Author Topic: Change of menu  (Read 2840 times)

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Margo

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #30 on: July 28, 2014, 06:58:23 AM »
Thanks for the feedback.
This person is a relative, so I can't just refuse future invites.
And for those who wondered, I did ask about the lack of potato, and she replied, 'I put bread next to you.' So maybe I was reaching when I wondered if it was a snark about my weight...but then, I rarely eat bread, only if it's hot rolls or something really special. I can go months without a loaf of bread in my house.  This was not hot rolls.  :P
I think it would not have been rude to have said "Why would you do that?"  Did anyone else offer to share their potato with you?  I think if I had been another guest in this scenario, and the host did;t step up, I'd probably offer to split my potato with you and we could both make up the difference with bread, if we wanted.

I agree that whatever her motive, host was rude to treat you differently and rude not to do something to rectify the error (if it was an error) when it was flagged up.

Even though this is family, you would be fine to refuse future invitation. Alternatively, I do not think it would be inappropriate, in the context of a family relationship , to speak privately to host and to say "I found it upsetting and embarrassing that you treated me differently to everyone else when I was there for [meal]. I don;t know whether it was an oversight or if  you were trying to control what I should eat, but either way, I would prefer that you treat me the same as everyone else. If there is anything I can;t eat I will take responsibility for ensuring that I let people know, as need be"

Stricken_Halo

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #31 on: July 28, 2014, 07:24:40 AM »
As to whether this was an insult or some sort of mistake--I wondered about something else, namely:

1. Was there dessert at this meal?
2. Was it a rich dessert, as opposed to something like fruit salad?
3. If it was a rich dessert, did you get a significantly smaller portion than the others?
4. Were there any comments or pointed looks about your having dessert?

I thought it was odd that she didn't answer your question about why no potato but left bread by you. There are those who think bread is close to poison when it comes to weight, so that makes me more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was not trying to "put you on a diet."

ETA--I did think she should have given you her potato.

o_gal

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #32 on: July 28, 2014, 08:03:26 AM »
And for those who wondered, I did ask about the lack of potato, and she replied, 'I put bread next to you.' So maybe I was reaching when I wondered if it was a snark about my weight...

Maybe she was still trying to play food police, thinking that bread is better than potatoes, but she got it backward. Most bread that would be served at dinner is made with refined grains, which are not as good as a plain, unrefined potato. And a baked potato is an excellent choice because you can control what topping you put on it.

I agree that just because she's a relative does not mean any obligation on your part to invite her to events at your home or attend events at her home.

KenveeB

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #33 on: July 28, 2014, 08:09:46 AM »
I agree with PPs that giving you bread instead of the potato makes it less likely that it was a weight-related comment and more of something just bizarre. I'm trying to think of an explanation and coming up blank. I think when she'd said that, I would have blinked and repeated, "But where's my potato?" Because that wasn't an explanation.

shhh its me

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #34 on: July 28, 2014, 08:15:14 AM »
And for those who wondered, I did ask about the lack of potato, and she replied, 'I put bread next to you.' So maybe I was reaching when I wondered if it was a snark about my weight...

Maybe she was still trying to play food police, thinking that bread is better than potatoes, but she got it backward. Most bread that would be served at dinner is made with refined grains, which are not as good as a plain, unrefined potato. And a baked potato is an excellent choice because you can control what topping you put on it.

I agree that just because she's a relative does not mean any obligation on your part to invite her to events at your home or attend events at her home.

While its possible it was a "mandatory diet" thing , I do think thats much less likely with the substitution.  IT seems a lot more likey like an innocent mistake ,got OP confused with the relative that dislikes potatoes or mistakenly got the idea OP dislikes potatoes.  OR for some other reason OP was the person to short(which may or may not be offensive or part of some unpleasant pastern)

Lynn2000

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #35 on: July 28, 2014, 10:13:10 AM »
Yeah, to me it doesn't necessarily seem like a weight thing, but it still seems rude--the way she took a potato for herself and then dodged the OP's question. Again, if the hostess found she was a potato short, she should have given them all to her guests and taken the bread for herself, or at least set both things out and let people choose which starch they preferred, while she sat back and took only what was left. It could be thoughtless, or it could be controlling. Either way it was weird.

If it was just a one-off in an otherwise good relationship I would chalk it up to just one of those things, maybe a miscommunication or something. But if it's part of a pattern with this person, I agree with those who said that the OP should feel free to decline future invitations where this person is the host.
~Lynn2000

heartmug

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #36 on: July 28, 2014, 12:15:06 PM »
OP - did anyone else at the gathering say anything to either you or the hostess?

And I agree with the others:  relatives or not, if you treat me bad there is no reason for me ever to accept another invitation from you.  I don't have to be treated like someone's punching bag.  Obligations be damned.
The trouble is not that the world is full of fools, it's just that lightening isn't distributed right.  - Mark Twain

Jocelyn

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #37 on: July 28, 2014, 12:39:23 PM »
OP - did anyone else at the gathering say anything to either you or the hostess?
 
Pretty much embarrassed silence. Although someone did say to me, later, that they thought her mother would be ashamed of her for taking food before serving a guest. Which was part of what made it feel deliberate, as her mother was very much into Southern hospitality. OTOH, upon reflection, I don't think it was a deliberate snark as  it originally felt. I can't explain why she did it, aside from the information that she is not a foodie, so she may honestly have believed that bread=potato and so it wouldn't matter which she served a particular person. She may well have thought that if she served a starchy option to everyone, it was good enough.

KenveeB

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #38 on: July 28, 2014, 02:05:28 PM »
OP, were you the youngest of the group? A relative? The odd man out for some reason? Since there doesn't seem to be a weight-connection, maybe there's another reason she chose you as the potato-less person. After all, if she was one short and wasn't going to not give herself one, someone had to be the one not to get it. Maybe she just thought you were the least likely to kick up a fuss.

Jocelyn

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #39 on: July 28, 2014, 11:57:09 PM »
OP, were you the youngest of the group? A relative? The odd man out for some reason? Since there doesn't seem to be a weight-connection, maybe there's another reason she chose you as the potato-less person. After all, if she was one short and wasn't going to not give herself one, someone had to be the one not to get it. Maybe she just thought you were the least likely to kick up a fuss.
Oh, my. If she did it thinking I was unlikely to kick up a fuss, the woman is delusional. ;) We were all middle-aged or older adults. Everyone was related somehow.
Interestingly, someone must have spoken to her, because she called me tonight. It wasn't exactly an apology, and I'm not sure if she really understood my point, but at least it wasn't an anti-apology (one in which you're told you're not getting one because the original action is not requiring of one.)

Twik

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #40 on: July 29, 2014, 10:39:05 AM »
In this apology, did she give any reason *why* she didn't give you a potato?

Or just, "I'm very sorry there was no potato on your plate. There, we're finished, right?"

This is reminding me of the great Bread Roll Debacle that had me doing the I'm Never Eating There Again! declaration.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

auntmeegs

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #41 on: July 29, 2014, 11:43:26 AM »
To me, the strangest part is that you saw unbaked potatoes sitting right there on the counter.  So its not like she didn't have enough potatoes for everyone. 

shhh its me

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #42 on: July 29, 2014, 12:59:43 PM »
To me, the strangest part is that you saw unbaked potatoes sitting right there on the counter.  So its not like she didn't have enough potatoes for everyone.

I think its possible she miscounted.

OP were you the last guest served? Could host had ending up with two plates one for her and one for you and only 1 potato? (still think she should had given you the potato but that would put me into the poor hosting but lacking malicious camp)

Jocelyn

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #43 on: July 29, 2014, 05:39:36 PM »
In this apology, did she give any reason *why* she didn't give you a potato?

Or just, "I'm very sorry there was no potato on your plate. There, we're finished, right?"

This is reminding me of the great Bread Roll Debacle that had me doing the I'm Never Eating There Again! declaration.
It didn't go even that far- it was more like, 'I'm sorry you were upset. Please don't continue to be angry with me.'

sammycat

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Re: Change of menu
« Reply #44 on: July 29, 2014, 08:47:52 PM »
In this apology, did she give any reason *why* she didn't give you a potato?

Or just, "I'm very sorry there was no potato on your plate. There, we're finished, right?"

This is reminding me of the great Bread Roll Debacle that had me doing the I'm Never Eating There Again! declaration.
It didn't go even that far- it was more like, 'I'm sorry you were upset. Please don't continue to be angry with me.'

So it's all about her. She sounds very self centred and self absorbed.

It puts even the worst/best non-apologies to shame.