What I took issue with was that I'd made an effort to try a new recipe that I thought DH might enjoy, one that neither of us had ever had, and his immediate response was to grab his tapatio (note, this was not a dish that one might normally expect to put hot sauce on, he just likes it on just about everything).  He wasn't thinking that I might be hurt at the fact that I'd put effort into making something, and without even tasting it once without the sauce, he would need to make it hotter/spicier. 

It felt as if he thought I couldn't have possibly had success in cooking (admittedly, I've had some major kitchen disasters in the past), that he couldn't give me the benefit of the doubt, try a tiny piece, and say "gee honey, this is good, but I think it would taste a little extra awesome if we added a bit more spice/sauce/etc" or something to that effect. 

When I explained this to him after he had a few bites, he did apologize. This recipe ended up being one of the few entrees that I make that he does not prefer to coat in hot sauce  :)

That said, I'm glad you got away from the guy who tried to limit your culinary and dining choices. I won't limit DH's, I just asked him to consider what he was doing a little more carefully.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were taking away your DH's flavoring choices; your stories simply reminded me of that experience with having *my* food choices controlled.

I'd feel the same way you did if someone were to alter something new I made before even tasting it.  Fortunately, DH doesn't do that.  He also doesn't try to mandate what I eat -- Guy, after we broke up, told me I would have to "lose my love affair with the potato" before he'd consider getting back together. >:(  Guy was one hot mess of unhappy, and I never had to give up potatoes.  I married someone who greatly embraces his Irish heritage instead.  ;D



marcel

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #218 on: January 22, 2015, 11:17:15 PM »
and because of the hot sauce, here is a recent story. My house is a bit of a social hub for a group of friends (three of them even rent a room from me) so there are oftne people having dinner. Sometimes arranged in advance, sometimes spontaneous, Always casual (except for Christmas dinner or similar occasion)

last week i had made some soup and salad, and asked who was there if they wanted to join. Before anybody had eaten anything, one girl added salt to her soup, but did not realise the salt can still had the big opening open for cooking, so put in too much (and I already tend to make my food quite salty) She did and up eating eat, even though it was too salt. And at some point we were also making jokes about adding salt before eating.

Yesterday she was there again and grabbed the salt before tasting. then she was like, oh wait, put it back before adding any to her food and tasted first.
Wherever you go..... There you are.

ladyknight1

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #219 on: January 23, 2015, 08:08:29 AM »
If I had a family gathering and put out trays of appetizers and the few people who were there ate every bit of food without leaving any for the hostess (me) or host (DH), I would never invite them again. Cue cries of Faaaammmiiillyy, but I would only see them at other events or at a restaurant.

Benni

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #220 on: January 23, 2015, 02:12:34 PM »
If I had a family gathering and put out trays of appetizers and the few people who were there ate every bit of food without leaving any for the hostess (me) or host (DH), I would never invite them again. Cue cries of Faaaammmiiillyy, but I would only see them at other events or at a restaurant.

I totally agree.  I try to make enough of everything that there will be leftovers, but sometimes I misjudge.  If I or DH do not get even a taste of the food we are providing, something is wrong.  When it is only family I expect that we will ask one another if everyone has had a taste of xxxx because I am about to eat the last one. 

My DD makes a bacon wrapped, cream cheese stuffed pepper.  I LOVE them, love, love, love them.  I could eat the whole pan and then some.  I don't because others like them and because it would be rude to eat them all. (Looking forward to SuperBowl Sunday and all the treats.)  People who are finishing off appetizers without considering whether others would like some are, in my opinion, being inconsiderate.

Bobbie

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Re: S/O driving you up the wall - food manners in different households
« Reply #221 on: January 23, 2015, 02:17:07 PM »
"I think I wouldn't have been happy all of the apps I put out were gone, but I can't see blaming your ILs since they can't have known you put out everything of a particular app and weren't supposed to eat it all.  At one hour before everyone who was going to be there was there, I wouldn't put out everything of a dish, specifically because I want to make sure there's enough for everyone.  The "too bad" response, rather than an apology, would've gotten me PO'd though.  Still, you really can't expect your guests to know not to eat all of something you put out for them, unless you tell them in advance (I certainly wouldn't know)."

I do blame them because they are adults. My kids hadn't even come into the room to get some and the apps were gone. I even mentioned that needed to set some aside for my DH and the apps were eaten. BIL can't help himself if he likes something. I learned this 20 years ago and never repeated that mistake again.

I'm sorry, but I agree with others. If you set out apps, expect them to be eaten by the people in attendance then. If you want to set some aside for others arriving later then you as the host make the determination of what to set aside and you do it in the kitchen. If its something like a cheese ball or a dip, then you make a plate for of them for the late arrival. Don't set it out if you don't want it eaten, especially if you know you have someone like our BIL in attendance.

Normally I would if the guests were anyone else but these are his parents and brother. And they were super early so I am going to stop jadeing....back to the thread....
« Last Edit: January 23, 2015, 02:19:01 PM by Bobbie »